Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Wet T-Shirt Contest, Royal Edition

So we meet again, dear readers.  Two days in a row - this not being at work thing is amazing...

Everyone's favorite Windsor, the ever handsome, ever entertaining, ever not-bald, Harry was in Croatia this weekend (I know, weird).  And he fell into a pool.  Expected, Drunken Harry.


Hot, even mid poo squat.
And I love it.  What the Daily Mirror didn't report is that this was a gift for a very, very, very special co-author of this blog, the divine Miss R.  For Miss R.'s birthday is upon us. 

And what's even more magical, is there is a video.



That Ginger Prince, he's a giver.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Boyfriend of the Week

Hello dear readers,

As promised forever ago, this week's boyfriend of the week is Mr.  Ryan Reynolds.

You have eyes, no?

Not only is he gorgeous, he is also a good actor, seems like a good person, and woke up from the spell of sex tricks that awful Scar-Jo put on him.

And I promise, this isn't some silly ploy to be able to talk about the awful Kate Middleton (who has been getting far too much love recently- although, Kim Kartrashian, come on!)  I mean, I'd never use Ryan.

Um, on second thought...
I take that back, I would use him... for so many things.  That's a promise and a threat, Mr. Reynolds...

Sunday, August 28, 2011

It’s Official: E! Has Jumped the Shark

In an effort to cash in on everything royal, while at the same time promoting its cash cows, the Kardashians, E! has written what could quite possibly be the most ridiculous (non-political) article ever.

That’s a pretty heavy claim considering this is the network that brought us such gems as, Anatomy of a Split: Minka and Derek as well as an in-depth editorial on why Britney Spears deserves a Lifetime Achievement Award at this year’s VMAs. And who could forget that this is also the channel that gave Joan Rivers her own show. Critiquing fashion. Ninety-five years in the biz does not a fashion guru make, no matter how loudly you tell us it does, Joan.

But, undoubtedly, E!’s most beloved characters are the Kardashians (or Kartrashians as they’re affectionately referred to in some circles). They are, without question, the network’s First Family, starring in no fewer than four shows on the E! channel. I, myself, rarely watch these shows - mostly because I can only take hearing the word “literally” used incorrectly so many times before I, literally, want to shoot myself in the head.

Point being, the E! network will do anything to keep the Kardashian name out there, which I have to assume is the reason they’ve come up with their most recent gem: Are the Kardashians the New Royals?. I hope that’s the reason, at least. I can’t imagine that any full-thinking person would actually believe this was a legitimate comparison.

Are the Kardashians the new royals?, they ask. Depends. Royal what? Royal pains in the butt? Sure. Royally untalented? Of course. Royal family? Uh, doubtful.

Let’s break it down:

Kim Kardashian vs. Kate Middleton

Kim Kardashian (L) and the Duchess (R)



 
Admittedly they’re both famous for doing very little besides breathing. And they both have questionable fashion sense; wearing things that anybody else would be absolutely torn apart for, but that somehow make them “fashion icons.” Oh yeah, and they both have brown hair.

Okay, so maybe that one’s not so far-fetched.


Kris Humphries (aka Mr. Kim Kardashian) vs. Prince William

Mr. Kim Kardashian (L) and the Duke (R)



Uh, let’s see: one graduated from a prestigious university and then went on to serve his country in the Royal Air Force; and currently, when he’s not performing his royal duties, he works as a Search and Rescue helicopter pilot.

The other is, well, really tall.


Kris Jenner vs. Queen Elizabeth

Mama Kardashian (L) and the Queen (R)

This one’s so ludicrous that I’m left speechless. (Comparing stage mom, Kris, to Kate’s mom, Calculating Carole Middleton, would’ve made a lot more sense.) And the comparison of sleazy Scott Disick (Kourtney Kardashian’s baby daddy) and the lovely Prince Harry is not much better.

The Baby Daddy (L) and the Sweet Ginger Prince (R)
 
Seriously, I think I threw up in my mouth a little.

There are plenty more Royal Kardashian comparisons - some that make sense and some that obviously had to be stretched almost as much as Kim Kardashian’s spandex shorts. The reality is, the Kardashians are about as far from royalty as you can get. I understand that we in the States would like our own royal family, but there are saner ways to go about it. I mean, let’s face it, even the Real Housewives of New Jersey, with their orange skin and bedazzled everything, are more royal than the Kartrashians.

And to that I say, long live King Caroline Manzo!

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Nicolas Cage: Bad Actor or Bad Choices?


Lest you think that we here at All That Glitters are only critical of women, this entry should prove that we are, in fact, equal-opportunity judgers.

Today’s great debate centers on Nicolas Cage’s acting ability (or lack thereof). Sure, he’s won an Oscar, but if you pay any attention to this blog, you know that I don’t put much stock in the Academy. Until Johnny Depp wins his much-deserved, little-man statue, I refuse to believe that the Oscars are anything more than a well-decorated auction, with the award going to the highest bidder (which comes in the form of bribery).

But I digress…

The question before us today is: Does Nicolas Cage pick crummy roles in crummy movies, or does he make the roles and movies crummy simply by being in them? Sure, he’s been in some entertaining flicks; and, I’ll admit, there have been instances when, as I sat there watching one of his films, I’ve even forgotten how very terrible he is. I personally feel, however, that this particular anomaly speaks to the caliber of the supporting cast, and has little to do with the Cage’s actual talent.

I could be wrong, but I'm not.

I will contend, however, that it's slightly possible that his being Francis Ford Coppola’s nephew has nothing to do with his success. Perhaps his acting talents are at the same level as Colin Firth and Anthony Hopkins, other Oscar winners; perhaps the acting method he invented, “Nouveau Shamanic,” will in time come to be as respected as Stanislavski’s; and perhaps Leann Rimes could win a pie-eating contest.

All you Nicky Cage fans, though, take heart. After perusing Mr. Cage’s IMDB page, it appears that he has no fewer than six upcoming projects – which means, there will be no shortage of the Cage’s stilted speech and awkward hairpiece in the coming months.

Looks like Christmas has come early for some good boys and girls (with questionable taste)!

Sunday, August 7, 2011

The Not-so-Jolly, Green-with-Envy Giant

My adorable grandparents recently celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary, something I find to be a pretty incredible feat considering I can’t even imagine committing to a pair of jeans or a hair color for 60 years, let alone a person. And, as you would expect, such a huge accomplishment required an equally huge celebration.

It was in preparing for this celebration, that it became painfully clear to me yet again that the shoe industry discriminates against its taller clientele; more specifically, they simply don’t make cute shoes with low(ish) heels.

I have it from a reliable source that Princess Diana, in an effort to not dwarf her rather dwarf-like husband, brought flat and low-heeled shoes into fashion. I appreciate this stylistic move. Apparently, however, the fashion industry’s embrace of more statuesque women died right along with the former princess.

Princess Di proves that basic can be beautiful

Note to Jimmy Choo: Some girls are tall enough already, we don’t need 4-inch platform heels. But we’d prefer not to have to sport the orthopedic look either. When you lose the heel, do you automatically have to lose the fashionability as well? It’s an honest question, as my experience has offered countless options with ankle-breaking height or, on the flip side, flats that look like they’d be most at home in Nurse Ratched’s closet.

Where are the sleek, fashionable low-heeled shoes for the tall girls?! You can say a lot about Kate Middleton (and I have) but she’s done the long-legged bunch of us a great service by embracing her vertical boundary-busting status. She’s constantly seen sporting heels that add a good three inches to her (alleged) 5’10” frame. (You can do that when you marry a tall prince, as opposed to an elfin one, like her late mother-in-law.) And for that I say, God bless you, Kate Middleton. God bless you.

Kate Middleton sports stilettos fit for a princess

Thanks to the efforts of the former Ms. Middleton and her statuesque counterparts, perhaps there will come a day when our leggy descendants can walk into a room, in fabulous stiletto heels, and not feel incredibly awkward for being the tallest person there. Today, however - at least as far as I’m concerned - is not that day.

Which just goes to show that, just because the shoe fits, it doesn’t mean you should necessarily buy it.

Friday, August 5, 2011

The Girlfriend Needs to Eat a Sandwich Club

Many of us remember Leann Rimes when she was just a sweet, young thing with a cherub face and Aretha voice.

THEN

Unfortunately, somewhere between her seraphic youth and home-wrecking adulthood, she came to look less like Teen Angel and, instead, has recently taken on more of a Skeletor appearance…only less healthy looking.

 
Eating disorders are, of course, never a laughing matter, but this poor girl has taken delusion to a whole new level (and if anyone understands delusion, it’s me). And so it is that she finds herself on our list. For, you see, Leann seems to suffer from a terrible case of verbal diarrhea. Apparently the laxatives that she may or may not be taking have affected her maxillofacial area as well.

And, it appears, her favorite method of spreading her own brand of TMI across the universe, is the Internet – or, more specifically, Twitter. I, myself, don’t “Tweet” – simply because my life is so boring, I don’t even want to know what I’m doing from minute to minute – but from what I hear, she’s quite the Twitteraholic. (You’d think a newlywed would have better things to do with her time, but I guess I’m just old-fashioned.)

And, although she feels the need to fill the cyber world with countless delusional sound bites, my absolute favorite was her response to a (concerned?) fan (?) who mentioned that Leann may want to make the acquaintance of a Twinkie (or thirty); that perhaps her low self-esteem wasn’t the only thing that was showing; and that, except for on your dinner plate or a Parisian runway, visible ribs are never a good look.

Here was Ms. Rimes’s well-thought-out response:  

“…those are called abs not bones love.”

NOW

Granted, I’m not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV, but I’m fairly certain “abs” implies muscle, of which I see none. Anywhere. It’s unfortunate, really, as she used to be a fairly good-looking human being, and now she just looks like a less-attractive cousin of the Berenstain Bears. But, perhaps worst of all, it seems that with each pound she lost, she also lost any semblance of a sense of humor or attractive personality.

But, at the end of the day, who can really blame her? After all, don’t we all get a little beast-like when we’re hungry?