Ribs, Tires and…Babies?

Proving yet again that her uterus is the only part of her that actually does any work, the Deficient Duchess is once again the Vomity Duchess. That is, she’s pregnant.

And vomity.

It was precisely her tossing of the cookies (that she never eats) that prompted the palace to make an announcement that a) yes, Kate is in fact gestating a spare for the heir and 2) she probably isn’t going to be able to keep any of her upcoming engagements – including her “much-anticipated” solo trip to Malta – because she’s, yet again, suffering from debilitating morning sickness. Poor dear.

    When it comes to another royal baby, George and I are obviously of a similar mindset.     

There are several schools of thought on why the pregnancy announcement was made before Kate hit the all-important 12-week mark. One is that Her Pukiness didn’t feel like fulfilling any more work obligations this year, so she got the ultimate doctor’s note to excuse her absence. (I may be the only pupil at this school, but I still think it’s totally valid). A second thought is that, as Scotland prepares to vote on whether or not they’re still interested in being United with the Kingdom, news of a baby is bound to sway them to vote yes. Who doesn’t love a royal baby? They’re magical. Like unicorns.

And yet a third theory is that, as the SGP prepares to celebrate the big 3-0, Kate was thrown into a jealous rage at the thought of not being the center of attention for even one second.  Her rage was made even worse when news broke that, upon his 30^th birthday, Sweet Ginger and his brother would be inheriting their beloved mother’s wedding dress.

With the advent of the Katenia era has come less and less mention of the late princess. Still, Diana remains popular among the masses; she is “the people’s princess,” after all. Positively tying oneself to her memory is never a bad thing, and this is exactly what Kate did when she agreed to wear the sapphire monstrosity that had once adorned the blessed hand of her late mother-in-law. And the ring’s done well for Kate. It certainly garnered her a lot of attention – at least in the beginning. But you know what’s bound to get even more attention? Diana’s wedding dress. It’s bigger. It’s fluffier. And it’s, arguably, more famous. But wedding-dress attention does Middleton no good. She didn’t design it. She didn’t bedazzle it. And she certainly didn’t wear it. So how can she possibly squeeze her admittedly very tiny self into this situation? Unfortunately for her, it seems that she can’t.

And this is a problem.

There is only one thing that could overshadow the sentiment (and gaudyliciousness) of the duchess’s ring - and, therefore, the duchess - and that is the pearl-encrusted fluff that is Diana’s wedding dress. (Does anyone else start craving marshmallows while viewing Charles and Diana’s wedding? No? Just me?) Listen, I get it. It was the 80’s. I’m an 80’s baby. I dressed myself – incredibly badly – in the 80’s. There are photographs that I wish would take a long walk off a short pier. It wasn’t an attractive decade. It was totally rad, but it wasn’t attractive. Point is, I understand the 80’s effect. That said, this wedding dress has a whole lot going on. Diana practically got lost in all the poof and circumstance.

Is anyone else reminded of a Puffalump upon viewing this picture?
Maybe it was the inspiration behind them.

Until recently, the dress has stayed safely out of the duchess’s orbit - never threatening to overshadow her greatness – by being tucked away at the Spencer family home, leaving only to embark on its periodic tours of the world. Incidentally (as my grandma would say), the fact that this dress has been on world tours in an official capacity means that this inanimate object has pretty much worked as hard as the duchess. Maybe harder.  

But I digress…

Diana’s will decreed that when the clock strikes midnight on September 15^th (SGP’s 30^th birthday), ownership of her wedding dress be transferred to her boys. This means that the hibernating memory of the princess will be front and center yet again. Or would have been. Except now all anyone can talk about is another royal baby. Genius, no?

As for the dress, the hope is that the boys will allow it to stay at its home at Althorp, where Diana devotees can continue to feast upon its awesome 80’s-ness. And, based on no factual evidence at all, I would assume that William and Harry will do exactly that. After all, aside from the obvious sentimentality, I can’t imagine why the boys would want to have it in their physical possession at all times. For one, it would be a logistical nightmare. I mean, where are they going to store it? I don’t think the whole of Kensington Palace is large enough to house such a big-boned garment. And it’s not like it can be repurposed and worn again (although I’m sure her bridesmaid’s dresses could be; all bridesmaid’s dresses can be).

On the other hand, maybe they will decide to keep it in their home, and draw up some shared custody-type agreement. Heck, maybe they’ll even decide that it can be worn again. In fact, maybe that’s precisely what the boys have in mind.

I wonder if Harry’s going to request that his bride wear his mom’s wedding dress in much the same way that Will requested that Kate wear the ring.

If that’s the case, then yikes.

You know how much I love me some Harry, but that Norman Bates-type request might be a deal breaker even for me.

Maybe.

On the other hand, I do look good in fluff.