Today’s Blog Brought to You by the Letter ‘D’…for Delusional

Apparently I’m a masochist. That’s the only defense I have to defend the indefensible.

I didn’t mean to watch it. Honest. I had intended to take my ratings elsewhere, to wash my hair, to rotate my tires, to do anything else. Then the inevitable happened: commercial break. And I found myself flipping from whatever I had been watching, probably a Real Housewives of some flavor, to the forbidden channel—just for a second. It was only meant to be for a second. But like with any good train wreck, I just couldn’t tear myself away.

And that, my friends, is how I found myself watching Guiliana Rancic’s interview with…

LeAnn Rimes.

Oh, the shame.

Go ahead and judge me. I deserve it. I watched to the bitter end.

I lost close to an hour of my life watching this exceedingly unlikeable woman trying to convince the world that she’s really quite likeable—with little success—and discussing in extreme detail the emotional toll that being a homewrecker takes on a person. I mean, have you ever, for even a second, considered how difficult breaking up two families is? Really people, how insensitive can you be?   

Life is just so, so hard...

LeAnn the Martyr mentioned how she wished she could have handled "the situation" -- that is, the homewrecking (a word, no surprise, that she's not fond of) -- differently; and how she wishes that things could've gone "better." For her. She then quickly added that she wanted it to also be better for (her husband’s ex-wife) Brandi, (her husband) Eddie, and her husband’s two sons, so as not to sound like a complete beast. Too little too late, LeAnn.

She also mentioned how optimistic she was for the future success of her marriage because, after all, she and Eddie had already been through so much together—so many “hardships,” as she calls them.

Yes, in her little mind, she and Eddie have truly been tested in their relationship and they have successfully navigated it all. They “fought for each other,” despite the fact that “it was the hardest thing (she’s) ever been through in (her) life.” To listen to her talk, you’d think she was the innocent victim in all of this—and I’m pretty sure she thinks she is.

This girl has turned delusion into an art form.  

Here’s a little hint, LeAnn: When you’re trying to convince people how altruistic you are, don’t continuously mention how hard the destruction of your marriage, and ensuing backlash, has been on you—how it’s affecting you—when you it’s all a direct result of choices you willingly made.

Then, in what I suppose was intended to be a show of solidarity, LeAnn’s co-philanderer (and husband) joined the interview. Honestly, I’ve seen more chemistry between two cats in heat. If the idea was to show their unconditional and undeniable love for each other, and explain why they simply had to cheat on (and leave) their respective spouses to be together, they failed. Terribly. 

Oh wow, someone get these two a room.

Quite honestly, if this interview did anything, it simply made me dislike these two more than before. Not exactly the P.R. coup they were likely hoping for.

And here’s just one more tidbit of advice, LeAnn: Stop talking. Stop Tweeting. Stop doing interviews. Go be with the husband you profess to love so much. And stop flooding the atmosphere with your word vomit.

Or is it possible that you’re constantly telling the world how perfect your marriage is—and how amazing your life is—not because you’re trying to convince us, but because you’re trying to convince yourself?

It’s sad, really. And I’d feel sorry for you…

if you hadn’t brought the whole thing on yourself.

Her Cheating Heart

Unfortunately for Robert Pattison, it's not just Kristen Stewart's heart that's been cheating. Nope, it appears that she’s been engaging in some extracurricular activities with a man nearly twice her age. Sure, it's an old story—one that I'm sure you've all heard about—but fortunately for us, the break-up of this Twilight twosome is the gift that keeps on giving. 

 The loved-up couple when they were still loved-up.  

When the news broke that Bella had cheated on Edward with Rupert Sanders, the married director of her latest forgettable film, Snow White and the Hunstman, people were shocked, and I must admit, I was too—not because she’d cheated (hello, it's Hollywood), but because KStew is still getting work as an actress. Am I the only one aware of her total inability to act? This girl, at the ripe old age of 22, is already the clear front-runner for the Lifetime Achievement Razzie, ahead of such acting greats as Nicolas Cage and Cameron Diaz. That’s saying a lot.

But back on topic…

The irony gods were most definitely smiling on us with this one as, just weeks before, RPatz gave an interview to Italian Vanity Fair saying that he “never understood” people who cheat. It’s not surprising, then, that five seconds after the story broke, he was seen moving out of the bat cave he shared with his philandering lover.

Of course, the story is quite sad if you consider that these are real people, with real feelings, and not just performing monkeys whose sole purpose is to amuse us. The reality is, Sanders is married with two children. How long he’ll stay married is anyone’s guess, but his wife doesn’t appear to think it will be for long. She’s recently been seen without her wedding ring, which isn’t necessarily surprising, but is still awfully sad—at least for their kids.

As for Pattinson, who allegedly wrote love songs for his trampire (thank you, Will Ferrell, for the one funny thing you’ve ever said), and was rumored to be planning a marriage proposal any minute, he seems to be fairing okay. He clearly wins in the court of public opinion and he’s just not a good enough actor to put on a brave face that convincingly if there wasn’t some truth behind it. Now, far be it from me to judge anyone’s choice in partner—I myself have been known to make some really, really bad dating choices—but, really, what did he lose? Kristen Stewart? An exceedingly awkward, clown-dressing (see below), embarrassingly bad actress who has a perma-look of constipation on her face? No biggie. 

 Do you think she looked in the mirror and thought, "Damn! I look good!" The scariest part? She's allowed to vote.  

I never really understood what he saw in her in the first place (or, to be fair, vice versa). And now that he’s single, I’m sure there are plenty of girls impatiently waiting to pick up the pieces of his broken heart.

For instance, this girl:

Should we start taking bets on how long it will be before this YouTube darling has her own reality show?

Lucky for Robsten, the Twilight movies are in the can, so at least they’re saved from having to shoot uncomfortable love scenes. It's a shame, though, about the painfully long press tour they'll still have to embark on. How do you say “awkward” in Vampire? 

Someone Get This Girl a Muzzle. For Her Fingers.

I don’t usually feel the need to discuss LeAnn Rimes, mostly because she spends so much time discussing herself, but some of her recent tweets have motivated me to take action. Her Twitter addiction is truly unparalleled. I mean, does anyone even remember why she’s famous? What was her job before she started stealing husbands and word vomiting all over the internet?

And, speaking of word vomiting on Twitter, some of LeAnn’s recent        finger-talking is doozylicious. You may remember that before she became Mrs. Cibrian—a position that she reminds the world of on a near bi-second basis—she was married to a dancer named Dean Sheremet. On second thought, you may not know about Dean because Twitter had yet to be invented at that point. 

 LeAnn and her first husband, Dean, pre-Twitter 

Dean and LeAnn were married for seven years—until, that is, Ms. Rimes crossed paths and tongues with the also-married Eddie Cibrian, but I digress. The point is, Mr. Sheremet’s grandmother recently died. And when LeAnn found out about it, she gave him a heart-felt phone call and sent him a condolence card. Oh, wait. No she didn’t. She posted her condolences to his Twitter account. How classy. She was married to this guy for seven years, presumably got to know (and perhaps like) his family, and then did him wrong with her horny costar. And she couldn’t even pick up the phone? Send him a carnation or cookie bouquet? 

Of course, if she’d reached out privately, she would've missed a prime opportunity to show the world how “caring” she is. And let's be honest, when you’re trying to downplay your home-wrecking image, it’s very important that people know that you’re really a good person; that you're just misunderstood. We get it, LeAnn, you’re a saint.

Yeah, right. If you’ll buy that, I have some magic beans I’d love to show you.

I will say, though, that I recently realized why LeAnn’s so desperate for people to know that she’s Mrs. Cibrian, Eddie Cibrian’s wife, LeAnn Cibrian, Mrs. Eddie Cibrian, etc. Turns out that while old Edster was still married to his first wife, Brandi Glanville, and cheating on her with his current wife, LeAnn, he also had at least one other girlfriend. (Obviously he’s really good at monogamy.) Perhaps LeAnn thinks that if she’s with him, posting pictures of him, talking about him, and taking vacations with him, ALL THE TIME, he’ll never have a chance to stray. That’s a great plan, LeAnn, but who’s watching him when you go to the bathroom? 

 Eddie with his first ex-wife, Brandi (L) and second ex-wife, er, I mean, WIFE, LeAnn (R) 

All joking aside, she’s right to be on high alert. After all, you know what James Goldsmith said: “When a man marries his mistress it creates a job opportunity.” And considering that these two have been married for over a year now, I wouldn’t be surprised if Eddie has already started taking applications for that new position.