Let’s Use Our Heads, People. It’s the Lump Three Feet Above Our Asses.

I didn’t think it was possible, but the royal baby frenzy has gotten even more insane over the last couple of days. Basically every other story on my Yahoo! daily newsfeed has something to do with the forthcoming royal baby. And since the news outlets have essentially no new information, instead of writing about the 1,000s of truly newsworthy things happening in our world, they choose to write about royal-related nothingness.

Here are just a few of the recent headlines:

“Inside the Lindo Wing, Where Kate May Give Birth”

She may, she may not. Doesn’t really matter, as long as they can put “Kate” and “birth” in the headline.

“William First in Royal Family to Get Perk”

Spoiler alert: It’s paternity leave.

“Is Kate Middleton Trying to Fake Us Out?

This highly informative article centers on all the things we don’t know: birth hospital, due date, baby name, baby gender, etc. Is Kate choosing not to reveal any of this because she’s trying to create mystery? Or, perhaps, it’s because the royals have decided it’s not any of our business. We’re not their family. We’re not their friends. We simply don’t matter to them. In fact, we’re not even on their radar.

“Where’s that Royal Baby? Is Kate Overdue?”

I can see why this would make it on the front page since Kate is the only woman who’s ever gone past her (alleged) due date.

“Royal Baby Frenzy: Queen Elizabeth’s Cousin Is Not Impressed”

Finally. Someone with a little perspective.

Then there was the story about how the fire department had to be called to what was believed to be the Middletons’ house to get the head of what was believed to be Kate and William’s dog, Lupo, out of the gate it was stuck in.

And the report that Queen Elizabeth left a cricket match early, which of course meant Kate was in labor. It was the only logical explanation. Except, wait, that was Thursday. So, where’s the baby? The birth announcement? The 62-gun salute? Oh, right. It was another false alarm.

But my favorite happened today outside of St. Mary’s Hospital, where Kate is expected to give birth. Much to the surprise of all the anxious onlookers camped out outside, a dark car pulled up to the curb and Kate and William popped out! In front of everyone! Just like that. William protectively ushered his very pregnant wife past the gawking masses to the front door of the hospital. And as the frenzied crowd began moving towards them, William and Kate turned around, busted open their top layer of clothing and revealed t-shirts advertising The Sun.

Wait, what?

I know what you’re thinking. It doesn’t make sense. Why would William and Kate be working for The Sun? They can barely be bothered to do their real jobs.

  What is that girl doing on her phone? Doesn't she know the greatness directly behind her? They are to be worshiped, not ignored!    

I’m sure you’ll be surprised to hear that it wasn’t actually the Cambridges. Just a couple of lookalikes hired by The Sun. Shocking, I know. But don’t worry, folks, I’m sure that when the real Kate goes into labor, she too will be ushered in through the front doors of the hospital for the entire world to see, because, you know, the royals care nothing about privacy.

 I mean, it could've been them. It wasn't, but let's don't get bogged down with facts.  

Listen, I understand that people got caught up in the moment, but let’s just think this through logically for a second. IF Kate delivers at St. Mary’s, I’m fairly certain they’ll bring her in through an underground labyrinth that requires blood samples and retina scans to get through each steel-infused security door. They’re sure as heck not going to bring her in the FRONT DOOR!

People are excited. I get it. (Kind of.) But the reality is, it’s a baby. And it will still be a baby, and still just as interesting – which is to say, not very – tomorrow and the day after. He or she will be the topic of news stories for years and years and years to come.

All I’m saying is this: Don’t overexert yourself. Pace your hysteria.

It would be an awful shame to burn yourself out on this kid before (s)he’s even on the ground.    

BREAKING NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It has been reported that Anne Hathaway has filed papers to legally change her name from Anne Hathaway to Academy Award Winner ® Anne Hathaway.

From here on out, she shall be know as AAW®AH.

If you sound that out, it's the noise my eyes make as they roll back into my head every time she opens her mouth.

AAW®AH!    AAW®AH!   

Why I Don't Think Anne Hathaway Deserves Her Oscar

So, the Oscars happened.  And the moment everyone knew was coming happened.  Yes, Anne Hathaway won Best Supporting Actress for her portrayal of a malnourished sex worker that gets an unfortunate hair cut.  Yawn.

There are many reasons why I don't think she should have won.  First, Les Mis is the stuff my dreams are made of.  France, revolution, love story, the belief that humans can stand up to the corruption of government.  And it's a musical.  Only the luckiest of people on earth get to act, sing and dance for a living.

And this is why it is so personally offensive to me.  Musical theater is hard.  Really hard.  You have to be able to sing the proper notes, on key, and to the proper rhythm while acting AND dancing.  That's why not everyone can do it.  But I assure you that ALL of these components are vital.  Miss one of those things and the performance is crap.

Or those were the rules I thought applied.  But apparently, if you lose 25 pounds (and constantly remind people of this fact while simultaneously "refusing to speak about it"- including last night from the red carpet), cut your hair and then as a throw-away afterthought  in your acceptance speech mention that women shouldn't have to be sex workers, the world will throw accolades your way.

And if this is the case, shouldn't anyone who loses a large amount of weight and has a haircut and a SAG card get an Oscar?  If that's the case, we better start nominating every female who has ever been on the Biggest Loser.

Bam!  Truth bombs!

Pictures and Their 1,000 Words

It’s not surprising that many things in Hollywood are fake. Kim Kardashian’s bangs (and personality), for instance, Bradley Cooper’s third, fourth and fifth nipple, and yes, it appears, even “reality” TV. Although I could spend days and days cataloging all the unrealistic aspects of reality television, today’s blog will focus on MTV’s Catfish.

If you’re unfamiliar with the show, it’s formatted like the 2010 film of the same name, and profiles people as they meet their online loves for the first time. What makes this “great” TV is that these people are basing their entire relationships on photos, online chats, texts and (sometimes) phone calls. What they don’t seem to do—ever—is any kind of video chat. You see where this is going?  The online love rarely ends up being the person in the profile picture—in fact, several times they’ve ended up being, not only the wrong person, but the wrong sex as well.

I had heard rumblings that the whole thing was fake—dating back to the release of the movie—which I hoped wasn’t true, but the more episodes I see, the more I believe it is. The fact that the elusive online love—a person who up until that point has absolutely refused to meet in real life—could get one phone call from a stranger (the host, Nev) saying that he was doing a show for MTV and that he’d like to facilitate a meeting between the internet lovers, and suddenly the reclusive person thinks meeting sounds like a swell idea? It’s totally unrealistic and sounds pretty fishy to me. (See what I did there? Catfish is fishy?! Hi-larious!)

What finally convinced me that this is all a sham, though, was my experience with Google Image Search. Have you tried this? You upload a picture and it’s supposed to bring up websites that display that picture. On the show, they always use it to search pictures from the online profile in question, and almost always find that the photos are tied to other online profiles—real profiles—and that, therefore, the profile in question is fake.

Nev and his right-hand man, Max, doing a little “research” – probably with Google Image Search.

Sounds great, except for one thing: It doesn’t work. I tried Google Image Search with my Facebook profile picture, a picture that’s obviously on the internet because it’s on my Facebook profile, and what photo did it bring up? Gisele Bündchen’s. I mean, obviously if you’ve ever seen me, you know that Gisele and I are basically doppelgängers, and that I get mistaken for a Victoria’s Secret model every day of my life, but that’s not the point. The point is, it was the wrong picture. My profile pic didn’t come up. In fact, I tried it with several different pictures, with the same results. So how is it that the correct photo ALWAYS comes up on Catfish and always points to a fake profile?

Easy.

The show is as fake as the online profiles it aims to debunk.