So Long, Webster. It Was Nice Knowing You.

You may be surprised to hear that during ATG’s self-imposed hiatus, the world experienced quite a few disturbing occurrences that had absolutely nothing to do with the royals. It’s true. And one of the most upsetting (if you tend to overreact, which, let’s be honest, I do) was the changing of the definition of literally to literally mean the exact opposite of what it’s literally meant since it was invented.

Literally.

That is to say, literally now means virtually, or more specifically, not literally.

In other news, up now means down, hot now means cold and stunningly perfect now means totally overrated. Oh, wait, now all those articles about the Deficient Duchess make total sense!

It's official. Mr. Webster has decreed it so.

I’ve heard the argument that language is a living thing. It’s fluid. It changes over time. Fair enough. But this isn’t just a change. It’s a 180 degree transformation. It’s the repositioning of a word to mean the exact opposite of what it literally means.

And do you know what’s behind this shameful alteration – or, more specifically, who?

The Kardashians.

The Kardashians are, no surprise, not very smart. They’ve proven this time and again. And it was their inability to use the word literally correctly that eventually led to this language overhaul. Apparently they don’t understand the concept behind vocabulary – that words have meanings assigned to them; you can’t just make it up as you go along – probably because they don’t know what vocabulary is, or even what it means. But that’s okay; they’ll just start using the word vocabulary incorrectly on their show, and after several years, poof! the definition will change.

But why in the world have we allowed the Kardashians’ ignorance to dictate how we speak? Why do we permit this embarrassment of a family to alter and, in essence, destroy hundreds of years of tradition? Is this really a group that we want to model ourselves after?

Like them or not, one thing’s obvious: This family has a lot of power and it’s a sad commentary on us as a culture.

Anyway, since apparently anyone can dictate massive changes in language, I’ve decided that judgment is now spelled with an extra E (judgement) because I think that’s how God intended it, and knife no longer has a silent K, because, really, what’s the point of a silent K?! It’s stupid. And now it’s gone. You’re welcome.

Oh, and I’m doing away with the word pernicious because I can never remember what it means.

So, there you have it. Changes to the English language courtesy of the Kardashians and ATG. Feel free to get in on the action. What changes do you want to make? Apparently anyone can do it.

Literally.