The UnreMarkleable Duchess

Guys, it happened. It was inevitable, I suppose. But it wasn’t pleasant. In fact, it was so upsetting that I had to hibernate for the last few months. Let me set the stage for you: a prince, in line for the British throne, desperately wants to marry his divorced, American lover. His family is wary of the union, but this headstrong prince will not be dissuaded. He marries his lady friend - and the monarchy is forever changed because of it. Sound familiar? It should. But not, perhaps, for the reasons you think.

No, this is not the “fairytale” love story of Harry, the SGP, and Meghan Markle, his vainglorious wife; no, it is in fact the story of Prince Edward, who would spend less than a year as King Edward VIII before abdicating in order to marry his divorced, American mistress, Wallis Simpson (who may or may not have had the same level of affection for her new hubby). This was not a popular union; she was divorced – and American – after all, and he had to make a choice. It was, of course, a different time. But it’s ironic that, had he not been forced to make such a choice, the royal family as we know it would likely not exist. King George VI, Queen Elizabeth’s dad and Edward’s brother, would not have become king and Queen Elizabeth and her spawn descendants would likely be but a footnote in history. But, as it happened, King Edward did have to make a choice. And he chose love. Whether he came to regret that choice is a story for another day.

Wallis and Eddie
This is truly one of the only photos I could find where they're smiling.  

The point is, the very reason Prince Harry is in a position for anyone to even care who he married, i.e., the reason he is famous  – and likely the only reason this Meghan Markle person is interested in him at all – is because of the luxurious lifestyle bestowed upon him as a direct result of the fact that his great uncle found himself in almost the exact same situation, but with fewer options. Prince Harry is living the life of luxury, one of the world’s most eligible bachelors (until recently, of course), because his great uncle, Prince Edward, didn’t have the luxury of choosing both love and country. He had to pick a side. He chose love. And because he made that choice, Harry’s grandmother ultimately became queen and Harry, by extension, one of the most privileged and sought-after men in the world. Ironic, no?

Now, when I first started writing this blog, the unfortunate Harreghan union was still but a rumor. But, alas, no more. Yes, in case you haven’t heard, the Not-So-Amazing Ms. Markle became the Duchess of Sussex (or Sucksass if you’re super immature. Which I’m obviously not) in May. I used to really like that month. Now I associate it with broken dreams and tears. Yes, my friends, May 19, 2018 is a day that will live in infamy – not only because it’s the day I received my law degree (I can do cool things too, Meghan), but also because it is the day that the actress-turned-royal-girlfriend officially became the UnreMarkleable Duchess. 

The thing about royal weddings – much like royal babies – is that there’s so much build-up, so much anticipation, that it’s nearly impossible for them not to disappoint. And this wedding, like so many before it, was no different. Disappoint it did (I say, having watched not a minute of it). But, though I may not have seen any of the wedding itself, I did see plenty of pictures of the bride and groom. Harry looked like, well, pretty much any other groom in a uniform – not too disappointing because, let’s be honest, no one cared what he looked like. What everyone was dying to see was how Meghan, the new royal fashionista, would style herself for what was arguably the biggest day of her life. And, well, I’m not entirely sure what happened. I liked her dress, but why didn’t she bother to do her hair? It looked like she’d just stepped out of a wind tunnel or a lengthy ride in a convertible. I know her in-laws are all about the environment, but surely they would have allowed her the luxury of some hairspray on this, the most important day of Meghan’s – nay, the world’s – life. Barring that, couldn’t someone have slipped her a bobby pin or two? I mean, she had to know all eyes were going to be on her, right? So why did she show up looking like Bella Swan?

  Maybe Meghan was going for the Mr.-Tumnus-slash-I'm-about-to-marry-a-vampire look  

We may never know the answer to the above; what we do know, however, is that Harry wasn’t put off by Meghan’s poor hair choices for even a second. In fact, it may very well have been her decision to eschew all ozone-destroying beauty products that really got him in the baby-making mood. Or maybe he’s a 30-something-year-old man who’s always in the mood. Whatever the reason, it took about six minutes for Meghan to get pregnant.

Again I say, marrying into the royal family must make you the luckiest girl in the world – not only because you are forever rewarded for being lazy, but also because, despite being way on the wrong side of 30 (which I can say because I am too), having zero body fat, and living under the constant stress of knowing that procreating is your only real job (which I imagine makes it harder to perform – like when you’re told to pee in a cup), these two duchesses still managed to get pregnant immediately, as if on command. How does that work exactly? Of all the millions of women across the world who struggle with infertility, William and Harry were somehow able to find two that just snapped their fingers (that’s how babies are made, right?) and *poof* pregnant. I thought Kate was an outlier, the luckiest woman alive, but apparently she’s not so special after all (which, hello, is what ATG has been trying to say for years).

Here's another wedding photo. I know you just can't get enough of them.

So, that pretty much wraps this post up. I mean, what else is there to say? Harry picked a girl, who has, surprisingly, more family drama than his own (who knew that was possible), married her, and is now having babies with her. The end.

Just kidding.

How could that be the end?? There’s still so much more to say, so many more brilliant points to make, so much more judgment to spew. So buckle up.

This could take a while.

Brilliant Point #1: The UnreMarkleable Duchess is trying way too hard – proving that, although she may be an actress, she’s not a very good one.

Stay with me here. I’m not talking about her “work” on the USA show Suits. I never saw it. And to be fair, I spent the first half of my life trying to figure out how I could make a career out of playing dress-up and make-believe (heck, I’m still wondering), so who am I to judge anyone for this particular life choice? No, I’m talking about her fake, fake public persona. She just reads completely inauthentic to me. She’s always smiling like a bloody idiot while simultaneously breaking all kinds of royal protocol - by insisting on hugging every person she comes across - and sending her security detail into conniptions (on the inside; obviously the Brits don’t show external emotion). 

This poor child doesn't know what to do. Clearly even she can tell 

that this is conduct unbecoming to a duchess.

Some say Meghan behaves like this because she’s just so authentic, such a lover of people (unless you happen to be her assistant), and that she just can’t help it. Remember how William and Kate were purportedly changing the face of the monarchy? Meghan’s going them one better and changing not only the monarchy’s face, but also its behavior. Except, hold on a second, didn’t Princess Diana already do this? Only so much better? At least she managed to look authentic (probably because she was). Meanwhile, Meghan just looks so. fake. Please, girl, you’re no Diana. You’re not even a Fergie. This calculated effort to be likeable, relatable, and, let’s be honest, palatable is a major fail, fail, and fail. Time to go back to rehearsal; apparently you weren’t ready to take this show on the road.

But the inauthenticity doesn’t stop there. Oh no. Now, my friends, now, the UnreMarkleable Duchess has somehow managed to acquire an English accent after living in England for approximately 7.3 seconds. Apparently she thinks she’s Madonna. I’m not even kidding (about the accent; I don’t know if she thinks she’s Madonna). If you don’t believe me, please just watch this. (No need to read the article, just click on the video.) I've waited in line at the DMV for longer than she's lived in England and, yet, she already has an English accent. Except obviously she doesn’t really have a English accent. Without significant brain trauma, no one develops an accent in 7.3 seconds. Unless, of course, it’s totally bogus and – say it with me – completely inauthentic. I wish you could all see my face right now. My eyes have rolled so far back in my head that I can’t even see the screen as I type. But it’s not my fault. I have a severe allergy to fake accents. I blame Gwyneth.

And, if you watched the video, maybe you can answer this for me: How did this self-described feminist suddenly become a bashful, bootleg version of Kate Middleton, she who has never been known for being particularly independent in thought or deed? I mean, it’s well-documented that Kate spent many years chasing William – both literally and figuratively – waiting for him to decide if he wanted to marry her. This is the woman Meghan chooses to emulate? What would Gloria Steinem say? 

Look, all I’m saying is that I have a very hard time reconciling this new meek, mild Meghan with the person she portrayed herself to be pre-Harry. It’s hard to believe that everything about her changed when Harry met Meghan; that all her years-held ideals went flying out the window and she suddenly became a Disney princess wannabe, only becoming her true self once she was finally rescued by a handsome prince. (I, on the other hand, completely buy into this Disney princess version of life.) It’s much easier to imagine that this new Meghan is a direct result of the years she spent honing her craft. I mean, even terrible actors know how to mold themselves into certain roles, including the role of a British royal. The problem is that, unlike good actors, who make it all look so believable, bad actors end up looking insincere and inauthentic – with dopy smiles and unfortunate accents.

And, on the topic of Meghan being a less-authentic – or, to be honest, successful – version of Kate (and you know I hate to defend the Deficient Duchess), we have now reached the portion of the program we like to call Meghan the Mimic. Here is some photographic evidence of Meghan trying (and failing?) to be just like Kate, because, as they say, a picture is worth a thousand words.

I must warn you, though, it’s starting to get a little Single White Female in the Palace of Buckingham.

Meghan the Mimic

Exhibit A: The way she waves.

Exhibit B: The way she holds her clutch. (The fact that she even carries a clutch is a bit strange considering her previous affinity for cross-body bags – which would obviously make those ill-advised hugs so much easier.)

Exhibit C: The way she's constantly playing with her hair.

 

Exhibit D: The way she decided to have a baby three seconds after Kate had a baby. Just kidding. She had to do that one. It’s her job. Her only job.

Here's Kate with baby #3, Prince Louis of Cambridge.

Here's Meghan gestating baby #1.

I know it's hard to see but I have it on good authority that it's happening.

Brilliant Point #2: The UnreMarkleable Duchess is a bit of an attention, um, seeker, shall we say?

Poor dear. She's clearly terribly uncomfortable in the spotlight.

Meghan sure does seem to be basking in all this attention and I, for one, find it a bit off-putting – not because I wouldn’t do the exact same thing, but because I’m here to judge others. (Hypocrisy is not a word that exists in my universe.) On the one hand, it makes a bit of sense, I suppose. She is an actress, after all. Unlike Kate, who seemed a bit uncomfortable with all the attention – despite having spent seven years being chased by the paparazzi – Meghan has spent her life in front of the camera. And after all, actors are conditioned to garner attention. Without it, their careers crash and burn. They pretend they don’t like it, but you don’t become an actor if you want to avoid attention. If you want to be constantly ignored, you become Charlie Sheen’s PR person; you don’t move to Hollywood with stars in your eyes. And you definitely don’t marry the world’s most eligible – and famous – bachelor.

That said, attention-seekers, while annoying, aren’t bad people; they’re just insecure. What does seem to be a fineable offense, however, is Meghan’s propensity to overshare – at least by royal standards. She married into a family that values discretion (read: secrecy) so much that they don’t even release their children’s names until days – sometimes weeks – after the birth, but, as a royal girlfriend, Meghan did a Vanity Fair article – which, let’s be honest, she was only offered because she was dating Prince Harry (I mean, c’mon, the title was Wild About Harry) – in which she talked extensively about her relationship. Not a huge deal if you’re an actor dating another actor. But when you’re involved with someone from a tight-lipped family, it’s a bit more problematic. Or was expected to be. Yet, Queen Elizabeth still signed off on this marriage. Prince Edward must be rolling. You know what this says to me? This dear lady is tired. Very, very tired. These a-holes have worn her out. She’s a classy broad who has had to deal with scandal after scandal after scandal, starting with her very own sister. She doesn’t want to do it anymore. If this American actress, who gives in-depth interviews about her life with Harry and relishes the spotlight, is what the SGP wants, then that is what he shall have. For better or worse.

Be careful what you wish for, Harry.

Now, one might argue that Meghan had to give the interview – as an actress it was part of her job – except the article had nothing to do with acting. Not to mention that no one cared to interview her before she was dating the SGP. And you want to know why? Because she was a supporting actress on a cable show. A cable show. It wasn’t even network. No must see TV here. She’s certainly no Angelina Jolie. No one cares what life on the set of Suits was like. They want to know what life on the arm of the SGP is like. And Meghan is happy to dish – as long as she remains firmly in the spotlight.

Brilliant Point #3: The UnreMarkleable Duchess is super clingy.

Listen, I too am clingy. I can admit it. But, as they tell me at my meetings, there’s a time and place for everything. And I would imagine that royal engagements are neither the time nor the place for such things. This seems to be proven by how senior royals have conducted themselves in public for generations. Even William and Kate, who are obviously fond of each other, seem to understand this, leaving the PDAs to a protective arm around the back or understated handhold. But not Meghan and Harry. Oh, no. They don’t care about tradition – or being understated. They refuse to be separated. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but they are always touching. Like, always. They’re like Siamese twins, connected at the hand. (I don’t actually think that’s a thing.) Maybe they’re trying to give the Travoltas a run for their money. In the beginning, it was kind of cute. Now it’s just annoying. We get it. You’re married. And you’re super into each other. And you belong to each other. The world knows all this. No need to cling to each other like Howie Mandell clings to hand sanitizer. 

Sometimes I come up with these ideas in my head and then have a hard time finding photographic evidence of what I know to be true. This was not one of those times. It’s actually kind of remarkable how many photos there are of these two engaged in extensive clinginess

In fairness, Harry has always appeared more affectionate than William, but still. He’s been able to keep his hands to himself in public. Meghan, on the other hand, not so much. On the one hand, I get it. He’s the SGP. I’m not sure I could keep my hands to myself either. On the other, you’re a royal now. Get it together. I mean, I’m no body-language expert, but if I were going to pretend that I was, I might say that, in the beginning at least, her body language looked very proprietary – like she was afraid someone would steal him away if she didn’t lay claim. And again I say, we all know he belongs to you. No need to mark your territory by leaving fingernail gashes along his biceps. For his part, he certainly seems to be in love, but also somewhat uncomfortable with her demonstrativeness. Makes total sense, I suppose, considering the stoic people he comes from.

Here's the UnreMarkleable Duchess with her new, semi-stoic family, celebrating Prince Charles's 70th birthday. Is it just me or do her eyes look a little creepy? 

Listen, I don’t mean to rain on the newlyweds’ parade. I get it. They are clearly in love. May we all be so lucky as to find someone who can provide us with this same amount of love, happiness and tiaras – all while completely transforming who we are at our very core. What the future holds for this newly minted duke and duchess, only time will tell. But they remind me a bit of Prince Andrew and Fergie: hot and heavy in the beginning and fizzled out by year 10. The good news for Meghan is, if they do in fact follow the path of the Yorksters, they will remain “best friends” for years to come, have a couple of forgotten but overall well-mannered children, and, eventually, Meghan will find herself with both a lucrative book deal and a fairly well-received, though short-lived, relationship with Weight Watchers.

Silver linings, Meghan. Silver linings.