Friday, September 30, 2011

Boyfriend of the Week


Anyone who knows me, knows that there are three things I love unconditionally: the Green Bay Packers, Diet Coke, and Johnny Depp. It is my love for #3 that inspires this week's(ish) "Boyfriend" (don't worry, I'll get to the other two at a later date), because, obviously, no Boyfriend list is complete without the unparalleled beauty and talent of Mr. Johnny Depp.

Ironically, it was one of the worst actors in history who was responsible for bringing us one of the best. That’s right, it was Nicolas Cage who encouraged Johnny to try acting, even going so far as to introduce him to his agent. This fateful introduction ultimately led to Johnny’s oft-forgotten film debut in A Nightmare on Elm Street, which was obviously just a springboard for what has become a long and illustrious career.  

This Kentucky-born babe has had much critical and box-office success, despite apparently hating everything Hollywood represents – which is perhaps why he chooses to spend his off-time in France. (Not to mention the fact that his baby mama is French.) Sure, the proud papa of two is an exceptionally odd human being who smokes like a chimney and appears to have an antagonistic relationship with soap – which, in all fairness, seemed to be an issue even before he moved to France – but as long as we can love him from afar and never have to actually smell him, this Boyfriend will remain the star of, not only the box office, but also our fantasies, for many years to come.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

They Laugh Alike. They Walk Alike. At Times They Even Talk Alike.

Caution: You could lose your mind.

For all of you that don’t know –and since we don’t live in England or Mexico, that’s probably a lot of you – the U.S. Women’s National Team was in the World Cup Finals (that means soccer) back in July. They went head-to-head with the androgynous women of Japan in a hard-fought battle, but, spoiler alert, the U.S. lost to the Japanese (words that you rarely hear) in a shootout. For those of you envisioning a shootout of the O.K. Corral variety, you’re not alone; I, too, was hoping for a fight-to-the-death kind of performance. Turns out, however, that the only revolvers in a soccer shootout are the revolving players, as they each take a turn attempting to kick the ball into the goal. One-on-one. Just the kicker and the goalie.
 
As we gathered around the super-sized television, biting our nails and futilely praying for victory, it occurred to me that the woman playing goalie for the United States was none other than The Exorcism of Emily Rose and Dexter star Jennifer Carpenter!

Jennifer Carpenter: star of film, screen, and goal box?

True, the former Mrs. Michael C. Hall looked to have gained about 30 pounds of muscle, but it was her. I would’ve bet money on it. Imagine my surprise, then, to realize that the goalie was NOT in fact J. Carpenter, but was actually a totally different person, from a totally different family. No twin. No clone. No government-constructed, look-alike robot. Nope. Just a soccer-playing gal from Richland, Washington, trying to make it in the tough world of competitive sports.

Her name: Hope Solo. Her game: soccer superstar and goalie extraordinaire – at least I’ve heard she’s a spectacular goalie. I guess I’ll just have to take everyone’s word for it, seeing as how the one time I saw her play, she lost. And, considering the fact that she could easily kick my butt, that’s all I’ll say about that.

Hope Solo's ready to exorcise her dancing demons
 
Not content, though, to forevermore be known as the American who lost the World Cup, my girl Hope is trying her hand at Dancing with the Stars – because, obviously, (alleged) success on the soccer field translates perfectly into (potential) success on the dance floor

But, back to the topic at hand...

Perhaps in split-screen, Jennifer and Hope don’t look exactly, exactly alike, but I still hold to the fact that they are quite possibly the same person. And to all the naysayers out there, I leave you with one last question: Have you ever actually seen the actress and the athlete in the same place at the same time?

Yeah, that’s what I thought.    

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

If I Was a Rich Girl

I have been incredibly blessed in recent months to be surrounded by a wonderfully supportive group of friends and family as I try to work through my reality-TV addiction. But, of course, there will always be people who are more than willing to slip me a shot of Survivor or a snort of Top Chef and then I’m right back where I started. My most recent relapse occurred last week in the great state of Maryland, where I was introduced (by an enabling family member) to a new waste of time: Bachelor Pad

The Lawyer Barbies and Doctor Kens of Bachelor Pad
 
Have you seen this? I don’t watch The Bachelor or Bachelorette (I know, shocking that there are reality shows that I can’t actually tolerate) and therefore found no use for the aptly named Bachelor Pad. But what else is there to do on a rainy, cold Monday evening?

I actually kept my superior attitude -- holding fast to the belief that, although I’m more than happy to waste hours on the Housewives, I would never be so desperate as to give even a second of my time to the Bachelor or any of its shoot-offs -- for about 30 seconds. I don’t think they’d even finished recapping the previous week’s episode and I’d already thrown aside the project I’d been intending to work on, giving my full, awed attention to the whining and backstabbing in front of me.

There were two things that struck me most about this show: first, the overwhelming number of synthetically altered bodies all in one place. I had no idea the plethora of things that a woman (or man – I’m looking at you, Jake Pavelka) could have nipped, tucked, injected, plucked, shaved, implanted, waxed, plumped-up, or plumped down. This show really is an educational experience. Maybe they’ll start rerunning it on PBS, right after Sesame Street.

The second thing I noticed was that these people are idiots. I mean, it stands to reason that if you attempt to make yourself resemble Barbie in every possible way, your brain isn’t far to follow; and let’s be honest, Lawyer Barbie is more Elle Woods than Marcia Clark.

It could be argued that by simply allowing themselves to be filmed for the show, they’ve displayed a severe lack of intelligence – or, at the very least, judgment – but what struck me even more is how absolutely uninformed they were about how much (or how little) money they could potentially win.

They all had grand ideas of how to spend the prize money, pledging to buy their moms a house, their dads a car, and the entire country of Indonesia, all with their $15K winnings. (It was actually more like $125K, but still…) Note to the Barbies and Kens of Bachelor Pad: just because it sounds like a lot of money, doesn’t mean it actually is a lot of money – or that it will allow you to buy a multitude of high-priced items. It's not 1946. A hundred thousand dollars does not a millionaire make. 

Maybe if we’re lucky, they’ll take $10 of those winnings and buy themselves a clue.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Right Honorable Fan

Dear Readers, tonight we have discovered something amazing.  Truly amazing.  Life changing amazing. 

The Right Honourable Gordon Brown is a loyal ATG reader.  It's true.  Take a moment for that to soak in. 

Tonight at a lecture on the Global Economy, Mr. Right Honourable gave a wink and a nod in ATGs direction during an anecdote.  Mr. Right Honourable was remaking that he usually apologizes for the British Empire in speeches he gives in America as we generally hate the idea of a monarchy (especially a Waity monarchy).  Then he revealed that he finds it ironic since American are the largest group of consumers of stories about the monarchy.  And who is the largest cosumer of monarchy stories?  ATG...  Somewhere in all that British humour and smoke and mirrors is an admission that Mr. Right Honourable reads ATG!!! 

Oh, and Gordie, no need to apologize about the British Empire.  Only apologize for losing the colonies.

Right Honourable thumbs up to ATG!

Friday, September 16, 2011

Worthlesque

I was hoping that in the wake of the 10th anniversary of 9/11 – as we came together as a nation, and honored those who lost their lives – that some of that solidarity and goodwill would rub off on me, allowing me to go at least a week without being a jerk.

Then I made the mistake of watching Burlesque.

Why, you ask, would I choose to watch a movie starring Christina Aguilera when I’m trying to be a positive person? I cannot defend this decision. I can’t. Apparently Glitter taught me nothing.

What I can say is that my viewing experience started off positively enough. In fact, my first impression – meaning, the first 30 seconds – was that Christina wasn’t such a bad actress. This just goes to show how very wrong first impressions can be. Ms. Aguilera has less charisma than a head of lettuce; I’m talking iceberg lettuce, not even arugula or something interesting. And, although she obviously has an amazing vocal range, I find her voice to be a bit like nails on a chalkboard – only less pleasing to the ear. I literally spent the majority of the movie waiting for her to go away, which was unfortunate, considering she was the lead.

And please don’t even get me started on her “acting” (if you can call it that). She truly has less acting ability than she does charisma. She spent the greater part of the film staring off into space wistfully, and lowering her eyes bashfully. The good news is, if you fast-forward through most of Christina’s singing and acting, it’s a much shorter movie. 

You're as cold as ice...berg lettuce

But here’s what really got me. Forget the fact that a girl from Iowa has a New York accent. Forget the fact that Cher and Kristen Bell were supposed to be BFFs despite a 30-year age difference. I can even get past (eventually) the fact that Burlesque’s writers tried to convince us that Ali (Aguilera) was a likeable person – a total falsehood – by not having every person she came across punch her in the face. What I can’t forget, nor forgive, however, is what happened during Suckstina’s audition scene.

There sat Cher, with Stanley Tucci by her side in all his bald-headed glory, looking for a replacement dancer. They watched dancer after dancer leap across the stage. I’m talking chassés, grand jetés, pirouttes. These girls were bringing it. But none of them was good enough. Not one. Cher and Stan were about to throw in the towel when, wait, here came their lovably headstrong waitress to save the day! She busted out a few hair flips and some jazz hands and, surprise surprise, got the job.

And that was the best scene in the movie.

Burlesque had absolutely no redeeming qualities, no big payoff at the end. In fact, it left me totally cold; sitting there wondering what kind of voodoo magic the filmmakers had to do to fit both Cher and Christina’s giant diva attitudes and unparalleled narcissism on-screen at the same time.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

On This Day in History


Today is the very special birthday of a very special prince; although, let’s be honest, every birthday this handsome prince celebrates is special, simply because it makes him another year legal. Rumor has it that this 27-year-old lovely will soon be in Vegas, which means so will ATG. Be prepared for some candid shots of the sweet ginger prince in the coming months; and don’t worry, with maximum-zoom cameras, that court-mandated, 100-yard separation feels like nothing.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

How Did This Happen?

Ok, dear readers.  Confession time:  I often hate on famous women.  I know, I know.  It's very anti-feminist of me because we can never expect men to value us if we don't value ourselves... blah, blah, blah.  But the simple truth is I despise Katy Perry, largely on the grounds that she's a TERRIBLE role model for girls (one day I'll share my thoughts on Twilight).  And she's famous for "singing"  or what I call shout-talking over music.  Oh, and then there is her lack of fashion sense. 

Exhibit One:  Cheese Head
Let's examine Katy's body of work (or at least the radio hits).  I'll give you Firework, it's a catchy song with a good message but it might be the only one. 
  • I Kissed a Girl (dismissive of lesbians, appeals to men's desires to watch two women get it on, shocking lack of talent)
  • California Gurls (advocating sex in multiple public places, being hot and wearing almost no clothes, shocking lack of talent)
  • Teenage Dream (again with the tight pants, drunk/blackout sex, shocking lack of talent)
  • Ur So Gay (highly offensive lyrics both on quality and subject matter, use of text speak in non-text medium by a person over the age of 12,  shocking lack of talent
But the one that really gets to me is Last Friday Night (TGIF).  First, it's shockingly close to another song of hers, Waking Up in Vegas.  Second, songs about Friday night are played out (and Rebecca Black's song is better).  Third, she's bragging about getting black out drunk, having sex with strangers, and maxing out her credit cards.  Oh, and the video is a self-indulgent EIGHT AND A HALF MINUTES LONG.  And there is that shocking lack of talent issue. 

But what really gets me is that she wrote a song celebrating the joys of alcohol addiction and she's married to Russell Brand, a man who has struggled and is currently in recovery from drug and alcohol addiction.  I'm not saying Katy has to never talk about alcohol ever but to make money (serious money) and make light of the subject seems a bit insensitive.  Especially when Russell Brand just wrote a sensitive, thoughful, forward thinking essay on addiction.  

The trifecta: intelligent, funny & hot

And I really, really, REALLY wonder what she and Russell Brand talk about. 

KP: Hey babe, I just wrote THE NUMBER ONE SONG IN AMERICA. 

RB:  That's great babe!  I'm shockingly underrated in America.

KP:  My song is about getting black out drunk and not remembering that you had sex with a stranger and maxed out your credit cards and being super excited to do it all again in a week!

RB: One- I am talented and funny.  Two- I did crazier things in my binges.  Three- I'm in recovery from drug and alcohol use. 

KP: I have boobs!

Hmmmm... I may have just answered my own question....

Oh and Russell, don't worry about the American audience, we don't deserve you.  These people currently have the number two song in America. 
LMFAO?  Nope...

Friday, September 2, 2011

One Last Birthday Gift

Because we all love a man in uniform (and I can't stop at one download of the Ginger Prince - especially not on such a special day)...

Bringing gapped teeth back...

Birthday Math (The Good Kind)

It might not be blogging fame, but we here at ATG are into making birthday dreams come true.  With the help of math.  Oh yes, I said it.  Math.

For R's birthday, we here at ATG give you the following formula:

Take the brains of 

Serious smarty pants

Add the wit of

Can I be her, please?
And the beauty of

Daniel Craig is a lucky man
Multiply by the goodness of
Pictured with R's late future mother-in-law
And divide by total and utter adoration of

Devotion personified
And that's the Divine Miss R in a nutshell!

Now that's some math that we can all get behind...

You Must Have Been a Beautiful Baby

Seeing as how today is the birthday of one of our award-winning (if I get my birthday wish) bloggers, I thought it would be interesting to see who else was celebrating a birthday today. (Expect a similar entry in November.) Turns out that there are many, many, many beautiful, talented, and intelligent September 2 babies; however, this post will focus only on a special few.

Salma Hayek 
Born 9/2/66 in Coatzacoalcos, Veracruz, Mexico

Spicy Salma

This dyslexic actress was also one of People’s Most Beautiful. Twice. With a father of Lebanese descent, a mother of Spanish descent, and a French husband, it’s no surprise that this feisty female is also fluent in 4 languages. I assume English is one of them, despite the fact that I rarely understand the words that are coming out of her mouth. But, as someone recently told me, she doesn’t need words; she speaks the language of l-o-v-e. And this talented lady can speak “love” in FOUR different languages. Her husband is a lucky man.


Keanu Reeves 
Born 9/2/64 in Beirut, Lebanon

Kind, yet Kooky, Keanu

Another one of the “Beautiful People,” Keanu has had a surprisingly busy acting career considering he can’t act. Don’t get me wrong, I love the kid, but he needs to stick to the Bill & Ted and Parenthood type roles; even Speed wasn’t too big a stretch for his acting chops. It’s when he starts trying to do Shakespeare – and accents – that we have problems. Listen, the guy’s probably never going to win an Oscar (although, if Nicolas Cage can, then obviously movie-caliber miracles do happen) but he knows that. He owns that. And it makes him exponentially more likeable and his movies exponentially more tolerable. Bottom line, I may avoid his movies like the plague, but I still consider myself a Keanu Reeves fan.


Mark Harmon
Born 9/2/51 in Burbank, California
Celebrating the big 6-0!

Manly Mark

The only stateside-born entry on our list, this Sexiest Man Alive (seriously, those 9/2 babies are some bea-utiful people) has been married to Mindy from Mork and Mindy (aka Pam Dawber) for 24 years. He played quarterback at UCLA, was Ricky Nelson’s brother-in-law, and rescued two boys from a burning car after they crashed outside his home. Basically, he’s the coolest guy ever. (Eat your heart out, Chuck Norris.) AND, he stars on NCIS. NCIS is a pretty awesome show of its own merit, but it’s made even awesomer by the fact that its casting department was smart enough to cast a friend of All That Glitters’s in an episode. Sure, they killed her with her head in a toilet, but the rest of her body gave an Emmy-worthy performance. No one plays a corpse like she does.  

So, as you can see, it doesn’t get much more fabulous than a September 2 baby. But don’t feel bad; I’m sure your birthdates are almost as awesome. In the (slightly altered) words of Wicked’s Galinda, the (not quite as) Good (as she thinks) Witch, “You’ll be (fabulous). Just not quite as (fabulous) as meeee!”

And now, let’s celebrate. Pink champagne for everyone!

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Offending the Colonies

I know the royal visit was forever ago but the passing of time has never stopped me from being heated about something.  And dear readers, if I can't get over the past offenses of Waity through venting to you, what do I have?

I'm sure we all remember when Waity and the hubby graced the US (well, not the US, California) with their presence.  As far as I can tell, the main purpose of this visit was to offend the whole of America - especially Texans.  Why, for the love of everything, would they wear cowboy boots and hats in CALIFORNIA???  More specifically, LA???  And why only go to LA?  Is if for Waity to show off how thin she is by comparison?  Yawn.

What the visit did give us is a series of hilarious pictures that I will turn into a comic strip.  This is done through my magic abilities to read the hearts and minds of the annoying through Paparazzi pictures.  Its a talent.






Waity:  Hey Willis, one has a great idea!  Let's dress like cowboys in LA!

Willis:  Um, Waity.  I think that may be offensive.  I mean did you do a Google search?

 Waity: One needn't!  One is the Queen of England, um, future Queen.  The colonies are lucky that one is deigning them with one's presence!


Willis:  Um, Waity, I feel self conscious.  And I feel like these pants give me lady hips.

Waity:  Well, they do, sort of.  Use those hips to walk with a swagger.  One believes that one saw a Clint Eastwood move on a transatlantic flight.  One was in business first because one was poor.  One doesn't like to remember those times.



Waity:  WILLIS! One's feet are tired of walking!  Get one a stage coach!

Willis:  Waity,  that really is going too far.  It's highly offens...

Waity:  GET ONE A STAGECOACH NOW!!!


Waity:  Oooooh, Willis!  One sees a colonist with good plugs!  One thinks it is Nicholas Cage.  One demands that you get plugs now.

 
Willis:  I don't want plugs.  I want to be natural.  It's the British way.  Remain quiet, deal with your lot in life.

Waity:  One has already made an appointment.  One cannot be buying you hats to wear everyday.  One has food not to eat and clothes to buy for one's self.


Willis:  I'm just going to stand over here and pretend I'm the Malboro Man.  He wouldn't get plugs if his wife demanded he did.

Waity:  Ooooh!  One is glad you are getting into this!  One feels like Debra Winger in Urban Cowboy.  One loves one's life!