Monday, March 31, 2014

Katemazing

I stumbled across an article today on Yahoo entitled, Everything Amazing Kate Middleton Did in 2013. On the list? Dressing herself (while pregnant, no less) and grocery shopping. Funny how tasks that are accomplished every day by virtually EVERY OTHER PERSON IN THE WORLD become “amazing” feats when completed by the Duchess.

Before I found fame and fortune in the fast-paced and always exciting world of advertising, I spent many years nannying. The way the media deals with Kate is similar to how I used to deal with the children I sat for. When one of them learned to tie her shoes, use the grownup potty, or chew with his mouth closed, we always made a really big deal out of it. These are all pretty amazing accomplishments for children – something to be heralded – but once one passes the age of, I don’t know, four, it stops being amazing and starts being expected. I mean, if I were Kate, I might be slightly insulted that my being able to put clothes on was newsworthy.

  Here's Kate at a friend's wedding on Sunday - not only dressed but ALSO with a hat on. A-MAZING. Why, I do believe this amazing lady has earned herself yet another vacation.     

Other “amazing” things Kate did last year? Renovate her house and give birth. Listen, I’m not saying the act of childbirth isn’t amazing – it is – but it’s not exactly a rare occurrence. Thousands of women do it every day – and no one writes articles about how amazing they are. So on behalf of Yahoo, let me say: If you have given birth, gone grocery shopping, or gotten dressed in your lifetime, you are amazing. And if you’ve done it all in one year?! Well, you’re not only amazing, but also duchess-caliber.

Did I just make your day or what?

And speaking of the child who is mostly heard (of) and not seen, little George’s parents recently released a family photo of the four of them (the fourth being the dog, Lupo) hanging out the window of their aforementioned newly renovated “apartment” in Kensington Palace. I wouldn’t be at all surprised to learn that the release of this picture was to counteract all the negative press the Loathsome Twosome has gotten for a) going on yet another vacation, one that allegedly cost upwards of $10,000, b) leaving their 8-month-old son at home for an entire week while they frolicked in a tropical paradise, and c) allegedly missing said son’s first crawl.

I assume that after that kind of truth bomb marginally negative press, this calculating couple needed to present as a cohesive family unit; to show that their family, especially their baby, is priority number 1.

The happy (and amazing) family

I’m not really buying it, but a lot of folks are. In fact, a lot of folks seem to think that Kate and William deserved – seriously, I saw use of the word deserved – their Maldives vacation. I’m not entirely sure what they’ve done to deserve yet another vacation, particularly when Kate was just on a tropical holiday barely a month before, but I suppose being superior to virtually every other person on the planet is fairly exhausting.

Actually, scratch that. Being superior to virtually every other person on the planet is exhausting.

Believe me. I know.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Skirting the Issue

Leading up to the Oscars, there was a lot of chatter and speculation about what – or, more specifically, who – people would be wearing. You might think that this speculation was directed solely at those people actually attending the Oscars, but you would be wrong. As you know, the (American) media never passes up the chance to drag the Deficient Duchess into a story. She wasn’t scheduled to be at the Oscars, had no intention of being at the Oscars, but that didn’t stop an article entitled, “Kate Middleton at the Oscars: What the Duchess should wear” from being written. And published.

I must admit, it piqued my curiosity enough to click on the story. (I know. I fell right into their trap. I’m so ashamed.) It seemed a bit surprising that Kate would be at the Oscars, but not entirely outside the realm of possibility. As I began to read the article however, I realized that I’d been had. It was just a story – full of style “experts” – advising Kate on what she should wear to a place that she had no intention of going. They might as well have written a story about what Kate should wear on a trip to Kabul. To the moon. To work.

It was a royal sham. And that’s all I’m going to say about that.

But before I switch gears entirely, I’d like to give a shout-out to my girl Cate Blanchett, who was at the Academy Awards and who won her very first Best Actress Oscar!

What can I say? I'm kind of awesome.

If the Academy keeps making good and respectable choices such as these, they may actually earn back some of the respect they lost after the Nicolas Cage/James Cameron/Renee Zellweger debacles.

Who thought this was a good idea?

But I wouldn't hold my breath.

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming: Kate Middleton.

Our favorite duchess has been making lots of headlines lately and, surprise surprise, it’s not for her charity work. You may (not) be surprised to hear that, although she was on holiday in Mustique with baby George and the rest of the Meddleton clan in February, she and her husband are now on a “second honeymoon” in the Maldives. They apparently left their baby at home, but they did bring several taxpayer-funded Scotland Yard detectives with them. For someone who lives such a pampered life, she sure does take a lot of vacations. (And again I ask, what is it exactly that she needs a vacation from?) Of course, I too am about to take a vacation, where I'll be spending 24 hours in the car with my mom and sister on a trip to Wisconsin to help my grandmother move. So I guess I’m living a pretty glamorous life too. Envy me.

Aside from the limitless vacations, the most recent story that won’t die is that Kate is pregnant again – with a girl this time. But before you start placing bets on whether the baby’s name will be Elizabeth, Victoria or Tiffani, you should know that it was Star Magazine that “broke” this story, which makes one inclined to take it with a grain of salt. Of course, just when you think Star is all fluff and lies, it goes and breaks a legitimate story and tilts the world on its axis. Point is, I wouldn’t dismiss this tale entirely. However, if she is pregnant, and I’m not saying she is, I would have to assume that this was unplanned. She will, of course, have to produce a spare at some point, but little George hasn’t even hit the 8-month mark. Having two kids under the age of two is very hard work for the nannies. She’s already taking “heat” for her hair. (And when I say heat, I mean that a former royal hairdresser mentioned that perhaps Kate’s hair was a bit “overdone at times.” Harsh criticism to be sure.) It will be even harder for her to keep up with those hair appointments, hair treatments, and hair flips with two kids for the nannies to take care of.

  With baby #2 on the way, I suppose I will now have to find someone to act as royal hair flipper. It's so hard being me. I deserve a vacation.

The Duchess has also made quite a few recent appearances in the news for reasons entirely unrelated to her uterus. First there was the issue with Prince Charles; the one where he chose to absorb William and Kate’s press office into his own. He did this, allegedly, in an attempt to redirect focus from Kate’s hair and hem length to things like the environment, things he deems more important. (Yes, folks, apparently there are more important things than the cost of Kate’s latest ensemble and what she didn’t eat for lunch.)

And speaking of hem length, there was also the story about how the Queen requested that Kate wear longer skirts – and lots of jewels – on her upcoming trip abroad, in an effort to look more regal. I really loved this story. The article I read used this picture of Kate, in a respectably long skirt, to illustrate…what? Certainly not the Queen’s point. Perhaps that Her Majesty is being unreasonable? That poor Kate is incredibly mistreated and unfairly judged? A picture like the one below probably would have been more relevant to the story, but it also wouldn’t have fit as well with the narrative that the Queen is an antiquated old bitty and that Kate is an unappreciated fashion goddess.

It's certainly not indecent, but it does tend to lead to moments like...

This. (And Kate's had a lot of them.)

As unpopular as it is, I think that the Queen raises a valid point. I mean, let’s be honest, in the decade leading up to William finally putting a ring on it, Kate was famous for her upskirt pics (although, now she’s more known for her “windblown” moments – see above), so it seems to me that Kate’s grandmum-in-law has reason to be at least somewhat concerned.

My favorite story, though, came after Kate’s visit to Northolt High School on Valentine’s Day, to which she wore this heinous piece of clothing.


It was wretched, and yet, it didn’t take long for the obligatory peeing of the masses to ensue as they wet themselves over how beautiful her dress/person was. (Duchess’s New Clothes, anyone?)



And immediately after that came, what else, the price tag. The dress, you’re probably dying to know, was only 225 pounds (which I think was about 220 pounds too expensive, but what do I know?). For a royal with the fashion world at her fingertips, this was heralded as a frugal and down-to-earth decision. Kate’s just one of us, after all.

Except, oh wait. There’s more.

The watch she’s wearing? Over 2700 pounds. The earrings? 658 pounds. The necklace? 3950 pounds. In case you don’t have a calculator handy, let me add that up for you: over 7,000 pounds (which is about $11,600).

Listen, I understand that it’s expected that the royals will wear expensive things. I get it and I don’t begrudge her that. But don’t blow smoke up my ass about how frugal/down to earth she is. How real she is. How she gets it. And how she’s changing the face of the monarchy. I mean, she probably is changing the face of the monarchy, but not necessarily for the better.

Make no mistake, this is a privileged woman, a pampered woman, and a woman who enjoys spending money. Yes, it's obvious that she loves those pounds.

Just not on her body.