The Hills Have Flatlined

There was a time when I really liked Carrie Underwood. There was even a time when I thought she was the best thing to come out of American Idol (besides Simon’s toddler t-shirts and Paula’s crazy, of course).

Then I realized that her voice is really annoying. Like, really.

It seems like with every pound she lost, her voice got harsher and more nasally. I wasn’t thrilled when NBC replaced Faith Hill’s rendition of the Sunday Night Football opener (which was oftentimes the best part of the entire game) with Carrie’s aforementioned nasally harshness, but even that pales in comparison to their most recent brush with stupidity. 

Proving yet again that Hollywood is completely worthless when it comes to generating original ideas, someone at NBC decided that what the world really needed was a regurgitated version of The Sound of Music. Because, you know, when something is done to near perfection the first time, it makes total sense to redo it.

But, wait, it’s okay that they’re going to bastardize this beloved classic because they’ve got a gimmick plan: They’re going to perform it live.

Listen, I get it. Why gamble on a new idea/screenwriter when you can just plagiarize an idea that did well before? It makes total sense. I mean, it doesn’t – at all – but what makes even less sense is replacing the beautiful, talented, kind, lovely, soft, British Julie Andrews with…Carrie Underwood. Carrie may be many of the same things, but her voice is not. I mean, c’mon, even if you’re a Carrie fan, you have to admit that this was poor casting. 

Maria von Crapp

The way NBC gets around this outrageous casting decision – because they know they’ve totally effed this one up – is by saying that they’re not trying to remake the original. I’m sorry, what? Is the story the same? Is the music the same? Then I'd say it's a remake. And you don’t get to redo such a widely known and respected film as The Sound of Music and then say that you’re not trying to remake it.

You are remaking it. That’s the problem. And you’re doing it with Carrie Underwood, who may be terribly talented but is no Maria von Trapp.

So, it’s official. The hills are no longer alive with the sound of music.

Carrie Underwood has killed them.

I give you Exhibit A:   

I rest my case.

Fashion Fail of the Week

I wanted to like her. I really, really did. A girl who’s not afraid to bare her less-than-perfect soul (and, let’s be honest, body) for all the world to see? This is a girl that I want to see succeed. Or, at least I thought I did. Then I saw bits of Lena Dunham’s show, Girls (along with way too many bits of Lena Dunham).

Yuck.

She’s gross. The supporting cast is gross. It’s all just, well, gross. And I’m not just saying that because there’s way too much nakedness (but there is). My major complaint is that the writing and acting is subpar at best, which is probably why Hollywood is falling all over itself to reward this mess of mediocrity. You know how they love to bow at the Altar of the Unexceptional. Plus, shoving accolades up the bum of a less-than-perfect female shows that they really aren’t that superficial and allows them to feel better about themselves. Remember Precious?

In fact, it was at one of these award shows -- where Ms. Dunham received yet another award up the bum -- that the below atrocity happened.  

Clearly she’s just as off-putting when fully clothed.

What was she thinking? It’s like she went out of her way to find the most unflattering dress possible. And, from the expression on her face, I’m pretty sure she knows how ridiculous she looks. Perhaps she picked an oversized dress in an effort to make room for her equally as oversized ego. Didn’t work. Sorry, Lena, you get an F for this huge fashion FAIL.

On a more positive note, at least she looks clean here. I have it on good authority that in real life she looks not only like a stuffed sausage (because, again, she makes poor fashion choices), but like a stuffed sausage in need of a long-overdue shower. 

Hmm, if only there was someone she could give some of her undeserved money to who would in return help her pick out more flattering clothes to wear.

Oh, wait…

For Every Action There Is an (Completely Un)Equal and Opposite Reaction

For those of you who don’t already know, Waity Katie, i.e. Duchess Dolittle, i.e. Kate Middleton, i.e. the Duchess of Cambridge is pregnant. With an alleged baby. I wouldn’t blame you for being unaware of this fact; it’s gotten such little publicity.

What’s gotten as equally as little publicity, is the fact that Kate’s been in and out of the hospital with “morning sickness” and that, during one of her hospital stays, two Australian DJs decided to pull a little prank-aroony. Posing as Queen Elizabeth and Prince Charles, they called King Edward VII Hospital, the hospital where Kate was staying, saying that they wanted to speak with her. Although they were never put through to Kate, they were given private(ish) information—how she was feeling, if she was sleeping, when Prince William had left, etc.—by an on-duty nurse, Jacintha Saldanha.

I hadn’t intended to write about this situation, mostly because of its tragic ending—the suicide of the aforementioned nurse—but changed my mind after reading a few recent articles on the subject.

The overwhelming consensus—in the media at least—is that these DJs, Mel Greig and Michael Christian, are responsible for the nurse’s death. They drove her to kill herself. Because they were bullies. For this, they were fired from their jobs and have been completely vilified in the press. 

The evil, vile, black-hearted, bullying DJs in question

Obviously if I blogged every time the media got something wrong, I’d never stop blogging, but this one really bothers me for several reasons:

1.       The DJs were doing their job. I’ve heard quite a few on-air personalities do stupid pranky stuff; stuff that may’ve been questioned had things taken a bad turn, but it didn’t so they weren’t. Bottom line: They all do it. It doesn’t necessarily make it right, but these two shouldn’t be brought before the metaphorical firing squad for something that is common practice among this crowd. There but for the grace of God…

2.       If you listen to the audio from the call, Greig and Christian say several times that they fully expect to be hung up on. They knew their idea wasn’t original, that their accents were terrible, and that they were completely unbelievable. They had no expectation of being put through. It was simply a way to fill air time.  

3.       They’re not the first people—on-air or otherwise—to prank-call a hospital trying to get info on a celebrity. After this, however, they may be the last…at least for a while.

4.       To my third point, what if this had been any other pregnant celebrity? Would the fall-out have been the same? Why are the royals so much more important, especially Kate? She’s nothing more than a glorified celebrity with a title. The media, the royals, and the Kate worshippers all need to get a sense of humor.

5.       The DJs have now been labeled as bullies and told that it was their bullying that led this poor woman to kill herself. I take serious issue with this last claim. Real bullying exists. This isn’t it.

People like Perez Hilton should be ashamed of themselves for writing crap like this:

“Knowing now that the prank at least somewhat contributed to Jacintha's heartbreaking decision to end her own life, we sincerely hope a lesson can be learned about the consequences of bullying — even when we think it's harmless.”

Perhaps Mr. Hilton and his cronies could use a little refresher on what bullying actually is. To bully is “to treat abusively; to affect by means of force or coercion.”

I’m sorry; maybe I’m missing something here. In what way did Greig or Christian do either of these things? Listen, I’m not saying that Jacintha wasn’t bullied. But if she was, it was almost certainly by the hospital staff or the public, NOT by the DJs. Labeling these two as bullies is completely inaccurate and adds to the “boy who cried wolf” effect. It makes people immune to such accusations and minimizes legitimate bullying allegations, of which there are plenty.

Could Greig and Christian be accused of bad judgment? Sure. (But isn’t that a job requirement to be a radio personality?) What they cannot and should not be accused of, however, is bullying.

This was a terrible tragedy and it should absolutely be discussed. We should be discussing the mental health issues that lead to suicide; we should be discussing how the hospital handled Ms. Saldanha and if they have any culpability in the situation; we should be discussing the more-than-likely bullying that was directed at Ms. Saldanha—by us, the public.

But, in my opinion, what we should not be discussing is the “bullying” DJs. The reaction to Greig and Christian’s stupid prank has been totally blown out of proportion. They’ve been scapegoated because they dared to embarrass precious Kate, plain and simple.

That’s my take, at least. What do you guys think?  

                 

(Fear not, I’m getting off my soapbox now before someone pushes me.

ATG will now return to its regularly scheduled judgmental programming.)

What I Did for Love

Have you ever had one of those unfortunate, word-vomit moments; one where you instantly wish you could suck it back in? One of my first—although, unfortunately not my last—such moments came in fourth grade. It was inspired by, what else, a boy. But not just any boy. The boy. The boy for whom all the girls swooned. The boy to whom we spent our slumber parties writing love letters that we’d never send. The boy who starred in our G-rated fantasies. You know, the boy.

Up until that point, I had done a respectably good job of being virtually invisible; but all that changed one day when, unthinking, I mentioned in a journal entry that I would like to be assigned a seat next to the boy. It was a journal entry that I forgot our teacher would read.  

I was mortified. But, because our homeroom teacher didn't suck, she honored my request at the next seat change (and because it wasn’t a Gary Marshall movie, the boy didn’t fall in love with me) but she never made me feel foolish, never even mentioned a word of it to me.

The reason I share this up-until-now repressed memory with you is to illustrate how a classy person (i.e. my teacher) handles a delicate situation. Unfortunately for Jennifer Love Hewitt, Adam Levine recently proved that he isn’t classy. At all. Maybe he should take a little trip back to fourth grade homeroom.

In perhaps the only similarity between J Love and myself, she had her own word-vomit moment not so long ago. Unlike mine, however, hers came as a guest on The Ellen DeGeneres Show where she made an offhand comment about how she and Levine would make a cute couple now that they’re both single. Adam responded in his own Ellen interview, referring to her comment as “aggressive.”   

  Aggression. The new fragrance from J Love. Coming to a drug store near you. 

Listen, Mr. Levinsensitive, let’s don’t lose perspective here: You have a girly voice and stupid hair. You would be lucky to land someone like the Lovester. She’s pretty and seems relatively nice. Plus, she doesn’t wear half a bathing suit cover-up to red carpet events. (See below.)

  Hey Adam, I bet if you were dating Ms. Hewitt, you wouldn't have to tease your hair straight up to look taller. 

Unfortunately, as is so often the case in the face of insensitivity, Jennifer was embarrassed. And don’t we all, when we’re embarrassed, take to our Twitter pages, posting things like: 

“The moment when you make a comment about something or someone and the world makes you feel like a total fool. #keepcrushquiet”

I mean, it makes total sense that when you humiliate yourself and want the whole thing to go away, you continue to discuss it. In public. With hundreds of thousands of people.

However, I won’t make you feel like a fool for your off-the-cuff remark, Jen. After all, we’ve all been there; though, fortunately for most of us, Ellen DeGeneres doesn’t sit around in our living rooms with a camera crew documenting all our word-vomit moments.

And I think I speak for all of us when I say, thank goodness for that.

Hell Hath No Fury

We’ve all heard that phrase a thousand times. “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.” Perhaps, however, it translates into something slightly less intimidating in Polish because a Polish man recently found himself the recipient of a scorned woman’s fury--due, at least in part, to his own stupidity.

Marek Olszewski made the mistake of dumping his dentist girlfriend, Anna Machowiak, for another woman and then going to Machowiak just days later with a toothache. Machowiak says that, although she intended to handle the situation professionally, once she had him all drugged up in front of her, she did the only logical thing: She pulled all his teeth out. Every last one of them. She then wrapped his jaw very tightly, told him the anesthesia would prevent him from feeling anything for a while and referred him to a specialist. Obviously it didn’t take him long to realize something was very wrong, but by that point it was simply too late.

And the best part? In an extreme case of karmic justice, the scorner became the scornee. Yes, it seems that, after the whole ordeal, Olszewski’s new girlfriend—the one he’d dumped his tooth-loving girlfriend for—couldn’t make her exit fast enough. Apparently she just wasn’t interested in dating a man with no teeth.

I’ve heard it mentioned that, if a male dentist had done this to his female girlfriend, people would be irate; that because it’s a woman culprit, people are more sympathetic. I disagree. I think it would be equally as great a story with a man in the starring dentist role. This isn’t about gender; it’s about being wronged. And I think anyone who’s ever been done wrong by a man or a woman, cheered a little bit in his or her soul after hearing this story.

Or maybe it was just me.

After all, I am a Polish woman…