On the Topic of UFOs, Big Foot, and Gluten Allergies

Jennifer Lawrence is an idiot.

And worse than just being an idiot, she’s an idiot with a very large platform from which to spew her idiocy.

And even worse still, people are actually listening to her. Like she actually knows what she’s talking about. Because, you know, healing Peeta with some weird voodoo herbs in The Hunger Games pretty much makes her a medical expert.

JLaw knows best. Just ask her.

But, wait. Let me back up.

Jennifer Lawrence, a woman who’s famous solely for archery and braid-wearing (and, more recently, for nude photos and dating Gwyneth Paltrow’s husband), apparently fancies herself a bit of a health guru as well. In fact, she’s so medically gifted that she can diagnose you as having an eating disorder without having ever met you or even knowing you exist. She demonstrated this skill in a recent Vanity Fair article when she said that the gluten-free lifestyle was just “the new cool eating disorder, the ‘basically I just don’t eat carbs.’”

Impressive, no?

And, seriously, when did avoiding carbs become the same thing as voluntary starvation and/or purging? I’ve been trying to avoid carbs since the 90’s; I wasn’t aware that I had an eating disorder. Maybe I should check myself into a clinic of some sort.

Unlike me, however, and the rest of you gluten-avoiding folks, JLaw just isn’t about the eating disorders, but she IS all about the carbs. She loves carbs almost as much as she loves sexting. And to prove this fact, she dropped a little gluten-filled nugget into the interview about how she had started that very day with spaghetti and meatballs.

So, you see, because Jennifer Lawrence doesn’t suffer from any type of gluten sensitivity, allergy or intolerance, it simply doesn’t exist. Sorry celiac sufferers. It’s all in your head. You need therapy, not diet modification. A few sessions on a shrink’s couch and you’ll be able to ingest all the pasta, bread and beer your little heart desires.

Makes sense, right? Totally medically sound advice.

Listen, I don’t have celiac disease, which I am exceedingly grateful for. (By the way, Dr. Jennifer, in case you were unaware, celiac disease is an autoimmune DISEASE, meaning your body actually attacks itself, making gluten quite dangerous to celiac sufferers, but why get bogged down in facts?) I am, however, fairly sensitive to gluten – which you can read very briefly about here – and therefore try to avoid it. But you know what I get for my incredible display of will power and bravery? (Hey, if Kate Middleton can be brave for having a baby belly the day after giving birth, I can be brave for forgoing gluten.) I get judgment - and lots of it. I can’t tell you how many eye rolls and derogatory comments I get when I’m asked why I’m passing on the company pizza party or friend’s birthday cake. In the past week alone, I’ve had at least three different people tell me that gluten intolerance isn’t a real thing. I’m assuming these people got their information from the same place that the CDC got theirs when they said that we shouldn’t worry about Ebola here in the States. (I’m not saying we should or shouldn’t be concerned about Ebola; I’m just saying that the CDC sure is singing a different tune now.)

Sure, some people choose not to eat gluten because it’s a trendy thing to do, but for a lot of people, it’s not a choice. Like, for instance, when it could literally kill you. I mean, who would choose to encounter such judgment on a daily basis? Not to mention the inconvenience – to both you and anyone who makes the unfortunate decision to host you for dinner. Those glutenous boogers are everywhere, and they’re oftentimes hidden, like in licorice and soy sauce, so just forget about eating out. With very few exceptions, restaurants are just a fond memory once you hop the gluten-free train.  

Sounds pretty fun, doesn’t it? I can see why it’s so trendy. I mean, seriously, would I much prefer to be able to participate in gluten-filled activities? Yes. A hundred times yes. But you know what I prefer even more? Being able to button my pants, which becomes nearly impossible with the Gluten Gut™ – a joyful combination of distention, constipation, and all manner of other thrilling abdominal issues. (You’re welcome for that visual.)

Let me be clear: I haven’t stopped eating gluten because it’s fun, because it’s cool, because it makes me skinnier, or because I enjoy engaging in forms of dietary self-flagellation. No, I do it because it makes me healthier, which should be the goal for all of us, right?, even those among us who are self-important, egocentric, judgmental, ignorant, overpaid actresses masquerading as dieticians.

And you know what we who are trying to make ourselves healthier absolutely don’t need? To be judged and belittled in the public square for our choices – especially when they’re not particularly easy choices to begin with.

But enough about me. The point is, Jennifer Lawrence is an idiot. She needs to just shut up and take her gluten-indulging self back to District 12 where it belongs.

That’s my view, at least. But maybe it’s just my gluten-deprived brain talking.