Saturday, August 20, 2016

Oh Say Can You See...
All These Gold Medals?

July 1996. I remember it like it was yesterday (which is weird since I’m pretty sure I was only two in 1996). I was obsessed with the Olympics that year – or, more specifically, women’s gymnastics. The Magnificent Seven was everything I wanted to be: Polished. Successful. Respected. Toned. They were perfection. From Shannon Miller killing it on the uneven bars, to Dominique Moceanu’s flawless floor routine, to Dominique Dawes (my favorite) nailing it on balance beam, these girls were on fire.

The Magnificent Seven back in the day. Y'all, this was 20 years ago.
How is that possible?!!

The Magnificent Seven today(ish)

They were in a position to win the United States's first team gold EVER in the HISTORY of women’s gymnastics. All they had to do was hand in a solid performance on vault. It was cake. They loved vault. They were strong on vault. The gold was all but theirs.

And then...this:



And this:



All of a sudden, the inevitable wasn’t looking so certain. Or evitable.

Especially after this:



In the blink of an eye – or crack of an ankle – the Americans’ victory was in serious jeopardy.

And then, just as it started to look like the gold was all but lost, Kerri Strug, fueled by pure adrenaline and fear of Bela Karolyi, did something amazing - and propelled her miniature self into America’s hearts and Olympic history in the process.



Yes, my friends, Kerri Strug nailed her second vault. Nailed it. And then remembered to salute the judges. All on essentially one leg, as her other leg was seriously injured. In that one second, she made Olympic history and insured that the American women would take home their first gymnastics team gold. As it turns out, the Americans didn’t even need Kerri's score in order to win, but that doesn’t make her performance any less incredible. In that moment, she embodied all that is the Olympic spirit, nay the American spirit. We may disagree on politics, religion, and Taylor Swift’s talent level, but when it comes to the Olympics, we Americans are a united bunch.

It’s inspiring. And, even though I had absolutely nothing to do with any American victory, I feel like I have personally accomplished something great when an American medals. Probably because, as discussed above, we are all one, united in victory, which I'm pretty sure basically means we've all won those medals. Without even leaving the couch - or breaking a sweat. Unless you’re Aly Raisman’s parents.

And speaking of Aly Raisman, if it is possible to capture the magic of the Magnificent Seven, the 2016 women’s gymnastics team has certainly done it. They are America's Sweethearts: The Next Generation.

The 2016 U.S. Women's Gymnastics Team

I'd like to give a special shout-out to Aly, who has repeatedly played silver fiddle to her younger, newer teammates, but has shown nothing but class and dignity through it all. In fact, although it pains me to say it, the 2016 team may be even better than the 1996 team in some ways, specifically in their genuine support of each other. They seem to really like each other and revel in each other’s successes (except perhaps Gabby Douglas, who couldn’t even be bothered to give her teammates a standing ovation. The only way this is even remotely acceptable behavior is if her leg was literally broken, and even then, it's questionable. American gymnasts can do amazing things on broken limbs. See: Kerri Strug).

But, overall, the Americans have represented well in Rio. And the issues with Ryan Lochte et al cannot tarnish it (too much). I hate to pay too much attention to the stupidity that is Lochte, but I suppose it warrants a brief mention. When I first started penning this post, the story was still very much a he said/he said situation as to whether the swimmers or the police were telling the truth. Now, however, there’s video. And this video seems to indicate that Ryan Lochte is a big, fat, lying liar face, which is probably why he – and fellow swimmer Jimmy Feigen – were indicted for falsely reporting a crime.

However, yesterday morning, Feigen agreed to pay almost $11,000 in return for being allowed to leave the country. (The three other swimmers were already back in the U.S.) They call it a “donation” and Feigen’s attorney says the money will go to an “institution,” or “charity.” Apparently this is totally legal in Rio. I believe in the U.S., however, we call this something else, and it rhymes with mribery. Apparently one man’s blackmail is another man's donation.

The fibbing foursome

And that about sums it up. The Americans acted like idiots and then lied about it. The Brazilians overreacted and then engaged in what appears to be extortion. But all's well that ends well, I suppose. The Americans (one of whom is a fellow Longhorn; I've never been so proud) are back in the States, and the Brazilians are a little wealthier because of it. Everyone wins. Or loses, depending on your perspective. We could just leave it there - but that would be extraordinarily boring and so not ATG.

So on that note, here are my unsolicited, unfiltered, and probably uneducated opinions:
  1. Rio has been faced with a lot of really bad press during these Olympic Games. From inadequate and unsafe living quarters in the Olympic Village, to Zika, to putting the wrong chemical in the diving pool, to a number of Olympic athletes being robbed and assaulted in their fair city, Rio has a lot to overcome. It makes sense, then, that they would want to make an example out of these guys; make sure that the entire world knew that this most recent tale of woe was in fact entirely fabricated, and that Rio is actually entirely safe not quite as terrifying as we originally thought.
  2. If I were one of the three less-famous swimmers who were detained in Brazil after Ryan Lochte’s escape to the States, I’d have been pissed. Especially because it was his interview with Billy Bush that set this whole thing in motion. You didn't seen any of the other swimmers talking to the press about it. It was just Lochte. Being Lochte. And, as is generally the case, the ringleader got off scot-free and escaped without punishment. Life is so unfair. On the other hand, perhaps I’m being too hard on Lochte. It's probably because I don’t like him. At all. In fact, if I thought he was capable of concocting any plan more complex than eating breakfast or scratching himself, I might think he had facilitated this entire thing. Which leads me to -
  3. Ryan Lochte is an idiot. Like, a total moron. And could a total moron really weave such a tangled web? Especially when all of his brain cells are so busy trying to remember not to breathe under water? Apparently he could. But, not so surprisingly, this moron also apparently overestimated his brilliance and scheming abilities, which is why he was so quickly caught in his big fat lie. Next time, Ryan, leave the thinking to those of us who don’t have chlorine-soaked brains or look like ‘roided up Smurfs.
Regardless, it’s really too bad that in an Olympic Games full of wonderful, inspiring stories, this is the story getting most of the press.

But, because I hate to end on such a negative note, I leave you with this gem. It is sure to bring a smile to your face and a song to your heart.

Unless you’re from the Philippines.*



*Please note how proud they both appear to be of their performances – and I use the term “performance” loosely. I didn’t even know a score of 0 was possible. But I will give them an A for Effort.