The Hills Have Flatlined

There was a time when I really liked Carrie Underwood. There was even a time when I thought she was the best thing to come out of American Idol (besides Simon’s toddler t-shirts and Paula’s crazy, of course).

Then I realized that her voice is really annoying. Like, really.

It seems like with every pound she lost, her voice got harsher and more nasally. I wasn’t thrilled when NBC replaced Faith Hill’s rendition of the Sunday Night Football opener (which was oftentimes the best part of the entire game) with Carrie’s aforementioned nasally harshness, but even that pales in comparison to their most recent brush with stupidity. 

Proving yet again that Hollywood is completely worthless when it comes to generating original ideas, someone at NBC decided that what the world really needed was a regurgitated version of The Sound of Music. Because, you know, when something is done to near perfection the first time, it makes total sense to redo it.

But, wait, it’s okay that they’re going to bastardize this beloved classic because they’ve got a gimmick plan: They’re going to perform it live.

Listen, I get it. Why gamble on a new idea/screenwriter when you can just plagiarize an idea that did well before? It makes total sense. I mean, it doesn’t – at all – but what makes even less sense is replacing the beautiful, talented, kind, lovely, soft, British Julie Andrews with…Carrie Underwood. Carrie may be many of the same things, but her voice is not. I mean, c’mon, even if you’re a Carrie fan, you have to admit that this was poor casting. 

Maria von Crapp

The way NBC gets around this outrageous casting decision – because they know they’ve totally effed this one up – is by saying that they’re not trying to remake the original. I’m sorry, what? Is the story the same? Is the music the same? Then I'd say it's a remake. And you don’t get to redo such a widely known and respected film as The Sound of Music and then say that you’re not trying to remake it.

You are remaking it. That’s the problem. And you’re doing it with Carrie Underwood, who may be terribly talented but is no Maria von Trapp.

So, it’s official. The hills are no longer alive with the sound of music.

Carrie Underwood has killed them.

I give you Exhibit A:   

I rest my case.

Fashion Fail of the Week

I wanted to like her. I really, really did. A girl who’s not afraid to bare her less-than-perfect soul (and, let’s be honest, body) for all the world to see? This is a girl that I want to see succeed. Or, at least I thought I did. Then I saw bits of Lena Dunham’s show, Girls (along with way too many bits of Lena Dunham).

Yuck.

She’s gross. The supporting cast is gross. It’s all just, well, gross. And I’m not just saying that because there’s way too much nakedness (but there is). My major complaint is that the writing and acting is subpar at best, which is probably why Hollywood is falling all over itself to reward this mess of mediocrity. You know how they love to bow at the Altar of the Unexceptional. Plus, shoving accolades up the bum of a less-than-perfect female shows that they really aren’t that superficial and allows them to feel better about themselves. Remember Precious?

In fact, it was at one of these award shows -- where Ms. Dunham received yet another award up the bum -- that the below atrocity happened.  

Clearly she’s just as off-putting when fully clothed.

What was she thinking? It’s like she went out of her way to find the most unflattering dress possible. And, from the expression on her face, I’m pretty sure she knows how ridiculous she looks. Perhaps she picked an oversized dress in an effort to make room for her equally as oversized ego. Didn’t work. Sorry, Lena, you get an F for this huge fashion FAIL.

On a more positive note, at least she looks clean here. I have it on good authority that in real life she looks not only like a stuffed sausage (because, again, she makes poor fashion choices), but like a stuffed sausage in need of a long-overdue shower. 

Hmm, if only there was someone she could give some of her undeserved money to who would in return help her pick out more flattering clothes to wear.

Oh, wait…

The Envelope, Please

With the Oscars just a few short hours away, this girl couldn’t be less excited. Given my love of judgment, you would think I’d love awards shows like LeAnn Rimes loves stealing other people’s husbands—given that there’s no lack of things/people/behavior to judge—but mostly I just find them stale and predictable (unless, of course, Ricky Gervais is hosting). Seriously, how many awards shows (i.e. opportunities to pat themselves on the back) does Hollywood need? They all take themselves far too seriously as it is.

No, I just can’t get excited about it. Will it be George or Brad, Meryl or Michelle? Who cares? Besides, we already know: with few exceptions, it will be the exact same people who won the Golden Globe. And as I’ve mentioned a time or two, I have no respect for an organization that rewards mediocrity, such as Natalie Portman and Nicolas Cage, but has no love for the Deppster.

An award I can get behind, however, is the Razzie. The Razzie Awards are spectacular, as they “reward” actors, actresses, screenwriters, etc. for their suckage. (Actually, I suppose they’re not entirely unlike the Oscars in that respect.) Some call them mean-spirited; I call them honest. This year’s nominees include Kristen Stewart for Twilight, Adam Sandler for Jack & Jill, and Nicolas Cage for three films. You can’t argue with that level of truth. You just can’t.

“Winners” will be announced on April Fool’s Day and I, for one, am thoroughly looking forward to it—not only because I enjoy the pure judgment of it, but also because the varying reactions of the nominated celebrities say a lot about their character and how willing they are to laugh at themselves.

Below, you’ll find a complete list of Razzie nominees. Who gets your vote? Do you feel any of the nominations are unfair or unwarranted; would you add or replace any nominee; or are you -- like me -- thinking the Razzie organization couldn’t, with only a few exceptions, have gotten it much righter?

WORST PICTURE

• Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star 
•  Jack & Jill 
•  New Year’s Eve 
•  Transformers: Dark of the Moon 
•  The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1

WORST ACTOR

• Russell Brand – Arthur 
•  Nicolas Cage – Drive Angry: 3D, Season of the Witch and Trespass 
•  Taylor Lautner – Abduction and The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1 
• Adam Sandler – Jack & Jill and Just Go With It 
•  Nick Swardson – Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star

WORST ACTRESS 

• Martin Lawrence (As “Momma”) – Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son 
•  Sarah Palin (As “Herself”) – Sarah Palin: The Undefeated 
•  Sarah Jessica Parker – I Don’t Know How She Does It and New Year’s Eve 
• Adam Sandler (As “Jill”) – Jack & Jill 
•  Kristen Stewart – The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1

WORST SUPPORTING ACTOR

• Patrick Dempsey – Transformers: Dark of the Moon 
•  James Franco – Your Highness 
•  Ken Jeong – Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son; The Hangover: Part 2; Transformers: Dark of the Moon; and Zookeeper 
•  Al Pacino – Jack & Jill 
•  Nick Swardson – Jack & Jill and Just Go With It

WORST SUPPORTING ACTRESS

• Katie Holmes – Jack & Jill 
•  Brandon T. Jackson – Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son 
•  Nicole Kidman – Just Go With It 
•  David Spade – Jack & Jill 
•  Rosie Hungtington-Whiteley – Transformers: Dark of the Moon

WORST SCREEN ENSEMBLE

• The Entire Cast of Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star 
•  The Entire Cast of Jack & Jill 
•  The Entire Cast of New Year’s Eve 
•  The Entire Cast of Transformers: Dark of the Moon 
•  The Entire Cast of The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1

WORST DIRECTOR

• Michael Bay – Transformers: Dark of the Moon 
• Tom Brady – Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star 
• Bill Condon – The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1
• Dennis Dugan – Jack & Jill and Just Go With It 
•  Garry Marshall – New Year’s Eve

WORST PREQUEL, REMAKE, RIP-OFF OR SEQUEL

• Arthur 
•  Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star (Rip-off of Boogie Nights and A Star Is Born) 
•  The Hangover: Part II (Both a sequel and a remake) 
•  Jack & Jill (Remake/Rip-off of Ed Woods’ Glen or Glenda) 
• The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1

WORST SCREEN COUPLE

• Nicolas Cage & Anyone Sharing the Screen with Him in Any of His Three 2011 Movies
• Shia LeBeouf & Rosie Huntington-Whiteley in Transformers: Dark of the Moon 
•  Adam Sandler & EITHER Jennifer Aniston OR Brooklyn Decker in Just Go With It 
•  Adam Sandler and EITHER Katie Holmes, Al Pacino OR Adam Sandler in Jack & Jill 
•  Kristen Stewart & EITHER Taylor Lautner OR Robert Pattinson in The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1

WORST SCREENPLAY

• Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star – Written by Adam Sandler, Allen Covert and Nick Swardson 
•  Jack & Jill – Screenplay by Steve Koren & Adam Sandler, Story by Ben Zook 
• New Year’s Eve – Written by Katherine Fugate 
•  Transformers: Dark of the Moon – Written by Ehren Kruger 
•  The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 1 – Screenplay by Melissa Rosenberg, from the novel by Stephenie Meyer

And the Spell Was Broken

In the interest of full disclosure, you should know that I’m not a “Twi-Hard” (shocking, I know). In fact, it was only because of a friend’s peer pressure that I finally broke down and read or watched anything Twilight-related. I will admit, however, that I was pleasantly surprised with what I encountered of the Twilight series. Until, that is, Breaking Dawn: Part 1.

(Halt: Possible spoilers ahead.)

Oh, where to begin? First, this movie felt much more like a telenovela than the interspecies love story that it was supposed to be. Truly, without all the music montages, pregnant pauses, sighing, deep inhaling, dramatic eye closing (I’m looking at you, Kristen Stewart) and never-ending monologues—presented for optimal effect with heart-wrenching mood music and slow zoom-ins with the camera—this movie could’ve been 45 minutes. And should’ve been. In fact, it took vampire-like strength on my part not to fast-forward through a large portion of it.

However, if I took you through every irritating aspect and unbelievable moment, we’d be here for as long as the movie felt (read: a long time). That said, there were a few things that just can’t be forgotten—or forgiven.

First of all, Bella’s wedding hair. Hideous. It was bulky, uneven around her face and—at one point—fell around her ears, giving her a slight Mr. Tumnus-from-Narnia look. I mean, c’mon, her hairdressers—Edward’s “sisters”—are like a thousand years old; haven’t they had time to perfect an up-do? 

Apparently "messy" is in this season.

Secondly, and this has been an issue for me from the beginning, WHY in the world do they cast darkly complected actors and then paint them white? It’s not a good look. And considering these vampires are supposed to be the most beautiful beings ever created, it really makes no sense. If I was Stephenie Meyer, I’d be significantly irritated that my vision was being so shamelessly distorted. (Although, I suppose those monster checks she's cashing ease the burn a bit.)

Nikki Reed (L) proves that she's actually an attractive human being when not in vampire mode (R).

 

Listen, I really am willing to overlook a lot. I won’t even mention the fact that K. Stew may be one of the most irritating actresses of all-time (although, she can cry like a champ—I’m talking Diedre Hall-caliber—I won’t take that away from her); or that as much as she bites her lip, she better have a Costco-sized tub of chap stick at home; or that somewhere between the second and third movie, Carlisle acquired some type of accent…but only sometimes; or even the erroneous implication that the actors playing the vampires are the most beautiful people on the planet. Hey, I understand that beauty is subjective and I’m willing to concede that some people may find this group attractive. It’s big of me, I know.

Nope, I won’t mention any of it.

What I can’t ignore, however, is the Darth Vader-inspired voices the werewolves employed while they were communicating telepathically. I hope the BD creators are big George Lucas fans; otherwise, this makes absolutely no sense and is so awful it’s not even comical, just cringe-worthy. It was perhaps the most ridiculous scene in a film ripe with them.

There were, however, some bright spots. I thoroughly enjoyed Anna Kendrick’s 15 seconds onscreen, as well as the special effects employed to show Edward’s venom spreading through Bella’s body. I assume the venom that Eddie injects Bells with is different than the “poison” that Real Housewives of New Jersey’s, Joe Gorga injects his wife with or this would be a completely different movie. That said, I had to remind myself periodically that this was a PG-13 film, as parts of it were fairly risqué. I’ll just say that I’m glad I wasn’t watching it with my mom and leave it at that.

But, despite all its faults—and there are a lot of them—there’s something about Twilight that warms the heart. Maybe it’s the family unity. Who wouldn’t want to be a part of the Cullen clan, aside from that undead thing? They stick together and protect each other at all costs.

Let’s face it, as much as I hate to admit it, the Twilight books—and, to a lesser degree, the movies—are a lot like Mexican food: they really stick with you, lingering until your last taste is a distant memory.

And, sometimes, they give you gas. 

Worthlesque

I was hoping that in the wake of the 10^th anniversary of 9/11 – as we came together as a nation, and honored those who lost their lives – that some of that solidarity and goodwill would rub off on me, allowing me to go at least a week without being a jerk.

Then I made the mistake of watching Burlesque.

Why, you ask, would I choose to watch a movie starring Christina Aguilera when I’m trying to be a positive person? I cannot defend this decision. I can’t. Apparently Glitter taught me nothing.

What I can say is that my viewing experience started off positively enough. In fact, my first impression – meaning, the first 30 seconds – was that Christina wasn’t such a bad actress. This just goes to show how very wrong first impressions can be. Ms. Aguilera has less charisma than a head of lettuce; I’m talking iceberg lettuce, not even arugula or something interesting. And, although she obviously has an amazing vocal range, I find her voice to be a bit like nails on a chalkboard – only less pleasing to the ear. I literally spent the majority of the movie waiting for her to go away, which was unfortunate, considering she was the lead.

And please don’t even get me started on her “acting” (if you can call it that). She truly has less acting ability than she does charisma. She spent the greater part of the film staring off into space wistfully, and lowering her eyes bashfully. The good news is, if you fast-forward through most of Christina’s singing and acting, it’s a much shorter movie. 

You're as cold as ice...berg lettuce

But here’s what really got me. Forget the fact that a girl from Iowa has a New York accent. Forget the fact that Cher and Kristen Bell were supposed to be BFFs despite a 30-year age difference. I can even get past (eventually) the fact that Burlesque’s writers tried to convince us that Ali (Aguilera) was a likeable person – a total falsehood – by not having every person she came across punch her in the face. What I can’t forget, nor forgive, however, is what happened during Suckstina’s audition scene.

There sat Cher, with Stanley Tucci by her side in all his bald-headed glory, looking for a replacement dancer. They watched dancer after dancer leap across the stage. I’m talking chassés, grand jetés, pirouttes. These girls were bringing it. But none of them was good enough. Not one. Cher and Stan were about to throw in the towel when, wait, here came their lovably headstrong waitress to save the day! She busted out a few hair flips and some jazz hands and, surprise surprise, got the job.

And that was the best scene in the movie.

Burlesque had absolutely no redeeming qualities, no big payoff at the end. In fact, it left me totally cold; sitting there wondering what kind of voodoo magic the filmmakers had to do to fit both Cher and Christina’s giant diva attitudes and unparalleled narcissism on-screen at the same time.

Nicolas Cage: Bad Actor or Bad Choices?

Lest you think that we here at All That Glitters are only critical of women, this entry should prove that we are, in fact, equal-opportunity judgers.

Today’s great debate centers on Nicolas Cage’s acting ability (or lack thereof). Sure, he’s won an Oscar, but if you pay any attention to this blog, you know that I don’t put much stock in the Academy. Until Johnny Depp wins his much-deserved, little-man statue, I refuse to believe that the Oscars are anything more than a well-decorated auction, with the award going to the highest bidder (which comes in the form of bribery).

But I digress…

The question before us today is: Does Nicolas Cage pick crummy roles in crummy movies, or does he make the roles and movies crummy simply by being in them? Sure, he’s been in some entertaining flicks; and, I’ll admit, there have been instances when, as I sat there watching one of his films, I’ve even forgotten how very terrible he is. I personally feel, however, that this particular anomaly speaks to the caliber of the supporting cast, and has little to do with the Cage’s actual talent.

I could be wrong, but I'm not.

I will contend, however, that it's slightly possible that his being Francis Ford Coppola’s nephew has nothing to do with his success. Perhaps his acting talents are at the same level as Colin Firth and Anthony Hopkins, other Oscar winners; perhaps the acting method he invented, “Nouveau Shamanic,” will in time come to be as respected as Stanislavski’s; and perhaps Leann Rimes could win a pie-eating contest.

All you Nicky Cage fans, though, take heart. After perusing Mr. Cage’s IMDB page, it appears that he has no fewer than six upcoming projects – which means, there will be no shortage of the Cage’s stilted speech and awkward hairpiece in the coming months.

Looks like Christmas has come early for some good boys and girls (with questionable taste)!

Black Swan Dive

Hollywood and its award-giving agencies have proven once again that they’re all smoking collectively from the same mind-altering—or perhaps more appropriately, talent-altering—substance. I was always fairly certain of this fact, but it became even more painfully obvious after finally seeing Black Swan last night. What a waste of time. And Natalie Portman winning an Oscar? Was it an April Fool’s joke? She always looks slightly confused and like she’s just caught a sniff of something rancid. FYI, Natalie, that smell, yeah, that’s the stench of your poor acting.

Here’s the plot of Black Swan:

(Caution: spoilers may follow; although, if reading the following discourages even one person from watching this drivel, then I’ve done my duty.)

Natalie Portman (or her body double) dances. The ballet’s director yells at her for not being good enough. She cries. There’s a gratuitous sex scene (thank goodness for fast-forward). Her mom does something creepy and inappropriately overbearing. Natalie Portman has a freak out. She cries some more, while looking confused and like she’s smelled something rancid. Rinse. Repeat.

So. Pointless.

And, Mila Kunis? Why all the praise for her performance? She has about five lines. Overall, I found the movie to be a complete waste of time and Natalie Portman to be a complete waste of space. Fortunately for her, Hollywood worships huge wastes of space, so she can look forward to a long career full of countless accolades and worthless performances—proving yet again that it’s not who you know, but who you’re willing to sleep with.