Fleetwood Mac’s Not the Only One Who Loves a Good Rumo(u)r

It’s official. The UnreMarkleable Duchess, i.e., Meghan Markle, is not getting the Kate Middleton treatment in the press. Let me explain. Before Katemazing became the Deficient Duchess, neither the British press (nor I) thought she was all that impressive. Or amazing. In fact, it was the British media who, not-so-lovingly, bestowed the title Waity Katie upon her. Yes, those lucky few who actually get paid for their judgment-filled musings wrote endlessly about Kate’s penchant for waiting for – and on – her boyfriend, Prince Baldylocks of Middleton, i.e., Prince William, who, it turns out, may not have actually been that nice to her back in the day (according to a new royal biography). The privileged press would pontificate on a near-daily basis about the spoiled, commitment-phobic prince and his doormat girlfriend, she who was willing to wait for years and years for him to decide if she in fact possessed the “it” he wanted to put a ring on.

In case it’s not yet clear, Waity was not heralded as an incredible role model for young women; in fact, it was quite the opposite. She was not labeled as effortlessly enchanting and regal. See the multitude of Kate Middleton upskirt photos for proof of this. And, she was not, my friends, celebrated for being the monarchy’s savior. No, she was shaded again and again – and again – for her work-shy ways (yes, even then she was known for being lazy) and for desperately clinging to William’s coattails as he continuously tried to get away from her. Obviously, he eventually decided it was time to get married – he needed to produce an heir after all – and, I assume, married the most convenient option (who, to be fair, he probably also loved a little as well), especially since the other girl(s) he was (allegedly) interested in had no desire to deal with the nonsense that is royal life.

Here she is. Chasing her man as he desperately tries to get away from her. I mean, look at the pained expression on his face. 

(Yes, I know this particular run was all in good fun, but I wanted to give you a visual of what was going on [according to me] during their [almost] decade-long courtship.)

But that was then. The minute Waity Katie became the Deficient Duchess Duchess of Cambridge, the media stopped dropping its truth bombs and instead did a complete 180°, bipolar swing, becoming the hypocritical sycophants we see today. For today, my friends, the Deficient Duchess can’t put a foot wrong. I mean, even I can agree that she’s improving with age, but to hear (and by “hear,” I mean “read”) the press tell it, she’s absolute perfection. Everything she does is perfect. Everything she wears is perfect. Everything she says is perfect. She. Is. Perfect.

Yuck.

But you know who apparently isn’t perfect? Meghan Markle. She wasn’t perfect before the wedding and she’s definitely not perfect now. While Kate can’t do anything wrong, apparently Meghan can’t do anything right. First, she’s American. Also, she’s divorced. And her family? Yikes. Stories about their complete and total dysfunction began making the rounds during MM’s courtship of Archie’s father and have continued to play out in the headlines on a fairly regular basis since then. Yes, friends, it didn’t seem possible, but apparently there are two other people on earth who crave the spotlight as much as the fame-hungry duchess: her dad and her (wicked?) stepsister. Apparently a desperate need for attention runs in the family. But, unfortunately for them – and despite their best efforts – Meghan’s kin just wasn’t interesting enough to carry a storyline for that long. So, as a matter of self-preservation, these diabolical geniuses, i.e., the media, needed to come up with something else, something better. So, they did. And, boy, was it juicy.

Not long after Meghan weaseled her fairly small self into the inner circle of the royal family, stories started leaking from “persons in the know” that there was an epic feud brewing between the duchesses. After that, it only took about another 5.6 seconds for the rumor to erupt into an even more salacious tale of a full-on Hatfield and McCoy situation for the Cambridges and Sussexes. Yes, my friends, apparently all is not diamonds and rosé in the Palace of Kensington. The brothers, it seems, are now feuding as well. And this is all, according to the papers, a direct result of Meghan being a raging bitch. She has (allegedly) destroyed the royal family as we know it. After all, don’t forget that Katemazing is perfect, and since she’s perfect, any disharmony that surrounds her can’t, under any circumstances, be her fault. No, it has to be the other party’s – in this case, Meghan’s – fault. So, when the story broke that Meghan had (allegedly) made the future Queen of England cry at Princess Charlotte’s pre-wedding dress fitting, it simply reinforced what the world already knew: Kate is an angel and Meghan is a monster. (I mean, it can’t just be a coincidence that both words start with M, right?) 

Princess Charlotte sporting the offending dress while her mother smiles through her pain.

This unfortunate (alleged) incident would not, however, be the last time the deviant duchess would (allegedly) make her sister-in-law cry. It happened again when the Cambridges selflessly, out of the goodness of their love-filled hearts, stopped by to meet baby Archie, the newest addition to the Sussex line (who may or may not get his own ATG post at some point...maybe when he does something interesting...so, in like 12 years). A beautiful moment between families, right? Well, it would have been – except for the fact that the mean-girl duchess wouldn’t let Duchess CriesALot, a mother of three, by the way, hold her baby. Because she might do it wrong. Okay, so I made that last part up, but, as you might imagine, MM is rumored to be very controlling and, really, what other reason could there be – unless she truly is just a raging bitch? Anyway, the point is, Kate wanted to hold the baby, Meghan said no, Kate left in tears and Harry called later to apologize. Tears, anger, hurt feelings, and hasty exits. Am I wrong, or does this just sound like a typical family gathering? No? Just me?

The Hatfields and McCoys

In my completely uninformed opinion, this photo pretty much sums up how the duchesses are approaching this (alleged) feud: Kate is gutted by it (she's looking rather haggard) and Meghan is loving every minute of it. Notice how, yet again, she's the only one smiling...

Anyway, whether Kate is an angel, Meghan is a monster, and/or the sisters-in-law (and their husbands) are engaged in an epic feud is anyone’s guess, but those who believed the rumors felt even more vindicated when Harry and Meghan chose to leave Kensington Palace, where, not for nothing, the Cambridges also live, in favor of a galaxy far, far away…from Will and Kate. Now, listen, I get it. The newlyweds wanted their own space. I would want the SGP all to myself also. There are plenty of reasons the newly minted twosome would want to have their own place, many of which have absolutely nothing to do with hating the in-laws.

You'd never know that they actually all hate each other.

Yes, had this been an isolated event, it probably wouldn’t have been enough to garner my attention or an ATG blog post (total lie). But then a spokesman for Kensington Palace – commenting on a story that claimed Kate, defender of all that is good and right in the world, had put Meghan in her place after the diva duchess mistreated a member of Katemazing’s staff – said, “that never happened.” And because royal mouthpieces basically never comment on any rumor ever, this statement pretty much confirmed the exact opposite of what it was meant to imply: Kate and Meghan hate each other. Possibly because Meghan is trying to steal Kate’s identity. 

Here they are, trying really hard to convince us they're friends.

Like, really hard

So hard

Sorry, ladies. You can fool some of the people some of the time, but you can't fool ATG ever. 

So. Awkward.

But the salaciousness doesn’t stop there. Oh no, there’s more. So much more.

Even before the second most important wedding of all-time took place last May, there were rumors that Meghan was, well, difficult – and that her problem-child ways were rubbing off on her until-now very amiable betrothed. There were plenty of stories about her bridezilla behavior, about how she was making the lives of the royal staff absolutely miserable. But, I mean, honestly, who hasn’t encountered a bridezilla or two? It happens. I can imagine that planning a wedding is incredibly stressful – and when you know your wedding is going to be watched by millions, on repeat, for generations to come, I imagine it can make one go a little bit insane. So it was kind of understandable that Meghan and her husband were, allegedly, a little short-tempered and irritable leading up to their big day (although I’m sure Kate would never have been short-tempered and irritable because she’s, say it with me, perfect). What wasn’t so understandable, however, was the SGP’s need to verbally assault the staff at high decibels with gems like “What Meghan wants, she gets!” This, I can imagine, does little to endear either you or your gingersnap husband to a group of people who, let’s be honest, make sure your life runs smoothly. Also, just as an aside, when your husband’s grandmother is the Queen of England, both you and he can scream all you want, but ultimately the Queen of England gets the final say. This is why, despite the above-mentioned temper tantrum, Meghan was not able to wear her first-choice tiara to her wedding. I think it had something to do with some royal tradition, I can’t really remember, but boy did Meghan get the last laugh on that one. She hasn’t followed one single royal tradition since then. Maybe you should’ve just let her wear the stupid thing, Lizzie. Meghan is apparently not an enemy one wants to make. Because she’s a monster. Allegedly.  

Anyway, I should mention again (for my legal protection) that, for the most part, these are all rumors – hearsay, if you will. And even worse than most hearsay, this information comes from anonymous sources who decline to be named, which makes it just as likely that the person who claims to simply be reporting the information is, in fact, making it all up. That said, I do tend to believe there’s a level of truth in most rumors – especially when I’ve already decided that I don’t like the person at the center of it – but, since there’s no video, or even a court-certified transcript, of the above-referenced shouting incident, I can’t say for sure whether it happened. What I can confirm, however, is that a lot of the royal staff has quit since Meghan joined the Firm, which leads one to wonder if, perhaps, at least some of these less-than-flattering stories are true. I mean, either there’s a full-on campaign, being perpetrated by multitudes of people who are exerting a heck of a lot of time and energy, to smear a completely innocent duchess…or she’s a horrible person. As with most things, the truth is probably somewhere in the middle. But ATG doesn’t ride the fence. We take a side. Even if it’s the wrong side (which it never is). So, read on if you dare, as we lay out the evidence for the Case of the Diabolical Duchess.

She's not laughing with you. She's totally laughing at you.

Let’s begin with the fact that the Sussexes are hemorrhaging staff. It started with MM’s personal assistant, who hastily departed a mere six months after she started. Then came the resignation of two – count ‘em 1, 2 – private secretaries in less than a year. These abrupt departures obviously led to raised eyebrows among some of us more judgmental folks. I mean, who quits a job less than a year after starting? Okay, I did. But in my defense, that was a totally different situation: it was a terrible, awful, dead-end, soul-sucking job and, more importantly, I never, ever, under any circumstances, got to interact with the SGP. Anyway, in the wake of these surprising exits – those which caused many of us to wonder what in the heck was going on behind the palace’s gilded doors – the duchess’s defenders quickly ran to her, what else, defense. They noted that, for at least one of the secretaries, the position was always meant to be temporary, that she had agreed to stay on for a previously agreed-upon amount of time and that that time was now up. Okay, sure. I couldn’t be bothered to research whether that was true or not because, well, I don’t care, but let’s just say it is. That would explain one of the eyebrow-raising departures. But what about the others? In addition to the three employees noted above, it has been reported that since marrying, the Sussexes have also lost their senior communications secretary; Harry’s private secretary and “right-hand man”; and, most recently, their nanny.

She may not let the nanny - or Duchess CriesALot - hold baby Archie, 

but sometimes she lets his dad hold him. 

I mean, guys, can we not all agree that a position within the royal household is a coveted job? You may not want it for yourself, but a lot of people do, which is why it takes connections and tenaciousness and, probably, a little luck to get one. There may even be a casting-couch situation involved. I don’t know. The point is, wouldn’t you imagine that, after all that effort, once you have acquired said job, you don’t let it go easily? Let’s all answer together: YES! Does it not seem odd, then, that the UnreMarkleable Duchess and her firecracker husband have such trouble hanging on to their staff? In the beginning, Meghan’s revolving door of aides was chalked up to her American work ethic (whatever the hell that is – apparently I, an American, don’t have it), meaning she awoke at the butt-crack of dawn to begin working, and she expected her staff to do the same. According to these stories, Brits just aren’t that used to working hard. Ha. Tell that to Her Majesty who, at 93, is still one of the hardest-working broads I know (and by “know,” I mean I’ve never met her). Perhaps this obvious inconsistency with reality is why stories of Meghan’s problematic penchant for hard work were quickly replaced with ones noting instead that it was her American brashness that was the problem. That’s a little easier to believe. Some Americans totally suck. But please don’t paint all Americans with such a broad brush. I’m not a monster. My name doesn’t even start with M.**

Here they are, contemplating the best ways to make their employees' lives miserable.

And then, this week, as if to add insult to absolute injury (except she still gets to be married to the SGP, so, really, who is the injured party here?), there came yet another story. This time the focus was on how much all of Harry’s friends hated his new wife. Not because she’s an overall rotten human being, but because she’s freezing them out. Yes, it seems that not only has Harry dropped his follicly challenged brother, but also all some of his friends. Again, people were quick to point out that, even if it were true that Harry had dumped his friends – which we obviously can’t say for sure – perhaps, this time, it wasn’t actually Meghan’s fault. Maybe the SGP’s just not interested in participating in bachelor behavior anymore, since, you know, he’s not a bachelor. I think most wives would support their husbands no longer spending time with fellas who are living their best single life. Perhaps, Meghan’s supporters argued, Harry is simply choosing more grownup activities, while simultaneously focusing on the things that really matter, like his new family. That’s sweet. I don’t think it’s true. But it’s sweet. I’d venture a guess that even if deleting his friends (and perhaps his brother) from his life was the SGP’s “choice,” it was at the demand request of his wife. And, again, I don’t necessarily blame her. But I also can’t imagine that it’s a great sign when your new wife asks you to disassociate from your friends and family. In fact, it sounds a little cultish to me. It also makes me wonder why she married him if she wants to change everything about him. Gives some credence to the rumors that she was simply looking for a (royal) Englishman.

Then again, maybe I’m being too hard on these two. Maybe this really was entirely his choice. Or, perhaps his wife did play a role, but only by pointing out that his current friend choices were leading to some questionable behavior (naked romps in Vegas, anyone?), and asking if that was really who he wanted to surround himself with, really the person he wanted to be. It’s like when your mom asks if you’re really going to wear that outfit out of the house. It’s a question. But it’s not. Or, heck, maybe all of the theories are true; they’re not exactly mutually exclusive thoughts. Maybe she hates his friends because they’re bad influences and so she asked him to reconsider who he spends his time with (because he should be spending all his time fully entrenched in the Cult de Markle. Sorry. I’ll stop. Maybe), and because he loves his wife and baby, he has chosen to honor her demand request by surrounding himself with people who encourage him to stay clothed. (I hate these people, BTW.) But on the heels of all the other stories of Meghan’s overbearing, unkind, monster-like ways, it’s not so hard to believe she’s the “mastermind” behind all of these changes to the royals and their family. I mean, it’s not really so hard to imagine that when the UnreMarkleable Duchess says jump, the SGP is happy to comply, while simultaneously screaming (as if to remind himself), “What Meghan wants, Meghan gets! What Meghan wants, Meghan gets! What Meghan wants…”

Ah, to be young – and in a serious amount of trouble love.

---

** That said, my amazing ATG partner in crime’s name does in fact start with an M and she is by no means a monster, so maybe the alliteration thing only works sometimes

The UnreMarkleable Duchess

Guys, it happened. It was inevitable, I suppose. But it wasn’t pleasant. In fact, it was so upsetting that I had to hibernate for the last few months. Let me set the stage for you: a prince, in line for the British throne, desperately wants to marry his divorced, American lover. His family is wary of the union, but this headstrong prince will not be dissuaded. He marries his lady friend - and the monarchy is forever changed because of it. Sound familiar? It should. But not, perhaps, for the reasons you think.

No, this is not the “fairytale” love story of Harry, the SGP, and Meghan Markle, his vainglorious wife; no, it is in fact the story of Prince Edward, who would spend less than a year as King Edward VIII before abdicating in order to marry his divorced, American mistress, Wallis Simpson (who may or may not have had the same level of affection for her new hubby). This was not a popular union; she was divorced – and American – after all, and he had to make a choice. It was, of course, a different time. But it’s ironic that, had he not been forced to make such a choice, the royal family as we know it would likely not exist. King George VI, Queen Elizabeth’s dad and Edward’s brother, would not have become king and Queen Elizabeth and her spawn descendants would likely be but a footnote in history. But, as it happened, King Edward did have to make a choice. And he chose love. Whether he came to regret that choice is a story for another day.

Wallis and Eddie
This is truly one of the only photos I could find where they're smiling.  

The point is, the very reason Prince Harry is in a position for anyone to even care who he married, i.e., the reason he is famous  – and likely the only reason this Meghan Markle person is interested in him at all – is because of the luxurious lifestyle bestowed upon him as a direct result of the fact that his great uncle found himself in almost the exact same situation, but with fewer options. Prince Harry is living the life of luxury, one of the world’s most eligible bachelors (until recently, of course), because his great uncle, Prince Edward, didn’t have the luxury of choosing both love and country. He had to pick a side. He chose love. And because he made that choice, Harry’s grandmother ultimately became queen and Harry, by extension, one of the most privileged and sought-after men in the world. Ironic, no?

Now, when I first started writing this blog, the unfortunate Harreghan union was still but a rumor. But, alas, no more. Yes, in case you haven’t heard, the Not-So-Amazing Ms. Markle became the Duchess of Sussex (or Sucksass if you’re super immature. Which I’m obviously not) in May. I used to really like that month. Now I associate it with broken dreams and tears. Yes, my friends, May 19, 2018 is a day that will live in infamy – not only because it’s the day I received my law degree (I can do cool things too, Meghan), but also because it is the day that the actress-turned-royal-girlfriend officially became the UnreMarkleable Duchess. 

The thing about royal weddings – much like royal babies – is that there’s so much build-up, so much anticipation, that it’s nearly impossible for them not to disappoint. And this wedding, like so many before it, was no different. Disappoint it did (I say, having watched not a minute of it). But, though I may not have seen any of the wedding itself, I did see plenty of pictures of the bride and groom. Harry looked like, well, pretty much any other groom in a uniform – not too disappointing because, let’s be honest, no one cared what he looked like. What everyone was dying to see was how Meghan, the new royal fashionista, would style herself for what was arguably the biggest day of her life. And, well, I’m not entirely sure what happened. I liked her dress, but why didn’t she bother to do her hair? It looked like she’d just stepped out of a wind tunnel or a lengthy ride in a convertible. I know her in-laws are all about the environment, but surely they would have allowed her the luxury of some hairspray on this, the most important day of Meghan’s – nay, the world’s – life. Barring that, couldn’t someone have slipped her a bobby pin or two? I mean, she had to know all eyes were going to be on her, right? So why did she show up looking like Bella Swan?

  Maybe Meghan was going for the Mr.-Tumnus-slash-I'm-about-to-marry-a-vampire look  

We may never know the answer to the above; what we do know, however, is that Harry wasn’t put off by Meghan’s poor hair choices for even a second. In fact, it may very well have been her decision to eschew all ozone-destroying beauty products that really got him in the baby-making mood. Or maybe he’s a 30-something-year-old man who’s always in the mood. Whatever the reason, it took about six minutes for Meghan to get pregnant.

Again I say, marrying into the royal family must make you the luckiest girl in the world – not only because you are forever rewarded for being lazy, but also because, despite being way on the wrong side of 30 (which I can say because I am too), having zero body fat, and living under the constant stress of knowing that procreating is your only real job (which I imagine makes it harder to perform – like when you’re told to pee in a cup), these two duchesses still managed to get pregnant immediately, as if on command. How does that work exactly? Of all the millions of women across the world who struggle with infertility, William and Harry were somehow able to find two that just snapped their fingers (that’s how babies are made, right?) and *poof* pregnant. I thought Kate was an outlier, the luckiest woman alive, but apparently she’s not so special after all (which, hello, is what ATG has been trying to say for years).

Here's another wedding photo. I know you just can't get enough of them.

So, that pretty much wraps this post up. I mean, what else is there to say? Harry picked a girl, who has, surprisingly, more family drama than his own (who knew that was possible), married her, and is now having babies with her. The end.

Just kidding.

How could that be the end?? There’s still so much more to say, so many more brilliant points to make, so much more judgment to spew. So buckle up.

This could take a while.

Brilliant Point #1: The UnreMarkleable Duchess is trying way too hard – proving that, although she may be an actress, she’s not a very good one.

Stay with me here. I’m not talking about her “work” on the USA show Suits. I never saw it. And to be fair, I spent the first half of my life trying to figure out how I could make a career out of playing dress-up and make-believe (heck, I’m still wondering), so who am I to judge anyone for this particular life choice? No, I’m talking about her fake, fake public persona. She just reads completely inauthentic to me. She’s always smiling like a bloody idiot while simultaneously breaking all kinds of royal protocol - by insisting on hugging every person she comes across - and sending her security detail into conniptions (on the inside; obviously the Brits don’t show external emotion). 

This poor child doesn't know what to do. Clearly even she can tell 

that this is conduct unbecoming to a duchess.

Some say Meghan behaves like this because she’s just so authentic, such a lover of people (unless you happen to be her assistant), and that she just can’t help it. Remember how William and Kate were purportedly changing the face of the monarchy? Meghan’s going them one better and changing not only the monarchy’s face, but also its behavior. Except, hold on a second, didn’t Princess Diana already do this? Only so much better? At least she managed to look authentic (probably because she was). Meanwhile, Meghan just looks so. fake. Please, girl, you’re no Diana. You’re not even a Fergie. This calculated effort to be likeable, relatable, and, let’s be honest, palatable is a major fail, fail, and fail. Time to go back to rehearsal; apparently you weren’t ready to take this show on the road.

But the inauthenticity doesn’t stop there. Oh no. Now, my friends, now, the UnreMarkleable Duchess has somehow managed to acquire an English accent after living in England for approximately 7.3 seconds. Apparently she thinks she’s Madonna. I’m not even kidding (about the accent; I don’t know if she thinks she’s Madonna). If you don’t believe me, please just watch this. (No need to read the article, just click on the video.) I've waited in line at the DMV for longer than she's lived in England and, yet, she already has an English accent. Except obviously she doesn’t really have a English accent. Without significant brain trauma, no one develops an accent in 7.3 seconds. Unless, of course, it’s totally bogus and – say it with me – completely inauthentic. I wish you could all see my face right now. My eyes have rolled so far back in my head that I can’t even see the screen as I type. But it’s not my fault. I have a severe allergy to fake accents. I blame Gwyneth.

And, if you watched the video, maybe you can answer this for me: How did this self-described feminist suddenly become a bashful, bootleg version of Kate Middleton, she who has never been known for being particularly independent in thought or deed? I mean, it’s well-documented that Kate spent many years chasing William – both literally and figuratively – waiting for him to decide if he wanted to marry her. This is the woman Meghan chooses to emulate? What would Gloria Steinem say? 

Look, all I’m saying is that I have a very hard time reconciling this new meek, mild Meghan with the person she portrayed herself to be pre-Harry. It’s hard to believe that everything about her changed when Harry met Meghan; that all her years-held ideals went flying out the window and she suddenly became a Disney princess wannabe, only becoming her true self once she was finally rescued by a handsome prince. (I, on the other hand, completely buy into this Disney princess version of life.) It’s much easier to imagine that this new Meghan is a direct result of the years she spent honing her craft. I mean, even terrible actors know how to mold themselves into certain roles, including the role of a British royal. The problem is that, unlike good actors, who make it all look so believable, bad actors end up looking insincere and inauthentic – with dopy smiles and unfortunate accents.

And, on the topic of Meghan being a less-authentic – or, to be honest, successful – version of Kate (and you know I hate to defend the Deficient Duchess), we have now reached the portion of the program we like to call Meghan the Mimic. Here is some photographic evidence of Meghan trying (and failing?) to be just like Kate, because, as they say, a picture is worth a thousand words.

I must warn you, though, it’s starting to get a little Single White Female in the Palace of Buckingham.

Meghan the Mimic

Exhibit A: The way she waves.

Exhibit B: The way she holds her clutch. (The fact that she even carries a clutch is a bit strange considering her previous affinity for cross-body bags – which would obviously make those ill-advised hugs so much easier.)

Exhibit C: The way she's constantly playing with her hair.

 

Exhibit D: The way she decided to have a baby three seconds after Kate had a baby. Just kidding. She had to do that one. It’s her job. Her only job.

Here's Kate with baby #3, Prince Louis of Cambridge.

Here's Meghan gestating baby #1.

I know it's hard to see but I have it on good authority that it's happening.

Brilliant Point #2: The UnreMarkleable Duchess is a bit of an attention, um, seeker, shall we say?

Poor dear. She's clearly terribly uncomfortable in the spotlight.

Meghan sure does seem to be basking in all this attention and I, for one, find it a bit off-putting – not because I wouldn’t do the exact same thing, but because I’m here to judge others. (Hypocrisy is not a word that exists in my universe.) On the one hand, it makes a bit of sense, I suppose. She is an actress, after all. Unlike Kate, who seemed a bit uncomfortable with all the attention – despite having spent seven years being chased by the paparazzi – Meghan has spent her life in front of the camera. And after all, actors are conditioned to garner attention. Without it, their careers crash and burn. They pretend they don’t like it, but you don’t become an actor if you want to avoid attention. If you want to be constantly ignored, you become Charlie Sheen’s PR person; you don’t move to Hollywood with stars in your eyes. And you definitely don’t marry the world’s most eligible – and famous – bachelor.

That said, attention-seekers, while annoying, aren’t bad people; they’re just insecure. What does seem to be a fineable offense, however, is Meghan’s propensity to overshare – at least by royal standards. She married into a family that values discretion (read: secrecy) so much that they don’t even release their children’s names until days – sometimes weeks – after the birth, but, as a royal girlfriend, Meghan did a Vanity Fair article – which, let’s be honest, she was only offered because she was dating Prince Harry (I mean, c’mon, the title was Wild About Harry) – in which she talked extensively about her relationship. Not a huge deal if you’re an actor dating another actor. But when you’re involved with someone from a tight-lipped family, it’s a bit more problematic. Or was expected to be. Yet, Queen Elizabeth still signed off on this marriage. Prince Edward must be rolling. You know what this says to me? This dear lady is tired. Very, very tired. These a-holes have worn her out. She’s a classy broad who has had to deal with scandal after scandal after scandal, starting with her very own sister. She doesn’t want to do it anymore. If this American actress, who gives in-depth interviews about her life with Harry and relishes the spotlight, is what the SGP wants, then that is what he shall have. For better or worse.

Be careful what you wish for, Harry.

Now, one might argue that Meghan had to give the interview – as an actress it was part of her job – except the article had nothing to do with acting. Not to mention that no one cared to interview her before she was dating the SGP. And you want to know why? Because she was a supporting actress on a cable show. A cable show. It wasn’t even network. No must see TV here. She’s certainly no Angelina Jolie. No one cares what life on the set of Suits was like. They want to know what life on the arm of the SGP is like. And Meghan is happy to dish – as long as she remains firmly in the spotlight.

Brilliant Point #3: The UnreMarkleable Duchess is super clingy.

Listen, I too am clingy. I can admit it. But, as they tell me at my meetings, there’s a time and place for everything. And I would imagine that royal engagements are neither the time nor the place for such things. This seems to be proven by how senior royals have conducted themselves in public for generations. Even William and Kate, who are obviously fond of each other, seem to understand this, leaving the PDAs to a protective arm around the back or understated handhold. But not Meghan and Harry. Oh, no. They don’t care about tradition – or being understated. They refuse to be separated. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but they are always touching. Like, always. They’re like Siamese twins, connected at the hand. (I don’t actually think that’s a thing.) Maybe they’re trying to give the Travoltas a run for their money. In the beginning, it was kind of cute. Now it’s just annoying. We get it. You’re married. And you’re super into each other. And you belong to each other. The world knows all this. No need to cling to each other like Howie Mandell clings to hand sanitizer. 

Sometimes I come up with these ideas in my head and then have a hard time finding photographic evidence of what I know to be true. This was not one of those times. It’s actually kind of remarkable how many photos there are of these two engaged in extensive clinginess

In fairness, Harry has always appeared more affectionate than William, but still. He’s been able to keep his hands to himself in public. Meghan, on the other hand, not so much. On the one hand, I get it. He’s the SGP. I’m not sure I could keep my hands to myself either. On the other, you’re a royal now. Get it together. I mean, I’m no body-language expert, but if I were going to pretend that I was, I might say that, in the beginning at least, her body language looked very proprietary – like she was afraid someone would steal him away if she didn’t lay claim. And again I say, we all know he belongs to you. No need to mark your territory by leaving fingernail gashes along his biceps. For his part, he certainly seems to be in love, but also somewhat uncomfortable with her demonstrativeness. Makes total sense, I suppose, considering the stoic people he comes from.

Here's the UnreMarkleable Duchess with her new, semi-stoic family, celebrating Prince Charles's 70th birthday. Is it just me or do her eyes look a little creepy? 

Listen, I don’t mean to rain on the newlyweds’ parade. I get it. They are clearly in love. May we all be so lucky as to find someone who can provide us with this same amount of love, happiness and tiaras – all while completely transforming who we are at our very core. What the future holds for this newly minted duke and duchess, only time will tell. But they remind me a bit of Prince Andrew and Fergie: hot and heavy in the beginning and fizzled out by year 10. The good news for Meghan is, if they do in fact follow the path of the Yorksters, they will remain “best friends” for years to come, have a couple of forgotten but overall well-mannered children, and, eventually, Meghan will find herself with both a lucrative book deal and a fairly well-received, though short-lived, relationship with Weight Watchers.

Silver linings, Meghan. Silver linings. 

Bum's the Word

There’s big news coming out of Australia following the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s visit last month. It’s pretty earth-shattering. Hope you’ve taken your heart meds. Ready?

Kate Middleton has a bum – or butt, if you’re not feeling particularly delicate today. Not only that, but German tabloid, Bild, has recently published a photo in which the royal rear is on full display.

I know. It’s shocking.

It would be more shocking if we hadn’t seen it over and over. And over. In fact, given the number of “wind-blown” moments the delicate duchess has had, I’m wondering if perhaps she doesn’t understand what wind is or how it works.

Or perhaps, more likely, she is under the misconception that nature is so overcome by her awesomeness, much like the rest of the world, that it simply cannot function when in the presence of her greatness; that wind ceases to blow when she’s around simply because it forgets how to.

Except, here’s the problem, it wasn’t even real wind. It was artificial wind, produced by a helicopter. I can’t imagine that Kate is unfamiliar with the effects that helicopter blades can have on one’s modesty – I’m fairly certain this wasn’t her first encounter with such a machine – but, even if she was, don’t you think her husband, a helicopter pilot, might have encouraged her to hold her flimsy skirt down as she crossed paths with the wind machine? It’s a fair assumption that he at least would understand the dangers of such a strong breeze, even if his poor wife was ignorant of them. I assume this is precisely why he’s chosen not to pursue a hairpiece despite his rapidly disappearing follicles.

Apparently sometimes she's capable of remembering...

Listen, I’m not a totally heartless beast. The first time Kate’s skirt went sky high, I felt compassion. The second time Kate’s skirt went sky high, I felt pity. The third time Kate’s skirt went sky high I felt that perhaps she wasn’t the brightest diamond in the tiara. But now? Now I just feel bored. It’s almost as if she’s doing it on purpose, because it’s not, as has been argued, out of her control.

Do you know how I know that it’s not out of her control? The Queen. The Queen has never, to my – or the internet’s – knowledge, exposed her royal bum (either accidentally or intentionally) to a mass of innocent bystanders. And do you know why? First, because she’s way classy; and second, because she weights her skirts. If even I, a lowly American commoner, am privy to this information, I have to imagine that Kate is as well. Surely someone in Kate’s life has recommended this trick to her. Would it not then behoove her to perhaps try this tact as a way to keep her private bits private?

And speaking of private, can someone please explain to me how publishing these pictures – something that many media agencies have refused to do – is an invasion of privacy? It may be in poor taste, but it’s certainly not an invasion of privacy. Taking pictures of the Deficient Duchess with a long-range camera lens as she sunbathed topless at a private villa, that was an invasion of privacy. Snapping a photo at a public event where there was no legitimate expectation of privacy? Nope, sorry, no invasions here. The fact that Kate chose not to wear much/any underwear to a public event is on her, not the photographer. This is a 32-year-old woman who has been living in the public eye for over a decade. If she hasn’t yet learned about the dangers of the paparazzi – or wind – the Firm has way bigger issues to contend with than one butt picture.

Perhaps when the Queen requested that Kate wear longer skirts on her trip abroad, she should also have requested that Kate wear some type of undergarment. On the other hand, perhaps she assumed that this went without saying.

You know what happens when we assume though, Lizzie: It makes an ass out of you and Kate.

And it makes Kate’s ass a trending topic on Twitter.  

Katemazing

I stumbled across an article today on Yahoo entitled, Everything Amazing Kate Middleton Did in 2013. On the list? Dressing herself (while pregnant, no less) and grocery shopping. Funny how tasks that are accomplished every day by virtually EVERY OTHER PERSON IN THE WORLD become “amazing” feats when completed by the Duchess.

Before I found fame and fortune in the fast-paced and always exciting world of advertising, I spent many years nannying. The way the media deals with Kate is similar to how I used to deal with the children I sat for. When one of them learned to tie her shoes, use the grownup potty, or chew with his mouth closed, we always made a really big deal out of it. These are all pretty amazing accomplishments for children – something to be heralded – but once one passes the age of, I don’t know, four, it stops being amazing and starts being expected. I mean, if I were Kate, I might be slightly insulted that my being able to put clothes on was newsworthy.

  Here's Kate at a friend's wedding on Sunday - not only dressed but ALSO with a hat on. A-MAZING. Why, I do believe this amazing lady has earned herself yet another vacation.     

Other “amazing” things Kate did last year? Renovate her house and give birth. Listen, I’m not saying the act of childbirth isn’t amazing – it is – but it’s not exactly a rare occurrence. Thousands of women do it every day – and no one writes articles about how amazing they are. So on behalf of Yahoo, let me say: If you have given birth, gone grocery shopping, or gotten dressed in your lifetime, you are amazing. And if you’ve done it all in one year?! Well, you’re not only amazing, but also duchess-caliber.

Did I just make your day or what?

And speaking of the child who is mostly heard (of) and not seen, little George’s parents recently released a family photo of the four of them (the fourth being the dog, Lupo) hanging out the window of their aforementioned newly renovated “apartment” in Kensington Palace. I wouldn’t be at all surprised to learn that the release of this picture was to counteract all the negative press the Loathsome Twosome has gotten for a) going on yet another vacation, one that allegedly cost upwards of $10,000, b) leaving their 8-month-old son at home for an entire week while they frolicked in a tropical paradise, and c) allegedly missing said son’s first crawl.

I assume that after that kind of truth bomb marginally negative press, this calculating couple needed to present as a cohesive family unit; to show that their family, especially their baby, is priority number 1.

The happy (and amazing) family

I’m not really buying it, but a lot of folks are. In fact, a lot of folks seem to think that Kate and William deserved – seriously, I saw use of the word deserved – their Maldives vacation. I’m not entirely sure what they’ve done to deserve yet another vacation, particularly when Kate was just on a tropical holiday barely a month before, but I suppose being superior to virtually every other person on the planet is fairly exhausting.

Actually, scratch that. Being superior to virtually every other person on the planet is exhausting.

Believe me. I know.

Skirting the Issue

Leading up to the Oscars, there was a lot of chatter and speculation about what – or, more specifically, who – people would be wearing. You might think that this speculation was directed solely at those people actually attending the Oscars, but you would be wrong. As you know, the (American) media never passes up the chance to drag the Deficient Duchess into a story. She wasn’t scheduled to be at the Oscars, had no intention of being at the Oscars, but that didn’t stop an article entitled, “Kate Middleton at the Oscars: What the Duchess should wear” from being written. And published.

I must admit, it piqued my curiosity enough to click on the story. (I know. I fell right into their trap. I’m so ashamed.) It seemed a bit surprising that Kate would be at the Oscars, but not entirely outside the realm of possibility. As I began to read the article however, I realized that I’d been had. It was just a story – full of style “experts” – advising Kate on what she should wear to a place that she had no intention of going. They might as well have written a story about what Kate should wear on a trip to Kabul. To the moon. To work.

It was a royal sham. And that’s all I’m going to say about that.

But before I switch gears entirely, I’d like to give a shout-out to my girl Cate Blanchett, who was at the Academy Awards and who won her very first Best Actress Oscar!

What can I say? I'm kind of awesome.

If the Academy keeps making good and respectable choices such as these, they may actually earn back some of the respect they lost after the Nicolas Cage/James Cameron/Renee Zellweger debacles.

Who thought this was a good idea?

But I wouldn't hold my breath.

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming: Kate Middleton.

Our favorite duchess has been making lots of headlines lately and, surprise surprise, it’s not for her charity work. You may (not) be surprised to hear that, although she was on holiday in Mustique with baby George and the rest of the Meddleton clan in February, she and her husband are now on a “second honeymoon” in the Maldives. They apparently left their baby at home, but they did bring several taxpayer-funded Scotland Yard detectives with them. For someone who lives such a pampered life, she sure does take a lot of vacations. (And again I ask, what is it exactly that she needs a vacation from?) Of course, I too am about to take a vacation, where I'll be spending 24 hours in the car with my mom and sister on a trip to Wisconsin to help my grandmother move. So I guess I’m living a pretty glamorous life too. Envy me.

Aside from the limitless vacations, the most recent story that won’t die is that Kate is pregnant again – with a girl this time. But before you start placing bets on whether the baby’s name will be Elizabeth, Victoria or Tiffani, you should know that it was Star Magazine that “broke” this story, which makes one inclined to take it with a grain of salt. Of course, just when you think Star is all fluff and lies, it goes and breaks a legitimate story and tilts the world on its axis. Point is, I wouldn’t dismiss this tale entirely. However, if she is pregnant, and I’m not saying she is, I would have to assume that this was unplanned. She will, of course, have to produce a spare at some point, but little George hasn’t even hit the 8-month mark. Having two kids under the age of two is very hard work for the nannies. She’s already taking “heat” for her hair. (And when I say heat, I mean that a former royal hairdresser mentioned that perhaps Kate’s hair was a bit “overdone at times.” Harsh criticism to be sure.) It will be even harder for her to keep up with those hair appointments, hair treatments, and hair flips with two kids for the nannies to take care of.

  With baby #2 on the way, I suppose I will now have to find someone to act as royal hair flipper. It's so hard being me. I deserve a vacation.

The Duchess has also made quite a few recent appearances in the news for reasons entirely unrelated to her uterus. First there was the issue with Prince Charles; the one where he chose to absorb William and Kate’s press office into his own. He did this, allegedly, in an attempt to redirect focus from Kate’s hair and hem length to things like the environment, things he deems more important. (Yes, folks, apparently there are more important things than the cost of Kate’s latest ensemble and what she didn’t eat for lunch.)

And speaking of hem length, there was also the story about how the Queen requested that Kate wear longer skirts – and lots of jewels – on her upcoming trip abroad, in an effort to look more regal. I really loved this story. The article I read used this picture of Kate, in a respectably long skirt, to illustrate…what? Certainly not the Queen’s point. Perhaps that Her Majesty is being unreasonable? That poor Kate is incredibly mistreated and unfairly judged? A picture like the one below probably would have been more relevant to the story, but it also wouldn’t have fit as well with the narrative that the Queen is an antiquated old bitty and that Kate is an unappreciated fashion goddess.

It's certainly not indecent, but it does tend to lead to moments like...

This. (And Kate's had a lot of them.)

As unpopular as it is, I think that the Queen raises a valid point. I mean, let’s be honest, in the decade leading up to William finally putting a ring on it, Kate was famous for her upskirt pics (although, now she’s more known for her “windblown” moments – see above), so it seems to me that Kate’s grandmum-in-law has reason to be at least somewhat concerned.

My favorite story, though, came after Kate’s visit to Northolt High School on Valentine’s Day, to which she wore this heinous piece of clothing.

It was wretched, and yet, it didn’t take long for the obligatory peeing of the masses to ensue as they wet themselves over how beautiful her dress/person was. (Duchess’s New Clothes, anyone?)

And immediately after that came, what else, the price tag. The dress, you’re probably dying to know, was only 225 pounds (which I think was about 220 pounds too expensive, but what do I know?). For a royal with the fashion world at her fingertips, this was heralded as a frugal and down-to-earth decision. Kate’s just one of us, after all.

Except, oh wait. There’s more.

The watch she’s wearing? Over 2700 pounds. The earrings? 658 pounds. The necklace? 3950 pounds. In case you don’t have a calculator handy, let me add that up for you: over 7,000 pounds (which is about $11,600).

Listen, I understand that it’s expected that the royals will wear expensive things. I get it and I don’t begrudge her that. But don’t blow smoke up my ass about how frugal/down to earth she is. How real she is. How she gets it. And how she’s changing the face of the monarchy. I mean, she probably is changing the face of the monarchy, but not necessarily for the better.

Make no mistake, this is a privileged woman, a pampered woman, and a woman who enjoys spending money. Yes, it's obvious that she loves those pounds.

Just not on her body.