Anything’s Possible

So…I’m just going to say it. It will probably make me sound crazy—a few of you may even judge me—but I feel that it needs to be said.

Is the Deficient Duchess really pregnant or is it all just a giant scam?

There. I said it. Judge away. But keep in mind that it wouldn’t be the first time a royal family did something weird and underhanded to perpetuate a specific image; and this whole baby situation just seems a little too convenient, a little too perfect, if you ask me.

I know it sounds pretty incredible, but hear me out before you dismiss me as another tinfoil hat-wearing loon.  

You may decide that it’s not such a crazy proposition after all.

1. The Case of the Instant Fertility

a)      This girl was skin and bones. She had not an ounce of fat on her. Not an ounce. I’m not saying skinny girls can’t get pregnant, but it usually takes a little work – especially when the skinny girl in question has been on birth control for at least 10(ish) years, which I assume is the case here. But this pregnancy seemed to happen without any struggle at all, at the most opportune time, like it was planned that way. This makes me suspicious. 

No babies on board here.

b)       The Duchess and I are about the same age, so I don’t think it’s out of line for me to say that, while Waity and I are by no means old, in child-bearing years we’re bordering on senior citizenship. You see, a woman’s child-bearing years are a bit like dog years. After a certain age, every calendar year that passes equals the loss of 7 easily-knocked-up years. Eggs get old, they shrivel up, and then they die. Every single month. It really is a sad story. The point is, fertility decreases as we age. Fertility also decreases when you have .05% body fat. (This is something, by the way, that I do not have in common with Kate Middleton.) So you expect me to believe that this skinny minny, on the wrong side of 30, decides she’s going to get pregnant and BOOM! it happens? It seems highly unlikely, but maybe that’s exactly what happened. Maybe princesses really are born under a luckier star than the rest of us. Actually, Dolittle’s life up until this point sort of seems to prove that out.

2. The Case of the Missing Bump

Is it just me or does the size of her bump fluctuate more than what’s normal? Sometimes she looks a tad bit pregnant and other times, not so much. My boss is pregnant, and pretty much every day she looks, well, pregnant. But look at these pictures of Waity from the St. Patrick’s Day parade—one taken last year and the other, last week. It’s the same coat. The only thing that differs is that in one she’s allegedly 5 ½ months pregnant. Yet, somehow, she looks EXACTLY THE SAME in both pictures. Granted, coats can camouflage things, but this must be a magic coat because it makes her baby disappear! 

   2012                                                            2013               

Sure, a woman’s weight can fluctuate, but does the baby’s? The size of the placenta? The amount of amniotic fluid? All the things that make a pregnant woman’s belly grow? Shouldn’t these things remain rather constant? The answer is yes. (Trust me; I once worked for a lung doctor.) So why, then, does Kate’s bump fluctuate so much from event to event? I don’t know. It’s a mystery. 

3. The Case of the Vanishing Morning Sickness

Do you remember when the news broke that the Tepid Twosome was about to become a threesome, or more specifically, why the news broke? It was because the Delicate Duchess had to be admitted to the hospital for debilitating morning sickness. Sure, she had just days before been playing field hockey (in heels), but, because I’m such a kind person, I was willing to sort of overlook that. Maybe this was the kind of life-threatening morning sickness that comes on suddenly, months after you actually start gestating the child. 

  Quick! Someone call a doctor. The Duchess is looking quite ill!   

I have a harder time believing, however, that this is the kind of morning sickness that is so bad that it puts you in the hospital, and then miraculously disappears less than a week later, never to return again. The kind of morning sickness that only lasts long enough to “force” you to announce to the world that you’re fulfilling your heir-producing duty. It all sounds a little too convenient to me. So sick that she had to be rushed to the hospital—and an announcement had to be made—but well enough to go shopping and vacaying. 

From what I’ve read, the morning sickness that Kate allegedly suffered from knocks women out for months; oftentimes, it’s something that they deal with for their entire pregnancies. But Little Miss Sunshine snaps her fingers and poof! It’s all gone. Either she was born under the luckiest star imaginable (which, again, I’m not ruling out) or something’s rotten in the Palace of Buckingham.

Look, she could very well be pregnant. In fact, the unfortunate face puffiness that she’s been sporting recently leads me to believe that it’s a distinct possibility (or that she’s been hitting the bottle too hard). All I’m saying is that there are things, many of which are detailed above, that give me pause.

But, then, I love a good conspiracy theory.