Think Pink

Well, it happened. Again. It was inevitable I suppose. What goes in must come out.

And so it was with great fanfare that the world was introduced to Kate Middleton's only latest achievement: Baby Girl Cambridge.

I get it. This is a very big deal. I totally understand why people were camped out outside the hospital for weeks leading up to the birth. It makes total sense. They were simply hoping to catch a glimpse of what few have ever witnessed: The Deficient Duchess actually doing something, i.e. performing one of her royal duties. Over the years, people have come to believe that a working duchess, much like Bigfoot or Nessie, is a mythical creature.

And this is precisely why any actual effort, any work, on the part of the do-nothing duchess is honored with a national holiday and 21-gun salute. 

Her work is so hard. I don't envy her a bit.

Not long after the official announcement of the royal family's latest addition, came the official photo op. This child was not even 12 hours old and was already starring in her first photo shoot. Fans across the globe and unrestricted access to the SGP? What a life.

People were practically wetting themselves at the thought of seeing this as-yet unnamed princess. Obviously I, too, was giddy with excitement. What kind of incredible creature would the two most perfect beings in the history of the world create? I must admit, I was slightly disappointed. She looked a bit, well, normal. She wasn't radiating gold rays or levitating or anything.

In fact, the fourth in line to the throne looks pretty much like any other baby, which I guess isn't entirely shocking. In my experience, all newborns basically look alike. They all essentially look like Alfred Hitchcock – minus the tie. That said, it didn't take the sycophants long to start comparing the newest princess to Queen Elizabeth, which makes sense I suppose. No disrespect to Her Majesty, but, again, pretty much all newborn babies look like old people – specifically old men (see: Alfred Hitchcock).

A Little Princess or the Master of Suspense? You decide.

While we're on the topic of looks, let's discuss Kate's appearance shall we? Everyone else is. “How does she do it?” seems to be a trending topic on Twitter. This, of course, refers to Kate's ability to look model-ready a mere 10 hours after giving birth. Look, I've said it before and I'll say it again: She doesn't do it. Her people do it. And she has a lot of people. Plus, she lives the most pampered life imaginable. Does she look good? Sure. But who wouldn't, given the same tools? Some may even look better. (I know that's blasphemous to say, but sometimes the truth is both hurtful and sacrilegious.) 

#HowDoesSheDoIt?

For the record, could someone please explain the blind adoration people have for this woman? That's not a rhetorical question. I would really like to know. I mean, obviously she's superior to every one of us in every single way, but still, she's only human. 

Here they are, looking perfect as usual.

Prince George made an appearance as well.

And to show, yet again, how common they really are, Kate and William Middleton have decided not to employ a second nanny to care for this second baby. They are of course being heralded for this down-to-earth decision, but it kind of makes sense. Who needs a nanny when you have a Meddling Ma Middleton? Rumor has it that she and Kate's dad have already made themselves more than comfortable in the humble accommodations at Anmer Hall, the quaint dwelling that Kate will also soon be occupying.

Because the Meddletons' move could potentially be seen by hateful cynics such as myself as yet more pushiness by Calculating Carole, it was quickly spun as an entirely altruistic move on Carole's part. She was just stepping in, you see, out of the goodness of her beautiful heart, to act as royal housekeeper after the mansion's former caretakers made a speedy exit. (Obviously Kate can't be expected to take care of the house and the babies; she only has one nanny after all.) Not-so-surprisingly, the “spin” wasn't entirely accurate; the role Carole has truly taken on is more that of house manager. This means she gets to boss the rest of the staff around while simultaneously acting superior, two things that I'm fairly certain she has plenty of practice at. But honestly would you expect anything less? Obviously the future king's grandmum isn't going to spend her days washing dishes and scrubbing floors.

Those of you who are worried that Ma Meddleton may be overexerting herself, fear not. The Cambridges are doing everything in their power to find replacement staff in order to relieve Lady Middleton of her pressure-filled “duties.” They have even gone so far as to place an ad in the classifieds of The Lady, an upscale English magazine. If you're interested in applying and are curious about what your duties would be, here's a little taste:

Main duties will include: cleaning all areas of the house to a high standard; caring for and maintaining the home owners' clothing; cleaning silverware and glassware; purchasing groceries and general provisions for the house; and dealing with deliveries.  On occasions, the role will also involve the preparation of meals, assisting with childcare and caring for dogs. 

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't these all things that Kate has been praised for doing herself, because she's so “real” and “down-to-earth”? And if Kate's already handling all of it, then this housekeeping job is quite possibly the easiest job IN THE WORLD (second only to being the Duchess of Cambridge). Maybe I'll apply for it myself. ATG infiltrating the royal family? Imagine the possibilities!

And on that note, I'm off to update my CV.

And to learn how to cook.

Just in case.