Cheeseburgers in Paradise

Folks, I have big news. Like, really big. Earth-shattering even. Finally, after an excruciatingly long wait and many, many sleepless nights (just me?), the secret to Tom Brady and his lovely wife Gisele Bundchen’s supermodel bodies has been revealed.

And today, my friends, I’m going to share that very secret with you. It’s really going to change your life. Ready? The secret is…

Money.

Yes, the beauty and his wife have loads of those gorgeous greenbacks. And they spend at least some of them on a private chef who makes them delicious meals full of veggies, grass-fed steak, chicken and salmon. All organic of course. According to their chef, “If it’s not organic, I don’t use it.” The Brundchens also ingest no coffee - or caffeine of any kind - no dairy, and no tomatoes because, allegedly, they cause inflammation. Who knew? Apparently I’ve been eating crates of tomatoes in my sleep.

Other helpful hints? No sugar, white flour or MSG. What?! I think my brain might explode. When did sugar and flour become bad for you? Oh right, 1994.

The organically inclined Brundchens

So, if you win tonight’s Powerball, or for some other reason have the million dollars necessary to buy only organic foodstuffs, and, oh yeah, HIRE A PRIVATE CHEF TO COOK THEM FOR YOU, then you too could look like a supermodel. Or his wife. Obviously money doesn’t automatically give you a Sports Illustrated body (see: Oprah), but it certainly helps. And anyone who denies this fact has obviously forgotten what it’s like to be poor (see: Oprah).

Personally, I think this is a genius move on Gisele’s part. If you require your football-playing husband to subsist on a diet of quinoa and seaweed, then when he finally gets a little freedom – say, at an away game – he probably won’t be interested in cheating on you with a woman; he’ll be much more likely to cheat on you with a cheeseburger. Well played, Gisele. Well played.  

And speaking of lifelong marriages (or not), congratulations to former president George H.W. Bush and his lovely wife Barbara who are celebrating their 71^st wedding anniversary today. Those 71 years have surely been fruitful, producing six children (one of whom died of leukemia at age 3), eight years at Number One Observatory Circle, four years at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., and eight years (which I’m fairly certain will be the only years; sorry, Jeb) as the parents of the occupant of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.  

January 6, 1945

Congratulations again to Mr. and Mrs. Bush! May we all be so lucky as to find someone who loves us through 71 years of ups and downs – and who lets us eat the occasional taco. Or tomato.