Anne Has Killed a Dream In Me

Oh, Anne Hathaway.... it's time for us to break up.  I used to looooooove you. The Devil Wears Prada. You.  Meryl.  Sigh.

Now all I think of when I hear your name is screeching in Les Mis.  Turning your nose up at roles that made you famous.  Over acting.  Under eating.  Ugh.

And then there was this hideous outfit.

Too much shoe, not enough panties.

And the unfortunate upskirt.  And after all of this, there was still love.  And perhaps one question:  Anne, why or why didn’t you wear underwear in that dress?  Of all of the dresses where one could and should wear underwear with it should be the dress that looks like two panels of wallpaper with a garbage bag duct taped on as a cape.

And then was the pitchy… intoned talking… I can’t call it singing.  And the press junket for Les Mis where she began campaigning harder than Kate Winslet for a Titanic Oscar.  Here’s just a smattering of annoying sound bytes:

• I don't talk about how I lost the weight because it's really unhealthy.  And there are some people out there that will try anything to lose weight.
• Then she goes on to discuss how she lost the weight- by eating hummus and radishes.
• "I was a witch. I mean, I was dealing with a lot of darkness and I was starving. So I just wasn’t that much fun to be around.” Hathaway continues, “I realized I was being really unfair to my fiance"
• My mom played Fantine and she is my favorite Fantine.  And I am hers.  
• It felt in some way cheap to do the pretty version (of I Had a Dream). 

Oh, honey, PLENTY of people have sung the pretty version of I Had a Dream and delivered a power house emotional performance.  That is the very challenge of musical theater acting.  What you did was screechy intoning and over acting.

But what really did it was the faux-graceful and faux-humble obviously rehearsed acceptance speech she made at the Golden Globes last night:

My favorite line?   How she thanked the Hollywood Foreign Press Association for giving her “this lovely blunt object that I will forever more use as a weapon against self-doubt”.  VOMIT.

And then she went on to say she’s glad she’s getting awards because it puts her earlier roles forever to bed.  Please… could she be any more ungrateful?  The Princess Diaries launched her.  She should still be thanking that casting director for giving her a shot. Anne, you were in a movie with Julie Andrews.  And it was a cute movie.  And while we are at it, don't dismiss the brilliance of Tina Fey.  You should be so lucky to breathe the air Tina expels from her body.

Oh, and BTW, you have a fierce case of egg head on an emaciated body.  Please.  Eat something.  The Les Mis weight loss on top of the Batman weight loss is just unflattering.

Attack of the life size bobble heads!

Let us hope that the Golden Globe was a consolation prize for her not winning the Oscar.  Because both Sally Field and I were not amused. 

She's got... Dagger Eyes!

Today’s Blog Brought to You by the Letter ‘D’…for Delusional

Apparently I’m a masochist. That’s the only defense I have to defend the indefensible.

I didn’t mean to watch it. Honest. I had intended to take my ratings elsewhere, to wash my hair, to rotate my tires, to do anything else. Then the inevitable happened: commercial break. And I found myself flipping from whatever I had been watching, probably a Real Housewives of some flavor, to the forbidden channel—just for a second. It was only meant to be for a second. But like with any good train wreck, I just couldn’t tear myself away.

And that, my friends, is how I found myself watching Guiliana Rancic’s interview with…

LeAnn Rimes.

Oh, the shame.

Go ahead and judge me. I deserve it. I watched to the bitter end.

I lost close to an hour of my life watching this exceedingly unlikeable woman trying to convince the world that she’s really quite likeable—with little success—and discussing in extreme detail the emotional toll that being a homewrecker takes on a person. I mean, have you ever, for even a second, considered how difficult breaking up two families is? Really people, how insensitive can you be?   

Life is just so, so hard...

LeAnn the Martyr mentioned how she wished she could have handled "the situation" -- that is, the homewrecking (a word, no surprise, that she's not fond of) -- differently; and how she wishes that things could've gone "better." For her. She then quickly added that she wanted it to also be better for (her husband’s ex-wife) Brandi, (her husband) Eddie, and her husband’s two sons, so as not to sound like a complete beast. Too little too late, LeAnn.

She also mentioned how optimistic she was for the future success of her marriage because, after all, she and Eddie had already been through so much together—so many “hardships,” as she calls them.

Yes, in her little mind, she and Eddie have truly been tested in their relationship and they have successfully navigated it all. They “fought for each other,” despite the fact that “it was the hardest thing (she’s) ever been through in (her) life.” To listen to her talk, you’d think she was the innocent victim in all of this—and I’m pretty sure she thinks she is.

This girl has turned delusion into an art form.  

Here’s a little hint, LeAnn: When you’re trying to convince people how altruistic you are, don’t continuously mention how hard the destruction of your marriage, and ensuing backlash, has been on you—how it’s affecting you—when you it’s all a direct result of choices you willingly made.

Then, in what I suppose was intended to be a show of solidarity, LeAnn’s co-philanderer (and husband) joined the interview. Honestly, I’ve seen more chemistry between two cats in heat. If the idea was to show their unconditional and undeniable love for each other, and explain why they simply had to cheat on (and leave) their respective spouses to be together, they failed. Terribly. 

Oh wow, someone get these two a room.

Quite honestly, if this interview did anything, it simply made me dislike these two more than before. Not exactly the P.R. coup they were likely hoping for.

And here’s just one more tidbit of advice, LeAnn: Stop talking. Stop Tweeting. Stop doing interviews. Go be with the husband you profess to love so much. And stop flooding the atmosphere with your word vomit.

Or is it possible that you’re constantly telling the world how perfect your marriage is—and how amazing your life is—not because you’re trying to convince us, but because you’re trying to convince yourself?

It’s sad, really. And I’d feel sorry for you…

if you hadn’t brought the whole thing on yourself.

Someone Get This Girl a Muzzle. For Her Fingers.

I don’t usually feel the need to discuss LeAnn Rimes, mostly because she spends so much time discussing herself, but some of her recent tweets have motivated me to take action. Her Twitter addiction is truly unparalleled. I mean, does anyone even remember why she’s famous? What was her job before she started stealing husbands and word vomiting all over the internet?

And, speaking of word vomiting on Twitter, some of LeAnn’s recent        finger-talking is doozylicious. You may remember that before she became Mrs. Cibrian—a position that she reminds the world of on a near bi-second basis—she was married to a dancer named Dean Sheremet. On second thought, you may not know about Dean because Twitter had yet to be invented at that point. 

 LeAnn and her first husband, Dean, pre-Twitter 

Dean and LeAnn were married for seven years—until, that is, Ms. Rimes crossed paths and tongues with the also-married Eddie Cibrian, but I digress. The point is, Mr. Sheremet’s grandmother recently died. And when LeAnn found out about it, she gave him a heart-felt phone call and sent him a condolence card. Oh, wait. No she didn’t. She posted her condolences to his Twitter account. How classy. She was married to this guy for seven years, presumably got to know (and perhaps like) his family, and then did him wrong with her horny costar. And she couldn’t even pick up the phone? Send him a carnation or cookie bouquet? 

Of course, if she’d reached out privately, she would've missed a prime opportunity to show the world how “caring” she is. And let's be honest, when you’re trying to downplay your home-wrecking image, it’s very important that people know that you’re really a good person; that you're just misunderstood. We get it, LeAnn, you’re a saint.

Yeah, right. If you’ll buy that, I have some magic beans I’d love to show you.

I will say, though, that I recently realized why LeAnn’s so desperate for people to know that she’s Mrs. Cibrian, Eddie Cibrian’s wife, LeAnn Cibrian, Mrs. Eddie Cibrian, etc. Turns out that while old Edster was still married to his first wife, Brandi Glanville, and cheating on her with his current wife, LeAnn, he also had at least one other girlfriend. (Obviously he’s really good at monogamy.) Perhaps LeAnn thinks that if she’s with him, posting pictures of him, talking about him, and taking vacations with him, ALL THE TIME, he’ll never have a chance to stray. That’s a great plan, LeAnn, but who’s watching him when you go to the bathroom? 

 Eddie with his first ex-wife, Brandi (L) and second ex-wife, er, I mean, WIFE, LeAnn (R) 

All joking aside, she’s right to be on high alert. After all, you know what James Goldsmith said: “When a man marries his mistress it creates a job opportunity.” And considering that these two have been married for over a year now, I wouldn’t be surprised if Eddie has already started taking applications for that new position. 

What I Did for Love

Have you ever had one of those unfortunate, word-vomit moments; one where you instantly wish you could suck it back in? One of my first—although, unfortunately not my last—such moments came in fourth grade. It was inspired by, what else, a boy. But not just any boy. The boy. The boy for whom all the girls swooned. The boy to whom we spent our slumber parties writing love letters that we’d never send. The boy who starred in our G-rated fantasies. You know, the boy.

Up until that point, I had done a respectably good job of being virtually invisible; but all that changed one day when, unthinking, I mentioned in a journal entry that I would like to be assigned a seat next to the boy. It was a journal entry that I forgot our teacher would read.  

I was mortified. But, because our homeroom teacher didn't suck, she honored my request at the next seat change (and because it wasn’t a Gary Marshall movie, the boy didn’t fall in love with me) but she never made me feel foolish, never even mentioned a word of it to me.

The reason I share this up-until-now repressed memory with you is to illustrate how a classy person (i.e. my teacher) handles a delicate situation. Unfortunately for Jennifer Love Hewitt, Adam Levine recently proved that he isn’t classy. At all. Maybe he should take a little trip back to fourth grade homeroom.

In perhaps the only similarity between J Love and myself, she had her own word-vomit moment not so long ago. Unlike mine, however, hers came as a guest on The Ellen DeGeneres Show where she made an offhand comment about how she and Levine would make a cute couple now that they’re both single. Adam responded in his own Ellen interview, referring to her comment as “aggressive.”   

  Aggression. The new fragrance from J Love. Coming to a drug store near you. 

Listen, Mr. Levinsensitive, let’s don’t lose perspective here: You have a girly voice and stupid hair. You would be lucky to land someone like the Lovester. She’s pretty and seems relatively nice. Plus, she doesn’t wear half a bathing suit cover-up to red carpet events. (See below.)

  Hey Adam, I bet if you were dating Ms. Hewitt, you wouldn't have to tease your hair straight up to look taller. 

Unfortunately, as is so often the case in the face of insensitivity, Jennifer was embarrassed. And don’t we all, when we’re embarrassed, take to our Twitter pages, posting things like: 

“The moment when you make a comment about something or someone and the world makes you feel like a total fool. #keepcrushquiet”

I mean, it makes total sense that when you humiliate yourself and want the whole thing to go away, you continue to discuss it. In public. With hundreds of thousands of people.

However, I won’t make you feel like a fool for your off-the-cuff remark, Jen. After all, we’ve all been there; though, fortunately for most of us, Ellen DeGeneres doesn’t sit around in our living rooms with a camera crew documenting all our word-vomit moments.

And I think I speak for all of us when I say, thank goodness for that.