A Sad Commentary

We’re not doing so well, America. We’ve been making really bad choices lately. Lots of them. Consistently. It raises a question.

Now, you might think that the question it raises has something to do with self-reflection or personal betterment, but you’d be wrong. No, America, the question we’re forced to ask ourselves is: What would Ryan Lochte do?

Yes, my friends, apparently E! is so confident that the American people have a burning desire to know the answer to this question that they’ve given the Olympian his own show – because obviously athletic prowess always translates into a dynamic personality and small-screen success. Just ask Nancy Kerrigan or any other athlete who’s ever hosted Saturday Night Live.

Unfortunately for everyone involved, including the viewers, Ryan has the personality of Styrofoam. In fact, E! could’ve saved themselves a lot of money and built the entire show around a cardboard cutout. Trust me, as long as it periodically went, “Jeah!,” no one would’ve known the difference. But, then, this is the network that brought us the Kardashians. Apparently they’re pretty good at convincing viewers to embrace polystyrene-like personalities, so maybe Ryan’s show stands a chance after all.

But not with me. (Sorry, E!. Do you need a tissue?)

I’m just not quite masochistic enough to subject myself to this mess. And this is coming from someone who sat through House of Sand and Fog. The entire thing. Without fast-forwarding.

But, although I won’t be watching his show, I’m more than happy to watch the little guy make an ass out of himself in interviews. Here’s hoping that we get a lot more gems like this one:

And since we’re on the topic of laughing at – and not with – people, and since we still really hate Anne Hathaway, check out this highly talented individual doing a little fun-poking. She does a great Annennoying impersonation, except for one thing: She’s much too talented. 

Apparently Bizarro Anne didn’t have a problem singing the “pretty” version of I Dreamed a Dream, unlike the “real” Anne. Because, you know, the real one “made a choice” not to sing the pretty version. According to her. According to me, it was less of a choice and more of a lack of options. Does anyone really think she has the pipes to pull off a “pretty” Fantine?

Does anyone really think that Ryan Lochte has a sparkling personality?

Face it, Anne, you’re just not as great as you seem to think you are. But don’t worry. You don’t have to laugh at yourself. We’re more than happy to do it for you.

James Franco: Soothsayer or Total Jackass?

I’ve loved James Franco for a long time – ever since 1999 when we starred in a movie together.

Okay, so I was an extra, he was the star, and our paths never crossed, but I spent the day staring at him from afar, drinking in his awesomeness.

(Fun fact: although my path didn’t cross with Mr. Franco’s, it did collide with late Roseanne star Glenn Quinn when he stepped on my foot. I never washed that foot again.)

The point is, James and I have been in a relationship for a long time. And like with any relationship, sometimes he annoys me. I can’t say that I was exactly annoyed with his Oscar hosting performance in 2011, but I did think it was a bit one-note. However, I cut him a little slack because it’s hard playing opposite the irritant that is Anne Hathaway. Anybody would look a little bit drugged next to her over-the-top self. In fact, he probably was drugged. He probably had to drug himself in order to spend that much time with her.

But, according to an interview he recently did with Howard Stern, he and Anne have actually made up since that Oscar debacle. Now, whether or not they’re still BFFs now that he’s broken his silence on Oscargate against her very specific wishes, remains to be seen. And if his loose Oscar lips don’t push her over the edge that she’s perpetually hovering by, his saying that he can understand what triggers the Hathahater hatred may.

In fact, I’m going to venture a guess that James and Anne are no longer sitting in a tree.

Personally, I think him saying that he understands why people hate Annennoying* only goes to show that he’s more in touch with reality than people give him credit for – especially people who witnessed his underwhelming hosting performance.

Nothing's that funny, Anne. Get a grip.

Another person who’s most likely scratched old Jimmy off her Christmas card list is Lindsay Lohan – assuming, of course, that she’s coherent enough to remember Christmas cards, or Christmas, or even James Franco for that matter.

On second thought, maybe he hasn’t been cut.

Sure, he, in the same Howard Stern interview, said that he’d declined her romantic advances in the past because she was such a mess, but at least he acknowledged her existence. Yes, he said that he rejected her for “having issues,” but at least he admitted that he did, in fact, know her. Maybe that’s all the validation she needs. She seems kind of desperate – and if anyone understands a desperate need for validating attention, it’s…

LeAnn Rimes.

(I bet you thought I was going to say me, huh? Nope. Even my desperation pales in comparison to these two.)

  I'm sure I speak for all of us when I say that the world is a much sadder place for never having been graced with a Francan (or Franken?) baby.   

Of course, on the other hand, she once said that she and James were “like best friends,” so it’s gotta sting a little. You never want your friends to call you out, no matter how crazy you are. If any of my “best friends” ever rejected my advances, I’d be severely bummed out. In fact, I, too, might start drinking to excess, partying uncontrollably and leaving my undies at home.

You’ve been warned.

*Please understand that I used to love Anne Hathaway, but somewhere along the way she lost her likeability – probably about the time she found her ridiculous affectation/faux English accent. She’s like a taller, younger Madonna, but with less singing ability. And let's be honest, it's not like Madonna set the bar very high on that one.

BREAKING NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It has been reported that Anne Hathaway has filed papers to legally change her name from Anne Hathaway to Academy Award Winner ® Anne Hathaway.

From here on out, she shall be know as AAW®AH.

If you sound that out, it's the noise my eyes make as they roll back into my head every time she opens her mouth.

AAW®AH!    AAW®AH!   

One Tiny Silver Lining to Last Night's Oscars

Overlooking the fact that Seth MacFarlane hosted a bomb of an Oscars that offended everyone but insensitive rich white men, the thing I've been talking about today is how horrible Anne Hathaway looked.  And the internet seems to agree with me.

I mean, when the fashion police give you a worse fashion grade than perennial worst dressed list-nominee Helena Bonham-Carter, you've got big problems.  I mean this garnered HBC a C+ grade:

She looks like she got caught in a wind tunnel of chiffon.

And Melissa McCarthy, who I think seems like a lovely and down-to-earth person, garnered a D in this (which is a little unfair because aside from the fabric, I think she looks good):

This is, quite literally, the sweatpants of evening wear.

But then Anne Hathaway showed up in a bomb of a dress Gwenyth Paltrow rejected in 1999 when she won for Shakespeare in Love.  She got a generous D+.

Where to start?  It's ill-fitting, matronly from the front, far too revealing from the back, a bad color choice, boring, and poorly constructed.  

Also, as an added bonus, the Interwebs also thinks she's annoying!

Why I Don't Think Anne Hathaway Deserves Her Oscar

So, the Oscars happened.  And the moment everyone knew was coming happened.  Yes, Anne Hathaway won Best Supporting Actress for her portrayal of a malnourished sex worker that gets an unfortunate hair cut.  Yawn.

There are many reasons why I don't think she should have won.  First, Les Mis is the stuff my dreams are made of.  France, revolution, love story, the belief that humans can stand up to the corruption of government.  And it's a musical.  Only the luckiest of people on earth get to act, sing and dance for a living.

And this is why it is so personally offensive to me.  Musical theater is hard.  Really hard.  You have to be able to sing the proper notes, on key, and to the proper rhythm while acting AND dancing.  That's why not everyone can do it.  But I assure you that ALL of these components are vital.  Miss one of those things and the performance is crap.

Or those were the rules I thought applied.  But apparently, if you lose 25 pounds (and constantly remind people of this fact while simultaneously "refusing to speak about it"- including last night from the red carpet), cut your hair and then as a throw-away afterthought  in your acceptance speech mention that women shouldn't have to be sex workers, the world will throw accolades your way.

And if this is the case, shouldn't anyone who loses a large amount of weight and has a haircut and a SAG card get an Oscar?  If that's the case, we better start nominating every female who has ever been on the Biggest Loser.

Bam!  Truth bombs!

Anne Has Killed a Dream In Me

Oh, Anne Hathaway.... it's time for us to break up.  I used to looooooove you. The Devil Wears Prada. You.  Meryl.  Sigh.

Now all I think of when I hear your name is screeching in Les Mis.  Turning your nose up at roles that made you famous.  Over acting.  Under eating.  Ugh.

And then there was this hideous outfit.

Too much shoe, not enough panties.

And the unfortunate upskirt.  And after all of this, there was still love.  And perhaps one question:  Anne, why or why didn’t you wear underwear in that dress?  Of all of the dresses where one could and should wear underwear with it should be the dress that looks like two panels of wallpaper with a garbage bag duct taped on as a cape.

And then was the pitchy… intoned talking… I can’t call it singing.  And the press junket for Les Mis where she began campaigning harder than Kate Winslet for a Titanic Oscar.  Here’s just a smattering of annoying sound bytes:

• I don't talk about how I lost the weight because it's really unhealthy.  And there are some people out there that will try anything to lose weight.
• Then she goes on to discuss how she lost the weight- by eating hummus and radishes.
• "I was a witch. I mean, I was dealing with a lot of darkness and I was starving. So I just wasn’t that much fun to be around.” Hathaway continues, “I realized I was being really unfair to my fiance"
• My mom played Fantine and she is my favorite Fantine.  And I am hers.  
• It felt in some way cheap to do the pretty version (of I Had a Dream). 

Oh, honey, PLENTY of people have sung the pretty version of I Had a Dream and delivered a power house emotional performance.  That is the very challenge of musical theater acting.  What you did was screechy intoning and over acting.

But what really did it was the faux-graceful and faux-humble obviously rehearsed acceptance speech she made at the Golden Globes last night:

My favorite line?   How she thanked the Hollywood Foreign Press Association for giving her “this lovely blunt object that I will forever more use as a weapon against self-doubt”.  VOMIT.

And then she went on to say she’s glad she’s getting awards because it puts her earlier roles forever to bed.  Please… could she be any more ungrateful?  The Princess Diaries launched her.  She should still be thanking that casting director for giving her a shot. Anne, you were in a movie with Julie Andrews.  And it was a cute movie.  And while we are at it, don't dismiss the brilliance of Tina Fey.  You should be so lucky to breathe the air Tina expels from her body.

Oh, and BTW, you have a fierce case of egg head on an emaciated body.  Please.  Eat something.  The Les Mis weight loss on top of the Batman weight loss is just unflattering.

Attack of the life size bobble heads!

Let us hope that the Golden Globe was a consolation prize for her not winning the Oscar.  Because both Sally Field and I were not amused. 

She's got... Dagger Eyes!