What’s Love Got to Do with It?

Have you ever been walking down the street and passed an odd-looking, seemingly mismatched couple? Sure, more often than not it’s an entirely superficial judgment, but I hope that if you’ve learned anything at ATG, it’s that superficial judgments are not always bad judgments; they’re just shallow. And shallow’s not always bad. I mean, obviously a shallow diving pool should be avoided, as should a shallow grave in a floodplain, but shallow judgments? Why, they’re what make the world go ‘round.

It occurred to me recently, after perusing a few rag mags (on a terrifying flight from the east coast, which we won’t go into), that celebrities are not free from the judgment of odd pairings. Beautiful attracts beautiful? Apparently not always. Now before you get your panties in a wad, let me say that yes, beauty is very much in the eye of the beholder. Most of the time. But c’mon, you and I both know that some people/things are just aesthetically offensive, which is totally legal for me to say because I used to be one of those people/things.

Obviously, over the years there have been quite a few strange partnerships, but in the interest of time (and my quickly waning sanity), I’ve decided to narrow it down to the top 10 current (or fairly recent) oddest celebrity pairings. You may notice that not all the couples are judged on their unevenly matched physical attributes. This is because I’m equally as capable of judging the inside as I am the outside. It really is a gift.

And please keep in mind that this isn’t a countdown; the couples are presented in no particular order. After all, who am I to judge which is the oddest…?  

1. JULIANNE HOUGH & RYAN SEACREST

Remember when your Barbie’s head would fall off (or your little sister would pull it off and then cut its hair…whatever, I’m not bitter)? You’d try to stick it back on but it never quite looked the same. From then on, Barbie had a bit of a square-headed, smushy-face look going on. Can you see it? If you can’t, then look no further than American Idol’s Ryan Seacrest for a visual. He has the same square head and smushy face. But that’s not the only reason he and Dancing with the Stars alum, Julianne Hough, make such an odd couple. There’s the 14 year age difference, the fact that she’s attractive, or the fact that he’s gay. Allegedly. (I’m not saying he is; I’m just saying that sometimes he likes to act as her stylist.) Take your pick.

On the other hand, they’re both fairly annoying, fake-looking human beings so perhaps that’s all the glue they need to hold themselves together.

2. OLIVIA WILDE & JASON SUDEIKIS

He’s funny. She’s pretty. They’re both hot commodities right now. It should make sense, I suppose, but it doesn’t. I’ll be the first to say that sense of humor is of the utmost importance, but I just can’t imagine that he’s that funny—or maybe he saves his funniest bits for the bedroom. Of course, if it’s a guy’s romantic moves that make you laugh the hardest, then something is terribly wrong.

3. MICHELLE WILLIAMS & JASON SEGEL

I don’t get it. I just don’t get it. This is a woman who dated, and procreated, with Heath Ledger. A woman who was allowed to make out with my boyfriend, Ryan Gosling, and was even given a paycheck for it. (I, too, would be given something if I tried to make out with Ryan Gosling but I’m pretty sure it would rhyme with mestraining border.) My point is, this girl has good taste. Or I thought she did…until she started dating the How I Met Your Mother star. I just don’t get. Or I should say, I didn’t get it. Then I saw Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

Now I get it.

Enough said.

4. KATY PERRY & RUSSELL BRAND

Okay, I’ll be the first to admit that my original thought upon hearing of this match was, “What in the world does she see in him?” I saw hairy. But the more Russell Brand I added to my life, the less aware I was of hairy and the more aware I became of funny. This kid is funny. Perhaps it’s his English accent or perhaps he really is just a genuinely funny human being. I’m guessing it’s probably a little of both.

What I’m having trouble explaining now, though, is what he ever saw in her. Sure, she’s pretty (with the help of an entire Sephora store) but her personality is crap. I guess this means that boys value looks over personality. Who knew?

5. KIMBERLY STEWART & BENICIO DEL TORO

File this under things that make you go What?. But, yes, it’s true. Whether it was an actual relationship or just a baby-making encounter, the fact remains that Bently (that’s my copyrighted name for them, by the way) made a baby. Her name’s Delilah (which, fun fact, is also the name of my cat) and she’s actually kind of cute. If you’re into babies. What brought her werewolf-resembling father and commando-style motorcycle-riding (and crashing) mother together, however, is anyone’s guess.

6. AVRIL LAVIGNE & CHAD KROEGER

Who even knew these two were dating? Now all of a sudden they’re engaged? In all fairness, I really know very little about this couple—except that they’re both Canadian—but they just look weird together. I mean, Nickleback’s been around for, like, ever and Avril barely looks old enough to buy spray paint. In reality, it’s only a 10 year age difference—there are some way more offensive numeric gaps—but he just looks a heck of a lot older (despite the plastic surgery that I’m fairly certain he’s had). And it is for that exact reason that they find themselves on this list. Plus, I hate Canadians.

Kidding!

(Except for Justin Bieber, I really do hate him.)

7. JOHN MAYER & ANYBODY

John Mayer has dated some of the world’s most highly sought-after women: Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jennifer Aniston, Taylor Swift, Katy Perry and Jessica Simpson, to name a few. And I must admit that there was a time when I could understand his appeal. He seemed like the goofily cute underdog who could steal your heart with his sensitivity and song lyrics. Wrong. He may be self-deprecating and write somewhat-catchy songs, but he’s a douche. Such a douche, in fact, that there are websites (plural, more than one) dedicated to his top douchebag comments. Things like referring to Jessica Simpson as sexual napalm, saying that his man part was a “white supremacist,” and talking about how he should be having sex with many, many more girls are just a few examples. Some people say he’s funny. I say he’s an ass. And suddenly his goofy good looks are just sleazy and gross. Yet, somehow he keeps attracting some fairly nice-looking and successful women. It just doesn't make sense.

Forget who shot Kennedy, this is the real great mystery of the century.

 

8. MILEY CYRUS & LIAM HEMSWORTH

Full disclosure: I don’t like Miley Cyrus. I’m sure you’re shocked by this revelation. My apologies. But seriously, it’s like she goes out of her way to make herself unappealing. From the nude pics to the hair shaving to the pole dancing to the bong smoking, she’s just gross.

(To clarify: You are not automatically gross for taking naked pictures of yourself or smoking marijuana. If I like you, I can overlook both.)

Basically, she’s a mess of bad choices culminating in an irritant of a human being. (An irritant, by the way, who at least slightly resembles Stewie from Family Guy. Am I wrong?) Needless to say, I don’t understand her appeal to the world in general, but at least the world can turn her off. Imagine, however, pledging to spend your life with her! Without an OFF button! Oy, someone get me a Xanax.

And, yet, that’s exactly what Australian heartthrob, Liam Hemsworth, is planning to do. Why would a guy who could find, let’s be honest, ANY other girl choose to marry this Cyrus person? Perhaps there are mind-altering substances involved. And perhaps they’re hidden in Billy Ray’s mullet.   

9. LEANN RIMES AND EDDIE CIBRIAN

No list of the world’s worst coupling choices would be complete without these two. On the one hand, they make total sense because they’re both egocentric philanderers; on the other, what in the world does he see in her? She can sing. I’ll give her that. But, speaking completely objectively, there’s not one attractive thing about her. Not her personality. Not her looks. Not her intelligence. Honestly I can’t find one thing. At least he’s nice to look at, although I’m pretty sure he fails on personality and intelligence as well. I just don’t get it. Perhaps she was an easy catch, but, honestly, does anyone really think that Eddie Cibrian has trouble catching ladies? I don’t think so.

10. COURTNEY STODDEN & DOUG HUTCHISON

When the story first broke that the 51-year-old Lost actor was marrying his 16-year-old girlfriend, I was shocked and appalled (to steal a phrase from my eighth-grade homeroom teacher). Thirty-five years is a big age difference regardless, but when the bride isn’t even old enough to vote and is barely old enough to drive? That’s just gross. The aesthetic and numeric differences between these two initially made me think that this was the most oddly paired couple on the list. Then I saw them together and I realized that, actually, they aren't such a strange match. You see, they both share the same primary focus: Courtney Stodden. They both think Courtney’s really hot. And really funny. And really sexy. And really tan. And has really blonde hair. Basically, they both think that Courtney Stodden is, like, the awesomest person ever invented. And if the key to a good marriage is shared interest, then this marriage is destined to outlast many that make a whole lot more sense on paper.

ADDENDUM:

You might have expected to see William and Kate on this list, but a) we wouldn’t want to be too predictable and b) I actually think they’re pretty well-suited for each other. After all, they're both entirely overrated and they both show indications of being spoiled, lazy, work-shy kids. And, just as with Courtney and Doug, it is these shared ideals that make the marriage work. 

So, forget love; it’s entitlement and bad judgments that truly keep these couples together.

You Are What You Eat

I don’t really understand the appeal of food-eating contests. I like to enjoy what I’m eating. The idea of gluttonously stuffing yourself to the point of puking seems rather, for lack of a better word, unpleasant (unless it’s Thanksgiving, then I totally support the decision). And, really, what does winning prove? That you have a very large stomach and no gag reflex? Where exactly does that go on your resume?

A Florida man, however, took overeating to a whole new level recently, and paid the ultimate price. No, not with his dignity. With his life. But it wasn’t hotdogs or hoagies or Ho Hos that 32-year-old Edward Archbold indulged in. It was bugs. Roaches and worms, to be exact. Not-so-surprisingly, after the competition ended, Archbold didn’t feel so well and soon found himself puking it up backstage. Ah, the perils of fame. I’m sure Steven Tyler has been in a similar situation a time or two.

The good news is Archbold won. The bad news is it killed him. Of course, in those few glorious moments after being declared the winner, he had the opportunity to savor the fact that he had just won 500 million dollars. Okay, maybe it was only 100 million dollars, but it had to be some kind of giant cash prize, right? Why else would you stuff yourself full of LIVE, gooey insects? (If you’ve ever stepped on a roach, you know exactly what I’m talking about.)

Turns out there was no monetary reward. No new car. Not even a gift card to Applebee’s. The prize? A python. Seriously, a python. I mean, not to be insensitive, but if the roaches hadn’t killed him, the python probably would have.

Reportedly, the python will now go to Archbold’s estate. This means that someday it will probably belong to his daughter, for whom, all joking aside, this is a huge tragedy. But, although she’s been left fatherless, at least she has a giant, deadly snake to remember him by.

And, at the end of the day, isn’t it just nice to know that the snake will stay in the family? Otherwise, all of Edward’s hard work would have been for nothing.