It Won't Cost Much. Just Your Voice.

You’d be forgiven for not knowing this since it got so little attention, but Meghan and Harry recently sat down for an interview with Oprah. It allowed them to finally spend two hours publicly feeling sorry for themselves explaining the true impetus behind Megxit. 

I watched until the bitter end of this insufferable trainwreck for you, ATG Nation, and, surprisingly, I actually learned a thing or two along the way. So, let’s start at the very beginning; a very good place to start. But, first, a warning: Better get your protective gear on; we’re about to drop a truth bomb or 20.

Before we get started, though, let me provide the foundation on which this entire mess is premised: Meghan’s life is very, very hard. She, and to a lesser extent her husband, is the only victim in this fairytale story. Please keep this in mind as we continue our journey together. Okay, now on to those bombs I promised – and lots of other fun tidbits:

• The Loathsome Twosome’s PR people hate them. It’s the only logical explanation. Why else would they have allowed this assault on human decency? If this interview was meant to make these two more sympathetic, it was a major fail.
• Meghan is pregnant with baby number 2. (Truly, I’ve been paying so little attention to these oxygen suckers that I didn’t even know this.) Spoiler alert: It’s a girl. I’m thinking they will not be naming her Kate.
• Oh, and speaking of Kate, remember that story about Meghan making Kate cry at a dress fitting for Princess Charlotte prior to the Sussexes’ wedding? Yeah, according to the UnreMarkleable Duchess, it was actually the other way around. Kate actually made her cry. But, Meghan says, Kate apologized and sent flowers and did all the things Meghan herself would have done if in fact she had made Kate cry. But it wouldn’t be fair to continue discussing it, she says, as she continues to discuss it.
• The Gruesome Twosome have rescue chickens. I didn’t even know this was a thing.
• The UnreMarkleable Duchess doesn’t have internet and/or know how the internet works. How do I know this? Deductive reasoning. (That LSAT prep continues to serve me well.) According to The Megs, she knew very little about Harry, his family, how the Firm operates or even what she was getting into prior to being thrown into her new life. This is part of the reason she was so unprepared/ill-equipped to deal with her new reality as a princess. I call bullshit on this. I don’t believe for a second that she didn’t do some research while the two were “courting,” as she called it. Not to mention, by her own admission, she was friends with Princess Eugenie, Fergie’s daughter, before ever meeting Harry. You mean to tell me this didn’t give her some insight into what royal life was? I mean, if anyone knows bad press, it’s the York sisters. 
• Everything bad that has ever happened to Meghan since joining the Firm, nay, in her entire life, is because the world, and especially the royal family, is racist, small-minded and jealous. There is literally no other reason that anyone could criticize such a perfect creature. Harry is also quick to call out the rest of the world family for being giant racists. I guess he forgot about that time he dressed up as a Nazi. 
• Oh, and FYI, speaking of Harry, that’s no longer his name. Going forward, he is officially known only as “My Husband”™ (or MH, for short). Yes, we get it Meghan. He’s your husband. You don’t have to keep marking your territory. We remember.
• The UnreMarkleable Duchess ends pretty much every sentence with “right?” in yet another inauthentic affectation. Is she looking for confirmation from Oprah or does she simply think that everything she says is so complex and sophisticated that Oprah may be having trouble keeping up? Probably both.
• Meghan did everything “they” told her to do while living under the watchful eye of the palace, including, but not limited to, always replying “no comment” when asked about her life with a prince. She was always tight-lipped. Always. Oh wait, except for that one time when she did a Vanity Fair cover story almost entirely about her relationship with My Husband™ (who, at the time, was still only My Boyfriend).  
• The Firm is full of liars who failed to protect Meghan from the bigots of the world. The Gruesome Twosome are literally the only two honest people on earth.
• The Megs loves the queen but not-so-much Kate, who is a total monster. She never explicitly says this about Kate, of course, but it’s obvious this is what she thinks by the fact that she never really answers a question about their relationship, instead choosing to make thinly veiled references to the Deficient Duchess’s monster-like behavior and then employing the “no comment” smirk.
• The UnreMarkleable Duchess may be a terrible actress but she’s very good at playing the victim.
• The royal family is racist. Did I mention this? And because they’re racist, they care nothing for Meghan or her well-being. In fact, they never even asked her how she was holding up or if she was okay as she navigated this new life. Makes perfect sense. Except, wait. Does the royal family ask any of its members if they are okay? Did they ask Kate? Diana? Or did the institution just expect them to put their big-girl panties on and get to work? I think it’s probably more likely that the royal family doesn’t value the emotional well-being of anyone – stiff upper lip and all – but that doesn’t fit the narrative that Meghan had a much tougher time than anyone else ever has, mostly because of the color of her skin.
• It was the royal family, not the Loathsome Twosome, who decided Archie wouldn’t have a title or security – because, of course, he’s biracial and the royals are racist, which is a topic Oprah just can’t seem to get enough of. She was basically salivating at the fact that the royals were bigoted assholes, and would ask as many leading questions as it took to get to this answer. It was during one of these digressions that Meghan revealed how, prior to Archie’s birth, MH had a conversation with members of his family regarding how dark Archie’s skin would be/what he would look like. Meghan clearly implicates (though not explicitly) Princes William, Charles and/or Philip in this conversation but says she can’t confirm who had these conversations with MH because it would be “very damaging to them.” So she’ll just let you use your imagination. It’s kind of genius. She basically assassinates all of their characters without calling out anyone by name.
• Turns out that the above conversation(s), however, took place, not while Meghan was pregnant with Archie, as she led us to believe, but way prior to his birth, meaning before he was even a gleam in his mother’s eye, meaning while the Gruesome Twosome were still only dating. Is it awful to discuss what the skin color of MH’s babies would be if he chose to marry a biracial woman, especially if the purpose of said discussion was to dissuade him from this choice? Of course. It’s disgusting. But it’s somehow even more offensive when you think it took place while the UnreMarkleable Duchess was gestating MH’s baby. Being able to attach that conversation to Archie’s sweet, innocent face makes those who engaged in it even more deplorable, which is probably why Meghan chose to frame it that way. Also, she’s a giant liar.
• The Deplorable Duchess is very critical of the royals for allowing presumptions – correct or otherwise – about her monster behavior to be perpetuated in the media instead of shutting it down, saying that they failed to protect her. Ironically, however, she has absolutely no problem doing this exact same thing to other members of the family by smirking, nodding, and using her quiet voice to drop hints about their terrible, racist behavior, but then refusing to discuss it. She’ll just let you draw your own conclusions about what garbage people they are. Do as she says, people, not as she does.
• The world doesn’t like the Disingenuous Duchess because of our deep-rooted prejudices. As proof of this, Oprah highlights various news headlines that have run over the last few years attacking Meghan for the color of her skin. One of these headlines referred to Meghan as “trailer trash.” Really? If trailer trash is offensive to any race, I’d say it’s Caucasians. But, honestly, I don’t think it’s racist at all. It’s just super derogatory. And the media said plenty of derogatory things about Kate in the run-up to her wedding, highlighting her commoner origins and less-than status. Admittedly they didn’t use the term trailer trash, but considering Kate is English, I don’t imagine the American idiom would have had the same effect.
• Although the Despicable Duchess reminds us several times that she didn’t read or watch any of the negative press about her, didn’t see a lick of it, it was that very negative press (that she didn’t read or watch), she says, that made her life virtually unlivable. Listen, I am incredibly sympathetic to those struggling with mental-health issues. It can be an insurmountable challenge and one that shouldn’t be minimized; however, the UnreMarkleable Duchess willingly entered into this lifestyle. And she did so as an adult, a self-proclaimed independent woman. I don’t buy for a second that she didn’t know what she was getting. And, if she truly wasn’t following the press stories, how did they affect her so strongly? I call bullshit. Again. To act like she was totally blindsided by all of this is so disingenuous. But that’s Meghan.
• The Disingenuous Duchess continues to be a terrible actress as she cries fake, though well-placed tears, without any actual liquid. It happened several times, including while discussing the mental-health crisis referenced above – and, specifically, an event attended by the Loathsome Twosome during which they clung to each other in their sadness. She was reminded of this upsetting moment, she says, when she saw a picture from the event and noticed the duo’s white-knuckled grip of each other’s hands. Except, wait, you can’t even see their knuckles in the picture. It’s all fingers. Fingers and dry tears. I just can’t with her. She’s so fake.  

  

  Uh, it doesn't even look like they're holding on to each other that tightly.

• MH is also a garbage person. He’s so very entitled. Apparently, he thinks he should continue to be taken care of by the Firm despite the fact that he’s not actually a working royal any longer. I’m pretty sure it was decided years ago that non-senior members wouldn’t get security protection. But for some reason, MH doesn’t understand why he was stripped of his security despite his change in status. This just confirms what we already know: He has no actual grasp on what real people go through. Can you imagine demanding that an employer that you no longer work for, and that you publicly shamed, continue paying your salary and providing benefits to you? Yeah, me neither. Not how things work in the real world. Of course, MH’s never had to live in the real world.

• Oprah seemingly spent the entire interview reveling in the opportunity to call out the world’s allegedly racist behavior. Case in point, here’s a paraphrased interaction from the interview:
• Harry: I knew that my dating, and having a girlfriend, would draw a lot of attention. 
• Oprah: Because she’s mixed race?
• Me: No, you dumb cluck, because he’s PRINCE HARRY. Every girl he has ever dated has gotten loads of attention – and they were all white (except for Chelsy Davy, who was sometimes an unfortunate shade of orange). Additionally, Kate, also white, has always been hounded by the press. You can’t date one of the world’s most eligible bachelors and not expect for it to garner attention, regardless of your skin color. GTFO, Oprah. I see you – and your agenda.
• As you may have guessed, because the Loathsome Twosome are victims of the world, it’s probably not surprising to hear they think they were completely unsupported by the Firm. Because, again, racism. It’s a totally fair claim considering all the support that Princess Diana got and the fact that Fergie’s missteps were completely hidden from the media. Oh, wait…
• Charles stopped taking Harry’s calls for a time. These are the juicy tidbits I came here for. I wanted more of this!
• The UnreMarkleable Duchess thinks she’s The Little Mermaid, a princess who lost her voice in order to marry a prince, but got her voice back in the end. Gag. Me. It was obvious that she thought this was a profound revelation. Oprah seemed less impressed.
• The Firm hates The Megs, not only because they’re racist assholes, but also because they’re jealous. Meghan was just too darn good at her “job.” See: the Sussexes' Australian tour.

  

  Exhibit A

• MH has always been “trapped” in his very privileged life of servants, castles and unlimited opportunities. He just didn’t know it until he met the Disingenuous Duchess.
• The Sucksasses needed their Spotify/Netflix deals because the cold-hearted, unfeeling royals cut them off. To this I say, again, why wouldn’t the royal purse stop supporting them? They are no longer working royals. The Gruesome Twosome continue to amaze me, expecting special treatment and crying bigotry when they don’t get it. It may be a good way to shut the conversation down, but I don’t find it to be a winning argument. Oh, and, although the royals may have stopped supporting the Worthless Twosome, let’s don’t forget that MH received millions from his mom’s estate. Paupers they are not, despite their greatest efforts to frame themselves as such (from their Santa Barbara mansion). Meanwhile, many, many people truly are in financial peril, especially in the wake of the COVID crisis. Ugh, as if I couldn’t dislike these two more.
• MH is quick to clarify that he and The Megs are “not complaining” about their current plight in life, as they spend two hours, um, complaining about their current plight in life. Well, complaining about their current plight and disparaging MH’s entire family. I don’t imagine this will do much to mend the divide.
• The Gruesome Twosome take no accountability for anything that’s happened up until this point. No, their entire plight is the fault of the royals, who so unceremoniously pushed the Sussexes out of the family. MH and his wife didn’t want to leave England. No, they were more than happy to stay in their taxpayer-funded mansion(s). They just didn’t want to work anymore. It was those mean royals who demanded they contribute to the family or get lost.
• And finally, the UnreMarkleable Duchess may no longer be performing in scripted dramas, but she’s 100% still an actress. Her current role: victim. Finally she’s found a role she’s good at. I guess it helps to not have even one genuine bone in your body.

After subjecting myself to two hours of this drivel (who’s the real victim here?), I’ve come to the conclusion that this was not an honest interview. I don’t think for a minute that things went down the way they say. In fact, I think the Gruesome Twosome is fabricating a lot of the horrors they say they experienced behind castle walls. Here’s why: The queen is a classy lady; she’s not a vindictive bitch. And she protects her family. I don’t believe for a second that she would have stripped MH and The Megs of their HRH titles, patronages, and security – and allowed the family feud to become so public – if the two had behaved as maturely and respectfully as they represent. No, I have to imagine there’s a whole lot more to this story – things that don’t fit well into the narrative that the Sucksasses are the true victims here. Additionally, there were just so many stories about their bad behavior and, although I’m sure some were fabricated or exaggerated, I just can’t believe that there’s that much smoke without at least some fire.

In conclusion, and as I’ve said a million times before, disliking a person of color is not, on its face (no pun intended), racist. Does racism exist? Of course. Are there people who don’t like the UnreMarkleable Duchess because she’s biracial? Absolutely. Are some of these people likely in the royal family? I wouldn’t doubt it. But are there also legitimate reasons not to like The Megs? Yes. And shutting down every conversation by labeling every critic/criticism as racist does nothing to advance the conversation. Contrary to the story these two are trying to tell, Meghan isn’t actually perfect. There are reasons to not like her that have nothing to do with the color of her skin...and this interview provided quite a few more.

And if you disagree with me, it’s only because you’re a misogynist. [Insert laughing emoji here.] I kid.

Anyway, as with pretty much everything else the Gruesome Twosome does, this interview was a major fail. It just reinforced everything I already believed about them: they are a spoiled, entitled, egocentric, hypocritical duo. And for two people who say they just want to live a normal life out of the spotlight, they sure seem to court media attention at every opportunity.

Listen, I do sincerely hope that the UnreMarkleable Duchess finds a way to live happily ever after with her once-handsome prince. I just wish she’d do it quietly.

The End.

Hypocrisy, Thy Name Is Sussex

Oh, friends. Another day, another flub by the surprisingly inept Sussexes. I was honestly trying to warm to this deficient duo. I had nothing but love for Meghan’s reported decision not to frantically and obsessively return to her pre-baby body, instead wanting to illustrate an honest post-pregnancy journey. When the entire world is watching – and judging – your appearance, that takes real chutzpa (especially when your sister-in-law has a magical body that returns to its original size in 5.7 seconds). In fact, I was just about to write a post on her new potential likeability (well, maybe “likeability” is too strong a word, but she had definitely moved onto the likeability spectrum) and then we went through another news cycle, which brought with it another huge Sussex-sized fail and the knowledge that, despite my greatest efforts, they are just impossible to like.

As you may recall, not that long ago our favorite royal family to judge – comprised in part of the UnreMarkleable Duchess and her tantrum-throwing hubby, the SGP[1] – made headlines for not only being totally incompetent in pretty much every way, but also HUGE planet huggers. This meant, they said, that the newly minted family of three would likely stay that way. That’s right, Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor’s dad confided – in a Vogue article, no less – that, in an effort to protect our most precious planet, the Sussexes would only be having the one kid, maybe two, because, you know, children consume resources and create carbon dioxide (or something. I didn’t actually read the article). They were cheered for their selflessness. Generations to come would bow at their green altar; and history books would herald their dedication to the environment, their commitment to saving the planet one (never-born) person at a time. 

The Three Musketeers

Personally, I think the fact that Meghan just turned 38 indicates that biology – or the fact that they already used every possible name on their first kid – may have played a bigger role in this decision, but who am I to question such altruism? I mean, it really hits you right in the feeler, doesn’t it? Someone give this dynamic duo the Nobel Peace Prize for their courage and sacrifice.

Oh, but wait. Slow down.

It’s never quite that simple, is it?

Turns out these two environmental darlings aren’t so environmentally conscious. Or darling. No, it seems that the loathsome twosome (and their one and only kid) recently used a not-so-environmentally-friendly private jet to return from a holiday in Ibiza and then, as if that wasn’t bad enough, just days later, took another private jet from London to Nice (on another vacation). According to an estimate by the BBC, these two trips alone produced six times more emissions than the average Brit does in an entire year. Sorry, what? Does this mean that the Sussexes don’t actually practice what they preach? I mean, bear in mind that this is the same duo who, less than a month earlier, posted a quote from Harry on their official Instagram account, highlighting the importance of environmental awareness – and the role each of us must play. It read: “With nearly 7.7 billion people inhabiting this Earth, every choice, every footprint, every action makes a difference.” 

It sure does make a difference, Harry, which is why you would think such a concerned person as yourself would make more environmentally friendly decisions. But that’s not really how it works, is it? In fact, while these concerned citizens of Earth are breathlessly calling for the outlaw of straws, procreation, hairspray and cows, they are also simultaneously using multiple private jets to hop around the world from lavish vacation to lavish vacation.

What’s the definition of hypocrite again?

But it doesn’t stop there. This extravagant, planet-killing travel choice came just weeks after Harry attended, via private helicopter (allegedly), a Google-sponsored summit. In Sicily. On climate change. Let me just stop for a second while you marinate on that nonsense.

To be fair, he wasn’t the only one whose hypocrisy was on full display that day. No, turns out that many in this environmentally-friendly group of mega-rich folks, which included Katy Perry, Chris Martin, Nick Jonas and, of course, everyone’s favorite hypocrite environmentalist, Leonardo DiCaprio, had also taken private jets and mega yachts to the meeting. Do these people truly have no self-awareness? I can’t. I really just can’t.

But I digress…

On the one hand, I kind of get why royals feel the need to fly private. After all, I can imagine that flying commercial might be tough for people who are so incredibly famous. I mean, I don’t even particularly like it, and I certainly don’t have to worry about anyone invading my personal space – at least not any more than that miniscule plane seat requires. Plus, I have read that when the British Royal Family flies private, it is usually by borrowing a wealthy friend’s plane. And in this particular instance, the wealthy friend in question is none other than Elton John. This means that, at the very least, the Sussexes didn’t spend tens of thousands of pounds of the British taxpayer’s money on their climate-killing trip. (Unfortunately for the British public, they didn’t get so lucky when the privileged pair chose to remodel their new home, Frogmore Cottage, to the tune of several million.) Still, does it not seem somewhat hypocritical? This is a couple that seemingly takes every opportunity to tell you how you should be living your best green life…and then jets off in a private plane. In the immortal words of Pierce Morgan (a sentence I never thought I’d write), this dud-like duo is “saving the planet, one private jet at a time.” Pierce and I don’t have many shared opinions, but I would have to agree that, in this case, the optics weren’t great.

In fact, as far as I can see, the only preservation efforts these two have ever truly taken – i.e., the only indications that they truly care about the environment – are a couple of photo ops in Africa and a promise not to pollute the planet with babies. Eh. Does that even count? I give this “effort” a C- at best, much like Meghan’s acting ability. Listen, I’m sure the two mean well (maybe), but this planet-saving passion rings a bit false to me. Am I being unfair? I mean, it is possible. After all, I don’t really like them.

Here’s some evidence that I am being unfair: the Sussexes certainly are not the first or only members of the BRF to fly private, nor are they unknown to fly commercial. And in some ways, as mentioned above, it makes total sense for royals of all varieties to travel Elite Class. For starters, I’m sure there are many, many security concerns on a commercial flight. And scheduling issues. And luggage. And kids. And, well, pretty much everything else that you and I do all the time, never realizing what hardy stuff we’re made of. We’re like the early pioneers. The problem with this argument is, of course, that royals do fly commercial. Even the British royals fly commercial – and they are, obviously, not only better than you and me, but also better than every other royal family in the history of the planet they’re so desperately trying to save.

Here are the Cambridges - and their nanny - on Thursday after having deplaned their commercial flight from England to Scotland en route to visit the queen at Balmoral. (Inset: The UnreMarkleable Duchess trying to sneak onto her climate-killing private jet.)

Please note how Princes William and George - both future kings - carry some of their own luggage, with George trying to grab more from his dad. Authentic moment or brilliant PR move? Either way, I'd say this family's PR people are waaaay more competent than the in-laws'. 

Anyway, the point is, the BRF flying commercial is not something that is totally unheard of or impossible to make happen. And, when one of your main platforms is saving the environment, especially from the evils of climate change, shouldn’t you do everything in your power to prevent changing the climate with your private jet-fuel emissions? And, if you truly believed in such a cause, wouldn’t you insist on limiting your carbon footprint, even if it makes your life a bit more difficult? (It’s not like either of these two has a problem being inflexible when they really want something.) It is, after all, what they think you and I should be doing. All I’m saying is, it looks just a bit disingenuous to lecture all of us on our duty to protect the environment and then hop on a private luxury liner, knowing full-well that it will undoubtedly be spewing climate-endangering exhaust all along the way. Unless of course this is a magical plane, much like Charlize Theron’s (another great champion of Earth), which was undoubtedly fueled entirely by vegetable oil and angel farts.  

Surely it can’t really come as a surprise to these spoiled spouses or their (out-of-touch) celebrity supporters, then, that the public is reacting negatively to this latest misstep. I mean, when you set yourself up as champions of a cause, you can’t be shocked when there’s backlash to behavior that seems counterproductive to that very cause. Of course, this is the Sussexes (and their [out-of-touch] celebrity supporters) we’re talking about; the Sussexes, whose behavior up until now seems to indicate that they think they are much, much better – and smarter – than everyone else. Maybe they thought we would all be so awed by their greatness that we wouldn’t notice their hypocrisy. And, boy, do the Sourpuss Sussexes know how to do hypocrisy. These are two of the most vocal members of the BRF[2], nay, the world, about their passion for saving the planet, and yet they refused to fly commercial, an exponentially more environmentally-friendly decision. Seriously, are their PR people asleep? Or have they simply been fired? Hopefully if and when the undynamic duo finds a new royal mouthpiece, said mouthpiece will remind these two that (a) standing for something means that sometimes you have to make sacrifices by choosing option A even when you really, really want to choose option F (as in major PR Fail); and (b) if you’re unwilling to do that very basic thing, then it starts to look a little like those things that you say really, really matter to you don’t actually really, really matter to you.[3]

Still, though I think it’s pretty clear that neither of this privileged pair has come out looking particularly good here, I dare say that this was a bigger PR fail for the duchess. Let me explain: The SGP is still cashing in on the goodwill created by his mom and grandmum. That goodwill is, admittedly, running low, especially after asinine behavior like this, but the account does appear to still contain some funds. For now. The UnreMarkleable Duchess, on the other hand - and as we’ve discussed - started behind the goodwill eight ball. This means that MM really needed a win here. She didn’t get it. And not only was this a giant fail, but, for those of us who have been questioning the duchess’s authenticity pretty much since the courtship of Archie’s father began, it would have been nice to see her – and her gingersnap husband – show some truly authentic strength of conviction. But it didn’t happen. And not only that, but this tone-deaf and ostentatious behavior does very little to silence those critics who are convinced MM is in this marriage solely for the luxurious lifestyle it affords her. Well, the luxury and fame – as long as the fame is entirely on her terms (see, e.g., reports that, when at Wimbledon this year, the demanding duchess insisted that an entire section of seats be left open for her alone, and that no one, absolutely no one, be allowed to take her picture. Yep, she’s super down to earth and relatable).

Anyway, the point is, this debacle didn’t do much to soften the view some of us more judgmental folks may currently be sporting about this caustic couple. Still, even I can admit that, to the duchess’s credit, for a D-list actress, she has really perfected that sanctimonious, “better-than” celebrity attitude; you know, the one that requires the little people to “do as I say, not as I do.” After all, it’s pretty obvious that this “elite” group doesn’t want the rules they wholeheartedly support to apply to them; no, those restrictions are for everyone else. Yes, it’s really quite impressive how quickly the UnreMarkleable Duchess was able to slip into her superior-acting role, easily embracing the elitist mentality of her famous friends. And it’s even more impressive when you consider that up until about five minutes ago, her biggest accomplishment in life was a supporting role on a cable show. Oh, how quickly they forget. So, on second thought, maybe she’s not a hypocrite at all. Maybe she’s just a forgetful person who innocuously forgot that she cares about the environment. Maybe what she needs is not a strong dose of self-awareness, but simply some ginkgo biloba to help improve her brain function and memory.

Sure, and maybe Hayden Christensen will finally learn how to act.

No, I think it’s much more likely that the UnreMarkleable Duchess and her tantrum-throwing hubby are hypocrites of the highest order, which is why today, my friends, hypocrisy’s name is most definitely Sussex. 

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[1] I must admit, I’m almost ready to retire this moniker. There’s nothing about the Sweet Ginger Prince that seems particularly sweet anymore. 

[2] Admittedly, Prince Charles is also a giant hypocrite when it comes to the inconsistencies between his climate-championing lectures and his environment-killing actions, but he’s just too boring to even write another word about.

[3] Also, just as a little aside, if you’re unwilling to do it, you sure as hell better not be telling me that I should do it. If it’s such a great idea, you go first.

Turn Around, Bright Eyes

And the hits just keep on coming.

Yes, my friends, the UnreMarkleable Duchess continues to do pretty much everything wrong. Not only because she’s a monster – allegedly – but also because she’s entirely too ill-equipped and self-centered for her current position as duchess (and, let’s be honest, the self-awareness bar doesn’t appear to be particularly high for duchesses). I almost feel sorry for her. I imagine she thought the world would automatically and instantaneously love her, merely for existing, in much the same way it did her Cambridge counterpart. The poor dear probably thought that the Middleton mania we’ve found ourselves in for the last 10-ish years would easily translate into Markle mania, meaning that Meghan, like her sister-in-law, wouldn’t be able to do anything wrong in the eyes of the public. Even if she did pretty much everything wrong.

Boy, did she misjudge that one.

As ATG mentioned not so long ago, Meghan has not received the Middleton treatment. She has been consistently slammed in the press, with not one single misstep being politely overlooked. Now, please don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying people shouldn’t point out how terrible she is at her job – I, myself, have done it on multiple occasions – I’m only saying that this brand of judgment has not been applied evenly across all duchesses (in the mainstream media, that is; ATG judges everyone equally). No, there is never any lack of stories highlighting the UnreMarkleable Duchess’s complete ineptitude. In fact, it seems to be everyone’s favorite topic. And today, my friends, we jump upon that bandwagon. But, because it’s incredibly hard to pick only one of the duchess’s major fails, today we bring your attention to three. What can I say? We’re givers.

You’re welcome.

The first of today’s tantalizing tales concerns Meghan’s outrageous spending habits, something that, it has been pointed out, might be acceptable for a “celebrity” – and I use the term loosely – but not so much for a royal. Yes, Meghan appears to prefer that her “work” clothes be designer duds. And, obviously, her penchant for high-end threads hasn't gone unnoticed. As I’ve said over and over about Katemazing, when all you give people to judge you on is your appearance, you can’t be surprised, or offended, when they do. Anyway, the point is, the UnreMarkleable Duchess isn’t terribly cost-conscious when it comes to, well, anything. And, as with everything else she does, it hasn’t taken long for her lavish spending to quickly be compared to Kate’s “frugality” (despite the fact that the Deficient Duchess just showed up to an event last week in a pair of Jimmy Choo shoes, but whatever) because, remember, Kate’s very down-to-earth. In fact, she’s just like us. Anyway, I’ll admit that I did briefly entertain the thought that perhaps Meghan was being unfairly criticized, see Kate wears designer shoes and really expensive accessories, but then I heard about a “study,” which came out earlier this year, and which calls out ranks European royals by their budget-busting, coupon-spurning ways. Not so surprisingly, given the lead-in to this sentence, Meghan was the first-place winner of this unfortunate contest, which means that she is by far the most egregious offender in a group that, let’s be honest, isn’t exactly known for its frugality (except for Kate). (In other news, the fact that this study even exists – and I’m writing about it – leads me to the express conclusion that the extinction of all mankind is imminent.)

After scrolling through the results of the study, I realized that I was right about one thing: Kate did spend a lot on her wardrobe – maybe not by royal standards, but certainly by human standards. In fact, she spent over £68,000 ($86,000+) in 2018. What I was wrong about, however, was in thinking that Meghan had been unfairly maligned for her spending. Turns out, the criticism was much, much deserved. We’re not talking about a “mere” £10,000 more than Kate’s expenditures. Oh, no. The bill for Meghan’s 2018 wardrobe?

You ready for this?

Over £406,600, or, for our American readers, over $516,000. On clothes (and probably shoes and accessories as well). What? I’ll just let that sink in. But not for long, because there’s more. So much more. Hope you have your barf bags ready. It was also reported that, during the 75 engagements the duchess attended while pregnant (kudos to her for “working,” but boy did the Brits pay for it), she spent an estimated £634,000 (over $805,000) on maternity clothes. Since she was still barely showing towards the end of last year, I would venture a guess that most of these maternity duds fell into calendar 2019, not 2018. Which means, my friends, that, presumably, this $805,000 was in addition to the $516,000 she spent last year. Should I do the math for you? That’s over $1.3 MILLION. In less than two years. On clothes. But it doesn’t stop there. Turns out that for the three-day Moroccan tour she and her husband went on in April, the duchess put together a wardrobe ringing in at about £110,000 (almost $140,000).

Her Givenchy addiction is clearly part of the problem. 

I wonder if there's a 12-step program for that.

Sometimes I almost feel sorry for her because of all the negative press she gets. Then I read stuff like this and realize she doesn’t need my pity; what she needs is a huge shot of self-awareness. With a little humility thrown in for good measure. But I don’t think that’s going to happen. For a family that seems so concerned with image, you would think they’d try reigning the UnreMarkleable Duchess in a bit. All this opulence and ostentatiousness is doing little to silence her critics. Now, to be fair – and ATG is always fair – the fact that Meghan was a divorced American had her starting a bit behind the popularity eight ball to begin with, but she has done absolutely nothing to remedy the situation since joining the Firm. According to those in the know, she doesn’t follow the rules, she’s super high maintenance, she says hurtful things, and, it turns out, she’s also completely unrelatable and tone-deaf. I mean, there’s no way she was making enough money to live like this before marrying into the royal family. She was not, as the media likes to label her, a celebrity. In fact, I'd venture a guess that very few people even knew who she was - at least by name. If Lady Gaga had married into the royal family (can you imagine?), this behavior might be a little more understandable. But the UnreMarkleable Duchess is not The Gags. (Duh.) This is not her trying to maintain a previously held lifestyle. This is 100% her taking advantage of her new position – and the taxpayer’s purse. No wonder the queen feels like she can’t die; these are the fools she’s entrusting her legacy to.

But there’s more. Isn’t there always?

Not content with the countless teddy bears and gold-plated rattles Meghan’s sycophants fans were showering her – and her gestating baby – with, the UnreMarkleable Duchess also had to have a baby shower. In New York. Hosted by her “famous” “friends,” who happened to include Amal Clooney. The cost for this shindig (which was, in fairness, allegedly paid for by her friends)? Over $200,000. And that doesn’t include the cost for the private jet the duchess used to fly across the pond – costing a whopping $125,000 each way – though, at least one leg (maybe both) was paid for by her good pal, Amal.

Let me tell you all the things that are wrong with that previous sentence: (1) It’s bad, bad optics, regardless of who’s paying for it, to spend $250,000 on luxury transportation to, well, anywhere, really, but especially a baby shower in the States – especially when even having a baby shower is breaking with royal tradition to begin with and (2) does anyone really think Mrs. George Clooney would ever give Meghan, a c-level actress at best, the time of day if she weren’t married to a prince? I doubt it. I can’t imagine the Great Amal Clooney oftentimes finds herself associating with extras from Horrible Bosses.

In any event, all this spending isn’t playing so well with the British people. In fact, the UnreMarkleable Duchess was recently warned by royal “expert” (whatever that means) Jennie Bond that she needs to curb her “massively extravagant” spending or risk alienating her subjects. (I’m sure the “more than she already has” part was implied.) Obviously, Bond, Jennie Bond, doesn’t know Meghan – otherwise she would have presumably had this conversation with the duchess privately as opposed to calling her out in the most public way possible – so I’m guessing her insight is unlikely to bring about any changes. After all, I can’t imagine that Meghan’s particularly worried about what anyone this Jennie person thinks. Apparently the only opinion that really matters is the SGP’s (did you think I was going to say the queen? Yeah, you would think, but apparently not so much) and, somehow, the UnreMarkleable Duchess has convinced her husband that she is completely and totally infallible, meaning that Harry, her great protector, has now made it his sole purpose in life to ensure that “What Meghan wants, she gets!” – even if he has to scream directly into his grandmother’s face to get her to hand over the American Express Black Card.

Who could say no this face? 

Me. I could. But apparently the SGP doesn't have my strong constitution.

Still, Meghan may want to tread a little carefully, as, according to (my interpretation of) the second story we’re about to dive into, even her doormat protective husband may be growing a bit weary of her antics. Stop me if you’ve heard this. At the Trooping the Colour ceremony last week, as the entire royal family stood on the royal balcony so that the non-royal peons below could gaze upon their greatness for a brief second – and be grateful for every glorious moment of it – cameras caught Harry showing (according to me), for the first time in public (though I have to imagine it happens a heck of a lot in private) irritation with his wife. Let me set the stage for you (although there’s a video below). Meghan is standing in front of Harry and, because she has a full-on panic attack if she’s not touching him at every single second of the day, she continuously turns around to make sure he’s still there, in a manner not dissimilar to a toddler. Royal watchers allege that she turned around to ask a question, but I think my interpretation makes more sense. Anyway, whatever her reason for facing the prince, after what appears to be a brief exchange between the two, she quickly turns back toward the audience. But, then, a nanosecond later, she anxiously turns back towards her husband to, again, ensure that he’s still there. It’s at this point that Harry tells her, according to lipreading experts, to “turn around.”

Now, some who have watched the video (as you may have just done) argue that the SGP, as the duchess’s great protector, is simply helping her navigate a ceremony that is admittedly still relatively new to her, by encouraging her to turn around for the national anthem. It’s true that God Save the Queen does begin playing immediately after their exchange, but I’m not buying this saccharin-sweet story for a second. The look on the SGP’s face was not one of someone who is offering a gentle reminder; the look on his face said, “Why can’t she do anything right?!” I don’t know, Harry; I just don’t know. I also happen to think that, after this encounter, she looks, not like someone who is showing reverence for her adopted country’s anthem (as has been suggested by some), but like someone who has just been scolded by her father husband for failing to do the simplest of tasks, i.e., stay facing forward. I mean, even Prince George and Princess Charlotte, who are barely out of diapers, manage to handle this fairly simple request. But Meghan, an alleged adult, whose only job that day was to keep her body parallel to the balcony, couldn’t even do that. Where do they find these people?

Watch the progression...

The good news for Kate and her family is that, as the Sussexes continue to fail in pretty much every way, the Cambridges look more and more like the golden family they’ve always been purported to be. For instance, watch this sweet clip of the family during the same Trooping the Colour balcony situation. They look like a totally normal family – except way overdressed. Watch how Prince Louis reaches for his dad and then waves as the planes fly overhead; or how Kate absentmindedly plays with Charlotte’s hair, laughing at her children’s glee at all the pomp and circumstance. It’s actually all pretty cute. And normal.

And I don’t even like them.

If you watched the video to the end, (a) bravo, you get a gold star and (b) did you notice that Meghan is carrying a clutch? You can see it at the end, as she so inauthentically interacts with those children while leaving the balcony. So here’s my (non-rhetorical) question: Why on earth does the duchess need a purse if the furthest she’s traveling is out onto the balcony? I still don’t quite understand why royals carry handbags at all, but at least when your “job” has you leaving the house, it makes a little more sense. What I really can’t understand, however, is why Meghan felt the need to have a purse here. I get that she’s not technically at her house, but it is her grandmother-in-law’s pad. When I’m hanging out at my grandma’s house, I certainly don’t feel the need to carry my bag around with me. Do you think she doesn’t trust the staff? The family? Or perhaps it was meant to serve some purpose, like to cleverly hide a cheat sheet of royal protocol. You know, to make sure she didn’t break any of the rules. Oh, wait. No. She would have to care about royal protocol in order to worry about breaking it. So, obviously, whatever she was using her clutch to transport, that wasn’t it. Plus, one would think that if she had a list of dos and don’ts in there, she wouldn’t have consistently turned away from the crowd. I mean, one of the first rules every actor learns is that you never, ever turn your back to the audience. Her inability to follow this foundational rule explains not only why she’s an awful duchess but also an awful actress.

And speaking of Meghan being a terrible choice for her current job (were we speaking about that?), the final story on tap for today centers around, surprisingly, Prince Phillip, the queen’s husband and Harry’s grandfather. We don’t typically hear much from – or about – him, but there’s a new story making the rounds about how he warned his grandson not to marry the actress, saying actresses, especially ones with phony accents, are to be seen and not heard. Just kidding. What he’s actually rumored to have said is “one steps out with actresses; one doesn’t marry them.” To my mind, it wasn’t that she was an “actress” that made her a bad choice. I mean, Grace Kelly seemed to handle it fine. (Yes, I know her story had a tragic ending, but I don’t think that had much to do with her pre-princess occupation.) No, what made Meghan a bad choice was the fact that she was completely ignorant of the demands and limitations that come with being a royal – and apparently unwilling to learn them. Anyway, whatever his reasoning, it doesn’t seem like the SGP’s 98-year-old grandpa was entirely wrong about the UnreMarkleable Duchess being a bad choice for the family. Still, I would have to imagine that even Prince Phillip agrees that Meghan has done at least one thing right: she provided another son for the Windsor line. And that son was featured prominently in this photo, released in honor of Father’s Day, as he lay snuggly in his father’s arms.

Archie and his dad

Aww, how cute. And artsy. It may just be enough to curb some of the vitriol currently being hurled at the Sussexes. Until people find out how much Archie’s onesie cost.[1]

Let them eat cake, indeed.

---

[1] To be clear, I have no idea how much Archie’s clothes cost, but when his mom is throwing down $10,000 on designer gowns like Charlie Sheen does on hookers, I can’t imagine that she’s dressing him in Garanimals outfits from Walmart.

Speeding into Greatness

Okay, guys. Confession time. I know I’ve confessed a lot of things to you – because I love and trust you, ATG Nation – but, prepare yourself, because the shameful secrets keep on coming. Here it is: I kind of love Keanu Reeves. Not enough to make him a Boyfriend, mind you, mostly because I don’t find him particularly attractive (anymore), but, still, I do find myself with some love-like feelings for this aging pretty boy. This means, friends, that apparently my love for Keanu goes deeper than the superficial. I know what you’re thinking. I, too, am surprised that I’m capable of this level of depth.

A face I just cannot love. Apparently not everything gets better with age.

Perhaps my love for him stems from the fact that we share the same birthday (though not the same year, just to be clear), which means we’re not only both Virgos, but also both awesome people. I mean, obviously the affection I feel can’t have anything to do with his acting ability because, well, he has none. But, despite his lack of talent or an aesthetically pleasing face, I still heart the man. Perhaps it’s because I remember the good old days. You know the ones. The beautiful moment when you were first introduced to the so-bad-it’s-almost-good flick, Speed. Sure, the plot was terrible and completely unrealistic, but it had Sandra (or Sandy, as her friends call her, which, according to the restraining order, apparently I am not) in the role that propelled her into major movie-star status. It also had Keanu. So much Keanu. In a toddler-sized t-shirt. It was amazing.  

I give you Exhibit A.

To be clear, I’m not sure I’ve willingly seen any of his movies since Speed, although a friend did once subject me to The Matrix. I fell asleep. Then there was his cringe-worthy English accent in Dracula. Yikes. Between that and Winona Ryder’s equally bad acting accent, I spent the first half of the movie thinking it was an installment in the Wayans brothers’ Scary Movie franchise. It wasn’t. Anyway, the point is, the poor guy can’t act. But, that doesn’t really matter because, apparently, he’s a beautiful human being. I mean, who needs to be good at his/her job when, if the rumors are to be believed, he/she is a truly nice guy/gal. Like, really nice – at least by movie-star standards. I mean, how many celebrities are using their fame – and money – for good? Like, for instance, saving elderly widows from burning buildings while simultaneously baking lemon trifles for the homeless – or, at the very least, running a private foundation that not-so-publicly funds children’s hospitals and cancer research? And chivalrously offering his seat to women (okay, so maybe it was just one woman) on a packed Toronto subway? Guys, dare I say that this is Paul Walker-caliber stuff? If you’re wondering what makes some celebrities heaven-sent angels and others total asshats, that’s one unsolved mystery that ATG simply can’t answer for you. However, after reading about all of Keanu the Great’s do-gooder deeds, I was left wondering if, perhaps, it’s the overly generous portion of tragedy he’s been served that’s made him such a dang good person.

Hand to heart, I'm just a regular old fella. 

Except I'm also an amazing human being.

Please forgive the sad interlude, but it seems that any discussion of Keanu Reeves must include at least a brief rundown of some of his most tragedy-filled moments. For instance, his dad left the family when Keanu was three. His mom then spent the ensuing years moving his family all over the world; I’m talking multiple continents. There was so much moving in fact, that I’m pretty sure I heard (somewhere), that Keanu had been to four different high schools by the time he was 17. That’s when he finally dropped out – not necessarily because he was tired of trying new schools like Amy Schumer tries terrible one-liners, but because he wanted to be a superstar. (Who doesn’t?) And he was dyslexic. Neither of which was conducive to high-school greatness. But, really, who needs high school? It’s just a long, drawn-out, government-mandated popularity contest. Total waste of time. (Although, when it comes to popularity contests, I’d wager a guess that Mr. SexyPants did just fine.)

I've already voted this guy Most Likely to Make All My Dreams Come True

Anyway, the point is, Keanu’s first 17 years were tough. Still, I know what you’re thinking. Yes, these are all unfortunate things to deal with – especially as a young ‘un – but, they’re not particularly rare. I mean, lots of people deal with these exact same things every day. Lots of dads leave; lots of families move; lots of people are dyslexic. Totally agree. But consider that this series of unfortunate events was simply the foundation on which the following house of tragedy was built:

😢River Phoenix – remember him, he whose life came to a screeching halt at 23 when he overdosed in front of Johnny Depp’s Viper Room – was Keanu’s best friend. Losing a close friend, let alone your best friend, especially at a relatively young age and in such a senseless way, must be an incredibly tough reality. But it didn’t stop there.

😢 In 1998 (which sounds like it was yesterday, but apparently was many, many years ago), Keanu began dating aspiring-actress-slash-personal assistant, Jennifer Syme. It was a whirlwind romance, which is how Jenny found herself pregnant and engaged (to Keanu) the next year. A time for celebration to be sure. So, why, then, would such a happy family moment end up on this sad list? Because sweet baby Ava was born at eight months. And she was stillborn. Keanu and Jennifer broke up shortly thereafter.

😢 But the two remained friends, or at least friendly, until April of 2001, when, on her way (back) to a party at Marilyn Manson’s house, Jennifer was killed in a car accident. Keanu was a pallbearer at her funeral – and now she rests peacefully next to her infant daughter.

Jennifer and Keanu

I know, friends. It’s a lot. But, lest you think you’ve accidentally stumbled onto some morose, Shakespearean-type (minus the exceptional storytelling) drama, let’s focus on what inspired this post to begin with: Keanu is awesome. He could be an angry, bitter SOB given all the above. But he’s not. I mean, sure, he’s quite possibly a bit damaged, having chosen to never commit to another woman-slash-baby given his overindulgence of heartbreak, but he’s still a standup guy. That said, in case you’d like more evidence than just my impeccable instincts – I mean, have we ever steered you wrong about anything, ATG Nation? – listen to this firsthand account from a young James Dator, now a writer for SBNation. Yes, my friends, follow me as we travel back to the future (sorry, wrong teen heartthrob) to the faraway land of 2001, when a 16-year-old Dator was working at the box office of a Sydney movie theater. Imagine his surprise (and confusion) when a strange-looking man showed up in, according to him, “jeans, a leather jacket and a horse riding helmet. A full ass, weird equestrian looking helmet.” Dator said it took him a full 30 seconds to realize this strange fella was Keanu Reeves (and as those of you who have ever farted and/or said something stupid to a superior in an elevator know, 30 seconds can be an excruciatingly long time).

Not so hard to believe that this guy would show up in a riding helmet.

Dator found himself faced with a dilemma of epic proportions. He desperately wanted Keanu’s autograph, but hadn’t had enough time to concoct a fool-proof plan on how to get it. (Apparently 30 seconds is long enough to feel complete humiliation but not to figure out how to get a celeb’s Herbie Hancock.) Thinking – and I use the term loosely – on his feet, Dator offered Keanu his employee discount. Sounds like a bit of a strange solution to this unique problem, right? Actually, it was kind of brilliant – and I use the term loosely – because, had it worked, it would have required Keanu to sign the “employee discount” ledger, thereby unwittingly giving Dator his autograph. There was only one problem. It didn’t work. Because Keanu didn’t work there. This meant that, because he’s a major rule-follower (remember, he’s a Virgo), KReeves confusedly declined to accept the gift – or sign the ledger. The Matrix star gently reminded Dator – in case he’d suddenly been hit by a stroke of amnesia – that he wasn’t an employee and didn’t qualify for any discount. He was probably also thinking, dude, I’m a multibillionaire; I think I can handle the required $7.25 for entry.

This is all to say that Dator didn’t get his autograph. No, our fair Keanu simply went on his way, leaving a deflated – and embarrassed – Dator at his post. And that’s where the story would’ve ended if, as noted at the beginning of this post, Keanu wasn’t an awesome human being. As it turns out, just as Dator had begun to count the ways he was a total loser idiot and embarrassment to his family (maybe I’m projecting), the man in the horse-riding helmet returned with an ice cream cone – which, as it turns out, isn’t as weird as it sounds, because he also, fun fact, came bearing the receipt for said ice cream, after having autographed the back of it. He handed the receipt to Dator, saying that, after a moment’s reflection, it had occurred to him that the boy was probably less interested in giving the most famous man on earth (at the time) an employee discount, and much more focused on getting his autograph. So, without even being asked, he answered the boy’s unspoken prayer. (Too dramatic?) I mean, seriously, are you kidding me?! This guy is both kind and perceptive? Where do I sign?

But seriously.

Where?

Anyway, Dator says that, after handing him the autographed receipt, Keanu promptly threw the ice cream in the trash. (Yes, I know it was wasteful, but let’s focus on the good here.) Because he didn’t want it. He’d never wanted it. Keanu the Greatest had simply bought it, with no intention of ever consuming it, for the mere purpose of getting a receipt, i.e., something he could sign for a young fan who had been too embarrassed to simply ask for an autograph. (If you’re thinking ice cream was a weird choice, I agree; but, again, let’s focus on the good here.) It’s too bad they broke the mold when they made this one. We could use another 50,000 or so of this kind of goodness.

And as if that wasn’t enough to butter your bread, Mr. Amazing also seems to have the rare ability to laugh at himself, an attribute he exhibited in the Netflix film, Always Be My Maybe. I haven’t seen it – though it has been highly unrecommended to me – but I have seen this clip, which made me want to see more Keanu. The other folks, maybe not so much.

The point is, this guy is a kind, funny, self-deprecating, altruistic, multibijillionaire Virgo with incredibly good genes.

You see what I'm saying? Like really good genes.

Where do I sign?

But, seriously.

Where?

Summers Are for Block Parties

For those of you already feeling the Monday Miseries, dry your tears and feast your eyes (and ears) on this most delicious Day-Glo flavored, fanny-pack wearing, acid-washed gift of hair-crimped proportions. (In case it's not already obvious, this is an especially attractive gift for those 80s babies out there.) Hold on to your snap bracelets, folks; this is not a drill. 

Debbie Gibson.

Salt-N-Pepa.

Naughty by Nature.

Tiffany.

AND, the piéce de résistance...

New Kids on the Block.

All. In. One. Place.

Yes, my friends, these fine folks have come together to do the work of the 80s gods by giving us mullet-loving, cone-bra sporting folks a gift that truly keeps on giving: a collaboration for NKOTB's new song, 80s Baby. I could tell you all about it, but really, why don’t we just let the music do the talking?

So, without further ado, here’s 3:41 of deliciousness that will almost certainly help take your mind off those Monday Miserables.

You’re welcome.   

P.S. Apologies for the video's upsettingly large amount of Jenny McCarthy. (Meaning, she makes two appearances.) There’s really nothing I could do about it. Believe me, I tried.