Hands in the Cookie Jar

Sometimes I’m really glad I don’t live in Colorado. Don't get me wrong, Colorado has some fantastic attributes: air that is fresh (and sometimes pot-filled), views that are breathtaking, and, periodically, a really great football team. It could be heaven. It can also be hell: an Oreo-free hell. (Is there any other kind?)

First, you must know that the ATG girls love us some Oreos. In fact, this decades-long friendship was essentially born over Oreo scarfing and Jenny Jones watching. I don’t eat these delicious treats much anymore, but I will always have fond feelings towards them (especially ones straight out of the freezer…A-MAZING).

But you know who apparently doesn’t have fond feelings towards Oreos? Coloradoans. Or, more specifically, the administrators at Children’s Academy in Aurora, CO. They recently sent one of their 4-year-old students home with a baggie of uneaten Oreos and a note that went a little something like this:

Dear Parents, it is very important that all students have a nutritious lunch. This is a public school setting and all children are required to have a fruit, a vegetable, and a healthy snack from home, along with milk. If they have potatoes, the child will also need bread to go along with it. Lunchables, chips, fruit snacks, and peanut butter are not considered to be a healthy snack. This is a very important part of our program and we need everyone's participation.

So, to recap, every child at this uber healthy (and superior-feeling) public school is required to bring a fruit, veggie and milk. Required. What if they’re lactose intolerant? Is this school getting kickbacks from Borden? And how about the Lunchables thing? Is it only Lunchables that are prohibited or can children not have any kind of sandwich meat/processed cheese? And then there’s the bit about “If they have potatoes, the child will also need bread to go along with it.” Since when is a lunch of bread and potatoes healthy? It sounds like carbo loading to me. And in case you were unaware, carbs are the devil. They will kill you. Slowly. Much like watching anything on the E! network will.

Listen, it’s one thing for schools to not provide junk food for their students. In fact, a lot of schools are hopping on the healthy-eating bandwagon, either by choice or by force. That’s fine. If they want to fill their vending machines with tofu and seltzer water, great. Beautiful. That’s their business. But to flat-out tell parents what they can and cannot feed their children for lunch?! Does that not take micromanaging to a whole new level? (And believe me, if anyone knows micromanaging it’s me. So me.) The phrase “mind your business” comes to mind.

I have two thoughts on this. First, doesn’t human behavior dictate that when you make something totally illegal, totally impermissible and totally verboten, you also make it totally appealing? This school is pretty much guaranteeing that all of its students will be 400 pounds by high school graduation.

And two, in a world where children aren’t even safe at school – from violence, abuse or bullying – aren’t there more important conversations we should be having? Is a delicious crème-filled chocolate cookie really the problem? I'm leaning towards no.

And on that note, I’m off to buy a package of Double Stuf Oreos. We as Americans must stand united on this; we must make our voices heard.

So I will overindulge on Oreos, not because I want to, but because, as a true patriot, it is my duty.

I’m sure I won’t enjoy a single bite.