A Royal Case of Baby Fever

I can admit it. He’s cute. Really cute. His parents may be in the top 5 most overrated people on the planet, but their baby is kind of adorable.

I’m sure you can guess who I’m talking about: Prince George of Cambridge, son of the delightfully dull Duke and Duchess of Cambridge (aka Kate and William Middleton). You’ve probably seen pictures from his christening, which occurred in late October, but in case you’re the one person in the world who hasn’t yet seen the little guy, feast your eyes on this:

Other Prince George-related items of note:

• His parents, who are just like you and me, bought their boy a baby carriage that cost over $2,000. I mean, don’t we all? And let’s be clear: This is not a stroller. He can’t grow into it. They won’t be using it for years to come. The life expectancy on this pram is another couple of months and then it’s retired. But, then, what do they care? It’s not their money.
  
  
  Perhaps you can’t be bothered to bargain shop when you’re so very busy “changing the face of the monarchy” by pretending to be down-to-earth.

• At the private tea held at Clarence House after the christening, guests were served slices of cake cut from a tier of William and Kate’s wedding cake. Incidentally, another slice of their wedding cake was just in the news after having been smuggled out of their wedding reception in 2011 and recently sold at a Beverly Hills auction for OVER $4,000. What? Maybe it was Wills and Kate who were behind the whole thing. Perhaps they used this ridiculously overpriced piece of cake to pay for their baby’s ridiculously overpriced carriage.
  
  But I doubt it.
  
  
  
• Little George is giving his mother gray hair. But not really. He’s being blamed for giving his mother gray hair, but there were plenty of pictures highlighting her gray hairs even before she was a duchess.
  
  
  
  
  Listen, as you know, I rarely pass up an opportunity to judge the Deficient Duchess, but even I think this has been blown out of proportion. People gray. It’s a fact of life. On the other hand, when all you’ve given people to judge you on is your appearance, you can’t exactly be surprised when they do.
  
  As for the folks saying, “Leave them alone and let them live their lives in private,” I say, “What?!” Royals don’t get to hide away, living life in private. That’s the deal. They get unlimited pampering and privilege, but with limited privacy. Kate knew this. And she chose this life anyway. A bit Faustian? Perhaps. But don’t tell me she didn’t know exactly what she was getting – or that I should feel sorry for her.

But enough about Kate. For now. I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that the British Royal Family is about to increase by yet one more – and, thankfully, I’m not talking about the Sweet Ginger Prince taking a wife. Yet.  

I’m referring instead to one of Princess Anne’s oft-forgotten children, Zara, who is currently gestating yet another great-grandchild for Britain’s beloved queen. You may remember Zara from last year’s London Olympics where, as other members of The Family sat idly by clapping and smiling, Zara was winning silver medals in the team equestrian event. But now, as she eases into her last trimester, she’s traded horses for homemaking – cooking, to be exact.

Zara may not technically have a title – a decision her mother made for both her and her brother – but I’d say she’s representing the royal family quite nicely. 

  Zara and her well-fed husband, Mike Tindall, at Prince George's christening.   

And it looks like another royal family will also soon be getting a visit from the stork. Sweden's Princess Madeleine and her husband, Chris O’Neill, are expecting their own little Swedish meatball next spring. If you remember, the two married in June and not long after came news of the pregnancy that “happened a little fast and very suddenly,” according to the princess. This will be the second grandbaby for Sweden’s king and queen, with Madeleine’s sister, Crown Princess Victoria, producing an heir in February of last year. This latest addition to the royal family is due to make his or her much(ish)-anticipated appearance in March.

Mark your calendars.

Princess Madeleine, with her husband Chris, hiding her baby bump.

And here...not so much.

Blame It on the (Golden) Showers

We have failed you, but it wasn’t intentional.

Blame it on work. Blame it on life. Blame it on the rain.

Actually, no, blame it on Kim Kardashian and the innocent byproduct of her poor life choices, Baby Kimye (whose real name is North West, by the way. They literally named their baby after a compass. This stuff practically writes itself).

It was our distraction with this ever-present train wreck that resulted in our complete and utter failure to keep you abreast of all things royal. And even if the Westdashians’ guilt couldn’t technically be proven beyond all reasonable doubt in a court of law, I’m fairly certain that nearly every negative thing in life is a result, either directly or indirectly, of Kim Kardashian.

BUT, it doesn’t really matter who’s to blame (although it’s still totally KK’s fault), the fact remains that there was a royal wedding…and we went nearly a month without reporting on it. The shame is only heightened by the fact that it was a real royal family, not some weird, under-the-radar royal family from a country you only hear about on Jeopardy.

Sadly, you still may not be aware of these recent nuptials, as they didn’t happen to a British royal and, you know, those Windsors are the only ones that really matter. How can the press possibly be expected to report on Sweden’s royals when Kate Middleton got up and put clothes on this morning? Over a baby bump! Does her talent know no bounds?! She is such an inspiration!

But this post isn’t about Kate or the royal family she invaded. No, this is Sweden’s turn in the spotlight. And Princess Madeleine shone brightly as she married her commoner husband in June. (Clearly the princess is obsessed with the Cambridges. I mean, first she copies their engagement-photo pose and then she chooses a spouse whose blood doesn’t run blue. The only difference is, Maddie married someone who knows how to work.)

The groom? A British-born, Manhattan-based banker named Chris O’Neill, whom the Swedish beauty apparently met in the Big Apple after fleeing there in an attempt to escape a broken heart (even princesses get cheated on). And escape it she did, in the arms of an average joe.

The two married at the Royal Palace, in front of many of the world’s royals and socialites, in a lavish wedding fit for a king. Or princess. The extravagant nuptials were then followed by a carriage ride through the capital and a public kiss. (Who does that remind you of? This obsession is getting creepy.)

Despite the wedding, Mr. Princess Madeleine of Sweden remains about as common as they come – for a successful, New York businessman, of course – as he apparently chose not to take a title, not wanting to become a Swedish citizen. He has, however, opted to wear a wedding ring, unlike other British-born grooms we know.

So, what now for these two? It’s said that they will soon return to their lives in Manhattan – and their jobs. Hmm, royal consorts who work?

Inconceivable!

First Comes Love. Then Comes Marriage. Then Comes…

That’s right, fellow royal watchers, there’s big baby news! No, not for the overrated Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, but for the oft-forgotten Swedes. Swedish Crown Princess Victoria and her husband of close to two years, Prince Daniel, welcomed their highly anticipated heir on Thursday. The little princess, Estelle Silvia Eva Mary, is now third in line to the throne; and that noise you hear is the collective sigh of relief across Sweden, as this new addition means that Victoria’s brother, Prince Carl Philip, is now one spot further down the line.

TRH Crown Princess Victoria and Prince Daniel on their wedding day.

Up until rather recently, Carl Philip was fully embraced by his people, but within the last year or two he’s made some questionable life choices. Aside from the work-shy title that he's acquired, he’s also taken up with a former reality TV “star” – slash – nude model, who treated her Twitter followers to tales of dating the prince and making out with a female porn star (clearly she has no interest in being famous). Apparently, the prince is now cohabitating with said girlfriend, Sofia Hellqvist—whether merely to piss his parents off or because he actually enjoys her company remains to be seen—and the Swedish people are, overall, none too happy about the idea of a loose-lipped, attention-seeking reality TV star as their queen.

The prince and his "lady"

 

Can’t say I blame them.

But this new baby should alleviate their fears slightly. Not only is she the daughter of parents who both have a history of hard work—something that couldn’t necessarily be said of every royal spouse—but she’s obviously also the product of so much love. 

Can you feel the love tonight?

Seriously, where can I find myself a Daniel?

And, her introduction to the world was announced with a 21-gun salute. 

Doesn't get much better than that.