Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

In July of last year, Kim Kardashian filed a lawsuit against The Gap, parent company of Old Navy, for using her doppelganger in its Old Navy commercials. She contended that using this “look-alike” was confusing and misleading for her fans, as well as a violation of her intellectual property rights and damaging to her reputation. The Gap has recently hit back, which is bringing the lawsuit back to the media’s forefront. And let me tell you, folks, there’s so much juicy goodness in this lawsuit that I’m not even entirely sure where to start. But let’s start with the term “look-alike.” To me, this implies that one person looks like another. Correct? 

Admittedly, one semester of Media Law and an attempt at the LSATs doesn’t make me a lawyer, but I’m not convinced this is a valid argument. What do you guys think? 

Separated at birth?

Sure, they both have that “everything about me is fake” look but I can’t imagine confusing one with the other, and therefore find it hard to believe that these commercials could be misleading or confusing to anyone—Kimmie’s fans included. Of course, I suppose that if you’re a Kardashian fan of any of flavor, you’re not, by definition, the sharpest eyeliner in the make-up bag.

As far as violating intellectual property rights, don’t you have to have an intellect in order to have rights to its property? I’m just saying…

But the best part of this lawsuit is, by far, The Gap’s response to KK’s contention that these commercials are damaging to her reputation. The company’s lawyers are arguing that Ms. Kartrashian’s reputation is so bad that it is in fact “libel-proof.” This essentially means that her reputation is already such a joke that it cannot be damaged any further—by the clothing giant or anyone else. That’s gotta hurt. Of course, considering her greatest claims to fame are a sex tape and a fake 72-day marriage, I think The Gap has a solid case.

And, as if the defense against her isn’t humiliating enough, Kim’s ex-boyfriend Reggie Bush is adding insult to injury by wining and dining the alleged look-alike, Melissa Molinaro.

Don’t worry, though, Kim. Maybe Reggie was just confused. Maybe he thought he was actually on a date with you.

After all, you know what they say about Kim Kardashian fans… 

‘Til (Almost) Death Do We Part

In a world where marriages come with a 30-day trial period and quickie internet divorces are as instant as a cup of Folgers, it seems miraculous for one’s wedding vows to remain unbroken for even a decade. Sure, there are plenty of marriages that have beaten the odds, but for every Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward (married 50 years) and Jerry Stiller and Anne Meara (married 57 years), there are many more Britney Spears and Jason Alexander(s) (married 55 hours) and Mario Lopez and Ali Landry(s) (married 2 weeks).

Sure, not living in Hollywood increases your marriage-enduring odds exponentially, but given some recent events in Italy, it’s painfully obvious that there are no guarantees in the business of being married.

For, you see, it seems that a 99-year-old Italian man, known only as Antonio C., is divorcing his 96-year-old wife after 77 years of marriage. Seventy-seven years. I can’t even count that high.

You may be asking yourself what on earth would provoke a man—after 77 years—to divorce his wife; a woman who he’s presumably seen at her absolute worst and her, him. What incites a man to leave the woman with whom he’s had five children, 12 grandchildren, and one great-grandchild after nearly eight decades together?

Lies, that’s what.

Apparently Mr. C. recently stumbled across love letters exchanged between his wife Rosa and her lover. That’s right. Rosa had an affair. 60 years ago.  And after finding the evidence of his wife’s infidelity, Antonio was apparently unable—to (sort of) quote The Lion King’s deep-thinking warthog, Pumba—to put his behind in his past. I can’t say that I necessarily blame him. That’s six decades of lies fermenting in an antique chest of drawers. Not to mention the fact that she kept the letters. For 60 years. That’s gotta sting if you’re the husband.

Obviously this is a messy situation, in which there is no winner. All I know is that on our friend Antonio’s next birthday, he’ll have the opportunity to not only celebrate hitting the century mark but also hitting the town as a single dude.

Wonder where a centenarian goes to pick up chicks...   

New Year. Same Judgment.

First let me say, Happy New Year!

But fear not, my friends. The year may be new, but the judgment remains the same.

The first object of today’s affectionate judgment is one of our favorites: Kate Middleton. To start the year off right, here’s a picture of the “world’s most beautiful woman” (yeah, perhaps if we lived in Whoville) en route to a royal Christmas celebration. Sometimes I truly feel like I’m living in an alternate universe. I would feel much more charitable towards her if I wasn’t constantly being told how stunning she was, what an amazing dresser she was, how she can do no wrong, blah, blah, blah.

So, you see? My bitchiness isn’t really my fault. I blame the media. 

The Duchess of Whoville, er, Cambridge

I will say, though, that someone mentioned Kate Middleton in conversation the other day and I couldn’t, for a second, remember who that was. This says to me that I’m either making real progress or I have a brain tumor. Either way, maybe we’ll give Waity a slight reprieve in 2012. (Although, her 30th birthday is Monday, so I make no promises...)

However, we promised you judgment, and by golly, there will be judgment. So, on to the next object of our affectionate judgment…

Have you heard that, although Kate Middleton may be the most beautiful woman in the world, Jennifer Aniston is—according to Men’s Health—the sexiest woman of ALL-TIME? 

The Sexiest Woman of All-Time (?)

Yes, friends, you read that right. We’re not talking the last year, the last decade, or even the last five minutes. No, they voted her the sexiest woman of ALL TIME. What?! Granted, I don’t subscribe to Men’s Health—mostly because I’m not a man—so perhaps I have no room to talk (although, really, when has that stopped me?) but I also don’t subscribe to the idea that JA is the sexiest woman of all time. What about Carole Lombard? Hedy Lamarr? Marilyn Monroe? Lana Turner? Rita Hayworth? Spending the majority of Horrible Bosses saying filthy things does not a sexy woman make. It’s just gross. That’s my thought, at least, what do you guys think?

And lastly…

This is incredible. Finally someone else is passing the judgment for me. What a relief. Being such a judgmental jerk can get SO exhausting!

Spoiler alert: If you’re a huge Kristen Stewart fan (and, really, if you’re over 12, you’re probably not), you may want to refrain from clicking the above link. Otherwise, enjoy.

And, again, happy new year! Here’s to a 2012 filled with good health, much happiness, and lots of juicy judgments!