Fleetwood Mac’s Not the Only One Who Loves a Good Rumo(u)r

It’s official. The UnreMarkleable Duchess, i.e., Meghan Markle, is not getting the Kate Middleton treatment in the press. Let me explain. Before Katemazing became the Deficient Duchess, neither the British press (nor I) thought she was all that impressive. Or amazing. In fact, it was the British media who, not-so-lovingly, bestowed the title Waity Katie upon her. Yes, those lucky few who actually get paid for their judgment-filled musings wrote endlessly about Kate’s penchant for waiting for – and on – her boyfriend, Prince Baldylocks of Middleton, i.e., Prince William, who, it turns out, may not have actually been that nice to her back in the day (according to a new royal biography). The privileged press would pontificate on a near-daily basis about the spoiled, commitment-phobic prince and his doormat girlfriend, she who was willing to wait for years and years for him to decide if she in fact possessed the “it” he wanted to put a ring on.

In case it’s not yet clear, Waity was not heralded as an incredible role model for young women; in fact, it was quite the opposite. She was not labeled as effortlessly enchanting and regal. See the multitude of Kate Middleton upskirt photos for proof of this. And, she was not, my friends, celebrated for being the monarchy’s savior. No, she was shaded again and again – and again – for her work-shy ways (yes, even then she was known for being lazy) and for desperately clinging to William’s coattails as he continuously tried to get away from her. Obviously, he eventually decided it was time to get married – he needed to produce an heir after all – and, I assume, married the most convenient option (who, to be fair, he probably also loved a little as well), especially since the other girl(s) he was (allegedly) interested in had no desire to deal with the nonsense that is royal life.

Here she is. Chasing her man as he desperately tries to get away from her. I mean, look at the pained expression on his face. 

(Yes, I know this particular run was all in good fun, but I wanted to give you a visual of what was going on [according to me] during their [almost] decade-long courtship.)

But that was then. The minute Waity Katie became the Deficient Duchess Duchess of Cambridge, the media stopped dropping its truth bombs and instead did a complete 180°, bipolar swing, becoming the hypocritical sycophants we see today. For today, my friends, the Deficient Duchess can’t put a foot wrong. I mean, even I can agree that she’s improving with age, but to hear (and by “hear,” I mean “read”) the press tell it, she’s absolute perfection. Everything she does is perfect. Everything she wears is perfect. Everything she says is perfect. She. Is. Perfect.

Yuck.

But you know who apparently isn’t perfect? Meghan Markle. She wasn’t perfect before the wedding and she’s definitely not perfect now. While Kate can’t do anything wrong, apparently Meghan can’t do anything right. First, she’s American. Also, she’s divorced. And her family? Yikes. Stories about their complete and total dysfunction began making the rounds during MM’s courtship of Archie’s father and have continued to play out in the headlines on a fairly regular basis since then. Yes, friends, it didn’t seem possible, but apparently there are two other people on earth who crave the spotlight as much as the fame-hungry duchess: her dad and her (wicked?) stepsister. Apparently a desperate need for attention runs in the family. But, unfortunately for them – and despite their best efforts – Meghan’s kin just wasn’t interesting enough to carry a storyline for that long. So, as a matter of self-preservation, these diabolical geniuses, i.e., the media, needed to come up with something else, something better. So, they did. And, boy, was it juicy.

Not long after Meghan weaseled her fairly small self into the inner circle of the royal family, stories started leaking from “persons in the know” that there was an epic feud brewing between the duchesses. After that, it only took about another 5.6 seconds for the rumor to erupt into an even more salacious tale of a full-on Hatfield and McCoy situation for the Cambridges and Sussexes. Yes, my friends, apparently all is not diamonds and rosé in the Palace of Kensington. The brothers, it seems, are now feuding as well. And this is all, according to the papers, a direct result of Meghan being a raging bitch. She has (allegedly) destroyed the royal family as we know it. After all, don’t forget that Katemazing is perfect, and since she’s perfect, any disharmony that surrounds her can’t, under any circumstances, be her fault. No, it has to be the other party’s – in this case, Meghan’s – fault. So, when the story broke that Meghan had (allegedly) made the future Queen of England cry at Princess Charlotte’s pre-wedding dress fitting, it simply reinforced what the world already knew: Kate is an angel and Meghan is a monster. (I mean, it can’t just be a coincidence that both words start with M, right?) 

Princess Charlotte sporting the offending dress while her mother smiles through her pain.

This unfortunate (alleged) incident would not, however, be the last time the deviant duchess would (allegedly) make her sister-in-law cry. It happened again when the Cambridges selflessly, out of the goodness of their love-filled hearts, stopped by to meet baby Archie, the newest addition to the Sussex line (who may or may not get his own ATG post at some point...maybe when he does something interesting...so, in like 12 years). A beautiful moment between families, right? Well, it would have been – except for the fact that the mean-girl duchess wouldn’t let Duchess CriesALot, a mother of three, by the way, hold her baby. Because she might do it wrong. Okay, so I made that last part up, but, as you might imagine, MM is rumored to be very controlling and, really, what other reason could there be – unless she truly is just a raging bitch? Anyway, the point is, Kate wanted to hold the baby, Meghan said no, Kate left in tears and Harry called later to apologize. Tears, anger, hurt feelings, and hasty exits. Am I wrong, or does this just sound like a typical family gathering? No? Just me?

The Hatfields and McCoys

In my completely uninformed opinion, this photo pretty much sums up how the duchesses are approaching this (alleged) feud: Kate is gutted by it (she's looking rather haggard) and Meghan is loving every minute of it. Notice how, yet again, she's the only one smiling...

Anyway, whether Kate is an angel, Meghan is a monster, and/or the sisters-in-law (and their husbands) are engaged in an epic feud is anyone’s guess, but those who believed the rumors felt even more vindicated when Harry and Meghan chose to leave Kensington Palace, where, not for nothing, the Cambridges also live, in favor of a galaxy far, far away…from Will and Kate. Now, listen, I get it. The newlyweds wanted their own space. I would want the SGP all to myself also. There are plenty of reasons the newly minted twosome would want to have their own place, many of which have absolutely nothing to do with hating the in-laws.

You'd never know that they actually all hate each other.

Yes, had this been an isolated event, it probably wouldn’t have been enough to garner my attention or an ATG blog post (total lie). But then a spokesman for Kensington Palace – commenting on a story that claimed Kate, defender of all that is good and right in the world, had put Meghan in her place after the diva duchess mistreated a member of Katemazing’s staff – said, “that never happened.” And because royal mouthpieces basically never comment on any rumor ever, this statement pretty much confirmed the exact opposite of what it was meant to imply: Kate and Meghan hate each other. Possibly because Meghan is trying to steal Kate’s identity. 

Here they are, trying really hard to convince us they're friends.

Like, really hard

So hard

Sorry, ladies. You can fool some of the people some of the time, but you can't fool ATG ever. 

So. Awkward.

But the salaciousness doesn’t stop there. Oh no, there’s more. So much more.

Even before the second most important wedding of all-time took place last May, there were rumors that Meghan was, well, difficult – and that her problem-child ways were rubbing off on her until-now very amiable betrothed. There were plenty of stories about her bridezilla behavior, about how she was making the lives of the royal staff absolutely miserable. But, I mean, honestly, who hasn’t encountered a bridezilla or two? It happens. I can imagine that planning a wedding is incredibly stressful – and when you know your wedding is going to be watched by millions, on repeat, for generations to come, I imagine it can make one go a little bit insane. So it was kind of understandable that Meghan and her husband were, allegedly, a little short-tempered and irritable leading up to their big day (although I’m sure Kate would never have been short-tempered and irritable because she’s, say it with me, perfect). What wasn’t so understandable, however, was the SGP’s need to verbally assault the staff at high decibels with gems like “What Meghan wants, she gets!” This, I can imagine, does little to endear either you or your gingersnap husband to a group of people who, let’s be honest, make sure your life runs smoothly. Also, just as an aside, when your husband’s grandmother is the Queen of England, both you and he can scream all you want, but ultimately the Queen of England gets the final say. This is why, despite the above-mentioned temper tantrum, Meghan was not able to wear her first-choice tiara to her wedding. I think it had something to do with some royal tradition, I can’t really remember, but boy did Meghan get the last laugh on that one. She hasn’t followed one single royal tradition since then. Maybe you should’ve just let her wear the stupid thing, Lizzie. Meghan is apparently not an enemy one wants to make. Because she’s a monster. Allegedly.  

Anyway, I should mention again (for my legal protection) that, for the most part, these are all rumors – hearsay, if you will. And even worse than most hearsay, this information comes from anonymous sources who decline to be named, which makes it just as likely that the person who claims to simply be reporting the information is, in fact, making it all up. That said, I do tend to believe there’s a level of truth in most rumors – especially when I’ve already decided that I don’t like the person at the center of it – but, since there’s no video, or even a court-certified transcript, of the above-referenced shouting incident, I can’t say for sure whether it happened. What I can confirm, however, is that a lot of the royal staff has quit since Meghan joined the Firm, which leads one to wonder if, perhaps, at least some of these less-than-flattering stories are true. I mean, either there’s a full-on campaign, being perpetrated by multitudes of people who are exerting a heck of a lot of time and energy, to smear a completely innocent duchess…or she’s a horrible person. As with most things, the truth is probably somewhere in the middle. But ATG doesn’t ride the fence. We take a side. Even if it’s the wrong side (which it never is). So, read on if you dare, as we lay out the evidence for the Case of the Diabolical Duchess.

She's not laughing with you. She's totally laughing at you.

Let’s begin with the fact that the Sussexes are hemorrhaging staff. It started with MM’s personal assistant, who hastily departed a mere six months after she started. Then came the resignation of two – count ‘em 1, 2 – private secretaries in less than a year. These abrupt departures obviously led to raised eyebrows among some of us more judgmental folks. I mean, who quits a job less than a year after starting? Okay, I did. But in my defense, that was a totally different situation: it was a terrible, awful, dead-end, soul-sucking job and, more importantly, I never, ever, under any circumstances, got to interact with the SGP. Anyway, in the wake of these surprising exits – those which caused many of us to wonder what in the heck was going on behind the palace’s gilded doors – the duchess’s defenders quickly ran to her, what else, defense. They noted that, for at least one of the secretaries, the position was always meant to be temporary, that she had agreed to stay on for a previously agreed-upon amount of time and that that time was now up. Okay, sure. I couldn’t be bothered to research whether that was true or not because, well, I don’t care, but let’s just say it is. That would explain one of the eyebrow-raising departures. But what about the others? In addition to the three employees noted above, it has been reported that since marrying, the Sussexes have also lost their senior communications secretary; Harry’s private secretary and “right-hand man”; and, most recently, their nanny.

She may not let the nanny - or Duchess CriesALot - hold baby Archie, 

but sometimes she lets his dad hold him. 

I mean, guys, can we not all agree that a position within the royal household is a coveted job? You may not want it for yourself, but a lot of people do, which is why it takes connections and tenaciousness and, probably, a little luck to get one. There may even be a casting-couch situation involved. I don’t know. The point is, wouldn’t you imagine that, after all that effort, once you have acquired said job, you don’t let it go easily? Let’s all answer together: YES! Does it not seem odd, then, that the UnreMarkleable Duchess and her firecracker husband have such trouble hanging on to their staff? In the beginning, Meghan’s revolving door of aides was chalked up to her American work ethic (whatever the hell that is – apparently I, an American, don’t have it), meaning she awoke at the butt-crack of dawn to begin working, and she expected her staff to do the same. According to these stories, Brits just aren’t that used to working hard. Ha. Tell that to Her Majesty who, at 93, is still one of the hardest-working broads I know (and by “know,” I mean I’ve never met her). Perhaps this obvious inconsistency with reality is why stories of Meghan’s problematic penchant for hard work were quickly replaced with ones noting instead that it was her American brashness that was the problem. That’s a little easier to believe. Some Americans totally suck. But please don’t paint all Americans with such a broad brush. I’m not a monster. My name doesn’t even start with M.**

Here they are, contemplating the best ways to make their employees' lives miserable.

And then, this week, as if to add insult to absolute injury (except she still gets to be married to the SGP, so, really, who is the injured party here?), there came yet another story. This time the focus was on how much all of Harry’s friends hated his new wife. Not because she’s an overall rotten human being, but because she’s freezing them out. Yes, it seems that not only has Harry dropped his follicly challenged brother, but also all some of his friends. Again, people were quick to point out that, even if it were true that Harry had dumped his friends – which we obviously can’t say for sure – perhaps, this time, it wasn’t actually Meghan’s fault. Maybe the SGP’s just not interested in participating in bachelor behavior anymore, since, you know, he’s not a bachelor. I think most wives would support their husbands no longer spending time with fellas who are living their best single life. Perhaps, Meghan’s supporters argued, Harry is simply choosing more grownup activities, while simultaneously focusing on the things that really matter, like his new family. That’s sweet. I don’t think it’s true. But it’s sweet. I’d venture a guess that even if deleting his friends (and perhaps his brother) from his life was the SGP’s “choice,” it was at the demand request of his wife. And, again, I don’t necessarily blame her. But I also can’t imagine that it’s a great sign when your new wife asks you to disassociate from your friends and family. In fact, it sounds a little cultish to me. It also makes me wonder why she married him if she wants to change everything about him. Gives some credence to the rumors that she was simply looking for a (royal) Englishman.

Then again, maybe I’m being too hard on these two. Maybe this really was entirely his choice. Or, perhaps his wife did play a role, but only by pointing out that his current friend choices were leading to some questionable behavior (naked romps in Vegas, anyone?), and asking if that was really who he wanted to surround himself with, really the person he wanted to be. It’s like when your mom asks if you’re really going to wear that outfit out of the house. It’s a question. But it’s not. Or, heck, maybe all of the theories are true; they’re not exactly mutually exclusive thoughts. Maybe she hates his friends because they’re bad influences and so she asked him to reconsider who he spends his time with (because he should be spending all his time fully entrenched in the Cult de Markle. Sorry. I’ll stop. Maybe), and because he loves his wife and baby, he has chosen to honor her demand request by surrounding himself with people who encourage him to stay clothed. (I hate these people, BTW.) But on the heels of all the other stories of Meghan’s overbearing, unkind, monster-like ways, it’s not so hard to believe she’s the “mastermind” behind all of these changes to the royals and their family. I mean, it’s not really so hard to imagine that when the UnreMarkleable Duchess says jump, the SGP is happy to comply, while simultaneously screaming (as if to remind himself), “What Meghan wants, Meghan gets! What Meghan wants, Meghan gets! What Meghan wants…”

Ah, to be young – and in a serious amount of trouble love.

---

** That said, my amazing ATG partner in crime’s name does in fact start with an M and she is by no means a monster, so maybe the alliteration thing only works sometimes

Charlie and the Royal Baby Factory

Are you royal family-ed out yet? Boy, I am. So much so, in fact, that I actually hate myself for this post. I really do. There has already been way too much royal family coverage; but, unfortunately, before we can finally move on to a new chapter of this overpublicized “fairytale,” there’s one last issue left to discuss: The name bestowed upon the daughter of the two most perfect people in the world.

You’ve probably already heard the exciting news, but it’s just so thrilling that it bears repeating. Baby Girl Cambridge will now and forevermore be known as Charlotte Elizabeth Diana or, if you’re feeling formal, Her Royal Highness Princess Charlotte of Cambridge. 

Little person. Big name.

Apparently Charlotte wasn’t really a surprising choice for those in the know. Some say she’s named for William’s dad, Charles, but I’m not sure. “Inside sources” are reporting that Prince Charles is being blocked from seeing his grandson (and most likely now his granddaughter) by, you guessed it, Calculating Carole Meddleton. It is her goal, they say, to cut George’s father’s family, i.e. the royal family, out of his life. (And as you can imagine, Grandpa Chuck is none too happy about it.)

I don’t find this so hard to believe. William shirked the royal tradition of Christmas with the queen to spend Christmas with the Middletons. He also chose to go on vacation with his in-laws as opposed to a memorial service for the queen’s beloved mother and sister. In fact, Wills has repeatedly shown that he’s a Middleton and not a royal. Which is fine. He doesn’t want to take on royal duties? Great. He doesn’t want to spend time with the royal family? Fantastic. He doesn’t want to be photographed? No problem. Then he should take his normal family and retire to a normal house in the country that he, himself, pays for. Or just go live with the in-laws. Whatever. Just stop living off the public teat while simultaneously rejecting everything royal.

That will never happen, of course, because although William may not enjoy being a royal, Kate and her mom very much do. They obviously love the attention. Were Wills to abdicate, not only would he lose the claim to the throne, but probably also his wife and adopted family.

But back to the baby’s name.

Yes, Charlotte is the feminine form of Charles, but it is also the middle name of Kate’s equally as worthless sister, Pippa. I think it’s much more likely that this was the inspiration. Baby Charlotte is a Middleton after all.

As for the choices of Elizabeth and Diana, well, they’re fairly self-explanatory and not in the least bit surprising.

Also not surprising, but certainly creating a lot of chatter is Charlotte’s birth certificate – or, more specifically, the occupation listed for her parents. You ready for this? You might want to sit down. It’s almost too ridiculous and nauseating to repeat.

Her father’s job is listed as, wait for it, Prince of the United Kingdom and her mother’s? You guessed it: Princess of the United Kingdom. Since royal titles are apparently considered occupations, I would like my new job to be Princess of Awesome, Master of the Universe. I would also like to get paid – a lot – for being awesome. And a princess.

Who do I see about that?

And, not to sound like a broken record, but if you list something as your occupation, shouldn’t that mean that you actually have, and perform, job duties under that title? Isn’t that what a job is? His job is to be a prince, but he doesn’t do anything princely. Likewise with his wife. Well, except that whole superior-acting thing.

It occurred to me, after reading article after article about this do-nothing duo and their new baby (it’s tough, but I do it for you, ATG Nation), that royalty is a strange thing. These people have done absolutely nothing, not one thing, to earn their position. They live the most privileged lives imaginable, are worshiped across the universe, are considered role models to be emulated, and because of what? Because they were born? At least Kim Kardashian let someone pee on her. These folks have done absolutely nothing except manage to successfully navigate the birth canal.

If they’re attractive, they get a pass for being worthless (see: Kate Middleton) and are, in fact, lauded for being an asset to the royal family – a role model even. But God help them if they are even slightly less aesthetically appealing (see: Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie). Those girls can’t put a foot right in the eyes of the public. Even while they were in school, working on degrees (i.e. actually doing something), they were being criticized for their laziness.

One of these women is praised daily for her impeccable fashion sense; the other was absolutely massacred in the press for hers. Can you honestly tell from these photos which is which? They both appear to have satellite dishes attached to their heads.

Apparently, despite the Ted Bundys and Scott Petersons of the world, people still believe that being pretty on the outside equates to being pretty on the inside.

Listen, I get it. I too once subscribed to this theory.

Then again, I was five.

Think Pink

Well, it happened. Again. It was inevitable I suppose. What goes in must come out.

And so it was with great fanfare that the world was introduced to Kate Middleton's only latest achievement: Baby Girl Cambridge.

I get it. This is a very big deal. I totally understand why people were camped out outside the hospital for weeks leading up to the birth. It makes total sense. They were simply hoping to catch a glimpse of what few have ever witnessed: The Deficient Duchess actually doing something, i.e. performing one of her royal duties. Over the years, people have come to believe that a working duchess, much like Bigfoot or Nessie, is a mythical creature.

And this is precisely why any actual effort, any work, on the part of the do-nothing duchess is honored with a national holiday and 21-gun salute. 

Her work is so hard. I don't envy her a bit.

Not long after the official announcement of the royal family's latest addition, came the official photo op. This child was not even 12 hours old and was already starring in her first photo shoot. Fans across the globe and unrestricted access to the SGP? What a life.

People were practically wetting themselves at the thought of seeing this as-yet unnamed princess. Obviously I, too, was giddy with excitement. What kind of incredible creature would the two most perfect beings in the history of the world create? I must admit, I was slightly disappointed. She looked a bit, well, normal. She wasn't radiating gold rays or levitating or anything.

In fact, the fourth in line to the throne looks pretty much like any other baby, which I guess isn't entirely shocking. In my experience, all newborns basically look alike. They all essentially look like Alfred Hitchcock – minus the tie. That said, it didn't take the sycophants long to start comparing the newest princess to Queen Elizabeth, which makes sense I suppose. No disrespect to Her Majesty, but, again, pretty much all newborn babies look like old people – specifically old men (see: Alfred Hitchcock).

A Little Princess or the Master of Suspense? You decide.

While we're on the topic of looks, let's discuss Kate's appearance shall we? Everyone else is. “How does she do it?” seems to be a trending topic on Twitter. This, of course, refers to Kate's ability to look model-ready a mere 10 hours after giving birth. Look, I've said it before and I'll say it again: She doesn't do it. Her people do it. And she has a lot of people. Plus, she lives the most pampered life imaginable. Does she look good? Sure. But who wouldn't, given the same tools? Some may even look better. (I know that's blasphemous to say, but sometimes the truth is both hurtful and sacrilegious.) 

#HowDoesSheDoIt?

For the record, could someone please explain the blind adoration people have for this woman? That's not a rhetorical question. I would really like to know. I mean, obviously she's superior to every one of us in every single way, but still, she's only human. 

Here they are, looking perfect as usual.

Prince George made an appearance as well.

And to show, yet again, how common they really are, Kate and William Middleton have decided not to employ a second nanny to care for this second baby. They are of course being heralded for this down-to-earth decision, but it kind of makes sense. Who needs a nanny when you have a Meddling Ma Middleton? Rumor has it that she and Kate's dad have already made themselves more than comfortable in the humble accommodations at Anmer Hall, the quaint dwelling that Kate will also soon be occupying.

Because the Meddletons' move could potentially be seen by hateful cynics such as myself as yet more pushiness by Calculating Carole, it was quickly spun as an entirely altruistic move on Carole's part. She was just stepping in, you see, out of the goodness of her beautiful heart, to act as royal housekeeper after the mansion's former caretakers made a speedy exit. (Obviously Kate can't be expected to take care of the house and the babies; she only has one nanny after all.) Not-so-surprisingly, the “spin” wasn't entirely accurate; the role Carole has truly taken on is more that of house manager. This means she gets to boss the rest of the staff around while simultaneously acting superior, two things that I'm fairly certain she has plenty of practice at. But honestly would you expect anything less? Obviously the future king's grandmum isn't going to spend her days washing dishes and scrubbing floors.

Those of you who are worried that Ma Meddleton may be overexerting herself, fear not. The Cambridges are doing everything in their power to find replacement staff in order to relieve Lady Middleton of her pressure-filled “duties.” They have even gone so far as to place an ad in the classifieds of The Lady, an upscale English magazine. If you're interested in applying and are curious about what your duties would be, here's a little taste:

Main duties will include: cleaning all areas of the house to a high standard; caring for and maintaining the home owners' clothing; cleaning silverware and glassware; purchasing groceries and general provisions for the house; and dealing with deliveries.  On occasions, the role will also involve the preparation of meals, assisting with childcare and caring for dogs. 

 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't these all things that Kate has been praised for doing herself, because she's so “real” and “down-to-earth”? And if Kate's already handling all of it, then this housekeeping job is quite possibly the easiest job IN THE WORLD (second only to being the Duchess of Cambridge). Maybe I'll apply for it myself. ATG infiltrating the royal family? Imagine the possibilities!

And on that note, I'm off to update my CV.

And to learn how to cook.

Just in case.

Open My Eyes…It Was Only Just a Dream

I had a dream.

And unlike Martin Luther King, Jr.’s dream, not a single soul benefitted from it besides me.

Yes, friends, I had a dream that I was dating the Sweet Ginger Prince.

I’ll pause for a second while you let that wash over you.

I’m sure you would like details. Unfortunately, they’re a bit murky. What I know beyond a shadow of a doubt, however, is that it was glorious. In case you’re wondering, the SGP and I make a great-looking couple; and I say that with complete sincerity. And humility.

The SGP, photobombing my dreams

And since my dream was inarguably foreshadowing of things to come, I should probably take this opportunity to speak freely about my future in-laws. I’m fairly certain that once I’m fully indoctrinated into the family, I, like the rest of The Firm, will spend most of my days being seen and not heard. They don’t really seem like a group that values truth bombs.

So, on that note, here are a few nuggets of truth that you may not have heard if you get your royal news anywhere but ATG.

First, though, I guess we should mention something that you’ve probably heard EVERY.WHERE. Prince George celebrated his first birthday last Tuesday, July 22^nd. This, incidentally, is the birthday of one of my very favorite teachers; some would say she’s lucky to share a birthday with royalty, but I’d say Prince George is the lucky one. 

There have been approximately 3,469, 936 photographs taken of this child - both official and otherwise - but this is, without a doubt, one of my favorites.

The little guy celebrated at home, like most one-year-olds. The only difference here is, his home is a palace. Literally. The party was held at Kensington Palace, in the overly extravagant “apartment” (more on that later) that little George shares with his parents – and dog. Attendees included the usual suspects: his parents, the Duchass and Prince Baldylocks; his mom’s family, the Meddletons; the Queen, of course; and everyone’s favorite ginger uncle, the Sweet Ginger Prince. Noticeably absent were the little prince’s other grandparents, Charles and Camilla, who were on an official visit to Scotland.  

The party was allegedly held in the drawing room (which, by the way, I don’t think my house came with), where little Georgie received humble gifts like wooden toys and clothes –because, you know, Wills and Kate are just like us and, you know, they want their son to grow up as normally as they did.  *cough*

And speaking of normal, Kate is being hailed as Mother of the Year for personally baking little George’s birthday cake with her very own perfect hands. I have two things to say about this: First, my mom also baked me a cake for my first birthday, which she then decorated with my face. In frosting. Top that, Middleton.

And secondly, the Deficient Duchess should be baking. All day. Every day. In fact, she needs to be baking her overexposed butt off seeing as how she and her follicle-y challenged husband, apparently being  dissatisfied with the 350 square foot kitchen that they already had in their lavish new palace, decided that they needed a second one. 

A second kitchen.

The only logical explanation for this is that Kate, on top of being the most perfect human being to ever exist, is also a gourmet chef. Seriously, is there nothing Katemazing can’t do? 

Here she is being better than all of us.
(Note: The kitchen you see here is not any one of the three she had commissioned.)

“Necessary” renovations to the Cambridges four-story “apartment” have already cost close to 4.5 million pounds (which is over 7.5 million dollars in case you don’t have a converter handy) most of which was paid for with taxpayers’ money. It bears noting that these renovations included updates to kitchen #1 – to the tune of about $290,000. But apparently that wasn’t good enough for these two, because now they’ve decided that they need a second, less extravagant kitchen. It’s very important to note, however, that this kitchen is not being paid for with the public purse. Whew, what a relief. If kitchen #2 was also being paid for with the public’s money, someone might have to finally acknowledge that the Loathsome Twosome were a couple of entitled, spoiled, egocentric beings, but if it’s just 8 million dollars, well, then that’s no problem. In fact, I’d say it’s totally reasonable.

What makes it slightly less reasonable, however, is the fact that, although they’re throwing down cash like Snooki at a tanning salon, THEY’RE NOT EVEN GOING TO LIVE THERE. At least not for the foreseeable future. All these renovated rooms will be left abandoned and unappreciated (is it weird that I can relate to a room?) while the Widdletons relocate to Norfolk, where Willie is set to take a job as an air ambulance pilot (so that he can continue to avoid his royal duties).

It is anticipated that the Cambridges will be moving into Anmer Hall, a 10-bedroom mansion on the Queen’s Sandringham estate. This means, you guessed it, more renovations – including the renovation of yet another kitchen, a kitchen that was just redone 6 years ago to the tune of 38,000 pounds – for this down-to-earth couple. Apparently all-the-frills Wills wants to enjoy all the perks of being a royal without actually having to do any of the job.

And does anyone else find it ironic that a woman who appears to subsist on soda crackers and air needs THREE, count ‘em 1-2-3, newly renovated kitchens?

This is Anmer Hall. Quaint, isn't it?

In fairness, these two “hardworking” royals have spent the last few days in Scotland, representing the royal family at the Commonwealth Games (which sounds a bit like something out of The Hunger Games but which is apparently similar to a less-inclusive version of the Olympics). And, although spectating at sporting events is hard enough – at least the way Kate does it – these royals have gone above and beyond in their royal duties. In fact, Kate spent a few rigorous seconds jumping over some cans. In wedges, no less.

 The good news is, it looks like she may have FINALLY started to weight her skirts. 

Hard work to be sure. So hard, in fact, that I expect these two will soon need another vacation in order to recover.

Tell me again how they’re just like us…