Ribs, Tires and…Babies?

Proving yet again that her uterus is the only part of her that actually does any work, the Deficient Duchess is once again the Vomity Duchess. That is, she’s pregnant.

And vomity.

It was precisely her tossing of the cookies (that she never eats) that prompted the palace to make an announcement that a) yes, Kate is in fact gestating a spare for the heir and 2) she probably isn’t going to be able to keep any of her upcoming engagements – including her “much-anticipated” solo trip to Malta – because she’s, yet again, suffering from debilitating morning sickness. Poor dear.

    When it comes to another royal baby, George and I are obviously of a similar mindset.     

There are several schools of thought on why the pregnancy announcement was made before Kate hit the all-important 12-week mark. One is that Her Pukiness didn’t feel like fulfilling any more work obligations this year, so she got the ultimate doctor’s note to excuse her absence. (I may be the only pupil at this school, but I still think it’s totally valid). A second thought is that, as Scotland prepares to vote on whether or not they’re still interested in being United with the Kingdom, news of a baby is bound to sway them to vote yes. Who doesn’t love a royal baby? They’re magical. Like unicorns.

And yet a third theory is that, as the SGP prepares to celebrate the big 3-0, Kate was thrown into a jealous rage at the thought of not being the center of attention for even one second.  Her rage was made even worse when news broke that, upon his 30^th birthday, Sweet Ginger and his brother would be inheriting their beloved mother’s wedding dress.

With the advent of the Katenia era has come less and less mention of the late princess. Still, Diana remains popular among the masses; she is “the people’s princess,” after all. Positively tying oneself to her memory is never a bad thing, and this is exactly what Kate did when she agreed to wear the sapphire monstrosity that had once adorned the blessed hand of her late mother-in-law. And the ring’s done well for Kate. It certainly garnered her a lot of attention – at least in the beginning. But you know what’s bound to get even more attention? Diana’s wedding dress. It’s bigger. It’s fluffier. And it’s, arguably, more famous. But wedding-dress attention does Middleton no good. She didn’t design it. She didn’t bedazzle it. And she certainly didn’t wear it. So how can she possibly squeeze her admittedly very tiny self into this situation? Unfortunately for her, it seems that she can’t.

And this is a problem.

There is only one thing that could overshadow the sentiment (and gaudyliciousness) of the duchess’s ring - and, therefore, the duchess - and that is the pearl-encrusted fluff that is Diana’s wedding dress. (Does anyone else start craving marshmallows while viewing Charles and Diana’s wedding? No? Just me?) Listen, I get it. It was the 80’s. I’m an 80’s baby. I dressed myself – incredibly badly – in the 80’s. There are photographs that I wish would take a long walk off a short pier. It wasn’t an attractive decade. It was totally rad, but it wasn’t attractive. Point is, I understand the 80’s effect. That said, this wedding dress has a whole lot going on. Diana practically got lost in all the poof and circumstance.

Is anyone else reminded of a Puffalump upon viewing this picture?
Maybe it was the inspiration behind them.

Until recently, the dress has stayed safely out of the duchess’s orbit - never threatening to overshadow her greatness – by being tucked away at the Spencer family home, leaving only to embark on its periodic tours of the world. Incidentally (as my grandma would say), the fact that this dress has been on world tours in an official capacity means that this inanimate object has pretty much worked as hard as the duchess. Maybe harder.  

But I digress…

Diana’s will decreed that when the clock strikes midnight on September 15^th (SGP’s 30^th birthday), ownership of her wedding dress be transferred to her boys. This means that the hibernating memory of the princess will be front and center yet again. Or would have been. Except now all anyone can talk about is another royal baby. Genius, no?

As for the dress, the hope is that the boys will allow it to stay at its home at Althorp, where Diana devotees can continue to feast upon its awesome 80’s-ness. And, based on no factual evidence at all, I would assume that William and Harry will do exactly that. After all, aside from the obvious sentimentality, I can’t imagine why the boys would want to have it in their physical possession at all times. For one, it would be a logistical nightmare. I mean, where are they going to store it? I don’t think the whole of Kensington Palace is large enough to house such a big-boned garment. And it’s not like it can be repurposed and worn again (although I’m sure her bridesmaid’s dresses could be; all bridesmaid’s dresses can be).

On the other hand, maybe they will decide to keep it in their home, and draw up some shared custody-type agreement. Heck, maybe they’ll even decide that it can be worn again. In fact, maybe that’s precisely what the boys have in mind.

I wonder if Harry’s going to request that his bride wear his mom’s wedding dress in much the same way that Will requested that Kate wear the ring.

If that’s the case, then yikes.

You know how much I love me some Harry, but that Norman Bates-type request might be a deal breaker even for me.

Maybe.

On the other hand, I do look good in fluff.

Anything’s Possible

So…I’m just going to say it. It will probably make me sound crazy—a few of you may even judge me—but I feel that it needs to be said.

Is the Deficient Duchess really pregnant or is it all just a giant scam?

There. I said it. Judge away. But keep in mind that it wouldn’t be the first time a royal family did something weird and underhanded to perpetuate a specific image; and this whole baby situation just seems a little too convenient, a little too perfect, if you ask me.

I know it sounds pretty incredible, but hear me out before you dismiss me as another tinfoil hat-wearing loon.  

You may decide that it’s not such a crazy proposition after all.

1. The Case of the Instant Fertility

a)      This girl was skin and bones. She had not an ounce of fat on her. Not an ounce. I’m not saying skinny girls can’t get pregnant, but it usually takes a little work – especially when the skinny girl in question has been on birth control for at least 10(ish) years, which I assume is the case here. But this pregnancy seemed to happen without any struggle at all, at the most opportune time, like it was planned that way. This makes me suspicious. 

No babies on board here.

b)       The Duchess and I are about the same age, so I don’t think it’s out of line for me to say that, while Waity and I are by no means old, in child-bearing years we’re bordering on senior citizenship. You see, a woman’s child-bearing years are a bit like dog years. After a certain age, every calendar year that passes equals the loss of 7 easily-knocked-up years. Eggs get old, they shrivel up, and then they die. Every single month. It really is a sad story. The point is, fertility decreases as we age. Fertility also decreases when you have .05% body fat. (This is something, by the way, that I do not have in common with Kate Middleton.) So you expect me to believe that this skinny minny, on the wrong side of 30, decides she’s going to get pregnant and BOOM! it happens? It seems highly unlikely, but maybe that’s exactly what happened. Maybe princesses really are born under a luckier star than the rest of us. Actually, Dolittle’s life up until this point sort of seems to prove that out.

2. The Case of the Missing Bump

Is it just me or does the size of her bump fluctuate more than what’s normal? Sometimes she looks a tad bit pregnant and other times, not so much. My boss is pregnant, and pretty much every day she looks, well, pregnant. But look at these pictures of Waity from the St. Patrick’s Day parade—one taken last year and the other, last week. It’s the same coat. The only thing that differs is that in one she’s allegedly 5 ½ months pregnant. Yet, somehow, she looks EXACTLY THE SAME in both pictures. Granted, coats can camouflage things, but this must be a magic coat because it makes her baby disappear! 

   2012                                                            2013               

Sure, a woman’s weight can fluctuate, but does the baby’s? The size of the placenta? The amount of amniotic fluid? All the things that make a pregnant woman’s belly grow? Shouldn’t these things remain rather constant? The answer is yes. (Trust me; I once worked for a lung doctor.) So why, then, does Kate’s bump fluctuate so much from event to event? I don’t know. It’s a mystery. 

3. The Case of the Vanishing Morning Sickness

Do you remember when the news broke that the Tepid Twosome was about to become a threesome, or more specifically, why the news broke? It was because the Delicate Duchess had to be admitted to the hospital for debilitating morning sickness. Sure, she had just days before been playing field hockey (in heels), but, because I’m such a kind person, I was willing to sort of overlook that. Maybe this was the kind of life-threatening morning sickness that comes on suddenly, months after you actually start gestating the child. 

  Quick! Someone call a doctor. The Duchess is looking quite ill!   

I have a harder time believing, however, that this is the kind of morning sickness that is so bad that it puts you in the hospital, and then miraculously disappears less than a week later, never to return again. The kind of morning sickness that only lasts long enough to “force” you to announce to the world that you’re fulfilling your heir-producing duty. It all sounds a little too convenient to me. So sick that she had to be rushed to the hospital—and an announcement had to be made—but well enough to go shopping and vacaying. 

From what I’ve read, the morning sickness that Kate allegedly suffered from knocks women out for months; oftentimes, it’s something that they deal with for their entire pregnancies. But Little Miss Sunshine snaps her fingers and poof! It’s all gone. Either she was born under the luckiest star imaginable (which, again, I’m not ruling out) or something’s rotten in the Palace of Buckingham.

Look, she could very well be pregnant. In fact, the unfortunate face puffiness that she’s been sporting recently leads me to believe that it’s a distinct possibility (or that she’s been hitting the bottle too hard). All I’m saying is that there are things, many of which are detailed above, that give me pause.

But, then, I love a good conspiracy theory.

Death, Taxes, and Royal Babies

Benjamin Franklin was wrong; there are actually three things that are certain. The one he forgot to mention is the surety of royal babies.

The heir to the throne, regardless of kingdom, must always produce an heir, under penalty of death. (Okay, so maybe it’s not quite that dramatic, but it is a job requirement.) And fortunately for Prince William, it appears that he won’t be requiring a trip to the Tower of London anytime soon. 

  In case you haven’t yet heard, the Most Beautiful Couple in the World is currently gestating the Most Beautiful Baby in the World. I don't mean to be rude, but if these two are the most beautiful, the world's in serious trouble.   

Yep, it’s official. The Palace has confirmed that the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge (that’s Waity and her husband for those of you who don’t speak the lingo) are expecting their heir. What the Palace neglected to say is that upon hearing this news, Prince Harry’s reply was, “Yippee! Now I won’t have to be king! More naked Vegas romps for me!!!” (I’m paraphrasing, of course.) And, although ATG’s response to the news was a bit more subdued, we are quite looking forward to more pics of Harry in his birthday suit; it is, after all, his best outfit.

Like I said before, this news was inevitable. And, although British Baby Watch has been happening for almost two years now, I had a sneaking suspicion that this time it wasn’t just that the Duchess had gorged herself on enchiladas and broccoli; that this time she might actually be packing a baby. What I’m not looking forward to, however, is what’s sure to be a daily inundation of royal baby news. We get it. She’s pregnant. And will be for many months. Nothing else to see here. At least not for another nine months or so—and, honestly, newborns aren’t that exciting either. Talk to me in about ten years.

Where is this "glow" that everyone keeps talking about? I don't see it. Perhaps I'm glow averse.

Word on the street (and by street, I mean the gold-lined avenues of Buckingham Palace), is that the Duchess had to be admitted to the hospital today with some form of severe morning sickness. The statement read, "As the pregnancy is in its very early stages, Her Royal Highness is expected to stay in hospital for several days and will require a period of rest thereafter."

Did I call this or what? “A period of rest thereafter” probably means the next 40 years or so. Nice work if you can get it.

Is morning sickness contagious because I suddenly feel a bit nauseated. 

Baby On Board (?)

Are they or aren’t they? It’s the million dollar (or ten dollar, depending on your perspective) question. No, I’m not talking about whether or not Brangelina is FINALLY getting married or if Broadway baby Kristen Chenoweth is really dating Bachelor baby Jake Pavelka (which, by the way, is a true story); no, I’m referring to whether or not two already overpublicized celebrities are hoping to stay relevant by stocking their uteruses with babies.

The first? Jessica Simpson. Remember when Jessica Simpson was a virgin? Yeah, that was a long time ago. She’s not only no longer a virgin, but she’s actually having babies out of wedlock. Wonder what Papa Joe has to say about that. Oh wait, Papa Joe’s 34-year marriage is ending, possibly because he’s having inappropriate relations with male models, so I’m not sure he has much room to judge.

Unlike her father, I’m not so worried about Jessica’s soul—mostly because I don’t know her—but I do feel badly for her and her inevitable weight gain. She was absolutely crucified for the weight she gained while pregnant with daughter, Maxwell (if the press was going to crucify her for anything, shouldn’t it be for naming a GIRL, Maxwell?), which I think was grossly unfair. Who cares if she gains weight? All women gain weight while pregnant—some just gain (a lot) more than others. Personally, I don’t care if she gets fat again, that’s her prerogative. I just wish that, if she’s going to be such a miserable-looking pregnant lady, she’d stay home and save us from having to share in her misery.

A pregnant Jessica Simpson is a painful sight to behold.

Remember this?

Number 2 is Kate Middleton (there’s a terribly juvenile joke there, but, no, I must keep going). This “is she or isn’t she packing an heir” crap has been circulating since the day after her wedding to Prince Baldylocks. Although, let’s be honest, they’d been living together for years. Nothing happened on their wedding night that hadn’t happened plenty of times before. The only thing the wedding did was make what would have previously been a shameful secret, into a future king (or queen). Bravo.

Honestly, I figure a Waity Katie baby is inevitable—I mean, that’s her one job—so I’m fairly ambivalent about the whole thing. I’m sure, though, that Waity is crossing her fingers and toes (although not her legs) that she’ll soon be hearing the pitter-pattter of little feet running down the castle halls, as it will mean she’ll have yet another excuse to do absolutely nothing. She’ll FINALLY have a legitimate reason for staying home (not that she needs one; she pretty much does whatever she wants). After all, without her, who will make sure that the nannies are raising her child(ren) correctly?

So, whether or not she’s finally a breeder is completely inconsequential to me. I really only used the baby topic as an excuse to talk about what really matters: Kate’s new hair, or more specifically, bangs (or fringe, as they say in England). Have you seen this? Yikes.

It's so heinous and yet women across the globe are asking for this exact cut. That Kate Kool-Aid is strong stuff. 

 She's clearly been taking lessons at the Princess Diana School of Looking Wistful.  

Good job, Duchess. You took the one thing that made you slightly attractive and ruined it. Nicely done. I kind of feel sorry for her. Oh wait, no I don’t.