The Reign In Spain

I always thought the Spanish royal family would be a good choice if one was looking to force oneself marry into a royal family. Their prince is pretty handsome, in a Disney sort of way; they get some attention from the press, but aren’t smothered by it; there’s the whole Catholic thing; and the Spaniards, in general, are a beautiful people. Win, win and win.

Then Prince Felipe went and married someone else. Story of my life.

Sure, Letizia Ortiz was a career-minded, divorced commoner. But she was beautiful and well-dressed. And last Thursday, she also added “queen” to her resume. Lucky girl.

Letizia’s husband, Crown Prince Felipe, became King Felipe VI last Thursday after his father, King Juan Carlos, signed the legislation making his abdication official on Wednesday. It’s believed that Juan Carlos did this, at least in part, to help revive the Spanish monarchy with new, younger blood, thereby increasing its popularity as well.

 Felipe, Letizia, and their daughters, Sofia and Leonor, at his coronation.  

Monarchies are a funny thing. Some people love them, some hate them (usually the people who have to live under them), and apparently Spain is no different. In fact, they appear to be one of the more divided countries on the subject, especially after Juan Carlos went on a very extravagant, very expensive elephant-hunting safari a couple of years ago during the height of the country’s recession.

Apparently the Spaniards are in such bad shape that it wasn’t even the hunting of elephants that bothered them; it was the expense incurred to do so.

PETA must not translate well into Spanish.

Royals taking luxurious vacations while their “subjects” struggle to survive isn’t an unfamiliar tale. In fact, dare I say, it is a tale as old as time. What isn’t so familiar, however, is the simplicity and modesty with which Felipe’s coronation was handled, in an effort to show solidarity with a struggling populace. Was it all just lip service by the royals in an effort to save their jobs? Quite possibly. But at least it shows that they’re listening to the people, which can’t necessarily be said for all royal families/heads of state.

Speaking of, no foreign royals or heads of state were invited to witness Felipe’s ascension to the throne. And, although 2,000 important folks were invited to the reception – including bankers, politicians, and bull fighters – their post-coronation feast consisted only of tapas, which are Spanish appetizers (I Googled it), and sparkling wine, all of which they enjoyed while standing up. I assume this is because no chairs were provided – in another effort to save on costs – but perhaps it was for some other reason entirely, maybe some European diet trick.

Perhaps this is how the Spanish stay so thin.

And since we’re on the topic of thin, let’s discuss Spain’s new queen in a bit more detail, shall we? First, she’s thin. She’s also young, at least as far as queens go. She’s mother to Sofia and Leonor. (Their father is King Felipe.) And she’s *gasp* divorced. From her *gasp* high school English teacher. (Okay, so that one really is kind of gasp-worthy. And gross.)

She’s also apparently, overall, wholly unpopular among the people. Why is anyone’s guess, although it can probably be chalked up to two things: 1) the fact that the monarchy is, overall, wholly unpopular among the people, and 2) the fact that she’s an arrogant, disinterested, detached, snobby witch. Allegedly.

Given the fact that she’s not the most popular woman on the planet, she’s probably been bestowed with many (unpleasant) titles, but the one that seems to be getting the most use as of late is the title of Spain’s first “commoner queen.” I can’t say that I’d love being referred to as a “commoner” anything, but I suppose if it was followed by “queen,” I could probably get used to it. 

Felipe and his common wife on their wedding day.

Perhaps you’re wondering what makes her so common. Being the daughter of a journalist and a nurse - and the granddaughter of a taxi driver - of course. And then there’s the fact that she was part of the working class, working as a broadcast journalist for many years. FYI, if you’re wondering what actual, well-documented work prior to achieving royal status looks like, this is it.

Whether these young royals will be the breath of fresh air that the Spanish monarchy needs to survive is anyone’s guess, but I’m kind of rooting for them.

Then again, I don’t have to pay for them – or their PETA-enraging habits. 

A Royal Coo-up

My oh my oh my.

Life is getting tough for the Kate Middleton, the Deficient Duchess.

If there is one thing good ol' Waity is good at it's shopping and wearing clothes.  I mean, people, she literally exists to waste away so she can wear clothes better than they look on coat hangers.

Until this week that is.  In a surprising fashion coup, Prince George, Cementer of Marriages, has snatched the title of Best Dressed Royal from his mother, Lady Worhtless, Royal Brusher of the Tresses.

But really, could you deny this face?  More importantly, could you deny this face his inheritance?

Mummy!  Your skirt has blown up round your ears again!

I wonder what Waity's strategy for reclaiming the title of Best Dressed Royal will be?  The way I see it, we're either in for a year of tasteful dresses with weighted hems (I'm talking hems stuffed with rocks) or a year full of this:

Bum-tastic!

Me?  I'm torn.  On one hand, I don't think I can take another "Skirt-gate" media frenzy.  On the other hand, I'd love dear old Queen Lizzie to lay the royal smack down.

Otherwise Engaged

You hear that ringing in the distance? It’s the sound of wedding bells. And boy are those bells tolling for some of our favorite bachelors – and by “favorite,” I mean that you’ve probably heard of them and you may not hate them.

Of course, the engagement that’s getting the most attention is that of confirmed bachelor George Clooney. Up until now it appeared that one failed marriage had been enough for him, that one bad experience was all he needed to swear off of the stuff forever.

Kind of like acid.

I’ve heard.

But his aversion to holy matrimony seems to have flown out the window after meeting Lebanese-born, London-based, human rights attorney, Amal Alamuddin. Or perhaps his aversion took flight when he (allegedly) decided to run for political office. Whatever the reason, the fact remains that the man who turned lack of commitment into an art form is now scheduled to walk down an Italian aisle in September (a very good month, I must say). I think this is a learning opportunity for all of us: Even the impossible is possible if you just believe. This means that, yes, Taylor Swift may actually have a functional relationship someday, and the ATG girls may one day be fans of the Deficient Duchess.

Just kidding.

Neither of those will ever happen.

The lawyer and her love

This next engagement is almost too painful for me to write about. In fact, it took me almost two months to pull myself together enough to even string a few coherent words together. Yes, my dear friends, it appears that my boyfriend is engaged. No, blessedly I’m not referring to the SGP. I’m referring instead to my other boyfriend: Donnie Wahlberg. The hardest part about this awful situation is that I had to find out about it online, just like everyone else. I feel like Minnie Driver.

But I’ll try to pull myself up from the depths of despair long enough to tell you that my rattail-loving boyfriend is engaged to his clothing-optional girlfriend of almost a year, Jenny McCarthy. I know. Gross. But the truth is, if this is the kind of girl he’s into, then we just never had a chance. Apparently classy and smart isn’t really his type.

And, just like that, I’m over it.

The New Kid with his new fiancée

And since we’re on the topic of engagements of 80’s/90’s personalities, I feel it appropriate to mention that Joey Galdstone is also about to make an honest woman out of his longtime girlfriend, Melissa Bring. Actually, it’s Dave Coulier who’s making women honest, but, as a diehard Full House fan, he’ll always be funnyman Joey Gladstone to me – especially since he hasn’t, to my knowledge, worked at all much since the show wrapped in 1995. (Can you believe this show has been off the air for almost 20 years? How old do you feel right now?) And speaking of Full House, it’s expected that Dave’s upcoming nuptials will be somewhat of a show reunion. I’m talking heavy hitters like Uncle Jesse, Danny, D.J., Aunt Becky - all the big names - rumored to be there. Who else is hoping that when the officiant asks Dave if he takes Melissa to be his lawful wedded wife, blah, blah blah, he responds with, “You got it, dude!”?

Will these two soon have their own full house?

Whether or not any of these couples actually make it down the aisle remains to be seen, but considering that all three of these guys have been married before, it appears that they all subscribe to a similar theory: If at first you don’t succeed, get really famous – or, in fairness, way less famous – and try again.

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

Well, friends, in the interest of full disclosure, I think you should know that I’m getting dumber.

Most people, when they realize that their brains are atrophying, choose to strengthen them by learning a new language, reading a little Voltaire, perhaps picking up a book of Sudoku. But what did I do? I watched Fox’s I Wanna Marry Harry.

It didn’t help.  

Listen, if anyone can understand the desire to marry the Sweet Ginger Prince, it’s this girl, but COME ON. Is this for real? I really can’t tell.

I mean, I went into it knowing full well that it had to be a joke. These girls couldn’t possibly be dumb enough to seriously believe it was Harry. Sure, they were choosing to go on a reality show – on Fox, no less – but, still, no one’s that stupid, right?

The unfortunate answer is, I’m not sure.

Perhaps these ladies should consider availing themselves of some Voltaire or Sudoku.

Separated at birth? You decide.

Let’s hope that the women on this show are readers of ATG – although, if they’re not, it would support my hypothesis that they’re not very smart – because I’m about to break down just a few of the reasons why this fellow couldn’t, under any circumstances, be my beloved Harry:

1)      In what universe does the SGP, the world’s most eligible bachelor, need a dating show to meet girls/find a girlfriend?

2)      In what universe would the Queen be okay with her future granddaughter-in-law being picked from a group of wannabe actresses on a reality dating show? Sure, she’s apparently relaxed her standards a little considering that Duchass Kate somehow weaseled her way into the Firm, but I have to imagine that sex on TV is still a no-no.

3)      In what universe does this guy look anything like Prince Harry? I understand that not everyone is as big a connoisseur of Harry’s face as I am, but still. Aside from both having red hair and the whole British thing, these two are nothing alike. In fact, I’d be more inclined to believe that this chap was the other brother, William (except for the fact that his hair is red – and he has a lot of it).

This is the one that many consider to be the frontrunner. And this isn't even her ugliest face. Yep, I think that pretty much sums up this show.

I’m not saying that these aren’t the types of girls that Harry typically dates. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised at all if dumb, falsely superior, and generically pretty is very much his type. But I find it very hard to believe that Harry – an integral member of a family that seems to value privacy and decorum almost above all else – would be stupid enough to allow the world a bird’s eye view of his poor decision making. And even if he showed impaired judgment on this one, I’m fairly certain that his handlers/grandmum would never, ever, ever, under any circumstances, ever allow it to happen.

For all these reasons, this ruse just isn’t one that I can ever imagine myself falling for, which means that, even with my partially atrophied brain, I’m still apparently too intelligent to “marry Harry.”