Monday, January 20, 2014

Vegas, Here They Come!

Remember that confirmed bachelor Johnny Depp? The man who spent 14 years with the same woman and sired two children with her, but just couldn’t marry her? The free spirit who wouldn’t allow himself to be tied down by a government-issued piece of paper? Remember him?  

Well, he’s getting married.

To a lesbian.

Okay, so she’s probably not technically a lesbian if she’s marrying the old Deppster, but she was dating a woman when she and Johnny cheated on their respective partners met on the set of their film The Rum Diary. Of course, if you’ve seen Don Juan DeMarco or even Pirates of the Caribbean, it’s not so hard to see how a woman who’s into chicks could also be into this guy. With enough eye makeup, he’s kind of beautiful. (The same could probably be said for most of us).

Johnny and his daughter - sorry, fiancée - Amber

The woman slated to be the next Mrs. Johnny Depp, a title that I always thought I would hold (until he got old and gross), is actress Amber Heard.  Like I mentioned, they met on The Rum Diary set and, seeing as how they’re soul mates, have been inseparable ever since. (I may’ve made this last bit up.)

But before you use Edward's scissorhands to slit your throat in despair, you should know that it’s quite possible that these two won’t actually make it down the aisle. Johnny has a reputation (several, actually) for being a bit of a romantic. He’s known in some circles as being the “proposing kind” but not the “marrying kind.” Through the years he’s proposed to approximately 7,492 women - and even inspired a bumper sticker that read, “Honk if you’ve never been engaged to Johnny Depp” - but only married one of them. Maybe, though, Amber’s the one; the one he’s been waiting for this whole time. Maybe she’s lucky #2. Maybe she’s his golden ticket to marital bliss.

And speaking of golden tickets, Amber’s really scored on this one (and not just in the Biblical sense). Before her torrid heterosexual affair with one of Hollywood’s most leadingest men, there weren't that many people who knew – or cared – who she was. Now she’s the talk of the town. Or, at the very least, the topic of an ATG blog, which is a pretty big deal considering she’s not British, titled, or named Middleton.

If nothing else, this has been a great career move on her part, not that I’m saying that was her motivation. Maybe she really loves him. Maybe she can’t get enough of his unbathed, stale-smoke scent. Maybe she finds his quirks endearing as opposed to just really weird. Maybe they’re destined for a long and happy marriage.

And maybe my dear Johnny will finally win an Oscar this year.

Monday, January 13, 2014

Announcing the ATG Kate Middleton Award for Achievement in Extreme Thinness- Golden Globe Nominees

Well, well, well... Dear Readers, we find ourselves at the beginning of a new year and yet another awards show season.  And beyond all the excitement of dresses, awards, and interviews we get to check in on who has decided that eating is no longer important.  And this year, just for our own amusement, we've decided to play a little game.  It's called the ATG Kate Middleton Award for Achievement in Extreme Thinness. 

You may be asking yourself "What are the rules for the ATG Kate Middleton Award for Achievement in Extreme Thinness?" Well, first, extreme thinness.   Second, extreme thinness.  Third, the weight (or lack thereof) of their merit as fashion icon.  After each award show we will present to you before and after pictures of Starlets who have decided to join the Girlfriend Needs to Eat a Sandwich Club.  All you need to do, Dear Reader, is decide who had the most awesome year in Extreme Thinness.  And if we miss someone?  Feel free to send your submissions for the wildcard category.

We begin with the nominees from last night's Golden Globes.  And they certainly did not disappoint. 

Here Dear Reader, is our first nomination for your consideration... Emma Stone. I know, I know.  Try to look beyond the hideous spangely sequin sperm shirt and garbage bag skirt but be careful or you might miss Miss Stone.

After: 2014 Golden Globes (Beaded tops add 15 pounds)
Before:  Healthy and gorgeous at the 2013 Academy Awards

To be fair, we needed to show her collarbones

Our second nomination of the evening is Julie Bowen from Modern Family.  Listen, Julie is gorgeous.  And I actually love this dress choice.  What I don't love is the skeletor vibe...

After: 2014 Golden Globes
Before: 2013 Golden Globes
And the ever important collarbone shot from earlier this year.

And I'd also like to give Matthew McConaughey an honorable mention.  YES.  I know it's for his part in the Dallas Buyers' Club.  But isn't all female weight loss also for a part?  And I know he's gained weight back, but not enough....

Alright, alright, alright... eat a sandwich
 
Now we implore you, Dear Reader, which starlet's extreme thinness reigned supreme?  And more importantly, did we miss any Waity-Level thinness???

Sunday, January 5, 2014

It’s Like Rain on Your Wedding Day

Oh the irony.

You may remember that Kate Winslet married for the third time a little over a year ago. You may also remember that ATG predicted at the time that the Winsletator would soon be pregnant. Just add it to the list of things ATG has prophesied correctly. Winslet gave birth to her third child, a boy, last month. The father? Presumably hubby #3: Ned Rocknroll. Yes, you read that correctly. The man that Kate chose to marry and procreate with is also a man who thought it sounded like a swell idea to have his name legally changed from Ned Abel Smith to Ned Rocknroll.

Given their life choices, you would think that these two would have some semblance of a sense of humor about things. But you’d be wrong. When asked if her latest addition would be taking his father’s surname, Kate’s classy response was: “Of course we’re not going to call it Rocknroll. People might judge all they like, but I am a f-cking grown-up.”

I’m sorry to offend you, Kate, but you can see why there might be some confusion on the subject. After all, you did choose to marry a man who legally changed his name – as an adult – to something just a small step above Harry Balls.

    Mr. Rocknroll, his missus, and "It"
   It's so endearing when mothers refer to their children as "it," don't you think?     

And you want to know what this grownup and her husband chose to name their baby? Bear. That’s literally his name. When my mom was pregnant with my sister, my brother named the baby in her stomach Frosty. He was three. These types of names make sense when you’re three. When you’re a “grown-up,” not so much.

So, to recap: Kate’s too adult to name her baby Bear Rocknroll – and, to be clear, it’s the Rocknroll part that she finds so offensive; Bear is a totally grown-up decision – but is fine marrying a man with the same surname.

Is this failing to make sense to anybody else…or am I just not grown up enough to understand?

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Desperation, Thy Name is Miley

They say that the best way to deal with a child who’s attempting to garner attention by acting out is to simply ignore the child, but I just can’t do it anymore. It would be grossly negligent for ATG to continue ignoring the train wreck that is Miley Cyrus. After all, anyone who makes Amanda Bynes look like a respectable and upstanding citizen should probably take a long look at her own life choices.

Oh, Miley. What has happened to you? Do you have a brain tumor? How else does one explain such a diametric swing from Disney sweetheart to whore next door? (I don’t particularly care for the word whore, but it rhymes so well with door and when the writing gods inspire that kind of R-rated Dr. Seuss moment, you just have to go with it.)

 BEFORE and AFTER the botched tongue surgery that left Miley unable to retract her tongue.   

First there was the Wrecking Ball video. Oh, heavens. As soon as I finished watching it, I went directly to confession – and would encourage Miley to do the same. Not to mention, how did the Department of Sanitation not shut this shoot down? Writhing around naked on a wrecking ball (an admittedly appropriate prop given the song title, but with a severely inappropriate lack of clothing) and making out with a sledge hammer is almost certainly unsanitary. Considering where Miley’s most likely been putting her lady bits, someone should alert the Center for Disease Control immediately to dispose of the poor, violated wrecking ball.

In case one of your New Year’s resolutions is to lose weight, feast your eyes on the below monstrosity. Totally purge-inducing but without any harm to your manicure. But be warned: A) This song is like flypaper; it will get stuck in your head. For days. And B) Don’t let anyone whose opinion you value catch you watching this filth. It’s shameful.


Not long after the Wrecking Ball video, came Twerkgate. Ah, Twerkgate. I must admit, I missed the original VMA airing of Miley’s “performance” with Robin Thicke. I also missed the second. And probably the third. But I finally watched it and, yes, it was icky and trashy and confession-worthy, but what I found most offensive was Miley’s “vocals.” Yikes. Why is no one discussing that? After all, she is a “singer,” correct? And while I’m sure it’s hard to carry a tune while simultaneously raunching it up with a foam penis finger, perhaps this is something she should have considered before trading in her dignity for a foam finger and nude bikini.

So, in case you haven’t yet reached your goal weight:


Then there was the picture of Miley just being Miley, and enjoying the warm L.A. weather, that she Tweeted in October. I mean, I assume it’s Miley enjoying the weather. Your guess is as good as mine considering she chose not to show her face. Not an entirely poor decision. Had I been born looking like Stewie’s long-lost twin, I might very well choose to pull a Michael Jackson and hide my face from the public as well.

Yep, totally normal behavior...for a narcissist.

And most recently there was the desperate attempt to stay relevant relationship with Twilight actor Kellan Lutz. They apparently had a serious make-out session in Vegas last week, but then, unfortunately for Kellan(‘s career), Miley quickly saw something shiny decided that she wasn’t really into aging vampires and that she preferred girls instead. Not long after, she was seen – still in Vegas – getting hot and heavy with one of Britney Spears’s (female) back-up dancers. Seriously, you just can’t make this stuff up. In case you’re wondering, Miley’s now apparently bisexual and has been “experimenting with women.”

Of course she has.

It’s been approximately 30 seconds since someone uttered the name Miley Cyrus and that just won’t do. She’s done the slutty thing, the politically incorrect thing, even the gluten-free thing; now it’s time to do the bisexual thing. Anything to stay relevant. I’ll give her this: She knows how to keep people talking. And if she truly lives by the adage “no publicity is bad publicity,” which she clearly does, it’s anyone’s guess what desperate, attention-seeking behavior she has on her to-do list.

I shudder to think.

Remember when the most controversial thing she’d done was expose her back on the cover of Vanity Fair?

Those were the days. And speaking of days, it will be “interesting” (and by interesting, I mean sad and pathetic) to see what shenanigans this Disney darling can get up to in the remaining 364 days of 2014.

And on that note…

Happy New Year! Whatever resolutions you’ve decided to make this year, we sincerely hope that reading more ATG is at the top of your list!

It's good to have a goal.