A Sad Commentary

We’re not doing so well, America. We’ve been making really bad choices lately. Lots of them. Consistently. It raises a question.

Now, you might think that the question it raises has something to do with self-reflection or personal betterment, but you’d be wrong. No, America, the question we’re forced to ask ourselves is: What would Ryan Lochte do?

Yes, my friends, apparently E! is so confident that the American people have a burning desire to know the answer to this question that they’ve given the Olympian his own show – because obviously athletic prowess always translates into a dynamic personality and small-screen success. Just ask Nancy Kerrigan or any other athlete who’s ever hosted Saturday Night Live.

Unfortunately for everyone involved, including the viewers, Ryan has the personality of Styrofoam. In fact, E! could’ve saved themselves a lot of money and built the entire show around a cardboard cutout. Trust me, as long as it periodically went, “Jeah!,” no one would’ve known the difference. But, then, this is the network that brought us the Kardashians. Apparently they’re pretty good at convincing viewers to embrace polystyrene-like personalities, so maybe Ryan’s show stands a chance after all.

But not with me. (Sorry, E!. Do you need a tissue?)

I’m just not quite masochistic enough to subject myself to this mess. And this is coming from someone who sat through House of Sand and Fog. The entire thing. Without fast-forwarding.

But, although I won’t be watching his show, I’m more than happy to watch the little guy make an ass out of himself in interviews. Here’s hoping that we get a lot more gems like this one:

And since we’re on the topic of laughing at – and not with – people, and since we still really hate Anne Hathaway, check out this highly talented individual doing a little fun-poking. She does a great Annennoying impersonation, except for one thing: She’s much too talented. 

Apparently Bizarro Anne didn’t have a problem singing the “pretty” version of I Dreamed a Dream, unlike the “real” Anne. Because, you know, the real one “made a choice” not to sing the pretty version. According to her. According to me, it was less of a choice and more of a lack of options. Does anyone really think she has the pipes to pull off a “pretty” Fantine?

Does anyone really think that Ryan Lochte has a sparkling personality?

Face it, Anne, you’re just not as great as you seem to think you are. But don’t worry. You don’t have to laugh at yourself. We’re more than happy to do it for you.