A Sad Commentary

We’re not doing so well, America. We’ve been making really bad choices lately. Lots of them. Consistently. It raises a question.

Now, you might think that the question it raises has something to do with self-reflection or personal betterment, but you’d be wrong. No, America, the question we’re forced to ask ourselves is: What would Ryan Lochte do?

Yes, my friends, apparently E! is so confident that the American people have a burning desire to know the answer to this question that they’ve given the Olympian his own show – because obviously athletic prowess always translates into a dynamic personality and small-screen success. Just ask Nancy Kerrigan or any other athlete who’s ever hosted Saturday Night Live.

Unfortunately for everyone involved, including the viewers, Ryan has the personality of Styrofoam. In fact, E! could’ve saved themselves a lot of money and built the entire show around a cardboard cutout. Trust me, as long as it periodically went, “Jeah!,” no one would’ve known the difference. But, then, this is the network that brought us the Kardashians. Apparently they’re pretty good at convincing viewers to embrace polystyrene-like personalities, so maybe Ryan’s show stands a chance after all.

But not with me. (Sorry, E!. Do you need a tissue?)

I’m just not quite masochistic enough to subject myself to this mess. And this is coming from someone who sat through House of Sand and Fog. The entire thing. Without fast-forwarding.

But, although I won’t be watching his show, I’m more than happy to watch the little guy make an ass out of himself in interviews. Here’s hoping that we get a lot more gems like this one:

And since we’re on the topic of laughing at – and not with – people, and since we still really hate Anne Hathaway, check out this highly talented individual doing a little fun-poking. She does a great Annennoying impersonation, except for one thing: She’s much too talented. 

Apparently Bizarro Anne didn’t have a problem singing the “pretty” version of I Dreamed a Dream, unlike the “real” Anne. Because, you know, the real one “made a choice” not to sing the pretty version. According to her. According to me, it was less of a choice and more of a lack of options. Does anyone really think she has the pipes to pull off a “pretty” Fantine?

Does anyone really think that Ryan Lochte has a sparkling personality?

Face it, Anne, you’re just not as great as you seem to think you are. But don’t worry. You don’t have to laugh at yourself. We’re more than happy to do it for you.

James Franco: Soothsayer or Total Jackass?

I’ve loved James Franco for a long time – ever since 1999 when we starred in a movie together.

Okay, so I was an extra, he was the star, and our paths never crossed, but I spent the day staring at him from afar, drinking in his awesomeness.

(Fun fact: although my path didn’t cross with Mr. Franco’s, it did collide with late Roseanne star Glenn Quinn when he stepped on my foot. I never washed that foot again.)

The point is, James and I have been in a relationship for a long time. And like with any relationship, sometimes he annoys me. I can’t say that I was exactly annoyed with his Oscar hosting performance in 2011, but I did think it was a bit one-note. However, I cut him a little slack because it’s hard playing opposite the irritant that is Anne Hathaway. Anybody would look a little bit drugged next to her over-the-top self. In fact, he probably was drugged. He probably had to drug himself in order to spend that much time with her.

But, according to an interview he recently did with Howard Stern, he and Anne have actually made up since that Oscar debacle. Now, whether or not they’re still BFFs now that he’s broken his silence on Oscargate against her very specific wishes, remains to be seen. And if his loose Oscar lips don’t push her over the edge that she’s perpetually hovering by, his saying that he can understand what triggers the Hathahater hatred may.

In fact, I’m going to venture a guess that James and Anne are no longer sitting in a tree.

Personally, I think him saying that he understands why people hate Annennoying* only goes to show that he’s more in touch with reality than people give him credit for – especially people who witnessed his underwhelming hosting performance.

Nothing's that funny, Anne. Get a grip.

Another person who’s most likely scratched old Jimmy off her Christmas card list is Lindsay Lohan – assuming, of course, that she’s coherent enough to remember Christmas cards, or Christmas, or even James Franco for that matter.

On second thought, maybe he hasn’t been cut.

Sure, he, in the same Howard Stern interview, said that he’d declined her romantic advances in the past because she was such a mess, but at least he acknowledged her existence. Yes, he said that he rejected her for “having issues,” but at least he admitted that he did, in fact, know her. Maybe that’s all the validation she needs. She seems kind of desperate – and if anyone understands a desperate need for validating attention, it’s…

LeAnn Rimes.

(I bet you thought I was going to say me, huh? Nope. Even my desperation pales in comparison to these two.)

  I'm sure I speak for all of us when I say that the world is a much sadder place for never having been graced with a Francan (or Franken?) baby.   

Of course, on the other hand, she once said that she and James were “like best friends,” so it’s gotta sting a little. You never want your friends to call you out, no matter how crazy you are. If any of my “best friends” ever rejected my advances, I’d be severely bummed out. In fact, I, too, might start drinking to excess, partying uncontrollably and leaving my undies at home.

You’ve been warned.

*Please understand that I used to love Anne Hathaway, but somewhere along the way she lost her likeability – probably about the time she found her ridiculous affectation/faux English accent. She’s like a taller, younger Madonna, but with less singing ability. And let's be honest, it's not like Madonna set the bar very high on that one.