Tuesday, November 27, 2012

A Judgment-Scented Potpourri

In case you haven’t heard, sometimes fact really is stranger than fiction. Just ask Halle Berry, Gabriel Aubry and Olivier Martinez. Actually, the story starts out fairly normally: Boy meets girl nine years his senior. They live in sin. She gets pregnant. They break up. Girl starts dating a French boy and tries to take her baby to France. A judge says no way, José (or, perhaps more appropriately, no way, René). Old boy and new boy get in a fistfight on the Day of Giving Thanks. Restraining orders are filed on both sides.

It’s an age-old story, really, one that we’ve all heard a thousand times. Here’s where it gets weird. And for this, you’ll need visuals.

Here’s a pic of the old boy, Aubry, after the incident:


And here’s a picture of the new boy, Martinez, a few days later. By the way, he’s on his way to the doctor. For an injured hand.


One of these guys was arrested and charged with assault. Can you guess which one? I’ll give you a hint: It’s not the guy with the suspiciously injured hand.

Weird.

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In case you haven’t heard, it’s a girl! For Corey and Topanga. Remember them? On Boy Meets World? Who didn’t love that show? TGIF rocked my world. It was a sad, sad day when the kids from John Adams High graduated from college and moved to NYC, leaving us at home to wonder where their lives would take them. But now we know. Apparently their lives took them to the bedroom, where they made a baby girl. And now she’s 13 and about to make her television debut. Yep, you read that right: Corey and Topanga are returning to a TV near you! Girl Meets World (not the most original title, I’ll give you that) will feature the Matthews family as they navigate life with a teenager. (Are we all old enough to have teenagers?!) 

Boy Meets World cast, making room for baby!

No word yet on whether Shawn, Eric, Jack, or Mr. Feeny will be making an appearance, but I’m pretty sure that if we all get out our Treasure Trolls and rub their jeweled stomachs REALLY hard, we can make it happen. You just have to believe!

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In case you haven’t heard, sometimes people really do bite the hand that feeds them. The latest jaw cruncher is Angus T. Jones of Two and a Half Men. In case the name isn’t ringing any bells, he plays the “half,” Jake. He also reportedly makes $300,000 PER EPISODE. But apparently he’s no longer happy with this arrangement, recently referring to the show as “filth” and urging people not to watch it. I’m not saying I disagree with him; I’m just saying that this seems like an odd career move (which does lead me to wonder if it's all a publicity stunt). Apparently the verbal diarrhea that Charlie Sheen suffered from was contagious, as it seems to have spread through the cast. Wonder who will catch it next?

  The Two and a Half Men cast better invest in some hand sanitizer and face masks to prevent the verbal diarrhea from spreading any further.    

So, until next time, my friends, don’t forget to stop and smell the judgment.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Ass-centuate the Positive

Apparently Kim Kardashian has never heard this expression. Or perhaps she just thinks it’s equally as important to accentuate the not-so-positive, evidenced by some of her latest wardrobe choices. Listen, I’m fully aware that it’s not Kim Kardashian’s fault that she has a GIANT behind (unless you believe the rumor that she got a butt implant, which I don’t) and I know that we here at ATG are not always the most complimentary of Her Royal Buttness, but seriously, she brings a lot of it on herself. She makes SO MANY bad choices, choices that result in it being virtually impossible not to make her the butt of our jokes. (See what I did there?)

For instance, she wears these (totally unflattering) leather pants about as frequently as Jennifer Aniston makes unwatchable movies (read: ALL THE TIME). I tried to give her a pass—I too have a favorite pair of pants that I practically live in—then I saw this picture:


I’m sure it super sucks to be so “famous” that you have people standing behind you on an escalator taking pictures of your hindquarters. However, this is what she wanted; she wanted to be famous. She courts attention like Taylor Swift courts bad relationships, so I don’t feel too badly for her.

Perhaps she should ask Santa to bring her a rearview mirror for Christmas. That way she’ll always know what she looks like from behind, as well as from the front—although, let’s be honest, do we really think there’s a lack of mirrors in any Kardashian household? To quote Kevin McCallister, “I don’t think so.” And considering that she recently left the house looking like this (see below), apparently she has trouble with the front view as well (but trust me when I say that the back view is even worse on this one). So probably mirrors, or lack thereof, are not really the problem.


And since I’m on a roll, why stop the judgment parade now? Careful, it’s about to get snarkilicious up in here.

Kim Kardashian is CONSTANTLY talking about how she works out all the time; she’s seen in pictures walking into and out of gyms; she tweets about going to the gym; and on and on. My question is, what does she do once she’s actually IN the gym? Listen, I will never hate on someone who works out a lot and doesn’t have a perfect body because I myself could fall into this category, but this girl has NO—as in zero, not an ounce—of muscle. I defy you to find any. She obviously goes to the gym—puts on the shoes and the see-through spandex pants—but what does she do once she’s there? Eat cake? A bucket of chicken? Because it sure doesn’t look like she’s running on the treadmill or lifting weights. Perhaps she considers lifting fork to mouth exercise. And perhaps if she didn’t wear sheer skirts (sans Underoos) and nasty leather pants, thereby accentuating her not-so-positives, I wouldn’t feel the need to point them out either.

Let’s be clear, I do feel a bit sorry for her. I’m exceedingly glad that there’s not someone standing behind me taking pictures of all my worst angles and bloggers writing about them. But, then, I didn’t make a sex tape in a desperate attempt to be famous.

And that’s the difference.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

He’s Too Sexy for His Shirt
(which is why he rarely wears one)

It’s a bittersweet day, ladies (and gents; I’m not judging). Bradley Cooper’s reign as People’s Sexiest Man Alive is over. Can we have a short moment of silence, please? 


Oh, Bradley, how we'll miss you...for a second.

Now for the good news: when People closes a sexiest door, they open a sexier window. Enter this year’s Sexiest Man…


Mr. Sexy

CHANNING TATUM!

Here’s why I like him: He’s pretty funny (some might not think it’s important that he have a personality when he has a body like that. I disagree); I find his movies to be more or less enjoyable; He seems to love his wife (sorry ladies…and gents; I’m not judging); He’s tall; He doesn’t run away from his past; and, most importantly, he’s older than I am (this seems to be happening less and less frequently; apparently I’m very, very old).

And because I know that you’ll feel totally cheated if you don’t also get a shirtless Channing Tatum pic, ta da!


 Yep, it sure is lucky for him that he has such a great personality...  

As for Bradley Cooper (if any of you were able to tear yourself away from a topless Tater and continue reading), although I’m sad to see him go, I think it’s probably for the best. Maybe now that he's no longer obligated to carry out Sexiest Man duties, he'll finally be able to get some sleep. It's pretty obvious that he's terribly overworked and sleep-deprived. I mean, what other reason could there be for his perpetually bloodshot eyes?