Katemazing

I stumbled across an article today on Yahoo entitled, Everything Amazing Kate Middleton Did in 2013. On the list? Dressing herself (while pregnant, no less) and grocery shopping. Funny how tasks that are accomplished every day by virtually EVERY OTHER PERSON IN THE WORLD become “amazing” feats when completed by the Duchess.

Before I found fame and fortune in the fast-paced and always exciting world of advertising, I spent many years nannying. The way the media deals with Kate is similar to how I used to deal with the children I sat for. When one of them learned to tie her shoes, use the grownup potty, or chew with his mouth closed, we always made a really big deal out of it. These are all pretty amazing accomplishments for children – something to be heralded – but once one passes the age of, I don’t know, four, it stops being amazing and starts being expected. I mean, if I were Kate, I might be slightly insulted that my being able to put clothes on was newsworthy.

  Here's Kate at a friend's wedding on Sunday - not only dressed but ALSO with a hat on. A-MAZING. Why, I do believe this amazing lady has earned herself yet another vacation.     

Other “amazing” things Kate did last year? Renovate her house and give birth. Listen, I’m not saying the act of childbirth isn’t amazing – it is – but it’s not exactly a rare occurrence. Thousands of women do it every day – and no one writes articles about how amazing they are. So on behalf of Yahoo, let me say: If you have given birth, gone grocery shopping, or gotten dressed in your lifetime, you are amazing. And if you’ve done it all in one year?! Well, you’re not only amazing, but also duchess-caliber.

Did I just make your day or what?

And speaking of the child who is mostly heard (of) and not seen, little George’s parents recently released a family photo of the four of them (the fourth being the dog, Lupo) hanging out the window of their aforementioned newly renovated “apartment” in Kensington Palace. I wouldn’t be at all surprised to learn that the release of this picture was to counteract all the negative press the Loathsome Twosome has gotten for a) going on yet another vacation, one that allegedly cost upwards of $10,000, b) leaving their 8-month-old son at home for an entire week while they frolicked in a tropical paradise, and c) allegedly missing said son’s first crawl.

I assume that after that kind of truth bomb marginally negative press, this calculating couple needed to present as a cohesive family unit; to show that their family, especially their baby, is priority number 1.

The happy (and amazing) family

I’m not really buying it, but a lot of folks are. In fact, a lot of folks seem to think that Kate and William deserved – seriously, I saw use of the word deserved – their Maldives vacation. I’m not entirely sure what they’ve done to deserve yet another vacation, particularly when Kate was just on a tropical holiday barely a month before, but I suppose being superior to virtually every other person on the planet is fairly exhausting.

Actually, scratch that. Being superior to virtually every other person on the planet is exhausting.

Believe me. I know.

By George, I Think They’ve Named Him!

How many times have you heard that line in the last 15 minutes?

And baby makes three

Well, they did it. They named their baby. You may have mistakenly thought that this child found the cure for cancer – or, at the very least, unseemly body odor – from all the publicity he’s getting. But, no, all he’s done is a) be born – something that, literally, every other person in the history of the world has also achieved – and b) have a name bestowed upon him. A name, by the way, that I’m fairly certain is usually reserved for short, neurotic, bald men and monkeys.

For as modern as the royal family likes to pretend they are, when it comes to naming their kids, they apparently still pull out their dust-covered copies of The Complete Book of Antiquated Baby Names. Listen, I’m all for using old, family names, but George Alexander Lois Middleton (the Middleton is silent)? Or, if you want to get technical, His Royal Highness Prince George of Cambridge? It’s quite the mouthful for such a little guy. But, then, that’s how the royals roll.

It was as I was venting to my ATG copilot about what a strange name choice Kate and her husband had made (okay, so maybe I used the word stupid), that she reminded me that George was the name the Queen’s beloved father took when he became king, which means that this was actually a stellar political move – and that’s what the Middletons are all about. It’s how their eldest daughter achieved her position in life. Well-played on their part.

Some might say we’re too skeptical. I’d say we simply know how to read people.

Another strange (read: stupid) Katenia event of late has been the praise she’s received for her “bravery” in leaving the hospital in a dress that showed her after-baby bump. Seriously, I’ve actually seen the word brave used.

  Rosa Parks, Amelia Earhart, Joan of Arc and Kate Middleton. All such brave women. 

Soldiers are brave. Firefighters are brave. An adored-by-the-masses princess who could wear a potato sack and be applauded for her creativity, innovation, and frugality? I wouldn’t exactly call her brave. Especially when her hair and makeup team was snuck into the hospital to make sure she looked her best upon exiting the building. Listen, I’m not judging her for that. Honestly. If I knew my image was going to be immortalized for the entire world to scrutinize and dissect for generations to come, I, too, would want to look my best. All I’m saying is, she probably doesn’t deserve any medals for getting up and getting dressed. Besides, the fact that she still had a baby bump the day after giving birth has nothing to do with courage. It's biology.

But, back to her dress. It was cute. I like polka dots. You know who else apparently liked polka dots? Princess Diana, who also wore a polka-dotted dress to introduce her firstborn son to the world. And it’s because of this, that the world is now convinced that Kate was paying silent homage to her late mother-in-law with her wardrobe choice. I’m not saying that this wasn’t another calculated move on her part – in fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if the only moves she and her family know how to make are the calculating kind – but, c’mon! Isn’t it just as likely that she found a dress she liked – that fit – and decided to wear it? 

This is getting a little Single White Female...

And while we’re on the topic of crazy, I actually read a comment from a woman saying that Kate looked better leaving the hospital than this woman did on her wedding day. I hope she was being hyperbolic, but, regardless, it’s sad. Kate looked good. I’ll give her that. But, folks, that’s her job. Her job is to look good. The royal family serves very little purpose anymore besides showing up to events while simultaneously looking good. That’s it. That’s all they do – some are just better at it than others.

And for the record, I’d also like to point out that my mom looked pretty darn good after giving birth to all of her children (I’ve seen pictures) and she didn’t, to my knowledge, have either a hairstylist or makeup artist on staff.

The point is, we give these royals too much credit. Did Kate look nice? Yes. Was she the most beautiful woman to ever leave a hospital? Uh, no. Could many women, with access to a beauty team like Kate’s, look almost as good or better? Probably.   

But that’s not the point. The point is that Kate had a baby. And she named him George.

George.

I’m still having trouble with his chosen moniker (which is probably why his parents didn’t ask for my opinion). A man named George isn’t so bad, but a baby? As my witty writing partner said, “This kid is prematurely 80, diabetic, and hard of hearing!”

Yep, I think that about sums it up.

Let’s Use Our Heads, People. It’s the Lump Three Feet Above Our Asses.

I didn’t think it was possible, but the royal baby frenzy has gotten even more insane over the last couple of days. Basically every other story on my Yahoo! daily newsfeed has something to do with the forthcoming royal baby. And since the news outlets have essentially no new information, instead of writing about the 1,000s of truly newsworthy things happening in our world, they choose to write about royal-related nothingness.

Here are just a few of the recent headlines:

“Inside the Lindo Wing, Where Kate May Give Birth”

She may, she may not. Doesn’t really matter, as long as they can put “Kate” and “birth” in the headline.

“William First in Royal Family to Get Perk”

Spoiler alert: It’s paternity leave.

“Is Kate Middleton Trying to Fake Us Out?

This highly informative article centers on all the things we don’t know: birth hospital, due date, baby name, baby gender, etc. Is Kate choosing not to reveal any of this because she’s trying to create mystery? Or, perhaps, it’s because the royals have decided it’s not any of our business. We’re not their family. We’re not their friends. We simply don’t matter to them. In fact, we’re not even on their radar.

“Where’s that Royal Baby? Is Kate Overdue?”

I can see why this would make it on the front page since Kate is the only woman who’s ever gone past her (alleged) due date.

“Royal Baby Frenzy: Queen Elizabeth’s Cousin Is Not Impressed”

Finally. Someone with a little perspective.

Then there was the story about how the fire department had to be called to what was believed to be the Middletons’ house to get the head of what was believed to be Kate and William’s dog, Lupo, out of the gate it was stuck in.

And the report that Queen Elizabeth left a cricket match early, which of course meant Kate was in labor. It was the only logical explanation. Except, wait, that was Thursday. So, where’s the baby? The birth announcement? The 62-gun salute? Oh, right. It was another false alarm.

But my favorite happened today outside of St. Mary’s Hospital, where Kate is expected to give birth. Much to the surprise of all the anxious onlookers camped out outside, a dark car pulled up to the curb and Kate and William popped out! In front of everyone! Just like that. William protectively ushered his very pregnant wife past the gawking masses to the front door of the hospital. And as the frenzied crowd began moving towards them, William and Kate turned around, busted open their top layer of clothing and revealed t-shirts advertising The Sun.

Wait, what?

I know what you’re thinking. It doesn’t make sense. Why would William and Kate be working for The Sun? They can barely be bothered to do their real jobs.

  What is that girl doing on her phone? Doesn't she know the greatness directly behind her? They are to be worshiped, not ignored!    

I’m sure you’ll be surprised to hear that it wasn’t actually the Cambridges. Just a couple of lookalikes hired by The Sun. Shocking, I know. But don’t worry, folks, I’m sure that when the real Kate goes into labor, she too will be ushered in through the front doors of the hospital for the entire world to see, because, you know, the royals care nothing about privacy.

 I mean, it could've been them. It wasn't, but let's don't get bogged down with facts.  

Listen, I understand that people got caught up in the moment, but let’s just think this through logically for a second. IF Kate delivers at St. Mary’s, I’m fairly certain they’ll bring her in through an underground labyrinth that requires blood samples and retina scans to get through each steel-infused security door. They’re sure as heck not going to bring her in the FRONT DOOR!

People are excited. I get it. (Kind of.) But the reality is, it’s a baby. And it will still be a baby, and still just as interesting – which is to say, not very – tomorrow and the day after. He or she will be the topic of news stories for years and years and years to come.

All I’m saying is this: Don’t overexert yourself. Pace your hysteria.

It would be an awful shame to burn yourself out on this kid before (s)he’s even on the ground.    

Maybe If I Speak Slower…

It's that time again. Time for another injection of ATG's patented truth serum.

But before I break out the syringe, let me first say that, after seeing more recent pictures of her, I’m almost ready to concede that Kate Middleton may in fact be pregnant, which means that, yes, the Deficient Duchess was born under the luckiest star imaginable.

This is a girl, a rather plain one if we’re being honest (and we’re ALWAYS honest here at ATG), who snagged a prince and the limitless adoration of an entire universe without doing one actual thing to earn it. This is a woman whose laziness and unwillingness to work has been documented for years (and, really, her job consists of planting trees and smiling, how hard is that?) yet she’s hailed as a role model for young girls. This is a girl who asks questions like, Can you test the smell (of tea) by smelling it? but is simultaneously held up as the ideal of perfection.

Why?

Because she’s skinny, smiles a lot, says very little (which is probably a direct result of the whole tea-smelling incident), wears (ugly) clothes well, and has shiny hair, which she appears to hot-roller into big, bouncy curls. Listen, I’m not judging her hairstyle choices. I’ve also been known to hot-roller my hair into big, bouncy curls. Of course, I was in eighth grade.

 I feel like I've seen this pattern before. Oh, yeah. On my grandma's couch. 

But you already know all of this, so there’s really no need to go over it all again.

Let’s instead focus on some more recent news. One of the latest rumors to come flying out of the mill is that, after the alleged baby is born, the Deficient Duchess won’t be staying in the wing of the palace that she and her husband are renovating with $1.5 million of their own hard-earned money. Oh, wait, hold on. My mistake. Someone worked hard for that money but it definitely wasn’t the Loathsome Twosome.

But it doesn't matter who's paying for the renovations because our fair Kate won’t be gracing the halls of Kensington Palace anytime soon. She will instead be staying with…

I’ll give you three guesses and the first two don’t count.

Meddling Ma Middleton, of course!

Who better to raise the future queen (or king) of England than a(n alleged) scheming social-climber? That’s great. The heir still can’t marry a Catholic for fear of what it would do to the monarchy, but pushy, calculating in-laws? No problem!

Some people are understandably annoyed with this latest revelation, lamenting that if royals are just going to act like everyone else, what’s the point of having them. This logical argument has been met with some disagreement, the main dissenting opinion being that every new mother should be allowed to take her baby home to mom for the first few weeks. I almost agree. But does every new mother live in a palace? Does every new mother get to live off the taxpayers’ hard-earned money? Is every new mother married to a prince?

Uh, no.

This is the point I’ve been trying to make from the beginning. She’s not normal. She’s not like you and me. Sure, under normal circumstances there’s no problem with a young woman foregoing a job so that she can stay home and take care of her husband/family, or choosing to spend holidays solely with her family as opposed to his, or going to live with her mom for six weeks after birthing her baby. Nothing wrong with that at all. The difference is, KATE’S NOT NORMAL. She didn’t want to be normal. She (and her mom) went to great lengths to make sure that she ended up with an abnormally royal life. Yes, it carries with it some responsibilities, but it also comes with plenty of perks.

The way I see it, Kate needs to pick a side: either be a princess and enjoy all the perks that come with it, as well as some of the less pleasant aspects, or become “every woman” and stop nursing off the public’s teat.

It doesn’t make any difference to me which side you choose, Kate, but just like Benedict Arnold, you’re going to have to pick a side.

Anything’s Possible

So…I’m just going to say it. It will probably make me sound crazy—a few of you may even judge me—but I feel that it needs to be said.

Is the Deficient Duchess really pregnant or is it all just a giant scam?

There. I said it. Judge away. But keep in mind that it wouldn’t be the first time a royal family did something weird and underhanded to perpetuate a specific image; and this whole baby situation just seems a little too convenient, a little too perfect, if you ask me.

I know it sounds pretty incredible, but hear me out before you dismiss me as another tinfoil hat-wearing loon.  

You may decide that it’s not such a crazy proposition after all.

1. The Case of the Instant Fertility

a)      This girl was skin and bones. She had not an ounce of fat on her. Not an ounce. I’m not saying skinny girls can’t get pregnant, but it usually takes a little work – especially when the skinny girl in question has been on birth control for at least 10(ish) years, which I assume is the case here. But this pregnancy seemed to happen without any struggle at all, at the most opportune time, like it was planned that way. This makes me suspicious. 

No babies on board here.

b)       The Duchess and I are about the same age, so I don’t think it’s out of line for me to say that, while Waity and I are by no means old, in child-bearing years we’re bordering on senior citizenship. You see, a woman’s child-bearing years are a bit like dog years. After a certain age, every calendar year that passes equals the loss of 7 easily-knocked-up years. Eggs get old, they shrivel up, and then they die. Every single month. It really is a sad story. The point is, fertility decreases as we age. Fertility also decreases when you have .05% body fat. (This is something, by the way, that I do not have in common with Kate Middleton.) So you expect me to believe that this skinny minny, on the wrong side of 30, decides she’s going to get pregnant and BOOM! it happens? It seems highly unlikely, but maybe that’s exactly what happened. Maybe princesses really are born under a luckier star than the rest of us. Actually, Dolittle’s life up until this point sort of seems to prove that out.

2. The Case of the Missing Bump

Is it just me or does the size of her bump fluctuate more than what’s normal? Sometimes she looks a tad bit pregnant and other times, not so much. My boss is pregnant, and pretty much every day she looks, well, pregnant. But look at these pictures of Waity from the St. Patrick’s Day parade—one taken last year and the other, last week. It’s the same coat. The only thing that differs is that in one she’s allegedly 5 ½ months pregnant. Yet, somehow, she looks EXACTLY THE SAME in both pictures. Granted, coats can camouflage things, but this must be a magic coat because it makes her baby disappear! 

   2012                                                            2013               

Sure, a woman’s weight can fluctuate, but does the baby’s? The size of the placenta? The amount of amniotic fluid? All the things that make a pregnant woman’s belly grow? Shouldn’t these things remain rather constant? The answer is yes. (Trust me; I once worked for a lung doctor.) So why, then, does Kate’s bump fluctuate so much from event to event? I don’t know. It’s a mystery. 

3. The Case of the Vanishing Morning Sickness

Do you remember when the news broke that the Tepid Twosome was about to become a threesome, or more specifically, why the news broke? It was because the Delicate Duchess had to be admitted to the hospital for debilitating morning sickness. Sure, she had just days before been playing field hockey (in heels), but, because I’m such a kind person, I was willing to sort of overlook that. Maybe this was the kind of life-threatening morning sickness that comes on suddenly, months after you actually start gestating the child. 

  Quick! Someone call a doctor. The Duchess is looking quite ill!   

I have a harder time believing, however, that this is the kind of morning sickness that is so bad that it puts you in the hospital, and then miraculously disappears less than a week later, never to return again. The kind of morning sickness that only lasts long enough to “force” you to announce to the world that you’re fulfilling your heir-producing duty. It all sounds a little too convenient to me. So sick that she had to be rushed to the hospital—and an announcement had to be made—but well enough to go shopping and vacaying. 

From what I’ve read, the morning sickness that Kate allegedly suffered from knocks women out for months; oftentimes, it’s something that they deal with for their entire pregnancies. But Little Miss Sunshine snaps her fingers and poof! It’s all gone. Either she was born under the luckiest star imaginable (which, again, I’m not ruling out) or something’s rotten in the Palace of Buckingham.

Look, she could very well be pregnant. In fact, the unfortunate face puffiness that she’s been sporting recently leads me to believe that it’s a distinct possibility (or that she’s been hitting the bottle too hard). All I’m saying is that there are things, many of which are detailed above, that give me pause.

But, then, I love a good conspiracy theory.

Worthless in Waiting

So, while most of the world spent last week debating whether or not the Workless Wonder had “accidentally” let it slip that she might be gestating a little queen (and I’m not talking about RuPaul), I spent last week…working. At work.

And as I spent 40 hours of my week locked in the proverbial chains that Corporate America issues with each miniscule paycheck, it occurred to me yet again how foreign the concept of work really is to the royals. After all, Kate was “working” when she (un)intentionally revealed that she and her old man may be having a girl.

Oh, yes, it was work alright. Showing up. Smiling. Breathing. Apparently this is all very hard work for the royals.

This particular work event took place at the National Fishing Heritage Centre in Lincolnshire. The purpose? I have no idea. What I do know is that Kate arrived over an hour late. She then shook a few hands, smiled her fake smile, laughed her maniacal laugh, played with her hair, accepted a few of the gifts being showered upon her, and then was off again. 

 This breathing thing is VERY hard work. You must remember to breathe in and out. In and out. In and...wait, how does it go again? 

If you’re wondering why she was so late to only her third day of engagements this year, it was because London was foggy. And, although she had originally been scheduled to take a train to Lincolnshire—a vehicle that would have had no trouble traveling in the fog and would have only cost the taxpayers a reasonable £216—she requested instead to take a HELICOPTER, at a £4,000 cost to the taxpayer. And, because London was foggy, the helicopter was grounded, making Kate late. Ironically, the grounding of her overly extravagant ride is the only thing about Kate that IS grounded.

Here I am. You may now gaze upon my awesomeness. You're welcome.

When pressed about yet another poor PR decision by the Deficient Duchess, a palace mouthpiece said:

“A number of factors are always taken into account when considering royal travel arrangements, including what the member of the Royal family is doing before and after the engagements, and it was decided that the best way to travel was by the Royal Flight helicopter.”

“What the Royal family is doing before and after” translates into, “Dolittle wants to go shopping and can’t be bothered to waste time on a train. She’d rather waste the taxpayers’ money.” In all fairness, she doesn’t always waste the taxpayers’ hard-earned dollars (or pounds, more appropriately) on shopping.

Sometimes she wastes them on lavish vacations.

Recently, ATG reported the trip Dolittle and Baldylocks took to Mustique. After their return, however, Kate really buckled down. She did one, maybe two, days of work, and then, poor dear, was so exhausted that she needed another holiday. This time to the slopes. Sure, it was for a friend’s wedding, but does anyone really think that the Tepid Twosome was going to forgo a ski vacay this year?

Have they ever?

Nope.

And now that poor Kate and her little queen (and I’m not talking about Willy Windsor) have put in yet another day’s work, I’m sure there’s already another vacation in the works. At the expense of the taxpayer, of course. But when you consider that a few hundred, or even thousand, of those taxpayers will have the immense honor of breathing the same air as the Divine Duchess as she jets in and out of her few public appearances in between hair appointments, shopping trips and lavish vacations, it really is a small price to pay.

Let them eat cake, indeed.       

And Another Thing…

Although my fabulous writing partner, FP, did a brilliant synopsis of the Duchess’s new portrait (not to be confused with the Duchess’s New Clothes), there was just one little thing I wanted to add. Okay, maybe two things…

First, there’s been a lot of talk about how awful the portrait is, but if you’ve seen the photograph that the painter used as his inspiration, it’s actually an AMAZING painting. As FP pointed out, it's an incredible likeness and actually looks exactly like the photo.  Sorry, sycophants, this is what your girl really looks like. 

Maybe people are just stupid. (They are.)

And to my second point, although the world would disagree, Dolittle is apparently “thrilled” with her new portrait. (No one loves Waity more than Waity.) But, honestly, what else is she going to say? And it occurred to me after seeing the picture below that perhaps there’s a bit more to the story than first meets the eye; perhaps since she can’t be honestly blunt, she’s sending a few subliminal messages to the painter about her true thoughts on his work.

Waity and the thrilling painter

I understand that flipping someone off is done differently in England. A single middle finger to the sky doesn’t have the same connotation as it does here in the States. But as an American, my first thought upon seeing this picture was that perhaps she’s not quite as “thrilled” as she pretends to be.