It Won't Cost Much. Just Your Voice.

You’d be forgiven for not knowing this since it got so little attention, but Meghan and Harry recently sat down for an interview with Oprah. It allowed them to finally spend two hours publicly feeling sorry for themselves explaining the true impetus behind Megxit. 

I watched until the bitter end of this insufferable trainwreck for you, ATG Nation, and, surprisingly, I actually learned a thing or two along the way. So, let’s start at the very beginning; a very good place to start. But, first, a warning: Better get your protective gear on; we’re about to drop a truth bomb or 20.

Before we get started, though, let me provide the foundation on which this entire mess is premised: Meghan’s life is very, very hard. She, and to a lesser extent her husband, is the only victim in this fairytale story. Please keep this in mind as we continue our journey together. Okay, now on to those bombs I promised – and lots of other fun tidbits:

• The Loathsome Twosome’s PR people hate them. It’s the only logical explanation. Why else would they have allowed this assault on human decency? If this interview was meant to make these two more sympathetic, it was a major fail.
• Meghan is pregnant with baby number 2. (Truly, I’ve been paying so little attention to these oxygen suckers that I didn’t even know this.) Spoiler alert: It’s a girl. I’m thinking they will not be naming her Kate.
• Oh, and speaking of Kate, remember that story about Meghan making Kate cry at a dress fitting for Princess Charlotte prior to the Sussexes’ wedding? Yeah, according to the UnreMarkleable Duchess, it was actually the other way around. Kate actually made her cry. But, Meghan says, Kate apologized and sent flowers and did all the things Meghan herself would have done if in fact she had made Kate cry. But it wouldn’t be fair to continue discussing it, she says, as she continues to discuss it.
• The Gruesome Twosome have rescue chickens. I didn’t even know this was a thing.
• The UnreMarkleable Duchess doesn’t have internet and/or know how the internet works. How do I know this? Deductive reasoning. (That LSAT prep continues to serve me well.) According to The Megs, she knew very little about Harry, his family, how the Firm operates or even what she was getting into prior to being thrown into her new life. This is part of the reason she was so unprepared/ill-equipped to deal with her new reality as a princess. I call bullshit on this. I don’t believe for a second that she didn’t do some research while the two were “courting,” as she called it. Not to mention, by her own admission, she was friends with Princess Eugenie, Fergie’s daughter, before ever meeting Harry. You mean to tell me this didn’t give her some insight into what royal life was? I mean, if anyone knows bad press, it’s the York sisters. 
• Everything bad that has ever happened to Meghan since joining the Firm, nay, in her entire life, is because the world, and especially the royal family, is racist, small-minded and jealous. There is literally no other reason that anyone could criticize such a perfect creature. Harry is also quick to call out the rest of the world family for being giant racists. I guess he forgot about that time he dressed up as a Nazi. 
• Oh, and FYI, speaking of Harry, that’s no longer his name. Going forward, he is officially known only as “My Husband”™ (or MH, for short). Yes, we get it Meghan. He’s your husband. You don’t have to keep marking your territory. We remember.
• The UnreMarkleable Duchess ends pretty much every sentence with “right?” in yet another inauthentic affectation. Is she looking for confirmation from Oprah or does she simply think that everything she says is so complex and sophisticated that Oprah may be having trouble keeping up? Probably both.
• Meghan did everything “they” told her to do while living under the watchful eye of the palace, including, but not limited to, always replying “no comment” when asked about her life with a prince. She was always tight-lipped. Always. Oh wait, except for that one time when she did a Vanity Fair cover story almost entirely about her relationship with My Husband™ (who, at the time, was still only My Boyfriend).  
• The Firm is full of liars who failed to protect Meghan from the bigots of the world. The Gruesome Twosome are literally the only two honest people on earth.
• The Megs loves the queen but not-so-much Kate, who is a total monster. She never explicitly says this about Kate, of course, but it’s obvious this is what she thinks by the fact that she never really answers a question about their relationship, instead choosing to make thinly veiled references to the Deficient Duchess’s monster-like behavior and then employing the “no comment” smirk.
• The UnreMarkleable Duchess may be a terrible actress but she’s very good at playing the victim.
• The royal family is racist. Did I mention this? And because they’re racist, they care nothing for Meghan or her well-being. In fact, they never even asked her how she was holding up or if she was okay as she navigated this new life. Makes perfect sense. Except, wait. Does the royal family ask any of its members if they are okay? Did they ask Kate? Diana? Or did the institution just expect them to put their big-girl panties on and get to work? I think it’s probably more likely that the royal family doesn’t value the emotional well-being of anyone – stiff upper lip and all – but that doesn’t fit the narrative that Meghan had a much tougher time than anyone else ever has, mostly because of the color of her skin.
• It was the royal family, not the Loathsome Twosome, who decided Archie wouldn’t have a title or security – because, of course, he’s biracial and the royals are racist, which is a topic Oprah just can’t seem to get enough of. She was basically salivating at the fact that the royals were bigoted assholes, and would ask as many leading questions as it took to get to this answer. It was during one of these digressions that Meghan revealed how, prior to Archie’s birth, MH had a conversation with members of his family regarding how dark Archie’s skin would be/what he would look like. Meghan clearly implicates (though not explicitly) Princes William, Charles and/or Philip in this conversation but says she can’t confirm who had these conversations with MH because it would be “very damaging to them.” So she’ll just let you use your imagination. It’s kind of genius. She basically assassinates all of their characters without calling out anyone by name.
• Turns out that the above conversation(s), however, took place, not while Meghan was pregnant with Archie, as she led us to believe, but way prior to his birth, meaning before he was even a gleam in his mother’s eye, meaning while the Gruesome Twosome were still only dating. Is it awful to discuss what the skin color of MH’s babies would be if he chose to marry a biracial woman, especially if the purpose of said discussion was to dissuade him from this choice? Of course. It’s disgusting. But it’s somehow even more offensive when you think it took place while the UnreMarkleable Duchess was gestating MH’s baby. Being able to attach that conversation to Archie’s sweet, innocent face makes those who engaged in it even more deplorable, which is probably why Meghan chose to frame it that way. Also, she’s a giant liar.
• The Deplorable Duchess is very critical of the royals for allowing presumptions – correct or otherwise – about her monster behavior to be perpetuated in the media instead of shutting it down, saying that they failed to protect her. Ironically, however, she has absolutely no problem doing this exact same thing to other members of the family by smirking, nodding, and using her quiet voice to drop hints about their terrible, racist behavior, but then refusing to discuss it. She’ll just let you draw your own conclusions about what garbage people they are. Do as she says, people, not as she does.
• The world doesn’t like the Disingenuous Duchess because of our deep-rooted prejudices. As proof of this, Oprah highlights various news headlines that have run over the last few years attacking Meghan for the color of her skin. One of these headlines referred to Meghan as “trailer trash.” Really? If trailer trash is offensive to any race, I’d say it’s Caucasians. But, honestly, I don’t think it’s racist at all. It’s just super derogatory. And the media said plenty of derogatory things about Kate in the run-up to her wedding, highlighting her commoner origins and less-than status. Admittedly they didn’t use the term trailer trash, but considering Kate is English, I don’t imagine the American idiom would have had the same effect.
• Although the Despicable Duchess reminds us several times that she didn’t read or watch any of the negative press about her, didn’t see a lick of it, it was that very negative press (that she didn’t read or watch), she says, that made her life virtually unlivable. Listen, I am incredibly sympathetic to those struggling with mental-health issues. It can be an insurmountable challenge and one that shouldn’t be minimized; however, the UnreMarkleable Duchess willingly entered into this lifestyle. And she did so as an adult, a self-proclaimed independent woman. I don’t buy for a second that she didn’t know what she was getting. And, if she truly wasn’t following the press stories, how did they affect her so strongly? I call bullshit. Again. To act like she was totally blindsided by all of this is so disingenuous. But that’s Meghan.
• The Disingenuous Duchess continues to be a terrible actress as she cries fake, though well-placed tears, without any actual liquid. It happened several times, including while discussing the mental-health crisis referenced above – and, specifically, an event attended by the Loathsome Twosome during which they clung to each other in their sadness. She was reminded of this upsetting moment, she says, when she saw a picture from the event and noticed the duo’s white-knuckled grip of each other’s hands. Except, wait, you can’t even see their knuckles in the picture. It’s all fingers. Fingers and dry tears. I just can’t with her. She’s so fake.  

  

  Uh, it doesn't even look like they're holding on to each other that tightly.

• MH is also a garbage person. He’s so very entitled. Apparently, he thinks he should continue to be taken care of by the Firm despite the fact that he’s not actually a working royal any longer. I’m pretty sure it was decided years ago that non-senior members wouldn’t get security protection. But for some reason, MH doesn’t understand why he was stripped of his security despite his change in status. This just confirms what we already know: He has no actual grasp on what real people go through. Can you imagine demanding that an employer that you no longer work for, and that you publicly shamed, continue paying your salary and providing benefits to you? Yeah, me neither. Not how things work in the real world. Of course, MH’s never had to live in the real world.

• Oprah seemingly spent the entire interview reveling in the opportunity to call out the world’s allegedly racist behavior. Case in point, here’s a paraphrased interaction from the interview:
• Harry: I knew that my dating, and having a girlfriend, would draw a lot of attention. 
• Oprah: Because she’s mixed race?
• Me: No, you dumb cluck, because he’s PRINCE HARRY. Every girl he has ever dated has gotten loads of attention – and they were all white (except for Chelsy Davy, who was sometimes an unfortunate shade of orange). Additionally, Kate, also white, has always been hounded by the press. You can’t date one of the world’s most eligible bachelors and not expect for it to garner attention, regardless of your skin color. GTFO, Oprah. I see you – and your agenda.
• As you may have guessed, because the Loathsome Twosome are victims of the world, it’s probably not surprising to hear they think they were completely unsupported by the Firm. Because, again, racism. It’s a totally fair claim considering all the support that Princess Diana got and the fact that Fergie’s missteps were completely hidden from the media. Oh, wait…
• Charles stopped taking Harry’s calls for a time. These are the juicy tidbits I came here for. I wanted more of this!
• The UnreMarkleable Duchess thinks she’s The Little Mermaid, a princess who lost her voice in order to marry a prince, but got her voice back in the end. Gag. Me. It was obvious that she thought this was a profound revelation. Oprah seemed less impressed.
• The Firm hates The Megs, not only because they’re racist assholes, but also because they’re jealous. Meghan was just too darn good at her “job.” See: the Sussexes' Australian tour.

  

  Exhibit A

• MH has always been “trapped” in his very privileged life of servants, castles and unlimited opportunities. He just didn’t know it until he met the Disingenuous Duchess.
• The Sucksasses needed their Spotify/Netflix deals because the cold-hearted, unfeeling royals cut them off. To this I say, again, why wouldn’t the royal purse stop supporting them? They are no longer working royals. The Gruesome Twosome continue to amaze me, expecting special treatment and crying bigotry when they don’t get it. It may be a good way to shut the conversation down, but I don’t find it to be a winning argument. Oh, and, although the royals may have stopped supporting the Worthless Twosome, let’s don’t forget that MH received millions from his mom’s estate. Paupers they are not, despite their greatest efforts to frame themselves as such (from their Santa Barbara mansion). Meanwhile, many, many people truly are in financial peril, especially in the wake of the COVID crisis. Ugh, as if I couldn’t dislike these two more.
• MH is quick to clarify that he and The Megs are “not complaining” about their current plight in life, as they spend two hours, um, complaining about their current plight in life. Well, complaining about their current plight and disparaging MH’s entire family. I don’t imagine this will do much to mend the divide.
• The Gruesome Twosome take no accountability for anything that’s happened up until this point. No, their entire plight is the fault of the royals, who so unceremoniously pushed the Sussexes out of the family. MH and his wife didn’t want to leave England. No, they were more than happy to stay in their taxpayer-funded mansion(s). They just didn’t want to work anymore. It was those mean royals who demanded they contribute to the family or get lost.
• And finally, the UnreMarkleable Duchess may no longer be performing in scripted dramas, but she’s 100% still an actress. Her current role: victim. Finally she’s found a role she’s good at. I guess it helps to not have even one genuine bone in your body.

After subjecting myself to two hours of this drivel (who’s the real victim here?), I’ve come to the conclusion that this was not an honest interview. I don’t think for a minute that things went down the way they say. In fact, I think the Gruesome Twosome is fabricating a lot of the horrors they say they experienced behind castle walls. Here’s why: The queen is a classy lady; she’s not a vindictive bitch. And she protects her family. I don’t believe for a second that she would have stripped MH and The Megs of their HRH titles, patronages, and security – and allowed the family feud to become so public – if the two had behaved as maturely and respectfully as they represent. No, I have to imagine there’s a whole lot more to this story – things that don’t fit well into the narrative that the Sucksasses are the true victims here. Additionally, there were just so many stories about their bad behavior and, although I’m sure some were fabricated or exaggerated, I just can’t believe that there’s that much smoke without at least some fire.

In conclusion, and as I’ve said a million times before, disliking a person of color is not, on its face (no pun intended), racist. Does racism exist? Of course. Are there people who don’t like the UnreMarkleable Duchess because she’s biracial? Absolutely. Are some of these people likely in the royal family? I wouldn’t doubt it. But are there also legitimate reasons not to like The Megs? Yes. And shutting down every conversation by labeling every critic/criticism as racist does nothing to advance the conversation. Contrary to the story these two are trying to tell, Meghan isn’t actually perfect. There are reasons to not like her that have nothing to do with the color of her skin...and this interview provided quite a few more.

And if you disagree with me, it’s only because you’re a misogynist. [Insert laughing emoji here.] I kid.

Anyway, as with pretty much everything else the Gruesome Twosome does, this interview was a major fail. It just reinforced everything I already believed about them: they are a spoiled, entitled, egocentric, hypocritical duo. And for two people who say they just want to live a normal life out of the spotlight, they sure seem to court media attention at every opportunity.

Listen, I do sincerely hope that the UnreMarkleable Duchess finds a way to live happily ever after with her once-handsome prince. I just wish she’d do it quietly.

The End.