Will the Real Waste of Space Please Stand Up?

Oh, Kanye.

Kanye, Kanye, Kanye.

I thought that we had seen all that your arrogance and self-righteousness had to offer. I thought that now that you were a married father, your egomaniacal ways might lessen. I even thought that I may have been unfair to judge you so harshly in the past.

I thought wrong.

Way, way wrong.

SO wrong.

Proving yet again that he is, without a doubt, one of the sorriest excuses for a human being to ever breathe air, Kanye West, at a recent concert, refused to continue performing – that is, do his job – until the entire arena was on its feet. That part isn’t so bad, I guess. Performers request crowds to rise all the time. They don’t demand it, mind you; they don’t refuse to proceed with the performance until it happens; but they request it.

Granted, the way Kanye handled it was much more egocentric and narcissistic – as is his way – but if these concert-goers are stupid enough to pay money to attend one of Klassless Kanye’s concerts, I suppose they get what they get.

What I can’t imagine anyone anticipating, however, is what happened next. So, Kanye demands that everyone stand up and, because the world revolves around him, he refuses to continue the show until he sees EVERY SINGLE PERSON standing. So when he notices one person with the audacity to remain seated after being commanded by the great one to rise, he takes aim. He zeroes in and will not let up. In fact, it gets so bad that the arena erupts into a chorus of “Stand up! Stand up!” punctuated by boos. And, yet, this concert-goer continues to be the epitome of disrespect by absolutely refusing to stand.

The audacity. The insolence. The blatant disrespect. What possible reason could someone have for NOT standing when commanded by his majassty, the King of Krap, and an angry mob of Kanye-loving Aussies?

There isn’t one good reason.

Not one.

Okay, well, maybe there’s one good reason. The concert-goer in question? Yeah, he was in a wheelchair.

It’s not that he wouldn’t stand up; it was that he couldn’t stand up.

But even the testimony of those around the wheelchair-bound fella was insufficient evidence to absolve him of his heinous, treasonous crime. In fact, it wasn’t, reportedly, until Kanye’s own bodyguards checked the situation out themselves and confirmed that yes, barring a miracle, this kid wasn’t going to be on his feet anytime soon, that the anointed one finally carried on with the concert.   

What I found most surprising after watching the video, wasn’t that Kanye made a huge ass out of himself; no, that was to be expected. In fact, if Kanye’s talking, he’s probably saying something really stupid. What I found most surprising was how many people were actually at the concert. It looked like a fairly full house. Do you think they actually paid money to be there? Perhaps Australia is not yet hip to the fact that Sir Sucksalot is a giant joke.

As an addendum to this story, immediately after demanding the wheelchair-bound man to rise, Kanye attempted to walk on water.

He drowned.

Bum's the Word

There’s big news coming out of Australia following the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s visit last month. It’s pretty earth-shattering. Hope you’ve taken your heart meds. Ready?

Kate Middleton has a bum – or butt, if you’re not feeling particularly delicate today. Not only that, but German tabloid, Bild, has recently published a photo in which the royal rear is on full display.

I know. It’s shocking.

It would be more shocking if we hadn’t seen it over and over. And over. In fact, given the number of “wind-blown” moments the delicate duchess has had, I’m wondering if perhaps she doesn’t understand what wind is or how it works.

Or perhaps, more likely, she is under the misconception that nature is so overcome by her awesomeness, much like the rest of the world, that it simply cannot function when in the presence of her greatness; that wind ceases to blow when she’s around simply because it forgets how to.

Except, here’s the problem, it wasn’t even real wind. It was artificial wind, produced by a helicopter. I can’t imagine that Kate is unfamiliar with the effects that helicopter blades can have on one’s modesty – I’m fairly certain this wasn’t her first encounter with such a machine – but, even if she was, don’t you think her husband, a helicopter pilot, might have encouraged her to hold her flimsy skirt down as she crossed paths with the wind machine? It’s a fair assumption that he at least would understand the dangers of such a strong breeze, even if his poor wife was ignorant of them. I assume this is precisely why he’s chosen not to pursue a hairpiece despite his rapidly disappearing follicles.

Apparently sometimes she's capable of remembering...

Listen, I’m not a totally heartless beast. The first time Kate’s skirt went sky high, I felt compassion. The second time Kate’s skirt went sky high, I felt pity. The third time Kate’s skirt went sky high I felt that perhaps she wasn’t the brightest diamond in the tiara. But now? Now I just feel bored. It’s almost as if she’s doing it on purpose, because it’s not, as has been argued, out of her control.

Do you know how I know that it’s not out of her control? The Queen. The Queen has never, to my – or the internet’s – knowledge, exposed her royal bum (either accidentally or intentionally) to a mass of innocent bystanders. And do you know why? First, because she’s way classy; and second, because she weights her skirts. If even I, a lowly American commoner, am privy to this information, I have to imagine that Kate is as well. Surely someone in Kate’s life has recommended this trick to her. Would it not then behoove her to perhaps try this tact as a way to keep her private bits private?

And speaking of private, can someone please explain to me how publishing these pictures – something that many media agencies have refused to do – is an invasion of privacy? It may be in poor taste, but it’s certainly not an invasion of privacy. Taking pictures of the Deficient Duchess with a long-range camera lens as she sunbathed topless at a private villa, that was an invasion of privacy. Snapping a photo at a public event where there was no legitimate expectation of privacy? Nope, sorry, no invasions here. The fact that Kate chose not to wear much/any underwear to a public event is on her, not the photographer. This is a 32-year-old woman who has been living in the public eye for over a decade. If she hasn’t yet learned about the dangers of the paparazzi – or wind – the Firm has way bigger issues to contend with than one butt picture.

Perhaps when the Queen requested that Kate wear longer skirts on her trip abroad, she should also have requested that Kate wear some type of undergarment. On the other hand, perhaps she assumed that this went without saying.

You know what happens when we assume though, Lizzie: It makes an ass out of you and Kate.

And it makes Kate’s ass a trending topic on Twitter.  

You Must Have Been a Beautiful Baby

The year was 2001. The show was Survivor. The season was The Australian Outback. And the boy (because there’s always a boy) was Colby Donaldson.

I loved Colby Donaldson – and everything named Colby by extension: cheese, the computer with the missing memory, my pet duck (who may or may not have been named for the Survivor), everything.

I must admit that I was slightly disappointed when, after Survivor, old Colbster made the oh-so-cliché move from small-town Texas to the bright lights of Hollywood in order to pursue an acting career. I was even more disappointed to learn that he can’t act. At all. (I would assume casting directors were a bit disappointed by this as well.)

Lucky for him, he’s pretty, which is probably why he’s had marginal success as a TV host. Whatever the reason, I’m always pleasantly surprised to find his baby blues on my TV.

 We could've put a boring old picture here, but he's just SO MUCH BETTER in living color, don't you think?   

And today, my friends, the handsome lad with the limited acting ability, perfect teeth and boyish good looks turns, wait for it, FORTY.

Yikes.

I feel old. I bet he does too.

It’s a good thing some of us just keep getting better with age, huh, Colby?