It’s official. The UnreMarkleable Duchess, i.e., Meghan
Markle, is not getting the Kate
Middleton treatment in the press. Let me explain. Before Katemazing became the
Deficient Duchess, neither the British press (nor I) thought she was all that impressive.
Or amazing. In fact, it was the British media who, not-so-lovingly, bestowed
the title Waity Katie upon her. Yes, those lucky few who actually get paid for
their judgment-filled musings wrote endlessly about Kate’s penchant for waiting
for – and on – her boyfriend, Prince Baldylocks of Middleton, i.e., Prince
William, who, it turns out, may not have actually been that nice to her back in
the day (according to a new royal biography). The privileged press would pontificate
on a near-daily basis about the spoiled, commitment-phobic prince and his
doormat girlfriend, she who was willing to wait for years and years for him to
decide if she in fact possessed the “it” he wanted to put a ring on.
In case it’s not yet clear, Waity was not heralded as an
incredible role model for young women; in fact, it was quite the opposite. She
was not labeled as effortlessly enchanting and regal. See the multitude of Kate Middleton upskirt photos for proof of
this. And, she was not, my friends, celebrated for being the monarchy’s savior.
No, she was shaded again and again – and again – for her work-shy ways (yes,
even then she was known for being lazy) and for desperately clinging to
William’s coattails as he continuously tried to get away
from her. Obviously, he eventually decided it was time to get married – he
needed to produce an heir after all – and, I assume, married the most
convenient option (who, to be fair, he probably also loved a little as well),
especially since the other girl(s) he was (allegedly) interested in had no desire
to deal with the nonsense that is royal life.
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Here she is. Chasing her man as he desperately tries to get away from her. I mean, look at the pained expression on his face.
(Yes, I know this particular run was all in good fun, but I wanted to give you a visual of what was going on [according to me] during their [almost] decade-long courtship.)
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But that was then. The minute Waity Katie became the Deficient
Duchess Duchess of Cambridge, the media stopped dropping its truth bombs
and instead did a complete 180°, bipolar swing, becoming the hypocritical
sycophants we see today. For today, my friends, the Deficient Duchess can’t
put a foot wrong. I mean, even I can agree that she’s improving with age, but
to hear (and by “hear,” I mean “read”) the press tell it, she’s absolute
perfection. Everything she does is
perfect. Everything she wears is perfect. Everything she says is perfect. She. Is. Perfect.
Yuck.
But you know who apparently isn’t perfect? Meghan Markle.
She wasn’t perfect before the wedding and she’s definitely not perfect now.
While Kate can’t do anything wrong, apparently Meghan can’t do anything right. First,
she’s American. Also, she’s divorced. And her family? Yikes. Stories about
their complete and total dysfunction began making the rounds during MM’s
courtship of Archie’s father and have continued to play out in the headlines on
a fairly regular basis since then. Yes, friends, it didn’t seem possible, but
apparently there are two other people on earth who crave the spotlight as much
as the fame-hungry duchess: her dad and her (wicked?) stepsister. Apparently a
desperate need for attention runs in the family. But, unfortunately for them –
and despite their best efforts – Meghan’s kin just wasn’t interesting enough to
carry a storyline for that long. So, as a matter of self-preservation, these
diabolical geniuses, i.e., the media,
needed to come up with something else, something better. So, they did. And,
boy, was it juicy.
Not long after Meghan weaseled her fairly small self into
the inner circle of the royal family, stories started leaking from “persons in
the know” that there was an epic feud brewing between the duchesses. After that,
it only took about another 5.6 seconds for the rumor to erupt into an even more
salacious tale of a full-on Hatfield and McCoy situation for the Cambridges and
Sussexes. Yes, my friends, apparently all is not diamonds and rosé in the Palace
of Kensington. The brothers, it seems, are now feuding as well. And this is all,
according to the papers, a direct result of Meghan being a raging bitch. She
has (allegedly) destroyed the royal family as we know it. After all, don’t
forget that Katemazing is perfect, and since she’s perfect, any disharmony that
surrounds her can’t, under any circumstances, be her fault. No, it has to be
the other party’s – in this case, Meghan’s – fault. So, when the story broke
that Meghan had (allegedly) made the future Queen of England cry at Princess
Charlotte’s pre-wedding dress fitting, it simply reinforced what the world
already knew: Kate is an angel and Meghan is a monster. (I mean, it can’t just
be a coincidence that both words start with M, right?)
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| Princess Charlotte sporting the offending dress while her mother smiles through her pain. |
This unfortunate (alleged) incident would not, however, be
the last time the deviant duchess would (allegedly) make her sister-in-law cry.
It happened again when the Cambridges selflessly, out of the goodness of their
love-filled hearts, stopped by to meet baby Archie, the newest addition to the
Sussex line (who may or may not get his own ATG post at some point...maybe when
he does something interesting...so, in like 12 years). A beautiful moment
between families, right? Well, it would have been – except for the fact that
the mean-girl duchess wouldn’t let Duchess CriesALot, a mother of three, by the
way, hold her baby. Because she might do it wrong. Okay, so I made that last
part up, but, as you might imagine, MM is rumored to be very controlling and,
really, what other reason could there be – unless she truly is just a raging
bitch? Anyway, the point is, Kate wanted to hold the baby, Meghan said no, Kate
left in tears and Harry called later to apologize. Tears, anger, hurt feelings,
and hasty exits. Am I wrong, or does this just sound like a typical family
gathering? No? Just me?
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The Hatfields and McCoys
In my completely uninformed opinion, this photo pretty much sums up how the duchesses are approaching this (alleged) feud: Kate is gutted by it (she's looking rather haggard) and Meghan is loving every minute of it. Notice how, yet again, she's the only one smiling...
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Anyway, whether Kate is an angel, Meghan is a monster,
and/or the sisters-in-law (and their husbands) are engaged in an epic feud is
anyone’s guess, but those who believed the rumors felt even more vindicated
when Harry and Meghan chose to leave Kensington Palace, where, not for nothing,
the Cambridges also live, in favor of a galaxy far, far away…from Will and
Kate. Now, listen, I get it. The newlyweds wanted their own space. I would want
the SGP all to myself also. There are plenty of reasons the newly minted
twosome would want to have their own place, many of which have absolutely nothing
to do with hating the in-laws.
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| You'd never know that they actually all hate each other. |
Yes, had this been an isolated event, it probably wouldn’t have
been enough to garner my attention or an ATG blog post (total lie). But then a
spokesman for Kensington Palace – commenting on a story that claimed Kate,
defender of all that is good and right in the world, had put Meghan in her place
after the diva duchess mistreated a member of Katemazing’s staff – said, “that
never happened.” And because royal mouthpieces basically never comment on any
rumor ever, this statement pretty much confirmed the exact opposite of what it was
meant to imply: Kate and Meghan hate each other. Possibly because Meghan is
trying to steal Kate’s identity.
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| Here they are, trying really hard to convince us they're friends. |
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| Like, really hard |
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| So hard |
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Sorry, ladies. You can fool some of the people some of the time, but you can't fool ATG ever.
So. Awkward.
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But the salaciousness doesn’t stop there. Oh no, there’s
more. So much more.
Even before the second most important wedding of all-time
took place last May, there were rumors that Meghan was, well, difficult – and
that her problem-child ways were rubbing off on her until-now very amiable
betrothed. There were plenty of stories about her bridezilla behavior, about how
she was making the lives of the royal staff absolutely miserable. But, I mean,
honestly, who hasn’t encountered a bridezilla or two? It happens. I can imagine
that planning a wedding is incredibly stressful – and when you know your
wedding is going to be watched by millions, on repeat, for generations to come,
I imagine it can make one go a little bit insane. So it was kind of
understandable that Meghan and her husband were, allegedly, a little
short-tempered and irritable leading up to their big day (although I’m sure
Kate would never have been short-tempered
and irritable because she’s, say it with me, perfect). What wasn’t so
understandable, however, was the SGP’s need to verbally assault the staff at
high decibels with gems like “What Meghan wants, she gets!” This, I can
imagine, does little to endear either you or your gingersnap husband to a group
of people who, let’s be honest, make sure your life runs smoothly. Also, just
as an aside, when your husband’s grandmother is the Queen of England, both you and he can scream all you want, but
ultimately the Queen of England gets
the final say. This is why, despite the above-mentioned temper tantrum, Meghan
was not able to wear her first-choice tiara to her wedding. I think it had something
to do with some royal tradition, I can’t really remember, but boy did Meghan get
the last laugh on that one. She hasn’t followed one single royal tradition
since then. Maybe you should’ve just let her wear the stupid thing, Lizzie.
Meghan is apparently not an enemy one wants to make. Because she’s a monster.
Allegedly.
Anyway, I should mention again (for my legal protection)
that, for the most part, these are all rumors – hearsay, if you will. And even
worse than most hearsay, this information comes from anonymous sources who decline
to be named, which makes it just as likely that the person who claims to simply
be reporting the information is, in fact, making it all up. That said, I do
tend to believe there’s a level of truth in most rumors – especially when I’ve
already decided that I don’t like the person at the center of it – but, since
there’s no video, or even a court-certified transcript, of the above-referenced
shouting incident, I can’t say for sure whether it happened. What I can confirm, however, is that a lot of the
royal staff has quit since Meghan joined the Firm, which leads one to wonder if,
perhaps, at least some of these less-than-flattering stories are true. I mean,
either there’s a full-on campaign, being perpetrated by multitudes of people
who are exerting a heck of a lot of time and energy, to smear a completely
innocent duchess…or she’s a horrible person. As with most things, the truth is
probably somewhere in the middle. But ATG doesn’t ride the fence. We take a
side. Even if it’s the wrong side (which it never is). So, read on if you dare,
as we lay out the evidence for the Case of the Diabolical Duchess.
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| She's not laughing with you. She's totally laughing at you. |
Let’s begin with the fact that the Sussexes are hemorrhaging
staff. It started with MM’s personal assistant, who hastily departed a mere six
months after she started. Then came the resignation of two – count ‘em 1, 2 – private secretaries in less than a year. These
abrupt departures obviously led to raised eyebrows among some of us more
judgmental folks. I mean, who quits a job less than a year after starting? Okay,
I did. But in my defense, that was a totally different situation: it was a
terrible, awful, dead-end, soul-sucking job and, more importantly, I never,
ever, under any circumstances, got to interact with the SGP. Anyway, in the
wake of these surprising exits – those which caused many of us to wonder what
in the heck was going on behind the palace’s gilded doors – the duchess’s
defenders quickly ran to her, what else, defense. They noted that, for at least
one of the secretaries, the position was always meant to be temporary, that she
had agreed to stay on for a previously agreed-upon amount of time and that that
time was now up. Okay, sure. I couldn’t be bothered to research whether that
was true or not because, well, I don’t care, but let’s just say it is. That would
explain one of the eyebrow-raising departures. But what about the others? In
addition to the three employees noted above, it has been reported that since
marrying, the Sussexes have also lost their senior communications secretary;
Harry’s private secretary and “right-hand man”; and, most recently, their
nanny.
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She may not let the nanny - or Duchess CriesALot - hold baby Archie,
but sometimes she lets his dad hold him.
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I mean, guys, can we not all agree that a position within
the royal household is a coveted job? You may not want it for yourself, but a
lot of people do, which is why it takes connections and tenaciousness and,
probably, a little luck to get one. There may even be a casting-couch situation
involved. I don’t know. The point is, wouldn’t you imagine that, after all that
effort, once you have acquired said job, you don’t let it go easily? Let’s all
answer together: YES! Does it not seem odd, then, that the UnreMarkleable
Duchess and her firecracker husband have such trouble hanging on to their
staff? In the beginning, Meghan’s revolving door of aides was chalked up to her
American work ethic (whatever the hell that is – apparently I, an American,
don’t have it), meaning she awoke at the butt-crack of dawn to begin working,
and she expected her staff to do the same. According to these stories, Brits
just aren’t that used to working hard. Ha. Tell that to Her Majesty who, at 93,
is still one of the hardest-working broads I know (and by “know,” I mean I’ve
never met her). Perhaps this obvious inconsistency with reality is why stories
of Meghan’s problematic penchant for hard work were quickly replaced with ones noting
instead that it was her American brashness that was the problem. That’s a
little easier to believe. Some Americans totally suck. But please don’t paint
all Americans with such a broad brush. I’m not a monster. My name doesn’t even
start with M.**
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| Here they are, contemplating the best ways to make their employees' lives miserable. |
And then, this week, as if to add insult to absolute injury
(except she still gets to be married to the SGP, so, really, who is the injured
party here?), there came yet another story. This time the focus was on how much
all of Harry’s friends hated his new wife. Not because she’s an overall rotten
human being, but because she’s freezing them out. Yes, it seems that not only
has Harry dropped his follicly challenged brother, but also all some of
his friends. Again, people were quick to point out that, even if it were true
that Harry had dumped his friends – which we obviously can’t say for sure – perhaps,
this time, it wasn’t actually Meghan’s fault. Maybe the SGP’s just not
interested in participating in bachelor behavior anymore, since, you know, he’s
not a bachelor. I think most wives would support their husbands no longer
spending time with fellas who are living their best single life. Perhaps,
Meghan’s supporters argued, Harry is simply choosing more grownup activities,
while simultaneously focusing on the things that really matter, like his new
family. That’s sweet. I don’t think it’s true. But it’s sweet. I’d venture a
guess that even if deleting his friends (and perhaps his brother) from his life
was the SGP’s “choice,” it was at the demand request of his wife. And,
again, I don’t necessarily blame her. But I also can’t imagine that it’s a
great sign when your new wife asks you to disassociate from your friends and
family. In fact, it sounds a little cultish to me. It also makes me wonder why
she married him if she wants to change everything about him. Gives some
credence to the rumors that she was simply looking for a (royal) Englishman.
Then again, maybe I’m being too hard on these two. Maybe
this really was entirely his choice. Or, perhaps his wife did play a role, but
only by pointing out that his current friend choices were leading to some
questionable behavior (naked romps in Vegas, anyone?), and asking if that was
really who he wanted to surround himself with, really the person he wanted to
be. It’s like when your mom asks if you’re really going to wear that outfit out
of the house. It’s a question. But it’s not. Or, heck, maybe all of the
theories are true; they’re not exactly mutually exclusive thoughts. Maybe she
hates his friends because they’re bad influences and so she asked him to
reconsider who he spends his time with (because he should be spending all his
time fully entrenched in the Cult de Markle. Sorry. I’ll stop. Maybe), and
because he loves his wife and baby, he has chosen to honor her demand request
by surrounding himself with people who encourage him to stay clothed. (I hate
these people, BTW.) But on the heels of all the other stories of Meghan’s
overbearing, unkind, monster-like ways, it’s not so hard to believe she’s the
“mastermind” behind all of these changes to the royals and their family. I
mean, it’s not really so hard to imagine that when the UnreMarkleable Duchess
says jump, the SGP is happy to comply, while simultaneously screaming (as if to
remind himself), “What Meghan wants, Meghan gets! What Meghan wants, Meghan
gets! What Meghan wants…”
Ah, to be young – and in a serious amount of trouble
love.
** That
said, my amazing ATG partner in crime’s name does in fact start with an M and
she is by no means a monster, so maybe the alliteration thing only works
sometimes
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