The Envelope, Please

With the Oscars just a few short hours away, this girl couldn’t be less excited. Given my love of judgment, you would think I’d love awards shows like LeAnn Rimes loves stealing other people’s husbands—given that there’s no lack of things/people/behavior to judge—but mostly I just find them stale and predictable (unless, of course, Ricky Gervais is hosting). Seriously, how many awards shows (i.e. opportunities to pat themselves on the back) does Hollywood need? They all take themselves far too seriously as it is.

No, I just can’t get excited about it. Will it be George or Brad, Meryl or Michelle? Who cares? Besides, we already know: with few exceptions, it will be the exact same people who won the Golden Globe. And as I’ve mentioned a time or two, I have no respect for an organization that rewards mediocrity, such as Natalie Portman and Nicolas Cage, but has no love for the Deppster.

An award I can get behind, however, is the Razzie. The Razzie Awards are spectacular, as they “reward” actors, actresses, screenwriters, etc. for their suckage. (Actually, I suppose they’re not entirely unlike the Oscars in that respect.) Some call them mean-spirited; I call them honest. This year’s nominees include Kristen Stewart for Twilight, Adam Sandler for Jack & Jill, and Nicolas Cage for three films. You can’t argue with that level of truth. You just can’t.

“Winners” will be announced on April Fool’s Day and I, for one, am thoroughly looking forward to it—not only because I enjoy the pure judgment of it, but also because the varying reactions of the nominated celebrities say a lot about their character and how willing they are to laugh at themselves.

Below, you’ll find a complete list of Razzie nominees. Who gets your vote? Do you feel any of the nominations are unfair or unwarranted; would you add or replace any nominee; or are you -- like me -- thinking the Razzie organization couldn’t, with only a few exceptions, have gotten it much righter?

WORST PICTURE

• Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star 
•  Jack & Jill 
•  New Year’s Eve 
•  Transformers: Dark of the Moon 
•  The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1

WORST ACTOR

• Russell Brand – Arthur 
•  Nicolas Cage – Drive Angry: 3D, Season of the Witch and Trespass 
•  Taylor Lautner – Abduction and The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1 
• Adam Sandler – Jack & Jill and Just Go With It 
•  Nick Swardson – Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star

WORST ACTRESS 

• Martin Lawrence (As “Momma”) – Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son 
•  Sarah Palin (As “Herself”) – Sarah Palin: The Undefeated 
•  Sarah Jessica Parker – I Don’t Know How She Does It and New Year’s Eve 
• Adam Sandler (As “Jill”) – Jack & Jill 
•  Kristen Stewart – The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1

WORST SUPPORTING ACTOR

• Patrick Dempsey – Transformers: Dark of the Moon 
•  James Franco – Your Highness 
•  Ken Jeong – Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son; The Hangover: Part 2; Transformers: Dark of the Moon; and Zookeeper 
•  Al Pacino – Jack & Jill 
•  Nick Swardson – Jack & Jill and Just Go With It

WORST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

• Katie Holmes – Jack & Jill 
•  Brandon T. Jackson – Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son 
•  Nicole Kidman – Just Go With It 
•  David Spade – Jack & Jill 
•  Rosie Hungtington-Whiteley – Transformers: Dark of the Moon

WORST SCREEN ENSEMBLE

• The Entire Cast of Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star 
•  The Entire Cast of Jack & Jill 
•  The Entire Cast of New Year’s Eve 
•  The Entire Cast of Transformers: Dark of the Moon 
•  The Entire Cast of The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1

WORST DIRECTOR

• Michael Bay – Transformers: Dark of the Moon 
• Tom Brady – Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star 
• Bill Condon – The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1
• Dennis Dugan – Jack & Jill and Just Go With It 
•  Garry Marshall – New Year’s Eve

WORST PREQUEL, REMAKE, RIP-OFF OR SEQUEL

• Arthur 
•  Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star (Rip-off of Boogie Nights and A Star Is Born) 
•  The Hangover: Part II (Both a sequel and a remake) 
•  Jack & Jill (Remake/Rip-off of Ed Woods’ Glen or Glenda) 
• The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1

WORST SCREEN COUPLE

• Nicolas Cage & Anyone Sharing the Screen with Him in Any of His Three 2011 Movies
• Shia LeBeouf & Rosie Huntington-Whiteley in Transformers: Dark of the Moon 
•  Adam Sandler & EITHER Jennifer Aniston OR Brooklyn Decker in Just Go With It 
•  Adam Sandler and EITHER Katie Holmes, Al Pacino OR Adam Sandler in Jack & Jill 
•  Kristen Stewart & EITHER Taylor Lautner OR Robert Pattinson in The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1

WORST SCREENPLAY

• Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star – Written by Adam Sandler, Allen Covert and Nick Swardson 
•  Jack & Jill – Screenplay by Steve Koren & Adam Sandler, Story by Ben Zook 
• New Year’s Eve – Written by Katherine Fugate 
•  Transformers: Dark of the Moon – Written by Ehren Kruger 
•  The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1 – Screenplay by Melissa Rosenberg, from the novel by Stephenie Meyer