Let’s Use Our Heads, People. It’s the Lump Three Feet Above Our Asses.

I didn’t think it was possible, but the royal baby frenzy has gotten even more insane over the last couple of days. Basically every other story on my Yahoo! daily newsfeed has something to do with the forthcoming royal baby. And since the news outlets have essentially no new information, instead of writing about the 1,000s of truly newsworthy things happening in our world, they choose to write about royal-related nothingness.

Here are just a few of the recent headlines:

“Inside the Lindo Wing, Where Kate May Give Birth”

She may, she may not. Doesn’t really matter, as long as they can put “Kate” and “birth” in the headline.

“William First in Royal Family to Get Perk”

Spoiler alert: It’s paternity leave.

“Is Kate Middleton Trying to Fake Us Out?

This highly informative article centers on all the things we don’t know: birth hospital, due date, baby name, baby gender, etc. Is Kate choosing not to reveal any of this because she’s trying to create mystery? Or, perhaps, it’s because the royals have decided it’s not any of our business. We’re not their family. We’re not their friends. We simply don’t matter to them. In fact, we’re not even on their radar.

“Where’s that Royal Baby? Is Kate Overdue?”

I can see why this would make it on the front page since Kate is the only woman who’s ever gone past her (alleged) due date.

“Royal Baby Frenzy: Queen Elizabeth’s Cousin Is Not Impressed”

Finally. Someone with a little perspective.

Then there was the story about how the fire department had to be called to what was believed to be the Middletons’ house to get the head of what was believed to be Kate and William’s dog, Lupo, out of the gate it was stuck in.

And the report that Queen Elizabeth left a cricket match early, which of course meant Kate was in labor. It was the only logical explanation. Except, wait, that was Thursday. So, where’s the baby? The birth announcement? The 62-gun salute? Oh, right. It was another false alarm.

But my favorite happened today outside of St. Mary’s Hospital, where Kate is expected to give birth. Much to the surprise of all the anxious onlookers camped out outside, a dark car pulled up to the curb and Kate and William popped out! In front of everyone! Just like that. William protectively ushered his very pregnant wife past the gawking masses to the front door of the hospital. And as the frenzied crowd began moving towards them, William and Kate turned around, busted open their top layer of clothing and revealed t-shirts advertising The Sun.

Wait, what?

I know what you’re thinking. It doesn’t make sense. Why would William and Kate be working for The Sun? They can barely be bothered to do their real jobs.

  What is that girl doing on her phone? Doesn't she know the greatness directly behind her? They are to be worshiped, not ignored!    

I’m sure you’ll be surprised to hear that it wasn’t actually the Cambridges. Just a couple of lookalikes hired by The Sun. Shocking, I know. But don’t worry, folks, I’m sure that when the real Kate goes into labor, she too will be ushered in through the front doors of the hospital for the entire world to see, because, you know, the royals care nothing about privacy.

 I mean, it could've been them. It wasn't, but let's don't get bogged down with facts.  

Listen, I understand that people got caught up in the moment, but let’s just think this through logically for a second. IF Kate delivers at St. Mary’s, I’m fairly certain they’ll bring her in through an underground labyrinth that requires blood samples and retina scans to get through each steel-infused security door. They’re sure as heck not going to bring her in the FRONT DOOR!

People are excited. I get it. (Kind of.) But the reality is, it’s a baby. And it will still be a baby, and still just as interesting – which is to say, not very – tomorrow and the day after. He or she will be the topic of news stories for years and years and years to come.

All I’m saying is this: Don’t overexert yourself. Pace your hysteria.

It would be an awful shame to burn yourself out on this kid before (s)he’s even on the ground.