Thursday, November 28, 2013

The Hills Have Flatlined

There was a time when I really liked Carrie Underwood. There was even a time when I thought she was the best thing to come out of American Idol (besides Simon’s toddler t-shirts and Paula’s crazy, of course).

Then I realized that her voice is really annoying. Like, really.

It seems like with every pound she lost, her voice got harsher and more nasally. I wasn’t thrilled when NBC replaced Faith Hill’s rendition of the Sunday Night Football opener (which was oftentimes the best part of the entire game) with Carrie’s aforementioned nasally harshness, but even that pales in comparison to their most recent brush with stupidity. 

Proving yet again that Hollywood is completely worthless when it comes to generating original ideas, someone at NBC decided that what the world really needed was a regurgitated version of The Sound of Music. Because, you know, when something is done to near perfection the first time, it makes total sense to redo it.

But, wait, it’s okay that they’re going to bastardize this beloved classic because they’ve got a gimmick plan: They’re going to perform it live.

Listen, I get it. Why gamble on a new idea/screenwriter when you can just plagiarize an idea that did well before? It makes total sense. I mean, it doesn’t – at all – but what makes even less sense is replacing the beautiful, talented, kind, lovely, soft, British Julie Andrews with…Carrie Underwood. Carrie may be many of the same things, but her voice is not. I mean, c’mon, even if you’re a Carrie fan, you have to admit that this was poor casting. 

Maria von Crapp

The way NBC gets around this outrageous casting decision – because they know they’ve totally effed this one up – is by saying that they’re not trying to remake the original. I’m sorry, what? Is the story the same? Is the music the same? Then I'd say it's a remake. And you don’t get to redo such a widely known and respected film as The Sound of Music and then say that you’re not trying to remake it.

You are remaking it. That’s the problem. And you’re doing it with Carrie Underwood, who may be terribly talented but is no Maria von Trapp.

So, it’s official. The hills are no longer alive with the sound of music.

Carrie Underwood has killed them.

I give you Exhibit A:   



I rest my case.

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Like a Fine Wine

Giving hope to uncool, unathletic, unseen high schoolers everywhere, People has chosen this guy to be its latest Sexiest Man:



Let us all learn from this. In the same way that Lars and the Real Girl taught us to be kind to odd-looking, socially-awkward, borderline-creepy guys because underneath it all they could be Ryan Gosling, so too should we be nice to the vertically challenged, acne-covered kid with the somewhat girly voice because he could, one day, be this guy:


  Adam Levine, People's latest addition to its Sexiest Man collection.   

Here’s to not peaking in high school!

Sunday, November 17, 2013

A Royal Case of Baby Fever

I can admit it. He’s cute. Really cute. His parents may be in the top 5 most overrated people on the planet, but their baby is kind of adorable.

I’m sure you can guess who I’m talking about: Prince George of Cambridge, son of the delightfully dull Duke and Duchess of Cambridge (aka Kate and William Middleton). You’ve probably seen pictures from his christening, which occurred in late October, but in case you’re the one person in the world who hasn’t yet seen the little guy, feast your eyes on this:




Other Prince George-related items of note:

  • His parents, who are just like you and me, bought their boy a baby carriage that cost over $2,000. I mean, don’t we all? And let’s be clear: This is not a stroller. He can’t grow into it. They won’t be using it for years to come. The life expectancy on this pram is another couple of months and then it’s retired. But, then, what do they care? It’s not their money.

    Perhaps you can’t be bothered to bargain shop when you’re so very busy “changing the face of the monarchy” by pretending to be down-to-earth.

  • At the private tea held at Clarence House after the christening, guests were served slices of cake cut from a tier of William and Kate’s wedding cake. Incidentally, another slice of their wedding cake was just in the news after having been smuggled out of their wedding reception in 2011 and recently sold at a Beverly Hills auction for OVER $4,000. What? Maybe it was Wills and Kate who were behind the whole thing. Perhaps they used this ridiculously overpriced piece of cake to pay for their baby’s ridiculously overpriced carriage.

    But I doubt it.


  • Little George is giving his mother gray hair. But not really. He’s being blamed for giving his mother gray hair, but there were plenty of pictures highlighting her gray hairs even before she was a duchess.


    Listen, as you know, I rarely pass up an opportunity to judge the Deficient Duchess, but even I think this has been blown out of proportion. People gray. It’s a fact of life. On the other hand, when all you’ve given people to judge you on is your appearance, you can’t exactly be surprised when they do.

    As for the folks saying, “Leave them alone and let them live their lives in private,” I say, “What?!” Royals don’t get to hide away, living life in private. That’s the deal. They get unlimited pampering and privilege, but with limited privacy. Kate knew this. And she chose this life anyway. A bit Faustian? Perhaps. But don’t tell me she didn’t know exactly what she was getting – or that I should feel sorry for her.

But enough about Kate. For now. I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that the British Royal Family is about to increase by yet one more – and, thankfully, I’m not talking about the Sweet Ginger Prince taking a wife. Yet.  
I’m referring instead to one of Princess Anne’s oft-forgotten children, Zara, who is currently gestating yet another great-grandchild for Britain’s beloved queen. You may remember Zara from last year’s London Olympics where, as other members of The Family sat idly by clapping and smiling, Zara was winning silver medals in the team equestrian event. But now, as she eases into her last trimester, she’s traded horses for homemaking – cooking, to be exact.

Zara may not technically have a title – a decision her mother made for both her and her brother – but I’d say she’s representing the royal family quite nicely. 

  Zara and her well-fed husband, Mike Tindall, at Prince George's christening.   

And it looks like another royal family will also soon be getting a visit from the stork. Sweden's Princess Madeleine and her husband, Chris O’Neill, are expecting their own little Swedish meatball next spring. If you remember, the two married in June and not long after came news of the pregnancy that “happened a little fast and very suddenly,” according to the princess. This will be the second grandbaby for Sweden’s king and queen, with Madeleine’s sister, Crown Princess Victoria, producing an heir in February of last year. This latest addition to the royal family is due to make his or her much(ish)-anticipated appearance in March.

Mark your calendars.


Princess Madeleine, with her husband Chris, hiding her baby bump.

And here...not so much.


Saturday, November 16, 2013

Cruisin’ for a Bruisin’

It was widely reported last week that, in a deposition, Tom Cruise made the outrageous claim that being an actor was just as difficult as serving in Afghanistan. It turns out that, shockingly, the media may’ve gotten it wrong. It appears that what Cruise actually said wasn’t so much that being an actor was as challenging as serving in the military, but that being away from his daughter while filming was as tough as fighting a war, that it was “brutal.” Obviously this assertion still leaves plenty of room for argument, but it’s not quite as offensive as what was first reported.

Here’s why I think Tom Cruise’s PR people should be worried: No one even questioned the accuracy of the original claim. I read quite a few articles when the story first broke, accompanied by quite a few comments from the masses, and I didn’t see one person even entertain the notion that perhaps Cruise’s comments were taken out of context or misunderstood. Not one. I have to think that if it had been, say, Gary Sinise, people wouldn’t have been quite so quick to believe that he’d made such an egregious claim. But for old Tommy Boy, well, it seemed fairly in keeping with his self-important character and overinflated ego.

On second thought, Cruise’s people probably have about as much job security as you can have in Hollywood. It seems improbable that the Scientology-loving, psychiatry-slamming, word-vomiting fellow will ever not need his damage-control mouthpieces.   

 Honestly, how can you take anything this guy says seriously?  

Someone, however, who refuses to ever be misquoted as saying that acting is as hard as fighting a war is Mark Wahlberg. He made sure of that at a recent screening of his new film, Lone Survivor, in which he plays a Navy SEAL. The youngest Wahlberg made his position very clear by saying, “For actors to sit there and talk about 'Oh I went to SEAL training'? I don't give a f--k what you did. You don't do what these guys did. For somebody to sit there and say my job was as difficult as being in the military? How f--kin dare you, while you sit in a makeup chair for two hours?"

He later said that he was completely unaware of Cruise’s comments and that his rant was in no way directed at the former Mr. Katie Holmes.

But it seems that Cruise would take issue with Wahlberg’s assertion that pretending to do a job for a few months is not the same as actually doing that job in real life. For instance, Olympic athletes? Please. They’ve got nothing on the almighty actor. Feast your eyes on this golden nugget: "A sprinter for the Olympics, they only have to run two races a day. When I'm shooting, I could potentially have to run 30, 40 races a day, day after day."

Yep, the Great (in his own mind) Tom Cruise actually said that. In the same deposition. Presumably under oath.

Forget that athletes spend years in training – getting up before dawn and making innumerable sacrifices – with the hopes of one day getting to run those “two races;” forget that these same athletes, in general, don’t make anywhere near as much as the Great Overactor; forget all that. All you need to know is that Tom Cruise’s job is very, very hard. It takes a very tough man to be able to handle First Class flights, makeup chairs and pedicures. I mean, this man has to run 30 or 40 races per day and he’s only getting paid $20 million for it.

A weaker man would crumble under the pressure.

Honestly, how such a giant ego can fit into such a tiny body is one of the great mysteries of our time.