Charlie and the Royal Baby Factory

Are you royal family-ed out yet? Boy, I am. So much so, in fact, that I actually hate myself for this post. I really do. There has already been way too much royal family coverage; but, unfortunately, before we can finally move on to a new chapter of this overpublicized “fairytale,” there’s one last issue left to discuss: The name bestowed upon the daughter of the two most perfect people in the world.

You’ve probably already heard the exciting news, but it’s just so thrilling that it bears repeating. Baby Girl Cambridge will now and forevermore be known as Charlotte Elizabeth Diana or, if you’re feeling formal, Her Royal Highness Princess Charlotte of Cambridge. 

Little person. Big name.

Apparently Charlotte wasn’t really a surprising choice for those in the know. Some say she’s named for William’s dad, Charles, but I’m not sure. “Inside sources” are reporting that Prince Charles is being blocked from seeing his grandson (and most likely now his granddaughter) by, you guessed it, Calculating Carole Meddleton. It is her goal, they say, to cut George’s father’s family, i.e. the royal family, out of his life. (And as you can imagine, Grandpa Chuck is none too happy about it.)

I don’t find this so hard to believe. William shirked the royal tradition of Christmas with the queen to spend Christmas with the Middletons. He also chose to go on vacation with his in-laws as opposed to a memorial service for the queen’s beloved mother and sister. In fact, Wills has repeatedly shown that he’s a Middleton and not a royal. Which is fine. He doesn’t want to take on royal duties? Great. He doesn’t want to spend time with the royal family? Fantastic. He doesn’t want to be photographed? No problem. Then he should take his normal family and retire to a normal house in the country that he, himself, pays for. Or just go live with the in-laws. Whatever. Just stop living off the public teat while simultaneously rejecting everything royal.

That will never happen, of course, because although William may not enjoy being a royal, Kate and her mom very much do. They obviously love the attention. Were Wills to abdicate, not only would he lose the claim to the throne, but probably also his wife and adopted family.

But back to the baby’s name.

Yes, Charlotte is the feminine form of Charles, but it is also the middle name of Kate’s equally as worthless sister, Pippa. I think it’s much more likely that this was the inspiration. Baby Charlotte is a Middleton after all.

As for the choices of Elizabeth and Diana, well, they’re fairly self-explanatory and not in the least bit surprising.

Also not surprising, but certainly creating a lot of chatter is Charlotte’s birth certificate – or, more specifically, the occupation listed for her parents. You ready for this? You might want to sit down. It’s almost too ridiculous and nauseating to repeat.

Her father’s job is listed as, wait for it, Prince of the United Kingdom and her mother’s? You guessed it: Princess of the United Kingdom. Since royal titles are apparently considered occupations, I would like my new job to be Princess of Awesome, Master of the Universe. I would also like to get paid – a lot – for being awesome. And a princess.

Who do I see about that?

And, not to sound like a broken record, but if you list something as your occupation, shouldn’t that mean that you actually have, and perform, job duties under that title? Isn’t that what a job is? His job is to be a prince, but he doesn’t do anything princely. Likewise with his wife. Well, except that whole superior-acting thing.

It occurred to me, after reading article after article about this do-nothing duo and their new baby (it’s tough, but I do it for you, ATG Nation), that royalty is a strange thing. These people have done absolutely nothing, not one thing, to earn their position. They live the most privileged lives imaginable, are worshiped across the universe, are considered role models to be emulated, and because of what? Because they were born? At least Kim Kardashian let someone pee on her. These folks have done absolutely nothing except manage to successfully navigate the birth canal.

If they’re attractive, they get a pass for being worthless (see: Kate Middleton) and are, in fact, lauded for being an asset to the royal family – a role model even. But God help them if they are even slightly less aesthetically appealing (see: Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie). Those girls can’t put a foot right in the eyes of the public. Even while they were in school, working on degrees (i.e. actually doing something), they were being criticized for their laziness.

One of these women is praised daily for her impeccable fashion sense; the other was absolutely massacred in the press for hers. Can you honestly tell from these photos which is which? They both appear to have satellite dishes attached to their heads.

Apparently, despite the Ted Bundys and Scott Petersons of the world, people still believe that being pretty on the outside equates to being pretty on the inside.

Listen, I get it. I too once subscribed to this theory.

Then again, I was five.