Ass-centuate the Positive

Apparently Kim Kardashian has never heard this expression. Or perhaps she just thinks it’s equally as important to accentuate the not-so-positive, evidenced by some of her latest wardrobe choices. Listen, I’m fully aware that it’s not Kim Kardashian’s fault that she has a GIANT behind (unless you believe the rumor that she got a butt implant, which I don’t) and I know that we here at ATG are not always the most complimentary of Her Royal Buttness, but seriously, she brings a lot of it on herself. She makes SO MANY bad choices, choices that result in it being virtually impossible not to make her the butt of our jokes. (See what I did there?)

For instance, she wears these (totally unflattering) leather pants about as frequently as Jennifer Aniston makes unwatchable movies (read: ALL THE TIME). I tried to give her a pass—I too have a favorite pair of pants that I practically live in—then I saw this picture:

I’m sure it super sucks to be so “famous” that you have people standing behind you on an escalator taking pictures of your hindquarters. However, this is what she wanted; she wanted to be famous. She courts attention like Taylor Swift courts bad relationships, so I don’t feel too badly for her.

Perhaps she should ask Santa to bring her a rearview mirror for Christmas. That way she’ll always know what she looks like from behind, as well as from the front—although, let’s be honest, do we really think there’s a lack of mirrors in any Kardashian household? To quote Kevin McCallister, “I don’t think so.” And considering that she recently left the house looking like this (see below), apparently she has trouble with the front view as well (but trust me when I say that the back view is even worse on this one). So probably mirrors, or lack thereof, are not really the problem.

And since I’m on a roll, why stop the judgment parade now? Careful, it’s about to get snarkilicious up in here.

Kim Kardashian is CONSTANTLY talking about how she works out all the time; she’s seen in pictures walking into and out of gyms; she tweets about going to the gym; and on and on. My question is, what does she do once she’s actually IN the gym? Listen, I will never hate on someone who works out a lot and doesn’t have a perfect body because I myself could fall into this category, but this girl has NO—as in zero, not an ounce—of muscle. I defy you to find any. She obviously goes to the gym—puts on the shoes and the see-through spandex pants—but what does she do once she’s there? Eat cake? A bucket of chicken? Because it sure doesn’t look like she’s running on the treadmill or lifting weights. Perhaps she considers lifting fork to mouth exercise. And perhaps if she didn’t wear sheer skirts (sans Underoos) and nasty leather pants, thereby accentuating her not-so-positives, I wouldn’t feel the need to point them out either.

Let’s be clear, I do feel a bit sorry for her. I’m exceedingly glad that there’s not someone standing behind me taking pictures of all my worst angles and bloggers writing about them. But, then, I didn’t make a sex tape in a desperate attempt to be famous.

And that’s the difference.

Someone Get This Girl a Muzzle. For Her Fingers.

I don’t usually feel the need to discuss LeAnn Rimes, mostly because she spends so much time discussing herself, but some of her recent tweets have motivated me to take action. Her Twitter addiction is truly unparalleled. I mean, does anyone even remember why she’s famous? What was her job before she started stealing husbands and word vomiting all over the internet?

And, speaking of word vomiting on Twitter, some of LeAnn’s recent        finger-talking is doozylicious. You may remember that before she became Mrs. Cibrian—a position that she reminds the world of on a near bi-second basis—she was married to a dancer named Dean Sheremet. On second thought, you may not know about Dean because Twitter had yet to be invented at that point. 

 LeAnn and her first husband, Dean, pre-Twitter 

Dean and LeAnn were married for seven years—until, that is, Ms. Rimes crossed paths and tongues with the also-married Eddie Cibrian, but I digress. The point is, Mr. Sheremet’s grandmother recently died. And when LeAnn found out about it, she gave him a heart-felt phone call and sent him a condolence card. Oh, wait. No she didn’t. She posted her condolences to his Twitter account. How classy. She was married to this guy for seven years, presumably got to know (and perhaps like) his family, and then did him wrong with her horny costar. And she couldn’t even pick up the phone? Send him a carnation or cookie bouquet? 

Of course, if she’d reached out privately, she would've missed a prime opportunity to show the world how “caring” she is. And let's be honest, when you’re trying to downplay your home-wrecking image, it’s very important that people know that you’re really a good person; that you're just misunderstood. We get it, LeAnn, you’re a saint.

Yeah, right. If you’ll buy that, I have some magic beans I’d love to show you.

I will say, though, that I recently realized why LeAnn’s so desperate for people to know that she’s Mrs. Cibrian, Eddie Cibrian’s wife, LeAnn Cibrian, Mrs. Eddie Cibrian, etc. Turns out that while old Edster was still married to his first wife, Brandi Glanville, and cheating on her with his current wife, LeAnn, he also had at least one other girlfriend. (Obviously he’s really good at monogamy.) Perhaps LeAnn thinks that if she’s with him, posting pictures of him, talking about him, and taking vacations with him, ALL THE TIME, he’ll never have a chance to stray. That’s a great plan, LeAnn, but who’s watching him when you go to the bathroom? 

 Eddie with his first ex-wife, Brandi (L) and second ex-wife, er, I mean, WIFE, LeAnn (R) 

All joking aside, she’s right to be on high alert. After all, you know what James Goldsmith said: “When a man marries his mistress it creates a job opportunity.” And considering that these two have been married for over a year now, I wouldn’t be surprised if Eddie has already started taking applications for that new position. 

Time After Time

TIME Magazine has put out its list of (who it deems to be) this year's 100 most influential people in the world. It’s entitled, appropriately enough, The 100 Most Influential People in the World.

Time after time, the decision makers at TIME disappoint, and this year is no different. Let’s not forget that this is the magazine that named both Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin (twice) as Person of the Year. But even that’s forgivable compared to what they’ve done this year.  It’s something so ridiculous, so inexplicable, so off base that it’s simply inexcusable.

They’ve named Kate and Pippa Middleton to the 100 Most Influential list.  

I’ll pause while you let that sink in.

   I can think of many lists I'd put these two on, but Most Influential isn't one of them.  

Okay, let’s just, for argument’s sake, say that I can get on board with the Kate Middleton selection. After all, she’s influenced plenty of girls to have shiny hair and eating disorders, but Pippa?! What in the heck has she done (besides ride around with a gun-wielding beau in Paris)? Be born into a family of social-climbers -- it’s not an accident that the Middleton girls are referred to as the “Wisteria Sisters” -- and wear a form-fitting bridesmaid dress? 

Look, I’m no huge fan of Prince William or Oprah, but can’t we all agree that they’re exponentially more worthy of being on an Influential list than either of the mediocre Middletons? TIME sure thought so--at least last year. Both were on the list last year. Neither is this year. They got bumped. For Pippa’s ass. Literally, her ass. I mean, what else has she done?

I’ll tell you this much, Prince William better buckle up because this is just the beginning of his emasculation. So far, Kate has been getting the Princess Diana treatment in the press (i.e. “she’s perfect and can do no wrong”). This says to me that if/when this relationship implodes—which is almost inevitable, given the Windsors’ not-so-stellar record of successful marriages—he will get the Prince Charles treatment (i.e. “he’s a worthless human being with no soul and giant ears”; although, for Prince William, it’ll be “no soul and equally as little hair”).

  Remember when he looked like this? Those were the days. 

The question is, can the royal family sustain another devastating blow like that? I’m not sure; which means, folks, that we may truly be looking at the final days of the British monarchy. A sobering thought.

The good news is, when the cow pies hit the fan, you may be able to get yourself a really good deal on a palace.

Cry Me a River

Well, folks, we have a new prayer intention to add to the list. Sure, there are families that can’t afford to put food on the table or gas in the car. And, yes, children are left orphaned and alone every day at the hands of senseless violence. And, of course, there’s still that pesky little problem of unemployment and extraordinary debt for so many of us. But forget all that. You know who has real problems?

Katy Perry.

Auditioning for the role of Smurfette, Katy?

 

Her life is just so, so difficult. Why, you ask? Well, you see, it’s just SO HARD being famous. And, according to an interview she recently gave to Teen Vogue, she’s tired of it! In fact, she said that she found fame to be a “disgusting by-product” of what she does. To this I say, cry me a river, Katy Perry.

(Sidebar: Does anyone else find it ironic that she was complaining about being famous in a mass-marketed magazine? If you don’t want to be famous, stop courting attention. Am I wrong?)

Here’s the thing about fame: It pays your bills. Let’s not get it twisted, Kate, you’re not that talented and your songs are really stupid; if it weren’t for that disgusting by-product, as you call it, you’d be singing for quarters on subway platforms. Lucky for you, talent is not a prerequisite for being famous—just ask the Kardashians—and, therefore, you’ve been able to carve out a lucrative career for yourself. Imagine how tough it would be if you didn’t look like a pin-up and actually had to rely on talent alone. Scary, I know, but it’s the reality for many people—you know, like real musicians.

Oh, and one more thing, love, perhaps if you’re tired of all the attention that comes with being famous, you should reconsider the blue hair. Hair colors not found in nature are never a good choice when trying to blend in.

And now that I’ve said all that, please know that this is the absolute last bit of attention I’ll be giving you or your “career.”

After all, I know how much you hate it.

First Comes Love. Then Comes Marriage. Then Comes…

That’s right, fellow royal watchers, there’s big baby news! No, not for the overrated Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, but for the oft-forgotten Swedes. Swedish Crown Princess Victoria and her husband of close to two years, Prince Daniel, welcomed their highly anticipated heir on Thursday. The little princess, Estelle Silvia Eva Mary, is now third in line to the throne; and that noise you hear is the collective sigh of relief across Sweden, as this new addition means that Victoria’s brother, Prince Carl Philip, is now one spot further down the line.

TRH Crown Princess Victoria and Prince Daniel on their wedding day.

Up until rather recently, Carl Philip was fully embraced by his people, but within the last year or two he’s made some questionable life choices. Aside from the work-shy title that he's acquired, he’s also taken up with a former reality TV “star” – slash – nude model, who treated her Twitter followers to tales of dating the prince and making out with a female porn star (clearly she has no interest in being famous). Apparently, the prince is now cohabitating with said girlfriend, Sofia Hellqvist—whether merely to piss his parents off or because he actually enjoys her company remains to be seen—and the Swedish people are, overall, none too happy about the idea of a loose-lipped, attention-seeking reality TV star as their queen.

The prince and his "lady"

 

Can’t say I blame them.

But this new baby should alleviate their fears slightly. Not only is she the daughter of parents who both have a history of hard work—something that couldn’t necessarily be said of every royal spouse—but she’s obviously also the product of so much love. 

Can you feel the love tonight?

Seriously, where can I find myself a Daniel?

And, her introduction to the world was announced with a 21-gun salute. 

Doesn't get much better than that.