Pigskin-Playing Doppelgängers

Well, folks, ‘tis the season for giving thanks. And, although the last crumb of pumpkin pie has long-since been eaten and the hand-traced, construction-paper turkeys put away, it still seems an appropriate time to give thanks for all that we have. This was especially true on Thanksgiving Day when, as I found myself surrounded by delicious food and a loving family, I realized what I’m truly thankful for: football.

Yes, friends, Thanksgiving offers some fantastic football-watching opportunities, especially this year, as we were fortunate enough to see my Champion Cheeseheads go 11-0 on the season. But, in between cheering for touchdowns and screaming at the refs’ bad calls, it struck me how familiar some of the players looked - and not just because I’m an obsessed fan who Googles said players at all hours of the day and night, but because their manly mugs were reminiscent of other famous faces.

Admittedly, this blog post probably won’t appeal to all of ATG’s million(ish) fans, but to those of you who love the pigskin like I do, you’re welcome. And for those of you who don’t, with the playoffs fast approaching, this may be a good opportunity to brush up on enough football trivia to do a little name-dropping here and there. However, football fan or not, prepare yourself for the visual feast you’re about to encounter.

(But, please remember, like all feasts, some items won’t be quite as tasty as others.)

So put on your stretchy pants and get ready to chow down. Hope you’re hungry…

Ryan Gosling vs. Alex Smith

Gosling (L) and Smith (R)

We might as well start our feast with a dish guaranteed to please just about everyone’s palate. If Ryan Gosling ever decided to quit his acting and saving-the-world jobs, and try his hand at American football, he’d be Alex Smith. Smith spends his days quarterbacking the San Francisco 49ers and, until this season, was embarrassingly bad at it. But they must’ve added some Ovaltine to the San Francisco Bay in the offseason, because suddenly he seems quite capable of playing football and has led his team to a 9-2 season so far. Not too bad for a pretty boy.

Tracy Morgan vs. Marshall Faulk

Morgan (L) and Faulk (R)

Viewers of the NFL Network know that former St. Louis Rams running back Marshall Faulk, a commentator for the network, isn’t funny. At all. And fans of comedian Tracy Morgan, star of 30 Rock and SNL, know that the only running he appears to do is to the fridge at halftime. However, despite these notable differences, these two share an undeniable resemblance. I’m just waiting for Marshall to end one of his NFL segments with these five immortal words: “I’m gonna get you pregnant.” 

Faizon Love vs. Warren Sapp

Love (L) and Sapp (R)

If you’ve ever seen Couples Retreat, the Christmas classic, Elf, or, ironically, the football flick, The Replacements, you’re probably familiar with actor Faizon Love. He’s racked up quite an impressive resume on-screen, while his brother from another mother, former Tampa Bay Buccaneer Warren Sapp, has racked up an equally impressive resume on the field (including a reputation for being a dirty player). Unfortunately, Sapp and the ironically named Love also appear to share the same anger issues, as they both have rap sheets containing domestic abuse charges. Must run in the family.

Jordy Nelson vs. Deion Sanders

Nelson (L) and Sanders (R)

Stick with me on this one. Despite their slight difference in skin pigmentation, these two actually look fairly similar. They have the same-shaped head -- covered in little to no hair -- and similar, prominently displayed ears. And, although Sanders -- a former Dallas Cowboy -- was a defensive player and Nelson -- a current Green Bay Packer -- is an offensive player, they’ll both go down in football history as being fierce on the field, which just goes to show that Michael Jackson was right; it don’t matter if you’re black or white.

Beast Doll vs. Clay Matthews

The Beast (L) and Matthews (R)

If you’ve ever watched Green Bay Packer linebacker Clay Matthews play football you know that he can be a little beastly. So it stands to reason that his look-alike would be the Beast doll from Beauty and the Beast. They’re both large and intimidating; they both have the same chiseled jaw; and they both have long, flowing locks. But we Packer fans are hopeful that the similarities won’t stop there; for, you see, at the end of the movie, the Beast got the girl and, with any luck, at the end of the season, Clay will get his second Super Bowl ring. Go, Pack! Go!

So there you have it: a feast full of football doppelgängers. Now, who's ready for dessert?

You Must Have Been a Beautiful Baby

Today marks the birth of ATG’s most fantastic, most beautiful, most creative, most witty, and without a doubt, most shoe-fabulous contributor. And, although the spectacular FP puts all of her fellow birth celebrators to shame with her magnificence, it’s become a tradition here at ATG (and by tradition, I mean this is the second time we’ve done it) to highlight some other, albeit slightly less fabulous, birthday-sharing folks. So, without further ado, I give you noteworthy November 6 births:

Emma Stone

Born 11/6/88 in Scottsdale, Arizona

Endearing Emma

Remember Emma Stone when she was that adorably awkward girl in House Bunny? She was sweet and funny and the kind of girl you wanted to be friends with. Unfortunately she recently pulled a Lindsay Lohan; meaning, she went from a normal-sized redhead to a Hollywood-sized (i.e. borderline eating-disorder skinny) blonde. (She’s allegedly a blonde in real life, but, really, aren’t there enough of those in Hollywood already?) She did manage, however, to snag a plumb role in The Help and the eye of Jim Carrey and, really, at the end of the day, what else can a girl ask for?

Ethan Hawke

Born 11/6/70 in Austin, Texas

Edgy Ethan

Remember Ethan Hawke in Reality Bites when he looked like he needed a good cleaning? Unlike Emma, Ethan hasn’t actually changed much. He still looks dirty and smelly – and apparently like Sugar Ray’s Mark McGrath. Along with looking unclean, he also oftentimes looks irritated, which after further consideration, makes a lot of sense. I mean, who wouldn’t hate the world when stuck in Uma Thurman’s Amazonian shadow? He remedied this situation, however, by cheating on Thurman with their kids’ nanny (original and classy, I know), who he now finds himself married to. Not-so-surprisingly, though, he still looks royally pissed off most of the time. Maybe he’d have a more positive outlook on life if he’d just take a damn shower.

Maria Shriver

Born 11/6/55 in Chicago, Illinois

Memorable Maria

She’s a Kennedy. She was married to the Governator (until she found out that he was really the Cheaternator and FatherIllegitimateChildrenernator). And she has a jawline that could cut glass. ‘Nuff said.

Sally Field

Born 11/6/46 in Pasadena, California

Successful Sally

Unarguably the most decorated performer on our list (at least until the fabulous FP gets her accolades on), Ms. Fields has made a career as the adorable girl-next-door. She was a contestant on The Dating Game twice; she survived a plane crash, when her private plane lost power on take-off (which, sidebar, is why I keep a pack of AA batteries on my private plane); and she’s never lost an Oscar she’s been nominated for, which just goes to prove that the Academy likes her. They really, really like her. (Someone had to say it.)

And today we celebrate the best November 6er of all, FP. She’s got the talent of Sally, the likeability of Emma, the business sense of Maria, and, seeing as how she’s well-groomed and nice-smelling, very little of Ethan.

Here’s to you, FP!

And next year, we celebrate in a British castle. Or palace. Maybe this one?

ATG's future home, Buckingham Palace

Who's Your Daddy?

Remember 2007? It was a great year. Britney entered her drug-induced normalcy; Juno and Enchanted were killing it at the box office; and, most importantly, we had yet to be subjected to the auditory and visual terrorism that is Justin Bieber. It’s hard to imagine a time when Bieber Fever wasn’t infiltrating every media outlet, and causing girls to wet their Disney Princess Pull-Ups, but it’s true.  

The Bieb

And now, the androgynous youth, who barely looks old enough to have had his own graduation to the big-boy potty, has fathered a child. Allegedly.

In the Bieb’s defense, apparently (at least according to TMZ) the baby’s mama originally accused her ex-boyfriend of fathering the same child, but then conveniently remembered that it was probably Justin Bieber. I’m just spit-balling here, but doesn’t it make sense that – if this was a legitimate accusation – Bieber would’ve gotten the first “Guess who’s having a baby!” phone call and not the second?

Does this look like the face of a criminal mastermind?

Of course, this accusation has been vehemently denied by the little guy and his people, but, in all honesty, I don’t even really care. I don’t really care if this girl agrees to the paternity test that JB’s camp is loudly requesting. I don’t really care if she broke any of California’s statutory-rape laws. I don’t even really care if he ends up being the dad (although I feel terrible for the poor baby who’s the innocent victim in this mess). I just want to know how one goes about concocting a credible “He’s my baby daddy” story.  

Who do you call? How do you ensure that word spreads so far and wide that you make national news? I assume it’s like starting any rumor or fad or use of a slang word, but how in the heck do you get the publicity to take a rumor like this to the ultimate level?

I’d like to know. Seriously. I mean, I’ve been saying that Prince Harry is my baby daddy for years (and, really, can’t we all agree that if anyone was going to father loads of illegitimate children, it would be him?), but no one believes me. Not one person. There’s been no call from Ryan Seacrest’s radio show. No Dateline interview. No TMZ photographer following me around.

Of course, perhaps no one believes me because there’s never been an actual baby.

So, although I still have no idea how to make myself a trending topic on Yahoo!, I do think we’ve learned at least one important lesson today: Next time you accuse someone of fathering your child – celebrity or otherwise – make sure the child in question actually exists.

And they said ATG wasn’t an educational tool.