Something Bad’s About To Happen.Or Maybe It Already Did.

So, NBC has a new Sunday Night Football theme this year. Unfortunately, it still stars Carrie Underwood, but, while her previous performances seemed to simply be Faith Hill reboots, this year the bigwigs at NBC seem to be going for something a little fresher, a little dancier, a little less Faith and a little more Carrie (a decision, by the way, that I do not support; Faith was exponentially better in her SNF intro). And to this, my friends, I say, they have failed. In a big, big way. This was a bigger fail than Crystal Pepsi or, for you Millennials, Brangelina’s marriage (more on that later).

But because I’m such an optimistic person (notwithstanding that Brangelina comment), let me start with the positives: Carrie’s legs look incredible. Truly. And, well, that’s it. Carrie’s legs are all it’s got going for it. Obviously her diehard commitment to endless lunges and squats –and spray tans – has really paid off.

Now, perhaps the producers were betting on these tanned, toned legs being enough to distract the average football-loving, puberty-reaching, beer-chugging viewer of Sunday Night Football from noticing the rest of the catastrophic performance. But I am not so easily swayed. (I don’t even drink beer.) In fact, all I can feel when I watch this “performance” is embarrassment for Carrie. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure the billions of dollars NBC paid her to look like a moron is softening the blow a bit, but, seriously, what is even happening here? Is she supposed to be dancing? Skipping? Shimmying? Because all I can see when I watch it is a woman who appears to be in the throes of a minor seizure. I want to call her an ambulance, not settle in for an enjoyable evening of football.

And does it strike anyone else as odd that for a musician, she doesn’t seem to have much rhythm? And by “not much,” I mean none. She looks like a three-year-old trying to clap along to her Raffi tape (did I just date myself or what?!), with no concern for the actual beat.  

I just don’t get it. But, because I would never be so bold as to tell such an intelligent and discerning group as the ATG Nation what to think, I leave it to you beautiful people to form your own opinions.

You may begin.