Charlie and the Royal Baby Factory

Are you royal family-ed out yet? Boy, I am. So much so, in fact, that I actually hate myself for this post. I really do. There has already been way too much royal family coverage; but, unfortunately, before we can finally move on to a new chapter of this overpublicized “fairytale,” there’s one last issue left to discuss: The name bestowed upon the daughter of the two most perfect people in the world.

You’ve probably already heard the exciting news, but it’s just so thrilling that it bears repeating. Baby Girl Cambridge will now and forevermore be known as Charlotte Elizabeth Diana or, if you’re feeling formal, Her Royal Highness Princess Charlotte of Cambridge. 

Little person. Big name.

Apparently Charlotte wasn’t really a surprising choice for those in the know. Some say she’s named for William’s dad, Charles, but I’m not sure. “Inside sources” are reporting that Prince Charles is being blocked from seeing his grandson (and most likely now his granddaughter) by, you guessed it, Calculating Carole Meddleton. It is her goal, they say, to cut George’s father’s family, i.e. the royal family, out of his life. (And as you can imagine, Grandpa Chuck is none too happy about it.)

I don’t find this so hard to believe. William shirked the royal tradition of Christmas with the queen to spend Christmas with the Middletons. He also chose to go on vacation with his in-laws as opposed to a memorial service for the queen’s beloved mother and sister. In fact, Wills has repeatedly shown that he’s a Middleton and not a royal. Which is fine. He doesn’t want to take on royal duties? Great. He doesn’t want to spend time with the royal family? Fantastic. He doesn’t want to be photographed? No problem. Then he should take his normal family and retire to a normal house in the country that he, himself, pays for. Or just go live with the in-laws. Whatever. Just stop living off the public teat while simultaneously rejecting everything royal.

That will never happen, of course, because although William may not enjoy being a royal, Kate and her mom very much do. They obviously love the attention. Were Wills to abdicate, not only would he lose the claim to the throne, but probably also his wife and adopted family.

But back to the baby’s name.

Yes, Charlotte is the feminine form of Charles, but it is also the middle name of Kate’s equally as worthless sister, Pippa. I think it’s much more likely that this was the inspiration. Baby Charlotte is a Middleton after all.

As for the choices of Elizabeth and Diana, well, they’re fairly self-explanatory and not in the least bit surprising.

Also not surprising, but certainly creating a lot of chatter is Charlotte’s birth certificate – or, more specifically, the occupation listed for her parents. You ready for this? You might want to sit down. It’s almost too ridiculous and nauseating to repeat.

Her father’s job is listed as, wait for it, Prince of the United Kingdom and her mother’s? You guessed it: Princess of the United Kingdom. Since royal titles are apparently considered occupations, I would like my new job to be Princess of Awesome, Master of the Universe. I would also like to get paid – a lot – for being awesome. And a princess.

Who do I see about that?

And, not to sound like a broken record, but if you list something as your occupation, shouldn’t that mean that you actually have, and perform, job duties under that title? Isn’t that what a job is? His job is to be a prince, but he doesn’t do anything princely. Likewise with his wife. Well, except that whole superior-acting thing.

It occurred to me, after reading article after article about this do-nothing duo and their new baby (it’s tough, but I do it for you, ATG Nation), that royalty is a strange thing. These people have done absolutely nothing, not one thing, to earn their position. They live the most privileged lives imaginable, are worshiped across the universe, are considered role models to be emulated, and because of what? Because they were born? At least Kim Kardashian let someone pee on her. These folks have done absolutely nothing except manage to successfully navigate the birth canal.

If they’re attractive, they get a pass for being worthless (see: Kate Middleton) and are, in fact, lauded for being an asset to the royal family – a role model even. But God help them if they are even slightly less aesthetically appealing (see: Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie). Those girls can’t put a foot right in the eyes of the public. Even while they were in school, working on degrees (i.e. actually doing something), they were being criticized for their laziness.

One of these women is praised daily for her impeccable fashion sense; the other was absolutely massacred in the press for hers. Can you honestly tell from these photos which is which? They both appear to have satellite dishes attached to their heads.

Apparently, despite the Ted Bundys and Scott Petersons of the world, people still believe that being pretty on the outside equates to being pretty on the inside.

Listen, I get it. I too once subscribed to this theory.

Then again, I was five.

Broken Promises

Someone get me a priest... STAT!

We aren't even 24 hours into Lent and I've already violated my Lenten Offering.  I was committed to not discussing Duchess Dolittle for the next 40 days.  And then the Bikini Baby Bump Bonanza Broke.  I mean, how were we at ATG supposed to pass up the chance for five B alliteration???  

And what's more, how could we even begin to deprive all of our lovely ATG readers all the Waity Whisperings that are Worthy to Write.  And that's a four W alliteration for those of you who are counting.

But I digress, without further ado, the bump see round the world.  

Careful, if you squint, you might miss it.

Three main things:

1.  That bump could be caused by eating a sandwich at lunch.  Which by the look of things #2 and #3 she clearly didn't finish.

2.  Pelvic Protrusion.

3.  Skeletal Shoulders.

Here's to hoping the Lord will go lightly on us- especially since we realized our limitations early on.  And we've given Him some stellar alliterations.  And we know for a fact that the Lord loves a good alliteration.  

New Levels of Waity-Mania

This week, Waity-mania reached a new level.  I know, I know.  It's going to get REALLY bad in about six months.  But we (royal we) must celebrate every new level of Waity-related annoying that we encounter.

First, The Vomity Duchess turned 31.  With all the pomp surrounding her birthday, you would think that SHE had done something spectacular instead of the world simply turning on its axis as the world is want to do.  Fortunately for all of us, the Internet is a giver and put together a retrospective of the 31 Dresses of Waity.  Because we at ATG are such givers, we present to you the slideshow, in its entirety,  without the annoying clicks.  If you prefer clicking, check out the original here.

Just a couple of things:

1.  In some slides, I was able to put five pictures across.  Please, Kate.  Eat something.  Right now your chief job is converting food into a baby.   Get on it.

2.  It was startling how easy it was to crop Willis out of some of these pictures.  Not the ones from earlier in the relationship.  The ones now.  I'm no expert on body language but that can't be good.  Quick- someone call the E! Channel.  We need confirmation... STAT!

The second event in the Waity Annoying Summit was the revealing of Waity's first royal portrait.  For those that haven't seen the portrait,  may I be the first to present it to you.

Portrait of the Entitled 

My first reaction was that it looked like Waity was in the Twilight Saga.  She and K. Stew are both members of the "Girl Needs to Eat A Sandwich" Club.

My second reaction was that it was a fair portrait.  Is it glamorous?  No.  Does it look like her? Absolutely.  Internet reaction have criticized the portrait for making her look older, not erasing her dark circles, and the smirk she is wearing.  And to those critics I say this:  that is the Duchess of Cambridge. And I'm not even being snotty.  Look, her weight loss has taken a toll.  Most visibly on her face.  She has semi-perminant bags under her eyes.  Her cheeks look lined and hollow.  She is often wearing that "I'm better than you" smirk.  Ok, that last one was snotty.  May I submit for evidence, the previous gallery and this picture of the two of them arriving at the event:

Yes.  This is not the best picture of the couple.  But is it how they look in everyday life?  Probably.  Reports have emerged that Waity wanted to be painted as she actually looks.  And if that is the case, I can respect that.

Welcome to the wrong side of 30, Waity.

Baby On Board (?)

Are they or aren’t they? It’s the million dollar (or ten dollar, depending on your perspective) question. No, I’m not talking about whether or not Brangelina is FINALLY getting married or if Broadway baby Kristen Chenoweth is really dating Bachelor baby Jake Pavelka (which, by the way, is a true story); no, I’m referring to whether or not two already overpublicized celebrities are hoping to stay relevant by stocking their uteruses with babies.

The first? Jessica Simpson. Remember when Jessica Simpson was a virgin? Yeah, that was a long time ago. She’s not only no longer a virgin, but she’s actually having babies out of wedlock. Wonder what Papa Joe has to say about that. Oh wait, Papa Joe’s 34-year marriage is ending, possibly because he’s having inappropriate relations with male models, so I’m not sure he has much room to judge.

Unlike her father, I’m not so worried about Jessica’s soul—mostly because I don’t know her—but I do feel badly for her and her inevitable weight gain. She was absolutely crucified for the weight she gained while pregnant with daughter, Maxwell (if the press was going to crucify her for anything, shouldn’t it be for naming a GIRL, Maxwell?), which I think was grossly unfair. Who cares if she gains weight? All women gain weight while pregnant—some just gain (a lot) more than others. Personally, I don’t care if she gets fat again, that’s her prerogative. I just wish that, if she’s going to be such a miserable-looking pregnant lady, she’d stay home and save us from having to share in her misery.

A pregnant Jessica Simpson is a painful sight to behold.

Remember this?

Number 2 is Kate Middleton (there’s a terribly juvenile joke there, but, no, I must keep going). This “is she or isn’t she packing an heir” crap has been circulating since the day after her wedding to Prince Baldylocks. Although, let’s be honest, they’d been living together for years. Nothing happened on their wedding night that hadn’t happened plenty of times before. The only thing the wedding did was make what would have previously been a shameful secret, into a future king (or queen). Bravo.

Honestly, I figure a Waity Katie baby is inevitable—I mean, that’s her one job—so I’m fairly ambivalent about the whole thing. I’m sure, though, that Waity is crossing her fingers and toes (although not her legs) that she’ll soon be hearing the pitter-pattter of little feet running down the castle halls, as it will mean she’ll have yet another excuse to do absolutely nothing. She’ll FINALLY have a legitimate reason for staying home (not that she needs one; she pretty much does whatever she wants). After all, without her, who will make sure that the nannies are raising her child(ren) correctly?

So, whether or not she’s finally a breeder is completely inconsequential to me. I really only used the baby topic as an excuse to talk about what really matters: Kate’s new hair, or more specifically, bangs (or fringe, as they say in England). Have you seen this? Yikes.

It's so heinous and yet women across the globe are asking for this exact cut. That Kate Kool-Aid is strong stuff. 

 She's clearly been taking lessons at the Princess Diana School of Looking Wistful.  

Good job, Duchess. You took the one thing that made you slightly attractive and ruined it. Nicely done. I kind of feel sorry for her. Oh wait, no I don’t.