Baby On Board (?)

Are they or aren’t they? It’s the million dollar (or ten dollar, depending on your perspective) question. No, I’m not talking about whether or not Brangelina is FINALLY getting married or if Broadway baby Kristen Chenoweth is really dating Bachelor baby Jake Pavelka (which, by the way, is a true story); no, I’m referring to whether or not two already overpublicized celebrities are hoping to stay relevant by stocking their uteruses with babies.

The first? Jessica Simpson. Remember when Jessica Simpson was a virgin? Yeah, that was a long time ago. She’s not only no longer a virgin, but she’s actually having babies out of wedlock. Wonder what Papa Joe has to say about that. Oh wait, Papa Joe’s 34-year marriage is ending, possibly because he’s having inappropriate relations with male models, so I’m not sure he has much room to judge.

Unlike her father, I’m not so worried about Jessica’s soul—mostly because I don’t know her—but I do feel badly for her and her inevitable weight gain. She was absolutely crucified for the weight she gained while pregnant with daughter, Maxwell (if the press was going to crucify her for anything, shouldn’t it be for naming a GIRL, Maxwell?), which I think was grossly unfair. Who cares if she gains weight? All women gain weight while pregnant—some just gain (a lot) more than others. Personally, I don’t care if she gets fat again, that’s her prerogative. I just wish that, if she’s going to be such a miserable-looking pregnant lady, she’d stay home and save us from having to share in her misery.

A pregnant Jessica Simpson is a painful sight to behold.

Remember this?

Number 2 is Kate Middleton (there’s a terribly juvenile joke there, but, no, I must keep going). This “is she or isn’t she packing an heir” crap has been circulating since the day after her wedding to Prince Baldylocks. Although, let’s be honest, they’d been living together for years. Nothing happened on their wedding night that hadn’t happened plenty of times before. The only thing the wedding did was make what would have previously been a shameful secret, into a future king (or queen). Bravo.

Honestly, I figure a Waity Katie baby is inevitable—I mean, that’s her one job—so I’m fairly ambivalent about the whole thing. I’m sure, though, that Waity is crossing her fingers and toes (although not her legs) that she’ll soon be hearing the pitter-pattter of little feet running down the castle halls, as it will mean she’ll have yet another excuse to do absolutely nothing. She’ll FINALLY have a legitimate reason for staying home (not that she needs one; she pretty much does whatever she wants). After all, without her, who will make sure that the nannies are raising her child(ren) correctly?

So, whether or not she’s finally a breeder is completely inconsequential to me. I really only used the baby topic as an excuse to talk about what really matters: Kate’s new hair, or more specifically, bangs (or fringe, as they say in England). Have you seen this? Yikes.

It's so heinous and yet women across the globe are asking for this exact cut. That Kate Kool-Aid is strong stuff. 

 She's clearly been taking lessons at the Princess Diana School of Looking Wistful.  

Good job, Duchess. You took the one thing that made you slightly attractive and ruined it. Nicely done. I kind of feel sorry for her. Oh wait, no I don’t.