Her Cheating Heart

Unfortunately for Robert Pattison, it's not just Kristen Stewart's heart that's been cheating. Nope, it appears that she’s been engaging in some extracurricular activities with a man nearly twice her age. Sure, it's an old story—one that I'm sure you've all heard about—but fortunately for us, the break-up of this Twilight twosome is the gift that keeps on giving. 

 The loved-up couple when they were still loved-up.  

When the news broke that Bella had cheated on Edward with Rupert Sanders, the married director of her latest forgettable film, Snow White and the Hunstman, people were shocked, and I must admit, I was too—not because she’d cheated (hello, it's Hollywood), but because KStew is still getting work as an actress. Am I the only one aware of her total inability to act? This girl, at the ripe old age of 22, is already the clear front-runner for the Lifetime Achievement Razzie, ahead of such acting greats as Nicolas Cage and Cameron Diaz. That’s saying a lot.

But back on topic…

The irony gods were most definitely smiling on us with this one as, just weeks before, RPatz gave an interview to Italian Vanity Fair saying that he “never understood” people who cheat. It’s not surprising, then, that five seconds after the story broke, he was seen moving out of the bat cave he shared with his philandering lover.

Of course, the story is quite sad if you consider that these are real people, with real feelings, and not just performing monkeys whose sole purpose is to amuse us. The reality is, Sanders is married with two children. How long he’ll stay married is anyone’s guess, but his wife doesn’t appear to think it will be for long. She’s recently been seen without her wedding ring, which isn’t necessarily surprising, but is still awfully sad—at least for their kids.

As for Pattinson, who allegedly wrote love songs for his trampire (thank you, Will Ferrell, for the one funny thing you’ve ever said), and was rumored to be planning a marriage proposal any minute, he seems to be fairing okay. He clearly wins in the court of public opinion and he’s just not a good enough actor to put on a brave face that convincingly if there wasn’t some truth behind it. Now, far be it from me to judge anyone’s choice in partner—I myself have been known to make some really, really bad dating choices—but, really, what did he lose? Kristen Stewart? An exceedingly awkward, clown-dressing (see below), embarrassingly bad actress who has a perma-look of constipation on her face? No biggie. 

 Do you think she looked in the mirror and thought, "Damn! I look good!" The scariest part? She's allowed to vote.  

I never really understood what he saw in her in the first place (or, to be fair, vice versa). And now that he’s single, I’m sure there are plenty of girls impatiently waiting to pick up the pieces of his broken heart.

For instance, this girl:

Should we start taking bets on how long it will be before this YouTube darling has her own reality show?

Lucky for Robsten, the Twilight movies are in the can, so at least they’re saved from having to shoot uncomfortable love scenes. It's a shame, though, about the painfully long press tour they'll still have to embark on. How do you say “awkward” in Vampire? 

Someone Get This Girl a Muzzle. For Her Fingers.

I don’t usually feel the need to discuss LeAnn Rimes, mostly because she spends so much time discussing herself, but some of her recent tweets have motivated me to take action. Her Twitter addiction is truly unparalleled. I mean, does anyone even remember why she’s famous? What was her job before she started stealing husbands and word vomiting all over the internet?

And, speaking of word vomiting on Twitter, some of LeAnn’s recent        finger-talking is doozylicious. You may remember that before she became Mrs. Cibrian—a position that she reminds the world of on a near bi-second basis—she was married to a dancer named Dean Sheremet. On second thought, you may not know about Dean because Twitter had yet to be invented at that point. 

 LeAnn and her first husband, Dean, pre-Twitter 

Dean and LeAnn were married for seven years—until, that is, Ms. Rimes crossed paths and tongues with the also-married Eddie Cibrian, but I digress. The point is, Mr. Sheremet’s grandmother recently died. And when LeAnn found out about it, she gave him a heart-felt phone call and sent him a condolence card. Oh, wait. No she didn’t. She posted her condolences to his Twitter account. How classy. She was married to this guy for seven years, presumably got to know (and perhaps like) his family, and then did him wrong with her horny costar. And she couldn’t even pick up the phone? Send him a carnation or cookie bouquet? 

Of course, if she’d reached out privately, she would've missed a prime opportunity to show the world how “caring” she is. And let's be honest, when you’re trying to downplay your home-wrecking image, it’s very important that people know that you’re really a good person; that you're just misunderstood. We get it, LeAnn, you’re a saint.

Yeah, right. If you’ll buy that, I have some magic beans I’d love to show you.

I will say, though, that I recently realized why LeAnn’s so desperate for people to know that she’s Mrs. Cibrian, Eddie Cibrian’s wife, LeAnn Cibrian, Mrs. Eddie Cibrian, etc. Turns out that while old Edster was still married to his first wife, Brandi Glanville, and cheating on her with his current wife, LeAnn, he also had at least one other girlfriend. (Obviously he’s really good at monogamy.) Perhaps LeAnn thinks that if she’s with him, posting pictures of him, talking about him, and taking vacations with him, ALL THE TIME, he’ll never have a chance to stray. That’s a great plan, LeAnn, but who’s watching him when you go to the bathroom? 

 Eddie with his first ex-wife, Brandi (L) and second ex-wife, er, I mean, WIFE, LeAnn (R) 

All joking aside, she’s right to be on high alert. After all, you know what James Goldsmith said: “When a man marries his mistress it creates a job opportunity.” And considering that these two have been married for over a year now, I wouldn’t be surprised if Eddie has already started taking applications for that new position. 

What Goes Around Comes Around

Here’s a little tidbit you can file under Ironic. It actually happened last year, but was recently brought to my attention and was just too juicy not to share with all of you.

Stop me if you’ve heard this…

Remember Chris Hansen? The Dateline guy who uses hidden cameras to catch internet perverts; perverts who arrive at a house expecting a Biblical encounter with girls and boys of all single-digit ages and instead find a middle-aged man in a suit? You know, the To Catch a Predator guy. Yeah, turns out he was cheating on his wife and was caught. With a hidden camera.

   It always feels like, somebody's watching me...  

That’s right, fellow lovers of irony, the National Enquirer caught the investigative journalist on an illicit date with his Floridian conquest, whilst his wife (and mother of his two children) spent the night alone at their family home in Connecticut. Hansen was in Florida covering a “case” (code word for “bedding a bleach blonde who’s using you to further her career”) and allegedly started taking up with the former NBC intern.

Real. Classy.

Does it strike anyone else as odd that the man whose entire job revolves around hidden cameras, failed to consider the fact that he, too, could be the victim of such a ruse?

Let this cautionary tale be a lesson for us all: Don’t ever do anything wrong. And if you do, sure as heck make sure there’s no one there to document it.

I think I’ve just saved us all a little, or a lot (I’m not pointing any fingers), embarrassment.

You’re welcome.