An Open Letter to Blue Ivy Carter

Dear Blue Ivy,

So... the day we all knew was coming is finally here.  And on father's day eve.  That's going to be one story that is never gonna get old, huh?  Oy.

We know what you're thinking.  It's going to be a long rest of your life being forced to be BFFs with little-name-yet-unannounced-baby-girl-Kimye.  It must be ringing in your ears "forever-ever-ever-ever".

On behalf of us here at ATG, we are truly sorry for you but there is a silver lining.

"But how is this possible?" you ask.  "I've been whining at Daddy J and Momma B for months!"

Well, Blue... we aren't particularly proud of this little life lesson.  In every girl's life you, on occasion, need a friend whose mere existance serves to make you feel better about yourself.  The at-least-I'm-not- her friend.  Our advice?  Let baby Klassy Kardashian-West be that friend.  It will be good for you.

Feeling a little down?  Don't worry.  Call up Klassy for an instant ego boost.  Let us examine the top five reasons:

Klassy's mom, hard at work.

1.  This is Klassy's mother.  A reality tv star- an oxymoron, no?  And her mother is two weeks away from being Weight Watchers/Jenny Craig/Slimfast/liposuction's newest paid celebrity endorser.  Kinda a far cry from your mother- a songstress, fashion designer, and spokes model.

A Google search of Kanye West Ridiculous Outfit broke the internet. 

2.  This is Klassy's father.  He has a messiah complex and refers to himself as Yeezus- aye Dios.  Not exactly the same as your father- a rapper, self-made man, co-owner of the Brooklyn Nets, and future sports agent.

Quick!  Kim and Kanye- start hawking a facial hair remover for babies.  Call it Klean-Up for Kidz!

3.  Her parents will sell her baby pictures to a tabloid for millions.  Your parents quietly released a few snaps via tumblr.

Not Klassy's Father.

4.  Both of little Klassy's parents have sex tapes.  We don't want to ruin your innocence but you know what happens in your diaper after too much apple juice?  In Aunty Kim's tape, she was the diaper.

Again, not Klassy's father.

5.  Your parents were married to each other at the time of your conception.  Klassy's mom was married to another man... no not the man in the sex tape.  A man she married to boost the ratings on her reality tv show... that last sentence is going to buy more than one shrink a Maybach.  

And just remember... at least Kim and Yeezus had a girl.   Because if it has been a boy, her low-rent, social climbing parents would have arranged a marriage faster than you could say dowry.

IT COULD HAVE BEEN SO MUCH WORSE.

Love,

The Girls at ATG

P.S.  We hear your parents pay $1 million a month for your nannies.  Call us.

Duchesses... They're Just Like Us!

(warning:  this is a two-for-the-price-of-one-groan-post)

#1.  They get their heels stuck on grating!

Oh, the indignity!

But you know how you know duchesses aren't just like us?  When we, the flotsam and jetsam of the universe, get our heel stuck on grating it doesn't land in the number nine spot of Yahoo! trending search terms.

Be sad for humanity.

#2.  They wear the same coat... twice!

Wait, what year is it?  One doesn't know... One just got back from vacay.  Oh, that doesn't help. (It is in fact from 2012).  

Again, you know how you know duchesses aren't just like us?  The wear the same coat a year apart.  We wear the same coat a day apart.


And for those of you active bump watchers, there isn't much to see.  Check out this bump-friendly photo from St. Patrick's Day 2013 below.

No, one did NOT just eat a large lunch.  One doesn't eat lunch.  Ever.

2013: Year the Celebrity Baby is Officially Over

We here at ATG are officially calling it. Celebrity babies are sooooooooo last year.  Why? Literally everyone who is anyone has an accessor-baby.  Evidence: Kim Kardashian (or Kimpee as I like to call her).

I wonder how Kimpee will broach the topic of ratings-based marriage and urination-based sex tapes with her little bundle of joy?

 And what is her first post-expecting news outfit of choice? A spiderweb so skimpy the spider would starve to death. Real klassy, Kimpee.

This woman is going to be influencing the decisions of a little one.

Oh, and good news! We can look forward to even more sluternity wear in the future because Kimpee isn't experiencing any morning sickness. Perhaps she can trade tips with the Vomity Duchess???  And the Vomity Duchess can give Kimpee tips on how to let her family design a line of baby products based on the famous father of their future grandchild.  I see a new set of trans-Atlantic besties!

I think it's high time to admit that the Kimye's offspring, sometimes referred to as the Kash Kow, is just a down-market version of Jayonce's adorable bundle of joy, Blue Ivy.  The Kash Kow is the Designer Imposter version of rapper baby.   I feel sorry for Beyonce.  She's going to have to endure years of play dates between BI and KK.  Don't worry B.  We're all sighing with you.