Love Is Blind. And Deaf, Apparently.

Giving credence to the old adage that there’s someone for everyone, Kimye – that’s Kim Kardashian and Kanye West for those not up on all things Kartrashian – are officially tying the knot on Saturday. In Florence. Via Paris. (Maybe they don’t understand that Florence and Paris aren’t in the same country?) And as the wedding participants begin their European takeover, I would like to take this opportunity to extend my sincerest condolences to all in the path of the Kimyecane that is hurtling its way towards your fair land. Perhaps representatives like this are the reason people think Americans are so awful.

I haven’t much been keeping up on the upcoming nuptials of this egotastic couple – because, well, I don’t really care – but there are a few vomit-worthy items worth noting.

Remember around the time of The Royal Wedding (which I capitalize as a sign of respect; it was, after all, the most important event of our time, of any time really), E! wrote that asinine article comparing the Kardashians to the British Royal Family? (If you don’t, and who could blame you for blocking such madness from your brain, you can read ATG’s recap here.) It was after reading this article that I became thoroughly convinced that someone – or many someones – needed a nonstop bus ticket to Rehab Town. No one in his right mind could possibly think this was a valid comparison, so the only logical explanation is that someone – or many someones – was on some major mood altering (or intelligence altering) drugs. Hard to imagine that this could be the case in L.A., right? I know.

But you know who apparently didn’t think this was such a crazy comparison – or who may be sharing the same mind-altering drugs? Kim Kardashian. In fairness, the Kim Kardashian/Kate Middleton comparison was the only one that I could almost agree with E! on.

And apparently Kim is so convinced that she’s America’s answer to the Middletons (which, again, I’m not entirely disputing) that a) she decided that she would have her wedding at France’s most famous royal residence and b) she commissioned Kate’s wedding dress designer, Sarah Burton, to make her a similar wedding dress – only sluttier.

The "regal" couple at a pre-wedding event.

Kim’s first choice for wedding destination was the Palace of Versailles. Yes, you read that right. Apparently Kimpee thinks that being reality TV “royalty” equates to being actual royalty. Sorry, hon, but Marie-Antoinette you ain’t, despite the similarly large hair and overall hatred by the masses.

Not so surprisingly, Kimye was denied the honor of marrying in the house that Louis built, because, well, they’re just not quite important enough. 

And since I know you’re simply dying for more details, here are a few more tidbits about this royally ridiculous wedding:

      

•  Although the duo won’t be wed at Versailles, they will be hosting their rehearsal dinner there. They will then jet off to Florence where they will be married in a fort, the Belvedere to be exact. I’m told this is dissimilar to the tree forts that we had as kids, but having never been to the Belvedere I can neither confirm nor deny this assertion.

• It is a widely held belief that Jay Z will act as best man; but as far as I can tell, any man standing next to Kanye West is the best man – or at least the better man. Amiright? Was that rude?

• The Italian Army has allegedly been called in as security for what’s being reported will be a guest list of 3,000. Seriously, does the military have nothing better to do than protect these two pretentious snobs and their equally as pretentious friends? Does anyone really care enough about Kimye to endanger their lives/safety? That seems like an awful lot of work with very little payoff at the end.

• Kim’s stepbrother Brody Jenner will reportedly not be in attendance. I thought perhaps he was choosing to stay away so as to avoid the embarrassment of being associated with this disaster. Then I remembered that he was on The Hills. Embarrassing disasters are kind of his thing.

• The dress. The dress that just had to be designed by the same blessed hands that designed the dress of another famous royal. The dress that had to mimic the design of that aforementioned royal, with just a few alterations - namely, a deeper V in the front (to show more boob) and a more skin-tight design (to show more, well, everything). Yeah, that dress cost a reported TWO MILLION DOLLARS. And she’s not even sure she’s going to wear it.  I can’t. I just can’t.

As more and more details emerge about this wedding – the extravagance, the opulence, the huge price tags – I’m reminded of the phrase “lipstick on a pig.” But of course I would never say it out loud.

That would be rude.