Friday, September 7, 2012

The Girlfriend Needs to Eat a
Sandwich Club

Let me preface this by saying that I love Jennifer Connelly. Love. With a capital L. I think she’s beautiful and talented—even in stinkers like Dark Water—which is probably why she doesn’t get much respect from Hollywood. They tend not to support talent and substance, preferring instead to bow at the altar of the vacuous and vapid.

Quite honestly, I was surprised at my newfound JConn love. For years, my only exposure to her was the off-putting flick Labyrinth—which was obviously created by the same folks behind Disney’s Alice in Wonderland (read: those who avail themselves of mind-altering substances)—which we watched every year at a friend’s annual sleep-over birthday party. Between Jen’s eyebrows and David Bowie’s, well, everything, I just never got the appeal. In fact, I’ve come to hate the name Toby simply because it’s said approximately 5,137 times throughout the movie (and because, let's be honest, I hate Tobey Maguire).

It wasn’t actually until fairly recently that I came to truly like and appreciate Jennifer (and her equally talented husband, Paul Bettany). And it’s precisely because of this love and appreciation that I feel obligated to say, Girlfriend needs to eat a sandwich!

Look, obviously Girlfriend’s always been slim, but these latest pics make her look like she’s taking dieting tips (and laxatives) from Kate Middleton and LeAnn Rimes. Her legs look almost skeletal. In her defense—and in order to avoid any cease and desist letters—I should say that there’s a possibility that it’s just the angle or lighting. I sincerely doubt it. But it’s possible. 


I sure hope she hasn’t crumbled under Hollywood’s weight-obsessed pressure. She’s too good, too talented, for that. And if she has decided to take a page out of Duchess Not-So-Weighty’s book, she best proceed with caution. The skin-draped-bones look doesn’t wear well on anyone—especially as they age—and emaciation chic is SO last season. 

However, despite JConn’s apparent antagonist relationship with dinner, she’s fared pretty well—at least when you consider that she was a child actor. We’ve all seen how wrong that can go. But if Girlfriend doesn’t avail herself of a very large, very greasy sandwich soon, she’s destined to go down as just another cautionary, “eat your veggies,” tale. And that would be a tragedy on pretty much every level.  

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Fashion Fail of the Week

In truth, this fashion fail could probably be considered the fashion fail of the month or even the millennium. I’m talking, of course, about Miley Cyrus—she’s a walking fashion fail, after all—and, more specifically, her latest hairdo. Have you seen this?

Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Crazy

Just the latest bad choice in a lengthy list of them. In fact, if you’ve ever considered entering your child into show business, I’d say: don’t. And if for some strange reason you need more proof than just my incredible insight, I’d say: look no further than Miley Cyrus. She’s a walking public service announcement for keeping your children safely at home and out of the limelight.

It’s sad, really. She used to be Disney’s darling and now she’s just a cautionary tale with a smoker’s voice.

It’s not too late to turn it around, though, Miley. Do it for yourself. Do it for your surprisingly good-looking fiancĂ© (still don’t know how you made that happen, but good for you). Do it for the children. And, most importantly, do it for your dad, before all your bad life choices completely shatter his achy breaky heart.  

(Where’s a rimshot when you really need one?)

Surely She Jests

Proving yet again how out of touch with the real world she is, Kim Kardashian was caught, ON CAMERA, claiming that she’s worked hard for everything she has. Go ahead and pick your jaw up off the floor. I’ll wait. No one would be able to hear me over the hysterical laughter anyway. It’s okay; take your time. Ready? Good, let’s proceed.

I believe Ms. Kardashian’s exact words were, “…no one ever gave me anything.” Of course, she then followed it with, “I told mom 'This is exactly what I want to do,' and she made it happen.” So which is it, Kimbo? You either do it on your own or your mom makes it happen. As far as I can see, you can’t have it both ways.

Just for argument’s sake, let me give you the context of the comment. It won’t matter. At all. But I’m going to do it anyway. Don’t say I never gave you anything.

Here goes…

The Kardashian clan recently found themselves filming a “therapy session” scene for their “television show.” It was during this session that Kim made the outrageous claim to her brother, Rob, who she felt hasn’t been trying hard enough to be successful. Now, let me preface this by saying that I believe 99.9% of what happens on this show (which, disclaimer, I don’t watch…under any circumstances) is scripted. However, considering Kim owes her fame to a sex tape and very little else, perhaps she should be careful about the advice she dispenses. It’s a long fall off that high, bedazzled horse.  

Rob and his wise sister, Kim. Who needs Solomon, Gandhi, and Mr. Miyagi when you have Keeping Up with the Kardashians?  

Listen, I’ll be the first to admit that she took her five minutes and ran with it. For that, she—and her family—should get some credit. After all, not everyone with a famous sex tape is still relevant—right, Paris?—but c’mon! She makes it sound like she spent years working three jobs; foregoing vacations, new clothes, and sometimes dinner in order to save money; walking uphill to school, in the snow, every day for years; and investing countless amounts of blood, sweat and tears in order to—one day—maybe be successful. False. She had a well-connected dad who, in turn, introduced her to well-connected families.

Let’s be clear: She may’ve worked hard, but people have given her things and to suggest anything less is laughable and offensive to those who really have worked their way up from the bottom. It just goes to show, in case there was ever any doubt, how truly out of touch Kim Kardashian is. Of course, considering this woman is dating Kanye West and buying $150,000 cars, I suppose most of us already knew that.

And it’s probably precisely why people watch her show.