Cheeseburgers in Paradise

Folks, I have big news. Like, really big. Earth-shattering even. Finally, after an excruciatingly long wait and many, many sleepless nights (just me?), the secret to Tom Brady and his lovely wife Gisele Bundchen’s supermodel bodies has been revealed.

And today, my friends, I’m going to share that very secret with you. It’s really going to change your life. Ready? The secret is…

Money.

Yes, the beauty and his wife have loads of those gorgeous greenbacks. And they spend at least some of them on a private chef who makes them delicious meals full of veggies, grass-fed steak, chicken and salmon. All organic of course. According to their chef, “If it’s not organic, I don’t use it.” The Brundchens also ingest no coffee - or caffeine of any kind - no dairy, and no tomatoes because, allegedly, they cause inflammation. Who knew? Apparently I’ve been eating crates of tomatoes in my sleep.

Other helpful hints? No sugar, white flour or MSG. What?! I think my brain might explode. When did sugar and flour become bad for you? Oh right, 1994.

The organically inclined Brundchens

So, if you win tonight’s Powerball, or for some other reason have the million dollars necessary to buy only organic foodstuffs, and, oh yeah, HIRE A PRIVATE CHEF TO COOK THEM FOR YOU, then you too could look like a supermodel. Or his wife. Obviously money doesn’t automatically give you a Sports Illustrated body (see: Oprah), but it certainly helps. And anyone who denies this fact has obviously forgotten what it’s like to be poor (see: Oprah).

Personally, I think this is a genius move on Gisele’s part. If you require your football-playing husband to subsist on a diet of quinoa and seaweed, then when he finally gets a little freedom – say, at an away game – he probably won’t be interested in cheating on you with a woman; he’ll be much more likely to cheat on you with a cheeseburger. Well played, Gisele. Well played.  

And speaking of lifelong marriages (or not), congratulations to former president George H.W. Bush and his lovely wife Barbara who are celebrating their 71^st wedding anniversary today. Those 71 years have surely been fruitful, producing six children (one of whom died of leukemia at age 3), eight years at Number One Observatory Circle, four years at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., and eight years (which I’m fairly certain will be the only years; sorry, Jeb) as the parents of the occupant of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.  

January 6, 1945

Congratulations again to Mr. and Mrs. Bush! May we all be so lucky as to find someone who loves us through 71 years of ups and downs – and who lets us eat the occasional taco. Or tomato.

Boyfriend of the Week

It appears that the New England Patriots only have two criteria on which they judge prospective quarterbacks: 1) their ability to throw a ball and 2) their ability to have a second career as a Calvin Klein model (assuming, of course, that they don’t have too many Marcia Brady, football-to-the-face moments).

And after watching Tom Brady’s performance on Monday night, I’m not so convinced that the football-throwing part is even that important anymore. 

Being Tom Brady is really, really hard.

What also became apparent on Monday night was the fact that Tom Brady may no longer be the World’s Prettiest Patriot. In fact, it was due to Brady’s major league suckage, that this shocking revelation came to light.

Let me set the stage for you. It’s Monday Night Football. A featured game. The Patriots, those Super Bowl darlings, are down 41-7 to the Kansas City Chiefs – who are good, but not that good – and Tom Brady gets benched. Should I repeat that? TOM BRADY GOT BENCHED.

Benched.

As in, no longer invited to play.

For those of you who don’t speak football, this would be like Barbara Streisand being ushered off the stage mid-Tonys performance for being pitchy. Or Eric Ripert cooking a meal fit only for McDonald’s. Or Taylor Swift recording a good song. It just doesn’t happen. Ever.   

The benching in and of itself is a very big deal. But it got better. In comes rookie quarterback Jimmy Garoppola, who not only throws a touchdown on his opening drive, but manages to look like a flipping Abercrombie model as he’s doing it. 

Wow, you're incredibly good-looking; maybe you could do that for a career.
Or...you could just stick to football.

I sense that the Patriots may have just increased their fan base by quite a lot – and they managed to do it even after suffering a humiliating loss, with the final score being 41-14. You don’t even have to speak football to know how awful that score is; although, the OCD in me appreciates the symmetry.

But, back to Jimmy. He’s an Illinois-born lad (love those Midwestern boys) and a graduate of Eastern Illinois University, which, incidentally, is also Tony Romo’s alma mater. Another fun Jimmy fact is that he was born in 1991. 1991. Are people who were born in 1991 even walking yet? Eating solid food? Using the big boy potty? How is that possible? Wasn’t 1991 approximately five minutes ago?

Can you believe all this fuss over little old me?

It didn’t take long for the rumblings of a New England quarterback controversy to start, but I think that talk is a little premature. I certainly don’t expect Brady to lose his spot on the field anytime soon. His position off the field, however, that of the hunkiest hunk in all of football, well, that may be in some jeopardy. And it is for precisely this reason that I predict Tom Brady will have a great game this weekend, in an effort to erase any lingering memories people may have of his backup – not that his backup is a competent football player, no, but instead, about just how dang pretty that Jimmy Garoppola is.