Dancing King

So, Dancing with the Stars premiered Monday night. Normally I don’t watch the show, mostly because I find that their use of the term “star” is about as loose as Kim Kardashian’s moral code, but this season I may have to make an exception. Why, you ask? Two words: Donald Driver.

  The face that launched 1,000 (+) votes    

Oh, yes, my friends. The man with the smile that would make Farrah Fawcett jealous is now also a dancing fool. Fortunately, he’s had some rug-cutting practice, thanks in large part to his innumerable opportunities for touchdown dances and Lambeau Leaps as a Green Bay Packer. I’m obviously fairly biased—as Donnie Boy is without question my favorite Packer—but I thought he gave a respectable debut performance, especially compared to the other football players who have danced their way to victory on the show. Actually, I find it rather odd that NFL stars do so well on this show considering a large part of their success is viewer votes. I have a hard time imagining hardcore football fans also being hardcore DWTS fans—trading their beer cans for tap shoes—but what do I know? 

Now that we’ve established that I have no idea what I’m talking about, let me tell you one more reason I think Double D has a good chance: He’s a man. Stick with me because it’s not as sexist as it sounds. The male stars always seem to have an advantage over the women. Why? Because the viewer’s eye is automatically drawn to the female dancer, be she star or pro. After all, the women are the ones in the blingy costumes, and let’s be honest, you just can’t compete with sequins. So, if your eye is automatically drawn to the sparkle, whoever is the best dancer beneath the sparkle has the best chance of winning, right? Right. And that, my friends, would be a female pro.

In closing, I would like to say to Donald’s partner, Peta Murgatroyd, on behalf of Mrs. Driver and myself, please keep your hands off our man. Ms. Murgatroyd got a little handsy with her partner during the reading of their scores Monday night—touching the Don’s chest and rubbing his stomach. I was incensed…for Donald’s wife, of course. In fact, if I see any drawback to Donnie Boy’s newfound DWTS fame it’s that a whole new fan base will now discover and love him. (How could you not love a man whose smile envelopes the entire television screen?)

   Donald (seen here with his handsy partner, Peta) is dancing his way into America's heart.  

So, hear this (and pass it on) ATG Nation: Hands and hearts off. I called dibs on #80 years ago…

for his wife, of course.