You Are What You Eat

I don’t really understand the appeal of food-eating contests. I like to enjoy what I’m eating. The idea of gluttonously stuffing yourself to the point of puking seems rather, for lack of a better word, unpleasant (unless it’s Thanksgiving, then I totally support the decision). And, really, what does winning prove? That you have a very large stomach and no gag reflex? Where exactly does that go on your resume?

A Florida man, however, took overeating to a whole new level recently, and paid the ultimate price. No, not with his dignity. With his life. But it wasn’t hotdogs or hoagies or Ho Hos that 32-year-old Edward Archbold indulged in. It was bugs. Roaches and worms, to be exact. Not-so-surprisingly, after the competition ended, Archbold didn’t feel so well and soon found himself puking it up backstage. Ah, the perils of fame. I’m sure Steven Tyler has been in a similar situation a time or two.

The good news is Archbold won. The bad news is it killed him. Of course, in those few glorious moments after being declared the winner, he had the opportunity to savor the fact that he had just won 500 million dollars. Okay, maybe it was only 100 million dollars, but it had to be some kind of giant cash prize, right? Why else would you stuff yourself full of LIVE, gooey insects? (If you’ve ever stepped on a roach, you know exactly what I’m talking about.)

Turns out there was no monetary reward. No new car. Not even a gift card to Applebee’s. The prize? A python. Seriously, a python. I mean, not to be insensitive, but if the roaches hadn’t killed him, the python probably would have.

Reportedly, the python will now go to Archbold’s estate. This means that someday it will probably belong to his daughter, for whom, all joking aside, this is a huge tragedy. But, although she’s been left fatherless, at least she has a giant, deadly snake to remember him by.

And, at the end of the day, isn’t it just nice to know that the snake will stay in the family? Otherwise, all of Edward’s hard work would have been for nothing.